Comfortable in the Skin You're In

So.....

2012-01-05T16:12:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to write...I mean really I have. So much is going on though.

I got a new position at work, that is working me like crazy. It was definitely a good change, my boss' suggestion so kudos to him.

I'm moving to New York. Matt got a new job, and so we're off. Well at least he is off. I'm still chilling in the city of mediocrity (lol!).

I plan on leaving by the first week in February. *shrug*

It's crazy cause I know if this would have happened this time last year or the year before last, I would have not been ready. It's amazing that God knows you what you need and when.

Please pray for our house to sell and me to find a job!!

And I'm out...

Thanksgiving Special

2011-11-25T18:03:00.001-05:00

So I've been writing this blog for sometime, and now is as good as of a time. I want you all to know. I love you and appreciate you!

> > Family:

> > Mom - the very things I think annoyed me growing up about you are traits I have developed...staying longer than everyone else to help clean, doing things for others because they are nice even though it's an inconvenience. I'll spare the normal thanks for the roof over my head, college education, and car. Thanks for making the awesome, God-fearing woman I am today.
> >
Dad - I'm most definitely a daddy's girl. I truly appreciate all the sacrifice. I believe that's it because of your example I chose such a wonderful candidate for my life partner.
> >
Cicily - I know I get on you about all that ATTITUDE, but I would be lying if I didn't say I had a lot back then too. I love being a big sister to such an smart young lady. Make you respect yourself and others will follow.
> >
Tyler - I know you think most of the time I'm on your back, but it's only because I love you. It's when I stop worrying about you that you should be concerned. Stay diligent in all you do and your hardwork will pay off.
> >
Matt - to one of the most important people in my life...thanks for exposing my flaws, pointing out my mistakes, correcting me constantly...ultimately thanks for making me a better me (even though I usually don't receive it well). You have challenged and I hope I have done the same for you. You have become one of my best buddies...I wouldn't have it any other way. Here's to many more to come...
> >
> > Friends:
> >
Naya (Amyah) - where do I begin?! I love you girl. We've been together since grade school, can you believe it? I can't...through marriages births, who would have thought. Thank you for you friendship, for your sisterhood...thank for my first niece, she's sooo awesome like her mom (and her godmother LOL). Thanks you for entrusting me with the awesome responsibility of being myah's godmother. It's really a honor. And in case I don't say it enough, you're awesome. I've watched you turn some coal like situations into diamonds. You deserve all the greatness that is coming your way. Myah J - auntie J loves you very (and maybe one day uncle mack will too LOL kidding)
> >
Krystle - twelve years and counting...I know you've been trying to get rid of me, but guess you've noticed I've yet to leave (I haven't seen you leaving either, so...lol). And honestly I don't plan too. We've grown too attach now. Thanks for consistently calling, it makes me feel like someone cares.
> >
Ebony - you restored my faith in adult friendships. I brag on you all the time, about how great a friend you are. I mean seriously...You're the best!! I very thankful our paths crossed. And I'm soo excited for you and all the wonderful things that will be happening to you next year. And I hope to continue to be included to celebrate with you!
> >
Kell - let's recap, you got married, graduated from law school, passed the bar...that's more than some people do in a lifetime. And I would expect nothing less. Our relationship has evolved from roommate to friends, and it's been a fun journey. Your the greatest traveling partner (and candace). I can't imagine trips without y'all! Which reminds need a trip ASAP...we have one coming up. Yay!!! Can't wait!
> >
Candace - I'm so thankful your okay, seriously. After we got off the phone I kept thinking how thankful I am you are ok. If I think about it too long I'll probably burst into tears. Who would I call and harass or panic too?!
> >
Mialana - thanks for just listening, and thanks for sharing. We don't talk as much as we used too, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. It's so great to have someone who understands you when your at your lowest and doesn't kick you while your down.

Justwrite85 Answers Questions

2011-11-08T12:50:00.000-05:00

So I came across this on CNN.com…I liked the question because it happens more than people think. And I wanted to give it a stab and answer it.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been in a long-distance relationship for six months with a guy I’ve known about two years through work; we’ve seen each other in person for what amounts to a month during vacations and we talk daily via Internet chat and video.

I’m in my late twenties; he’s in his early thirties. I really care for him and thought I was falling in love. Things were going really well on our last vacation up until the end of the trip when I asked him was there anything in the relationship bothering him, and he told me that while I had a very pretty face, my weight has been an issue for him.

I have dropped some weight since I’ve first known him and currently wear S-M shirts, U.S. size 8 in pants. He soon apologized after seeing how much it hurt me, but I know it’s honestly what he feels, and is a factor in his attraction to me. He said that while it was a factor, it wasn’t a “dealbreaker.” I can’t stop thinking about it and my self-esteem has taken a bruising. I was working on losing more weight, and this could be a kick in the butt to get on it, but I wonder what it could mean long-term.

I sometimes want to end the relationship because of this and because he doesn’t seem to be as attached as I am, but a part of me wants to see what happens next year. Perhaps I’m moving too fast anyway. What do you think? — Weighty Issues

Dear Weighty Issues,

Six months is a long time, and the fact that you knew him 2 years before that, your size should be no surprise. With that being said people have types, ‘prototypes’ and things they like or prefer. They have the right to have these slight ‘discriminations’ because in all honesty they ultimately have to ‘deal’ with it for as long as the relationship last. The only exception, in my opinion, is if significant change happens during the relationship (i.e. pregnancy weight gain, thyroid issues, etc). If not he went in with eyes wide open, so he can not use this as an excuse, but it doesn’t seem like he did. He was honest and I do applaud him for his honesty…but at what expense?

Weight is such a sensitive subject and it can really pierce deep, sometimes we don’t realize how deep until the spotlight is on us. I can understand why you would take a personal, but to be completely honest, he was just answering a question. If he says it is not a deal breaker, maybe it is taking him some time to get used to it, to get over his ‘discriminations.’ Our basic instincts, wants and desires are deeply embedded. They make up who we are and while at times they may be bias, illogical and/or irrational, they are apart of us. They are innate characteristics that we possess, so it can take some time to revamp our thinking and replace them with unbiased, logical and rational results. He may be used to dating a certain type of woman. You may be the opposite of that, and it may take him some time to realize his ‘problem’ with your weight is not a problem at all or to realize it is HIS problem and not yours.

Next, we come to the question of whether to end the relationship or wait and see what happens next year. One thing to remember is that while time heals wounds, it doesn’t change people…People rarely change. With all that being said you should consider the relationship as a whole when considering moving on, if he is not as involved as you then that may be a big red flag to move on. However, I don’t think that him expressing his discontent about your weight should be a deal breaker for you if it isn’t for him.

Lastly, losing weight should be a personal conviction. It should not be something that you do for someone else because most things done for others are short lived. Take control of your life and your weight because you want too, not because someone else thinks you should. If you are fine like you are, be proud of that. Be healthy, happy and contentent because ultimately you have to live with yourself.

My Hairstory

2011-10-31T11:18:00.002-04:00

So the craziest realization happened to me the day the other day about my hair. I had gone to get my hair done, I figured it was time to get the ends clipped and see the damage I’ve been doing since I’ve just been letting my hair do its own thing. I got it clipped and pressed, it was pretty long just blow dried out, but of course after the cut L…but my hair needed it. The last time I pressed it out was for a friend’s wedding, and of course before the weekend was over so was my hair. That’s usually how it goes, and since I’ve been trying to exercise regularly pressing out my hair has not been an option. Also the fact that it is a production to do so, although I’ve gotten it down to about a 2.5 hour science.

So after I got it pressed I found myself doing the most to make sure I didn’t sweat it out or mess it up. I kept it tied up unless I was going out. I woke up early to press and curl it. I took so much more time getting ready. *SIGH* When I was finally ready to wash it, a week later I was super glad to have my natural curly hair back. Hair that doesn’t make me wench at the rain, hair that requires nothing more than a scrunchy and some gel…I didn’t realize how much I missed it. Simple morning washes and go, slicking it back into a bun, two strand twists. I missed it all.

Now let me get this out I am by no means a natural hair fanatic. I think you should be able to wear your hair any way you want to wear it. I think you should wear what looks good on you, not what is cool at the moment. While I have natural hair I don’t in any way really feel like I identify with “natural hair fanatics.” Perhaps it’s because I’ve been “natural” most my life. My mom let me get a perm in seventh grade after I begged, it was cool just didn’t want to keep it up. All my beauticians warned against it, but sometimes you just have to try things on your own to get it. I guess I don’t identify with them because I have the type of hair that lends itself to being natural, I have a nice wave, curl pattern that works well and is easy to style.

Honestly, I think people are too hype about the natural thing, that’s just my opinion. I don’t think it’s for everyone, but to each his own. However, seeing my natural hair again after a week felt liberating. I missed it. It reminded me of the first and only time I decided to get a track put it. My college graduation, I figured I would be running around and didn’t want to risk messing up a press. Well I was ready for that thing to come out three days later. I almost cut out a chunk of my hair to get it out, my dad finally rescued me (he was used to helping my mom, lol). Then and there I decided my hair was all I needed. I’m lazy when it comes to my hair and I take it for granted, but I really do appreciate it.

So sitting here typing this with my two strand twists untwisted I say maybe I am my hair. It doesn’t define, but it makes up a part of who I am. And when it’s in it natural state I am probably most content, which is the best place to be. J

A Year Later

2011-10-18T13:34:00.003-04:00

It’s Tuesday…that loooooongest day of the week. I don’t know why Tuesday always seems so long, but it does. I always feel like time is just slowly milling away. Anywho from time to time I like to check my blog to see how I am doing now versus how I was a year ago.

Last year this time I was in school, tutoring, working and had just finished my second year as assistant youth leader for AYS. Talk about busy. I had also realized my need to distance myself from Twitter and those that chose to roam its streets, lol. I also just gotten the new Kirk Franklin CD, which I still bump faithfully until this day.

So what’s changed? I am no longer in school or tutoring. I needed a break from school, but I do have enough credits to teach on a collegiate level now. Hooray! That goal will soon be accomplished. I no longer work with the church youth…long story short. I have tried to get back into it, but people are not serious. I’ve made some good changes in my diet and exercise routine. I’ve seen some progress, still have a while to go though.

I’ve managed to find my life boat friends. These are the friends that I would put on a life boat with me cause I don’t want to not have them by my side. They have rescued me from despair and helped my split my sides in laughter. I can’t thank them enough, sometimes I’m sure they don’t know how much they help.

It’s almost time for my new job to start. I’m not sure how I feel about it, I’ll let you know when I start. The great thing is I think I’ll get stay on my every other Friday off schedule *fist pump*.

Spare the Rod...

2011-10-10T14:43:00.004-04:00

So I’ve been rambling the last few posts. I figured it’d be nice to get an organized post together.

This is not the original article I saw, but it’s the basic story. I saw a clip from the CNN story with Don Lemon, where they had a therapist on reputing the need for corporal punishment, spanking. http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2011-10-06/news/os-child-abuse-video-arrest-20111006_1_child-abuse-video-youtube

There’s a story in the news about a 25 year-old black man who is accused of abuse. He posted a video on youtube (his dumbest crime) of his teaching a mentee a life lesson for acting out in school. He cut off the little boy’s hair and eyebrows (a bit extreme), spanked him, and made him do a series of bootcamp exercises (possibly also a bit extreme). Now I am not sure what the little boy did, and if the crime really fit the punishment, but these are the facts as I know them (which means very little). Soon the National Center for Missing and Exploited Childrenen tipped off local authorities and this guy is being charged with child abuse. The mentor maintains that the purpose of all this was to teach the little boy a lesson and help him not become a statistic (another jail-bound black man). A noble lesson that hopefully is learned despite the circumstances.

First, it breaks my heart while teaching this lesson, the mentor will fall short of visions I’m sure he had for himself. Once he is convicted he will be caught up in the very cycle he was trying to keep this little boy out of. Yep, I said once he is convicted, he’s going down for this, which is unfortunate I think. I’m sure he felt his heart was in the right place, but the whole thing was poorly executed. It does concern me that the little boy was not his child, but he had been mentoring him for a year, so hopefully they had developed some time of bond. A bond where the child understood and appreciated the standard held, and understood the consequences of not abiding by those standards.

I honestly think his guy’s main crimes were his inability to be more discreet in teaching his lesson, and the extremity of the punishment itself. Part of me feels the punishment was extreme, but I don’t know the crime. I am a firm believer in corporal punishment by way of spanking, to help aid in teaching and correcting. I believe it is important to use physical punishment in combination with verbal lessons (no profanity, or yelling, needed), so that the child understands their wrongdoings and is able to make better decisions in future situations. However, I also am quick to add that, punishments should be tailored to the child, not every child needs a spanking. Parents/Guardians should consider this when disciplining.

The main problem I have with the original snippet I saw was the therapist point of view. Some may think that spanking is not necessary and call it abuse. And I believe spanking can be taken too far, and has been many times before, but I also think it a legitimate way to discipline a child. I hope this guy, and his mentee, have learned some important life lessons. Everyone doesn’t agree with spanking and, in general, we can agree to disagree, “but as for me and my house…”

Sleepy in the Cube

2011-10-07T14:50:00.002-04:00

I’m sitting here at my desk…sleepy. Because I decided to stay until after one watching Felicity the series on Netflix. I kept telling myself it was a bad idea to watch another episode, but myself did not listen. Well now I am paying for it. I have actually lasted longer than I thought I would have. So to keep myself from laying my head on my desk and taking a little siesta. I’ll just blog to pass the time. Which essentially means another ramble blog, or perhaps somewhere along my ramble I’ll find a purpose.

So the marriage retreat is coming up soon. Actually next month. I usually am excited to go because I’ve enjoyed myself the times I’ve gone. Just something in my spirit is not willing this year. I think it’s the fact that we have gone three years in a row and still don’t really “know” anyone. We get reacquainted every year and I guess I’m not in the mood for that.

Ever feel like you are being ignored by everyone? No, ok then it’s just me. Welp that’s how I felt this week, ignored and bothersome. Like I was constantly interrupting people anytime I tried to talk to them. And the moment I say that someone hits me up on gtalk. O_O So I decided to not reach out to anyone else except Eb this week as I didn’t feel welcomed. I’m probably being overly sensitive, I’ve been known to do that. *skips along*

I’m planning a game night over my house for my coworkers. I’m trying to decide if I should invite outside work peeps…

I was going to go to atl this weekend, but decided not too. For a couple reasons…I was there two weeks ago, it cost for gas and to put the dogs in the kennel. And after a while going just didn’t seem fun. *shrug*

I have a new phrase “weep softly” …I love coming with new phrases or stealing them from someone else.

I’ve been peeing like a race horse….drinking 64 ounces of water throughout the day has me staying in the bathroom. I wish I could move my computer into there.

This gtalk chat is doing me good…

On the Real: Two month Rambling

2011-10-03T17:25:00.000-04:00

I’m doing it, NOW! Forcing myself to blog. It’s been a while…almost two months. We’ll I am happy (and sad) to report nothing has changed. Well I take that back I got a new position, no more money though, but that’ll come. The crazy thing is I felt pretty confident about getting it, but I’m unsure of where the Lord is taking me on this journey, but He’ll reveal that soon enough. There have been a couple things I’ve been wanting to blog about, but since I didn’t write them down I forgot them. So this will be a bit of a ramble, but I don’t mind. J

Let’s see all in all though everything is copasetic. Things are moving along. Life is changing and I’m doing my best to accept it for what it is.

I’m ready to move out of Huntsville, which is no surprise to most but I think the reason why is changing. And the fact of the matter is I won’t be doing so until the Lord says it’s ok. So until then I wait…

They posted the requisition for my old job and I’m feeling a bit nostalgic, I’ll get over it. Although I do think the new program won a lot more in me than I gave myself credit for. Which means I’m going to have to really talk to the manager about potential promotions. I think after this year, I’ll be ready for one.

I was told today I speak softly on our conference calls. They suggest I be more assertive, which is something I guess I need to work on. I’m not a big fan of criticism, but done properly it’s effective.

I feel like the Lord is about to open the floodgates, and I’m very excited. He is also about stomp on my enemies *shrug*.

I’ve been feeling pretty positive these days, I’m just trying to look at the bright side. I think I’m realizing more that if I do this I am able to better understand the Lord’s lessons and accept His blessings. And I am totally thankful for that.

I’m at an impasse with friendships. I guess it’s part of the life lessons. I realized the other day my expectations of my friends are changing. I haven’t quite verbalized these changes because in a way I’m allowing people to weed themselves out. Basically, I just want more transparency. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me, and if you’re not then perhaps our friendship should be reevaluated. I feel like for a long time I pushed my friendship on people, and I think that era is over.

I have talked to people lately about losing weight and most people say they just want to lose 10 to 20 pounds. They claim they don’t want to be skinny, just fit in their clothes better. I, on the other hand, want to be skinny. If I thought I could reach 120, 110 without doing anything extreme I would. It’s a weird goal I know, maybe it’s because I’ve never been that skinny. *shrug* A girl can dream…I also would like a million dollars.

I started watching Felicity the series (again!!). I used to love that show in high school. Funny how TV can parellel real life. Guess they have to get it from somewhere.

Zumba tonight…I love it. But for some reason I am dreading the gym tonight.

Work is over, Matt is outside waiting, so my boredom for now is temporary done.

Oldies but Goodies

2011-08-11T10:54:00.000-04:00

Remember Regine, Khadijah, Sinclaire, Max our favorite TV girlfriends (and Kyle and Overton, our best male friends). Kim, Freddie, Ron our favorite coeds, how about our favorite couple and best wedding scene “Baby please…” Whitley and Dwayne. And who can forget our favorite family, the Huxtables, who truly showed middle class black America...Bare with me I’m having an nostalgic moment. I am a self-proclaimed TV junkie, I spend most of my spare time watching TV, although now that I have a DVR I feel freer to explore other hobbies (still haven't picked up any new ones but I'm working on it); but when the DVR fills up…TV time, I spend more Sundays on my couch than anywhere else. I know there is so much more I could be doing with my time, but you’ve got your hobbies and I’ve got mine. I spend most of the time I watch TV watching the Food Network, my TV literally stays on that channel. Iron chef, Paula Dean, Chopped, Next Food Network Star, The Neely’s, Hungry Girl, Barefoot Contessa, Drive-Ins, Diners and Dives…all my favorites, if it’s on Food Network I watch it pretty faithfully.

I realized the other day, thanks to Eb, I don’t watch many new shows. I try to get into some, but rarely am able too. I became a Hawthorne fan because it was the only new thing to watch in the summer (genius on the producers part...but it started off slow and still lacks some of the character development I appreciate, but bygones), although this season has made me reconsider my commitment (smh so much DRAMA). I embraced Harry’s Law with Kathy Bates (I’ve loved her since Fried Green Tomatoes…if you haven’t seen that, get to it!). Of course, I was a fan of The Game, so I’m excited to see it revived even if it is on BET, the station that takes black people back 30 years. And while I found Let’s Stay Together a bit…tired, I watched the whole season of it. And because of major advertisement on my Pandora stations I started watching Against the Wall, it was only the second episode as of last Sunday, but it might have some potential. I know that seems like a lot, but for a self-proclaimed TV junkie that barely grazes the surface. I caught the pilot of Single Ladies and was quite disappointed. I was hurt at the way they portrayed black relationships, and black women in general (and just because there is one white chick doesn’t diversify the show that much), perhaps it was the day I saw it on and I was emotional or something, but maybe not. I would really like to see less black shows that focus less on what I think brings us down as a society (and a people). I know it’s all for the entertainment, but I just want more in my TV watching. Now I only watched the pilot so it may have gotten better...

Honestly since Centric and TV One have started to play my old favorites I figured why should I have to watch some of the stuff they try to entertain me with, my TV oldies will always be goodies to me. I loved Living Single for the friendship they all shared. They had dating woes, but they were independent and appreciated what a man could do for them. I loved A Different World, it reminds me so much of my college experience it’s scary. Two working, professionals as parents, that was my life, so the Huxtables was relatable to me.

I am not condemning anyone for what they choose to watch that is your decision. Plus I have my guilty pleasures that I indulge in (reality shows) like I Love New York 1 and 2, Flavor of Love, Real World / Road Rules, You’re Cut off, Celebrity Fit Club, Braxton Family Values, Biggest Loser (that show kept me on the verge of tears), Sinbad, Pep’s Show, Fantasia For Real (Tasia Boo is my girl! LOL). Most of these are short lived, but I have a weakness for watching real people make fools of themselves when money is involved.

All that being said this self-proclaimed junkie is sticking to the oldies but the goodies for now. :)

Life Lesson: #516020

2011-07-22T16:36:00.000-04:00

So this week was TONS better than last week. I got approved to start an alternate schedule, every other Friday off…YES! My manager volunteered to mentor me more to help me move along in my career (and I got a glowing interim review, cause I’m awesome and God is GREAT!). And I think I found a trainer, she’s so perky and awesome. Yes this week definitely trumps last week. But in order for me to be so thankful for this week I realize that last week had to happen. So in retrospect I am thankful for the hardships of last week.

While in the trenches it's hard to be thankful or see the light at the end of the tunnel. But that’s not a new issue, I think we all struggle with these type of doubt. I recently finished reading 1st and 2nd Kings. I have to say they have some of the best stories in the bible in those books. Tales of kings and queens, the lavish lifestyles, and of course the downfalls of empires. It’s better than most novels I’ve read and even better cause it’s real life events. What stuck out to me the most was reading about Elijah and Elisha. Now two of my favorite prophets from the times of old. These men were in true communion with God. They believed in the power that the Lord had given them. They spiritual balance they possessed is awe-inspiring to me. Elijah stopped the rain (1 Kings 17:1), a dead man fell on Elisha’s bones and was revived (2 Kings 13:21)…the power these men had because of their faithfulness and relationship with God makes me excited. It excites me because I know it’s still possible I believe in that power, I want that power.

While I know it’s possible I find myself stunted because so many times I doubt my ability fully. I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I don’t know if my course of action is the BEST course of action. It’s like being afraid to die and afraid to live. It’s almost like I think I’ll make a mistake, but I have to know that God is still in control no matter what. I have started to really and truly realize if you are faithful to God, he’ll be faithful to you. Hands down.

So until then I stay encouraged...

2011-07-15T16:15:00.000-04:00

It has been a long week. My mental strength and (somewhat…lol) optimistic attitude have been tested. If I didn’t think it would be too emotional draining I would give a blow by blow. In a nutshell…I got cursed out by someone at work, I’m realized I’m involved in some toxic relationships, my career goals may be unrealistic (when it comes to my mental sanity)…just to name few. But honestly I am still thankful. I am thankful for the weekend and the rest it will hopefully bring. The dawning of a new day and soon a new week. I am thankful for God’s faithfulness and His fulfillment of His will in my life. It hasn’t come yet, but I am thankful and excited for it. I’ve even adopted a new motto: God is great even when life is not good.

Testing with Google+

2011-07-13T10:53:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to test this and see if it would update in Google+. I am a bit nervous about sharing my blog with everyone, mainly because people have so much of an opinion about what I should write about and how I should write. But if you are confused about your opinion about my blog please defer to the March 28, 2011 post. J

A Shelter in the Time of Storm

2011-07-08T10:27:00.001-04:00

I’m sure most Christians are familiar with the story of the tower of Babel found in Genesis 11:1-9. After the flood the people were scared that God might decide to try and destroy them again, so they decided to take some action. What’s important to note is that God had already promised Noah no more floods, but I guess they dismissed that point (He promised fire next time…hope that junk was fire proof). Anywho the people started building this tower that would reach ‘the heavens’ so that if God did change His mind, they would be safe up there with Him. Of course, God wasn’t going to let that happen, so he confused theirs languages so they were no longer able to communicate. Personally I think destroying the tower would have brought me more satisfaction, but God and His grace and mercy. So the people were unable to continue building and thus went their separate ways with those with like languages.

So as most of the world knows we’ve been having some terrifying weather…tsunamis, earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes... In April we had a wave of storms here that left Huntsville in the dark for almost a week. So recently with all the rebuilding people have been trying to take more caution, and have more storm prepared houses and businesses. For instance, my boss is upgrading his house to be completely run on gas in case of emergencies, the secretaries from two departments were discussing their new storm shelters being built (there are nothing but reinforced cement rooms), and there is even talk of understand bunkers starting to take shape (you can having part in one for a couple of G’s) underground. People are spending thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands to be safe from acts of nature. If only it were that simple.

I understand there are lessons to be learned after the storm. And I did not take those lessons lightly. I mapped out a plan of safety of where to go in my house. I will remember to grab my wallet and important documents and seal them in a plastic bag and if need be attach them to my person. I should have fresh batteries, candles, flashlights, bottled water and canned goods. But my even the most prepared person is still never ready for the biggest storm. After the storm while driving around I saw several cement telephone poles on the ground snapped like twigs. That was a sign to me that there was no running or real safety here on this earth. My safety here cannot be bought or built with cement. There is nothing that keeps me from day to day except God’s grace and mercy. That is the only thing I have that I can rely on especially in times of the storms, and that cost nothing.

Book Review - Jezebel by Jacquelin Thomas

2011-07-07T16:43:00.003-04:00

OK so my one book a week goal is just…smh…I finished my second book this week. Yet another Jacquelin Thomas book. I’m going to stay away from her a while. I love her books mainly because of the biblical principles they force me to acknowledge. And I must at admit every book I have read from her gets me thinking more and more about my spirituality. It reminds that God’s original purpose for the bible was to give us insight. Insight into his mercy and grace, insight into examples that show us how to live, and ways that displease God.

This particular book is modeled after the story of Jezebel, found in 1^st and 2^nd Kings. To be totally honest I don’t think I’ve ever read the story of Jezebel in its entirety, I know that basic gist. But what I do know about Jezebel her name has never been synonymous with anything endearing. She was a conniving woman whom God punished with a harsh death. No need to elaborate on that much further.

This story is about Jessie Belle a sweet southern Belle who has big dreams of moving out of her small town on to bigger and better things. She is able to do this with the help of her new husband. However, the more Jessie gets the more she wants. She seems insatiable for material wealth and prestige. In the end she gets what she wants, but not without a price. The story of Jessie Belle is similar to any and every one who has even wanted more when what they had was enough.

Book Review - Samson by Jacquelin Thomas

2011-07-06T11:57:00.000-04:00

So true to my word…I stopped by the Library and picked up a few books. I thought getting four was a bit ambitious but I have already finished one, so maybe not.

I have finished Samson by Jaquelin Thomas. I did a book review on two other books I have read of hers… Book Review - The Ideal Wife by Jacquelin Thomas and Book Review - Redemption by Jacquelin Thomas. She is a wonderful author/storytelling who is able to transform biblical stories into modern tales with the lessons they were intended to have in the bible.

Most people know the story of Samson, it is story of lust, passion and misguided ministry. The story of Samson can be found in Judges 13 – 16. When you are first introduced to Samson in the bible you immediate know how great his calling is. You understand the purpose the Lord had for him. He is destined to be great. However, it is Samson’s desire of lust and passion that stunt his greatness. They cripple his talent and cause him to fall prey to the desires of the world. I believe that Samson’s internal struggle coupled with his desire to do right and his human weakness caused his ultimate demise. Our actions all come with consequences. Some are visible like Samson’s blindness, but some are hidden only scarring us within. The wounds within sometimes take more of a toll on us than some physically injury. Although Samson chose to choose his own way the Lord was still able to use him. Although He wasn’t able to do so until Samson had let go of his desire for lust and passion and truly accepted his call. Samson’s blindness “open his eyes” and his heart to see and accept his true calling. Sometimes it take a little to get our attention and sometimes it takes a lot, but there are always red flags along the way.

In the book Samson is a handsome (6’4”, greenish grey eyes…) preacher who has a weaknesses for women. A weakness that also plagued his father and thus disrupted his early childhood. Yet, Samson believes that he can combat this weakness on his own. He allows his desire and lust to control him. He gets involved with the women and ultimately pays for it. His greed and selfishness cause a trail of bad interactions with those that cared for him the most. Throughout the book there are challenges that call Samson to be better and do better yet, foolishly he thinks he is in control. His lust and passion leads him down the road of destruction, however, like Samson, of old, he is able to redeem himself; but not before he has to deal with the harsh consequences of his actions.

This book made me realize that we all sin…and ultimately sin is sin. No sin is greater than another, this is shocking to most because somehow we feel justified when we can find a greater sin in someone else. You tell a white lie to get out of work…sin. You kill…sin. One might reap greater consequences, but neither is greater. It opened my eyes to the reality of lust and desire, and the danger of uncontained passion. Nothing wrong with any of these things as long as they are controlled and contained. The problem is we are rarely able to control and contain them as we think…”the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Never rely upon yourself for the answers because usually you are the one who got yourself in the mess anyway. And ultimately “be sure your sins will find you out…” You can only hid behind your sins for so long before you are found out. This is a lesson best learned early to avoid continuously embarrassment. In the end though we are created with a purpose. God has destined all of us to be great, and it is His desire that we fulfill this purpose. However it is up to us to follow His calling for our lives and rest in his grace and mercy when we make mistakes. It is something that takes humiltity and faith, it is not an easy task, but a neccessary one for a content and joyous life .

On The Real

2011-07-05T12:34:00.001-04:00

It’s been a while since I last blogged. I’ve taken a trip to Fort Lauderdale, the fourth of July has passed, and I deleted my twitter account. So here’s a brief recap of these happenings:

Went to Fort Lauderdale for a wedding. It was a beach wedding, my first ever. It started at 9 (well I was there at 9, started around 9:30), only lasted 20 mins at the most. Next, it was the cocktail hour which seemed like it lasted for hours, finally the reception which did not end until 2 in the afternoon. My biggest mistake was skipping breakfast thinking that we would at least eat by 11, so when it was 12 and I hadn’t eaten…it was not good. But all in all it was a nice experience, even spent a few extra days after hanging out in Fort Lauderdale. This made me realize I have to take a real (week long) vacation. I have sent a date (and a budget) for December *crosses fingers*.

This past weekend was fourth of July weekend. I did the bare minimum which was absolutely my intention. We spent all of Saturday hanging out. Sunday I drove to Nashville to see a friend from out of town who was visiting family. This was nice. I was super late, smh. I could have kicked myself I would have loved to spent more time hanging out. After that we didn’t do anything else. Monday was similar, went out for brunch and watched a movie then headed back home for…more movies! Lol. I kept hearing the fireworks and decided to check them out. My neighbors did it up! I got a good show in my pajamas. Even found some fireworks and sparklers (my favorite!) in the house that we lit up. I really wanted some picnic food and was hoping I would get invited to a BBQ, but maybe later. This is probably the most relaxing fourth I’ve had in a while. I appreciated it.

Like America Fourth of July weekend was a symbol of me asserting my independence. I finally deleted my twitter account. I’ve been wanting to do so for a while. Just kept making excuses about why I hadn’t…welp, the excuses stopped this weekend. I still haven’t regretted it, so I think it was a good decision. I deleted it in general because it reminded of things that I am hoping to forget. I enjoyed my time on there in the beginning. I am grateful for the people I got to know, very special people who hold a place in my heart. Perhaps I’ll reconsider one day, but until then I’ll find something else to occupy my time. :-D

I think I’m going to read more…I think I am going to stop by the library and find a good book. I’m going to create a goal of a book a week. My personal challenge for the month of July, so look for book reviews (of at least four books…yikes!).

One for the Team

2011-06-17T11:39:00.000-04:00

So another softball season has started. This is my second season playing. We’ve been tutoring for the first half of the season so we were unable to play. But school finally ended and we played in our first game on Wednesday. I was a little nervous because I felt a little rusty. Truth be told I am always nervous, I hate getting out and I hate making mistakes that cost the team. Anywho I was pretty good on Wednesday, no outs, and made it home once. Yay me! In all honestly we whooped the other team, 18-1 (ouch). Since the mercy rule applied we had to stop playing in the fourth.

However, we love to play so we decided to continuing playing a friendly game. I hit once and made it to first. My second time up I made it almost to first before they called my ball a foul. So I had to come back and hit again. When I did the ball bounced off my bat and hit me right in right part of my face. Just for the record softball’s are hard (even though they have the word ‘soft’ in them). My face immediately started to swell up. I felt like the right side of my face was falling off the bone. I was afraid to try and open my eye, thinking that it might have suffered some injury. But thankfully everything was good with my eye. I have some bruising and swelling, the spot where I got hit is extremely tender. But otherwise I’m GREAT! And ready to play again, which was suppose to be today, but it’s raining so maybe Monday.

Matt took a real artsy picture of it on my phone (I like it!). You can tell my eye is swollen a bit and I have some abrasions. But all in all I am well

On The Real

2011-06-15T13:17:00.000-04:00

So sitting here listening to Nothing Left to Day by Mint Condition (I love 90's music...post coming), love that song and realizing it’s my work anniversary. Four years…today I started. Looking back I was so excited to start my career and move up the corporate ladder. In actuality I had no idea what I wanted to do (still don’t, but I have a general idea). My first year was the worst, I learned some important lessons, but in general hated it. I felt like my time would be short-lived at the company. But four years later I in a position I can stomach daily. I like what I doing for the most time, I wish I had more flexible schedule (my boss is old school…). I also wish I was more advanced, but all in time.

My relationships in all aspects are evolving. I am excited about trimming the fat off. And some fun things are happening in my friends lives and I am excited to be included. I have also come to realize the good friends who know you and appreciate you are hard to come by. And at a certain point in your life you stop “making” friends, and choose them based on life circumstances: Where you work, where you live, who your kids play with and so on and so forth.

Otherwise, I am trucking along.. waiting for something BIG to happen. Kidding. I am enjoying and embracing life cause it reminds of how good God is!

To Whom I Love...

2011-05-25T10:33:00.000-04:00

So Oprah is almost over…I knew she would go out with a bang, so I have been watching her last season rather faithfully. Well they had a BIG shebang for her at the United Center in Chicago. Now I will admit I’d been hating on her. But now looking at it, she has really done something with her clout. She has taken what she has multiplied it and used her time in the media for something we don’t see often…good. I am not going to raise her up on a pedal, but I do think she deserves some kudos.

One thing they have been doing at the end of her shows this season is having her guests send her messages. This was all culminated at the United Center with tons of celebs like Jamie Foxx, Usher, Pattie, Aretha, Will and Jada, Madonna, Rascal Flatts, Stevie, Senfield, Michael Jordan, Dakota Fanning, Beyonce, Maria Shriver, Gale, Alicia Keys, Maya Angelou, and so on came to bid The Oprah Show farewell. At first I thought, this is so much…but then I realized maybe not. So many time we wait until it’s too late—funerals—to celebrate someone’s life. They should know while they are alive how much they are loved and the influence they have had in people’s lives.

There are so many people I should thank and I know most times I don’t say ‘I love you’ enough, but know when I do say it I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Four years ago after I graduated from college (Wow…four years), the pressure of my relationships begin to get to me. I decided to take a much needed break away from it all and totally unplugged. So I did, but not before I wrote all my friends letters expressing to them how much I love them and how much they meant to me. I needed them to know in spite of everything they had made a difference in my life. I believe that everyone who walks in your life for a day or a lifetime has an impact if you let them. I’ve been thinking about those letters recently and thinking maybe it’s time for some more letters. I will admit that this time around there will be a lot less letters, and that’s OK time has filtered some people out. But the original letters I wrote four years ago are still very relevant, and those people will always have a place in my heart.

So to whom I love...know that our time together has meant so much to me. I love you, and even if we grow apart I always will. We will have and have had our ups and downs, but I think that is part of what makes our relationship stronger. Telling you the truth is not always easy, but is very necessary and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I appreciate your support, and words of wisdom. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, and allowing me to share with you, celebrations: birthdays, graduations, births and even failures. I truly believe there is a reason you were put in my life. I hope that my influence and time in your life has made as much of a difference as it has in mine. Lastly, my prayer is even if we drift apart you prosper, that you have nothing but the best.

All My Love,

Jailyn

Jumping the Broom

2011-05-19T16:45:00.003-04:00

So I saw Jumping the Broom last night (I don't get all the hype), it ok not bad but not great. I wasn't a huge fan of the acting, it could have been funnier, some parts were very awkward, I hate that in movies. Anywho like most things there there lessons that can be found in it.

First, your body is precious and you should be careful who you give it too, cliché, but true. I won't say any more on this because I am no expert, I'll just leave it at that.

Second, when you get married to someone you marry them and have to deal with their family and you inherit their family's baggage. Think about this before you say I do. Your in-laws maybe loud, country, ghetto, rude, but they are your soon-to-be family, and accepting that is half the battle. And just like your family you are stuck with them for life. Your wedding is one day, but family is forever. Remember that. Don't burn bridges over one day (can't stress this enough). Your wedding ultimately is a proud acknowledgement in front of friends and family of your love and devotion for one another. While the day should be special for you and your significant other remember that it's also about those you invite. After all unless you are getting married on a secluded island with nothing but a pastor, you are planning the wedding for friends and family. Include them in it, make them feel apart of it. Wear your grandmother's broach for your mom, it won't kill you nor will it ruin your day, but it will however bring your mother even more joy, so what's the harm in it? Don't let people walk over you and definitely make your own decisions, but be flexible. Family traditions are important don’t let them die because of your stubbornness, remember the wedding is just a day, but the marriage is forever.

People will constantly try to 'help' you plan your big day…it will drive you nuts mostly because it is just their desire to control things. Do not let this bother you. Do not entertain them. Understand most times this help comes from a good place. Be firm when letting them know that their help is not needed, but gentle enough that you are able to live with them afterwards. Again…one day versus a lifetime.

Next, EVERY wedding, again I can not stress every enough, has issues and some kind of shortcomings. Something will go wrong when planning your wedding or on the day of the wedding...the cater maybe late, bridesmaids may not fit into her dress, the dinner rolls maybe hard, your wedding dress maybe be late...but the challenge is not in the obstacle it is in overcoming the obstacle and your attitude in doing so. First, BE CALM…breath. Next, DELEGATE. Finally, LEAVE IT and MOVE ON.

Finally, your wedding, that one day will soon just be another day in the grand scheme of things. Focus more on your marriage then the wedding. Have fun planning the wedding, but remember the best (and worst) is yet to come. This is just one of the many mere symbols of your union. Remember why you fell in love, remember the intense emotion you feel on that day. These are the things that will carry you.

Putting it all Out There

2011-05-19T16:30:00.000-04:00

I'm going to do this because perhaps it's time (and Krystle put it out there on fb anyway...lol). I am the Fit person for May http://puttingthefitinfitness.blogspot.com/2011/05/fit-person-award-for-may.html (I helped her come up with the name.)

This is one of my good friends blog. She is a fitness nut and health guru. She actually studied it in college, so she's legit and she's a registered nurse (I love my professional friends). She decided to start a fit person of the month. I got to be the first Gennie pig. Although it was touch and go I should thank Krystle for asking me to do this, she's been encouraging me in this process all along.

So when Krys first asked if I would do this I agreed because she's my friend and I had made 'some' progress, so why not share. I was cool up until she put it on fb for tons of our friends and family to see. Then all I could think of was the shame and embarrassment in the contrasting photos I gave her as before and after pictures. My heart sank thinking about what people would think of me, and how they would view the pictures. My feelings of insecurity started to run rapid. Now people have already noticed the change, and have freely commented on it from "did you lose some weight? to "you lost A LOT of weight." (although I think my family's reaction has taken the cake). Truth be told I can't see a BIG difference (or many of the differences others claim to see), other than my clothes fitting differently. So in the beginning I was surprised people even noticed.

I felt like a contestant on the Biggest Loser (one of the reasons I never wanted to go on the Biggest Loser is because of the scale...I hate telling my weight)...which I have become a huge fan of now. To watch them be so successful at their weight lost goals is truly inspiring. At times I am jealous of their extreme success, but I'm trying to get there. I was hesitant to share my success before I reached my ultimate goal, because I still have a ways to go. But I guess it doesn't hurt to celebrate for the success I've had so far.

So here's to being "mildly" successful...and putting it all out there!

Untitled

2011-05-18T16:32:00.000-04:00

I thought this was a very interesting article, Study: Most obese moms, kids underestimate their weight. It talks about the misconceptions children have about weight because of their mothers, very heavy stuff in my opinion. However, this creates a very good segway into my blog for today (which I have been meaning to blog about for a while).

So, if you have been following my blog you have probably read this post, My Love and Hate Relationship with my Weight and All That Jazz. I explained in that blog how my family has played a part in my obsession (and depression) about my weight. My mom, my aunts, and cousins are always talking about being on diets, not eating this and that and so on and so forth. Or how if they could lose this or that? Comparing and contrasting fat, judging others progress… *eye roll* And even more important to note is that most of them are still very much overweight. The problem is they try quick fix diet tricks instead of putting in the work. This includes my mom, the biggest dieter of them all. I have always teased my mom about her dieting. Which she always casually mentions while indulging herself, and vows to start Monday, so she can enjoy her indulging without the guilt. So while talking to my mom one day and joking about her being on a diet (my mom is about a size 10 to put this in perspective…maybe an eight on a good day), she told me there was a reason she did that. She told me the reason she was always on a diet was because of her mom. My grandmother up until her death last year (February 2010) had always been a heavy set woman (having eight kids might do that to you), and most of her sisters (who also each had more than four) were overweight too. My mother said she stayed on a diet to make sure she never got as big as her mother or her aunts. Imagine my surprise when I realized that this was a vicious cycle that had started long before me.

Now let me pause and say that a lot of things contribute to obesity and being overweight in general and when it comes to our family. To me being overweight has a lot to do with what you eat, physical activity, DNA (genes), attitude, ability and determination. First, we as a family love to eat. Our after church meal every week consisted of mac and cheese, meat and gravy, sweet potatoes, greens, corn and green beans, potato salad, fried mushrooms and dessert. EVERY WEEK!!!! And every major holiday (with even more goodies added). I will admit just thinking about is making me hungry. After eating all that we would just sit around and talk. No one suggested a walk or encouraged the kids to go outside and play. As I said my mom, aunts, and cousins were always passing along new diet information. Always a quick fix never a permanent solution. The ability to do something was always there, but the determination was not.

Skip forward to adult me, struggling to lose weight and become healthy and happy about my body and weight. I have shared my struggles thus far, with 30 pounds down and 30+ more to go, my determination is kicking into high gear. Others have noticed the change, but more than ever I want my family to notice the change. I want them to see and acknowledge the fruits of my labor, so we can change as a family. And that happened for the first time the other day when my mother came to visit. I had not seen her in three months, which in actuality is not a long time, but she commented on my weight loss. At first it was like she always did when she thought I might have been losing weight “oh, are you losing weight? I can tell around there…”, then she would proceed to explain what she was doing to lose weight and how all she needed to do was to lose this or that. *eye roll* I hated when she did that it seem to minimize any hard work I had done. But after she left she called me and said, “You look good. I’ve got to step up my game.” I didn’t ever think I needed a moment like that, but I guess I needed it more than I thought. It has propelled me to want to reach my goal even more as an example to my family that hard work, dedication and attitude make more of a difference than a simple quick fix diet. I want the opportunity to help my family break that vicious cycle, so my younger cousins don’t fall into the same trap. I think I have started it by just being an example.

On the Real: City of Darkness and Saying Goodbye

2011-05-04T13:11:00.002-04:00

I've lived in Huntsville now for 8 years (yikes!), and the one thing I have learned is that these meteorologists can not be trusted, so I chose mostly not to look at the news or the weather. (o_o) Last Wednesday, April 27th, started like a typical day...a bit dull and dreary, but typical. I had no idea it was suppose to storm, which I have realized is probably better (as my fear would have been paralyzing had I known the magnitude). Looking back I am quite ashamed of my annoyance, but after being called into the auditorium at 9 and again 11, I was growing weary. I understand it is a security precaution, but it feels like punishment being trapped in a small room with people who feel the need to talk my ear off because they have nothing better to do. My annoyance settled temporarily as I heard the meteorologist say that we had 10 more hours of weather like this…um what?! I have spoken of my fear of storms before and I will say that in part most of my fears of storms lay on the line of rational and irrational ideas of what could happen. But this time it was really happening…(I actually started panicking the day after…). I found out yesterday that 229 tornados actually touched down over 24 hours last week.

When we got home on Wednesday the power was out, it came through our area first. I thought ok it'll be back on later tonight, I even postponed making dinner to wait for the electricity. It never came; I cooked outside on the grill in the middle of a thunderstorm. (-_-) I didn't realize how bad it was until I went out for a drive on Thursday to charge my phone (which was dead which meant no one could contact me, which panicked people) in the car. The whole city was without lights…it was surreal…a whole city paralyzed without electricity. Grocery stores with completely bare shelves and thousands, maybe even millions, of inventory gone. Burglaries started to happen, so they imposed a dust (8pm) to dawn (5:30am) curfew. No gas, stoplights, hot showers… It’s not until you don't have electricity that you realize how much you need it!

I saw Katrina unfold on the news, my heart broke and it was hard to fight back the tears. This situation had the same effect…there were stories of triumph, a 95 year woman who sat in her recliner, covering her head, and rode out the storm will little injuries, and tragedy, a father who gave his life to shield his teenager daughter. Watching this stuff on the news is sad, but seeing it in person being able to drive down the street and realize it missed you by a mile…is nothing to take for granted. Knowing it was around the corner from me gives everything a whole new meaning. To see the neighborhoods that were totally destroyed, nothing left but a pile of wood.

Now I will say that I disagree with the Katrina comparison. The tragedies that happened here still dull slightly in comparison, but that is my opinion and the government's response will forever suck. There were several major areas of destruction, but a lot was centered in the middle income to upper income neighborhoods which were heavily guarded by the police. I can almost bet they have decent insurance that will set them up in a hotel and fix them up a bigger and better house. I don't want to downplay what they have lost by no means; pictures and family mementos can not be replaced. But I doubt the people in the poorer neighborhoods will be as fortunate. In the end my prayers and help (I did a smidge…) goes out to all my neighbors. We had no lights for four days, we had to throw everything in our fridge out, but in the end I believe we did not suffer at all in comparison.

**************~~~~/~~~~~/~~~~~~/~~~~~~*************-------/--------/--------/--------

We left town soon after realizing that power would not be restored for a while…although I was hopefully. We had planned to go to Atlanta for my father's farewell as associate pastor anyway. During the service I begin to think about when we first moved to Atlanta my eighth grade year. We moved from Chicago when I was 13 years old. I hated it, what teenager wouldn't, being uprooted from their friends and way of life. I struggled for a while with friends and other issues because of my move. I don't think I ever felt at home in Atlanta until I moved to Huntsville for school. We had never been members of a large church, so it was overwhelming when we chose the largest church in the city to become members of. But soon we found our place, especially after my dad became the associate pastor. I think as people bid us farewell at our reception I begin to realize that this indeed was my church family, although until that moment I had never really embraced it. This was a place where I could come to see familiar faces and feel welcomed…and matter to someone. I knew people who had come to my high school graduation, supported me throughout college, and seen me get married. Memories of getting married, watching my brother and sister get baptized. All these memories came flooding back. It was a place where people knew my name, and I actually liked it. I think I began to realize that sometimes you don't realize where home is until you have to leave. I go to the biggest church in the city where I live now and I can tell you, I don't feel a part in many ways, but that was my initial experience in Atlanta. So after the farewell this weekend I am in high hopes that history will repeat itself and I will feel at home again with a new church family.

Workplace Harassment

2011-05-03T23:54:00.001-04:00

IF you work in corporate America you have seen the lame workplace harassment videos. You have had to take the training...such a pain. But now that I feel like this is happening to me, I believe this training might have some merit. Perhaps I have a bias view of harassment, so I'll let you decide...I have shorten the stories and details and refrained from including my EXTREME disdain about the situation. But if you have heard it first hand...you know the deal. If not holler at me...

So, I changed buildings almost two years ago. When I got here I had a coworker over here telling me about one of the janitors, who would share personal information about his relationship with his wife and such. At first I felt sorry for him, that he was unhappy in his relationship, I encouraged her to tell him to seek help. Flash forward to last year another coworker starts to receive phone calls at her desk after hours from him. He is making inappropriate remarks and carrying on very unprofessionally, so much that my coworker threatens to tell security since he is calling within the building. Now flash forward to this year, a new coworker transfers over here. She is immediately bombarded by this guy, he dances on the personal line with her, doing just enough to stay legit.

Ok, so knowing all this I have decided to keep my distance, be cordial but that's it. Although we've had a couple run-ins, when he admittedly came at me about smiling after I received a kiss from my husband. (Seriously dude you are just watching my husband and I in the car... O_O). And late last year when he felt slighted because I walked into the lunch room and didn't acknowledge him. (I am here to work, not to socialize). So the other day, my coworker causally mentions that he asked her why I hate him. *Pause* Me not being overly nice to you is hate. Ok. In general I keep my distance from most people at work because, honestly, I don't care to socialize with most of them (mostly has to do with trust, but another story for another time). But in his case it's a personal precaution to keep it at a safe distance, so he doesn't think getting close is an option. *Continues* She goes on to say how he mention my beauty (which my coworker thinks is because he is interested) *eye roll*, and he wanted her to ask me what my deal was. *Pause* Seriously, have we gone back in time to high school, grade school even. Mind you this man is old enough to be my dad. *blank stare* At first I get upset because he is not bold enough to come ask me himself, then I laugh it off because it has no merit and should not even be an issue. So I just brush it off and tell her to tell him if he has an issue he can come to me himself.

So maybe he got the hint because the next day he comes to me and says he needs to ask me something when I get a chance. *scoffs* When I get a chance...um...I'm at work, I only have time to work, it's what I get paid for. Since this was the day of the storm I have yet to see him since then and will NOT be reaching out to him. He can come to me and I will try to be civil...which according to the guy I will not be able to do. The thing is I am very uncomfortable around this guy, I hate walking by him or even being around him. He creates a semi-hostile environment for me, and I don't like it.

At this point I feel like I am being harassed and perhaps I'm being dramatic, but people are CRAZY. And I don't want to risk anything taking a chance on a crazy person. So pray my strength during this situation cause workplace harassment is a serious issue. And further more since I rarely talk at work I would hate for the first extended conversation my coworkers hear me having is me laying out the janitor. *black woman stare*

It's My Birthday

2011-04-20T23:31:00.000-04:00

I am thankful for another year of life...my birthday was very uneventful and I don't mind. I found myself in the spa...so I am happy.

Brithday Joys

2011-04-12T11:21:00.002-04:00

So next Wednesday is the big day, my birthday and entrance into my "late" twenties…LOL

I have no (big) plans, the only thing I really want is to be in someone's spa for at least an hour.

Last year I wanted to do something big because it was the big 25, but that was downgraded which in the end was much better. I appreciate my birthdays now more for the reflection I get to use them for. Last year was a year to remember not because of how great, but because of the all the lessons learned. Since then I believe I have truly done some major work on myself (inside and out). I am more content with the state of my life and how things are working out. I am more willing to accept the here and now instead of what could be. If I did nothing but lay in bed and around my house for my birthday I would be fine. Because ultimately a (paid) day off work is awesome by itself, and a blessing in the times we are living in. I am very blessed and I am taking note of that. The Lord has been working some major miracles and I am too thankful and delighted.

I have seen myself grow a lot this year. I have found my strength in areas of my life that I never thought I could. I have gained control over certain things in my life. I have reached goals I knew were possible, but had never tried. I have recognized weaknesses that I have that make me both empowered and fearful.

All this helps me realize the getting older does really help you get better.

So here’s to another year!

Storms and Sunshine

2011-04-05T14:57:00.000-04:00

So to know me is to know that I am TERRIFIED (deathly afraid) of storms…I don't know where this fear came from and I know it’s not logical. My fear of storms is as practical as people's fears about spiders, heights, and so on and so forth. When I was younger, during a storm, I used to spend the night in my parents closet during storms. As I got older and went to college it was less feasible (and less cool) to do this. So I suffered in silence and basically went the night without any sleep. Now that I am older and married sleeping in the closet is still not an option, but I have learned how to sleep a little through the storms especially if I don't focus on them (I do this by keeping the covers over my head).

So whenever there is a storm I want to be somewhere safe and sound (preferably a solid structure of some sort). There is nothing that magnifies my terror more than being in a car during a storm (and driving through one personally is a sure way to give me a heart attack). Yesterday there was a wave of storms that came through the south. I didn't even know it was going to storm; it's probably better that way, so I was panicking all day. Anyway the storms decided not to hit my part of Alabama until around the time it was time for me to leave work. This meant I would be in the car on my way home during the time when the storm was suppose to hit the hardest. I was calm at first because most time the meteorologists here exaggerate. But when I got in the car the radio was on and they had been feeding us emails at work, so soon I panicked! Full on panic, irrational panic…thinking of whether I would have to jump in a ditch to avoid an impending tornado. I prayed all the way home…once I was home I was fine. Thankful I had made it in one piece.

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining so bright and there was not a cloud in the sky. It made me think of Noah and how after everything finally stopped and they were able to get off the boat what a comfort the rainbow must have been. I let my imagination take flight and imagined it was a day like today, not a cloud in the sky, just the sun and God's rainbow.

Days like today always puzzle me, but they also give me something to look forward too after the storm. It makes me wonder how the sky could turn so ugly and produce such a mass order of disarray, yet turn into something so beautiful and awe-inspiring. I guess perhaps if I focused more on the next day I would be less afraid of the current storm. It's much like real life. Everyday brings some challenge to face and overcome some obstacle to get over or around. Focusing on the 'sunny' days can make even the stormy ones a blessing knowing that the best is yet to come.

God Willing and the creek don't rise...relationship anxiety and other random stuff that I was thinking about

2011-04-01T20:45:00.000-04:00

I don't know, but that title makes me giggle and yet brings me comfort all at the same time...and I thought it would be a great title for this post. While some is random and maybe incoherent (to some)...it make sense to me.

I don't talk to many people these days, so when I do get the chance it's nice until they start asking about children or encouraging me to move. If I am fine with my life the way it is...can't you be also?

Ok so my rant comes from a conversation I had with someone yesterday. I think that first problem was that I picked up the phone to talk when I wasn't in the mood to talk. Anywho we started talking and as I usually do when we talk I allowed her to carry the conversation. Toward the middle it got kind of dry, so she pulled out the usual "when are you all having kids" question. Too tired to come up with something sarcastic I politely answered. Then we got on the topic of friends, being married and moving on... I won't even get into the entire conversation, but basically she blamed my nonchalantness toward "our friends" on my being married. -_- Seriously. Ok, I'm done.

So...recently I've been exploring my sensitive side. *blank stare* So I have been actively rehashing the past to dig up and hopefully get over some feelings I have had toward people. I find that I don't hold grudges (or maybe I do), but I remember them, vividly. Some may find this to be a bad thing mainly because why bring up the past. But the more I contemplate the more I understand that the past shapes us and how we address certain situations and issues. I am the way I am because of my past situations... Before I divulge anymore I have learned some important facts (and fiction) that I believe makes me who I am today.

Fact: At some point at life everyone hurts you...how you deal with this can strengthen or destroy a relationship
Fact: Everyone is Not your friend...some people are just nice, but they are not your friends
Fact: Everyone does Not have your best interest in mind. Period.
Fact: Forgiveness is the first step to help you move up, and more importantly, on
Fact: Silence can be golden, sometimes saying nothing speaks in more volumes
Fact: Relationship growth and acceptance is key for better relationships
Fiction: Shutting everyone out will not make anything easier *repeats over and over*
Fiction: Once friends always friends

Now let's have story time:

I get a text from a friend telling me about a party at another friend's house. This is the second message of this kind, so slightly annoyed I haven't heard from the other friend I text them to see what the deal is. They confirm the party then request my assistance in helping with the party. My response...oh ok when? *blank stare*

I have been texting and calling a friend since last October...no response until almost a month ago. Then she texted me two weeks ago asking for my help in a fashion show she was doing. My response...sure. *blank stare*

Last year a friend told me I was cold and aloof (ok so didn't use those words but I summarized)...hurt me to the core. But I would still do almost anything for her. *sad face*

What I have learned:

I have a hard time saying no...when it comes to certain (most) people. I have a hard time expressing myself because basically people suck a understanding your point of view and/or even listening to you. And the funny thing is most people wouldn't even describe me as a pushover...I struggle with balance in most of my friendships and it causes a bad case of relationship (friendship) anxiety that carries over into so many facets of my life. So much to the point now I shrink at the thought of making 'friends' or keeping some of the old.

But I still thank God for the lessons I have learned and the ones I hope help me through this.

I don't care...at least for now

2011-03-28T13:43:00.002-04:00

Disclaimer: This is my blog! Mine. My blog is my blog. I write on it what I want... when I want. I blog because I want to because I LOVE to write. I write because it's freeing...no judgement just my words uninhibited. Nothing. It's a way to clear my head. And at this point I write cause I don't care...what you think. *exhales*

Random Passing Thoughts

2011-03-25T15:43:00.006-04:00

It looks so beautiful outside…can't wait to get out there! And it's the weekend…YAY! Finally, this week I've gotten less than adequate sleep, and my body doesn't know how to act. Oh well. Anyway spring is here, GEEKED! Even though spring here last all of a week. First, it warms up then it cools down, then it jumps to hot. :-/ Next time I move, I'm moving somewhere they have all the seasons (especially my two favorites spring and fall).

Sitting here bopping to Cece Winans "I am" and thinking about the things I say then regret. Slightly annoyed I have to adapt to my surroundings because people are sensitive…and annoyed that I am sensitive cause of their sensitivity. I'm such a softy sometimes. Oh great now, Kirk Franklin's "More Than I can Bare" is on. Creepy guy keeps coming over to the breakroom and staring in my cube. I hate sitting across from the breakroom. He's so creepy...being here with him alone...smh. He probably wants to chat…Pass.

I am very sensitive (internally) to people's words. I rarely share my sensitivity, I usually try to get over it. And I can forgive, but I very rarely forget…a blessing and a curse. I like this song. Probably because it reminds me of my teenage years. Good times. It has a good message too. I need to get this CD on my phone ASAP. I liked most of the songs. I like Kirk Franklin, thinking about picking up his new CD. I am using a lot of commas, some correct, some not, but it's to show the pauses that I have in my thinking.

I should do more of these random passing thought post more often. They are so much fun. It's like emptying your brain. I promised to help someone do something Saturday night, now I am mad I did although I don't have any plans. Alright, Marvin Sapp "Praise Him in Advance," someone had that line as a gtalk status "…praise will confuse the enemy…" didn't realize it came from this song. I knew it sounded familiar. Lol. I finished Women of Brewster Place for the second time. I like that movie, people say For Colored Girls is a remake of that. I think both movies help give black woman a voice. Most times we are portrayed as crazy these movies show our sensitive, vulnerable side which helps make us stronger (makes sense in my head).

I will probably post this without a proofread, so excuse any errors (or don't…I don't care either way…ha!). You know what I hate…people not following through with stuff they said they were going to do. I HATE THAT. If you said you were coming to call me back, or text me back. Or invite me over for dinner. Or have lunch with me. Or listen to a song I wrote. Or gtalk me back. Or start a new hobby. DO IT! I hate the lack of discipline some people have. Bygones.

Yes! Clark sisters "Is My Living in Vain?" bops head….*pretends to play the keyboard* I sooo happy right now (despite my minor annoyance)! I think that's my usually thing. I need to get annoyed (and be less internally sensitive) less. :-| Note to self…

Ok, I could do this for a while, but I this post would be super du duper long. So I'll stop here…and bid you a happy, spring filled weekend. *still bopping to The Clark Sisters*

From Extrovert to Introvert by Circumstances...

2011-03-21T23:51:00.005-04:00

First, you must know that I am/was currently/once was an extrovert. I was drawn to all things social. I held class or student association office every year throughout high school and college. I was involved in numerous other school and church activities. I always had something going on at my house during the weekends. I can not remember a time when I wasn't a social butterfly...well until now.

I feel like what was once a social butterfly is going back in time to become a catepillar. I'm no Emily Dickinson (that's who I think of when I think introvert...I know it's a bit extreme), but at times I feel close compared to my former self. I am not saying there is anything wrong with being an introvert, but I guess I just never expected it to be my story. It feels as though my wings have been clipped. I still like to hang out, but being alone has become quite appealing. But at times, I must admit, this causes a debilating jealousy for those who still have a social life, but I guess I've learned to shurg it off to life.

Some may chalk this change up to my maturity and need to move up and on, but some think it is merely a chance of circumstances. The theories of both are plausible. Perhaps in my youth I was more prone to want company, but now in my adulthood I am statisfied being by myself. Or perhaps because I have less like-minded people around me available to keep me company, I am less likely to want to hang out and, therefore, have no choice by to be be myself (both theories suck and exploring them further would just make me head hurt, so I'll leave it at that).

I suppose either way I need to be contentment, my ultimate goal in life, which means embracing my new found (potential) introvert personality....*here's to solitude*

Untitled

2011-03-11T13:29:00.000-05:00

I'm blogging for the sake of blogging, is there any better reason anyway? And I've been encouraging a lot of people to blog recently. In my experience it is such a freeing experience. It just gives me the chance to get stuff out there and off your chest. It also helps me organize my thoughts, which trust me, the mind of a genius is hard to organize (LOL). I find that is keeps me connected to where I am in life...it's basically an online journal. And I am a journaling freak, so I love it. That's one thing I love to do journal, I have a ton of them. I make it a habit to go back and read old blog posts and journals. I like to see where I was compared to where I am, in hopes that I have advanced. Sometimes the growth is quite surprising. However, I do realize that blogging and journaling takes a lot of discipline, but since it is something I love. It comes naturally. Now that I have gone off on a tangent...lol...Long story short, I love to write. And if you don't have a blog or journal get one and start releasing TODAY!

Next in Jailyn news, 2010 was the year of my personal transformation, tragedy and ultimately, triumph. I blogged in very, very vague detail about some of what was going on, but it was a muffled cry for help not heard/seen by many. And that is ok because the truth is there were so many lessons I needed to learn. Most people don't know how tough last year was for me, I was having a TON of issues. I shared with less than a hand full of people. I tried to talk to people about what was going on, but so many times it never went over well or I just didn't feel comfortable enough to tell people. Mainly for the fear of being judged or being dismissed. I kept most of how I felt bottled up with slight overflowings here and there. I prayed daily for a better support system to help me along. Recently, the Lord has allowed some people in my life to open up to me and helped me realize that I am not alone. I have found a good support system of people who I can finally release too. At first I was thinking, where were these people when I needed them? Ugh! However the more I thought about it the more I realized that the Lord needed me to take that time to lean on Him. I had lost that feeling that He was in control because i was so out of control. I am restoring the joy that i had lost, a continuous process as always, but a rewarding one. In building these new relationships I have realized the flaws that I have now in my current and prior friendships. I have developed some bad habits; my hope is that theses do not hinder my ability to be a great friend.

Ultimately, my goal for this year is to create a path to get to happy contentment... strange I know, but bare with me. We spend so much of our lives chasing people, dreams and goals. Is this really what is going to make us happy? Perhaps my path to happiness involves more of an internal acceptance than the things I seek. Right now, today, my path consists of me relaxing on the start of the weekend. It also consists of me taking note of a HUGE blessing the Lord has seen fit to grant me with. There are so many things that keep me off the path of happiness, but this year will be different by God's grace. The plan is too be more focused and driven to make staying on the path my number #1 goal. Wish me luck and hope to see you along the way...

Self-Check

2011-02-22T16:07:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start doing this more often. I was almost in a full-fledged panic attack and then I checked myself. #problemsolved #Iwin

No Strings Attached

2011-02-19T19:46:00.000-05:00

So today the pastor’s message was heavy hitting. It was a direct critique of couple's words towards each other. He started by describing how things with strings can be taken back, but things without strings can not be taken back. Words are not attached to strings and therefore are stuck in the atmosphere once they are cast out there. He used the stories of Michal and David in 1 Samuel 18 and David, Nabal, and Abigail from 1 Samuel 25.

The story of Michal and David in 1 Samuel 18 is a story of unrequited love. Michal, daughter of Saul the King, was in love with David, one of the King's warrior. David was originally promised King Saul's older daughter, but Saul tricked him and gave his daughter away to another man. Later on Saul makes another deal with David to give him Michal. Saul soon learns that his daughter is actually very in love with David. This helps because Saul is plotting against David. He gives Michal to David (for Philistine foreskins...part of their deal, read it, I'm not lying O_O). Her father tells her of his plan to kill David. She tells David and helps him escape. She chose her husband over her father (the pastor made sure to say that is the way it should be...leave and cleave, people). Through this act Michal exemplifies the essence of unrequited love, yet it is never mentioned that David felt even slightly similar in any way. In fact, he return to get Michal until 20 years later after his escape. And he only wanted her returned to him as a political token after her father had died. During the time of his absence Michal was given to another man (2 Samuel 3). When her brother goes to retrieve her from her second husband, he cries as she leaves. I would imagine, as it is now, it is never cool for a man to cry so he must have felt some way about her leaving. Only later after David returns from a his quest to bring the ark (2 Samuel 6) back does Michal's anger overtake her. She watches as the man she has loved so long and hard is dances, rejoices, and hands out food to the locals. She watches this and is overcome with anger. She meets him in the courtyard to give him a piece of her mind, which consist of a sentence, after years of the hurt she has suffered because of David. Her words, cold and hard, cost her a child as noted that she is barren to death.

Next, the story of Abigail, the story of protecting love. Abigail is married to Nabal, which means 'fool'. They use the beginning of this story to describe Abigail's appearance and her way with words, and Nabal's harsh and evil doings. What a pair! One day Nabal is sent a message from David to which he replies with insults. David being the warrior that he is does not take kindly to this and declares war on Nabal's household. Abigail is warned by a servant of what is happening. Quickly she springs into action, loading donkeys with gifts and riding out to meet David before he gets to Nabal. She meets him and instantly begs for his mercy on her husband and their household. She holds herself responsible for not intercepting David's original message. Then she admonishes David to leave Nabal, the fool, alone because he has bigger fish to fry. She notes that fact that he is in line to become King, and this should not be his concern. Her passionate monologue ends with a more selfish note as she tells him when he does becomes King remember her (*wink wink*). And he does just few days later Nabal dies and David takes Abigail as his wife. All because of her words of wisdom and endearment to him.

Two woman, two stories of the difference words can make. Although both were in love less marriages they both choose vastly different ways to deal with those marriages. As I have indicated on here tons of times relationships are hard work. I do question Abigail's happiness, but I guess in the end she was still was a winner. She was rewarded for her faithfulness to her husband. The pastor bid the Abigail's of the congregation his sincerest "God be with you." But assured them that their words can make a huge difference in their union. While there is also more that should be done, this is start...Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words cut you DEEP.

For his more eloquent words check out the sermon here...http://www.oucsda.org/ .

False Sense of Urgency and Emergency

2011-02-15T09:53:00.002-05:00

I have recently noticed that most people, myself included, have a false sense of urgency and emergency. What is urgent? What is an emergency? These are things that require immediate attention or adverse consequences could ensue. But where most people fail is determining the amount of urgency that should be attached to an emergency. First off lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute urgency on someone else. Personally, I will not rush or rearrange my schedule because you have failed to plan. This is the first mistake people make...don't do this. Combat this by planning ahead (or by finding someone who shares your urgency for the emergency).

I have made a small list of emergencies and non-emergencies (for those who struggle with the difference).

Emergencies:
You were shot (in the head, chest or major artery)
You have pain in your chest
You are in the middle of a nuclear war

***For these emergencies please call 9-1-1

Non-Emergencies:
You don't know how to do something and you waited to the last minute to try…
You forgot an ingredient at the store
You were late for you hair appointment, now you have to wait
You have a run in your stockings
You need a report
You need bail (perhaps you should used this time to think about what you have done)

***For these emergencies please get a G-R-I-P

There is no fire and, furthermore, I am not a firefighter…

The Moving Target of Contentment and Acceptance

2011-02-07T16:52:00.003-05:00

I really have nothing in particular to blog about, although the longer I sit and think that opposite may be true. Until I find something else I'll give a life update.

First, I am working on finding a true passion, passion that drives me to be the best in what I do. I think I may have an idea now, but I am waiting on a special sign.

Next, I am becoming more contentment just by accepting life for what it is. I was thinking by doing this I was accepting mediocrity, but I think I have realized that it is just the opposite. Acceptance doesn't have to mean you are settling nor does it have to be the final note. Contentment and acceptance come from learning where you are, so you are able to do more in the future. This time last year I was struggling with so much (different blog for a different time), it wasn't until the end of year I began to realize accepting and embracing where I am in life helps me see the panoramic picture. This way when I while I improve I continue to learn and become better. In order to go on to bigger and better things I have to be thankful, contentment, and accepting of what I have right now. I have been giving a number of talents and gifts…and blessings galore...and "to whom much is given much is required." I think I have realized that by not accepting where I am now I was not living up to my full potential. So what's this all mean? It means contentment is the best way to reach your highest potential...at least for me.

It's almost spring (this is only about 2 weeks in Huntsville, so I have to savor it quickly)...I love spring for its (re)newness like budding trees and flowers, my birthday, the weather (the nice balance of hot and cold), *whispers* did I mention my birthday...This is the first year in a long time I am looking forward to my birthday. I am usually not excited, but I guess times are changing...and according to me change is good.

I knew as I typed things would just start to flow.

My relationships have started to define and redefine themselves. I have reached some very nice places in my relationships with people these days. I have let some people go, I have gotten let go, I have improved relationships, I have enhanced relationships. I am learning what healthy relationships look like, what they feel like, and what benefits they should and should not have. Although the process at times is painful...I am thankful for the journey.

Finally, I know I seem like I am in a great place right now...living and loving life. And I couldn't agree more, but I realize that life is never ending journey with mountain peaks and valley lows. My current attitude comes from nothing, but God's grace and mercy, my ability to see a need and make changes, and my acceptance of life as I (currently) know it. In the end I believe that it is my ultimate acceptance of contentment being a moving target that helps me accept life for what it is and, most importantly, what it can be.

Guilt by Association

2011-01-25T16:38:00.000-05:00

Let me start this off these confessions: I don't take rejection well and I have a hard time letting people go even if they are toxic. I hate saying goodbye even when it's no longer a good thing. I am a totally softie under my cold, hard exterior (Ha!). Case and point last year I had to finally accept that one of my dearest high school friends no longer wanted to be my friend (I was about 7 years late in finding this out…LOL). She had made that choice by her actions and her words. Instead of accepting it for what it was I tried to hang on for years... This only created drama that lasted throughout college, my wedding and so on. However, this is old news so I digress and will move on. This is what made this even harder.

So here's the issue in a nutshell…I joined twitter. Yep, that's pretty much it. LOL! In twitter's defense I met a lot of cool people and have something to do if I ever find myself bored out of my mind. But in general twitter has made me slightly less awesome. I discourage all who dare to consider it. *wink*

I have blogged here numerous times about my fascination and my falling off of social networking (mainly twitter). Social networking is full of people who hide behind there technology gadgets and say whatever they want because no one knows the real them. They show you only what they want you to see. Most lead simple lives and like to share their simple thoughts (yes, guilty as charged). Occasionally during social networking people's worlds collide. I know people who have met their husbands/wives on twitter, best friends, and/or next baby mamas/daddies on twitter. Whatever the case sometimes social networking can give you a happy ending. But what do you do when the ending is not so happy? Most people would tell you it's social networking get over it, but what happens if your worlds have already collided? What happens when this becomes real life?

What happens?! Confrontation. Story Time (short version): …there was a fallout among tweeps (twitter peeps). Some things were said and done that caused a lot of damage. People's feelings were hurt, people were unfollowed, unfriended, and cast out of twitter circles. I mean the reality is we are all human and we are bound to bump heads once in a while. I believe each side had their hand in the pot stirring up trouble. I do not like drama or theatrics. I believe in private constructive confrontation if possible, so when this ensued I was no where to be found. Honestly after everything I decided to limit my social networking time.

So today while thumbing through my contacts I was realized that I was following someone who wasn’t following me (thanks, Twidroyd!!). Which means I had been unfollowed, quick FB check I had been unfriended too…Now in all fairness this is not the first time someone has unfollowed or unfriended me. Most times I could care less because I rarely notice and if I do it's not a huge deal. The last time I noticed I promptly addressed the person (another story for another time). And I guess I shouldn't care since I am not on twitter that much now, but it does because of the reasons I mentioned in my confession above. It matters because our worlds collided. I know the unfollow and unfriend was done out of guilt by association. It was emotionally and maliciously done, and it was done by someone who is afraid to be honest and say that, but have no fear I know the truth (in a sense I have set you free by telling it…you may thank me now).

The simply fact is that I decided not to choose sides (and not to unfollow anyone), and by doing that I was deemed guilty. The problem I have with guilt by association is it defies my right to be innocent until proven guilty. Don't get me wrong…I believe these old adages that say 'if you lay down with dogs you are bound to get flees," or "you are the company you keep", and 'birds of a feather flock together." All wise sayings that scream one thing, be careful of who you associate yourself with. My guilt is solely based on my unwillingness to choose sides. It is grounded in ill-reasoning and an unjustified point of view. I am not going to rage a war on this because I think in a way we have all been guilty by association before. We have all had times when we were misrepresented by the company we chose to keep the decisions we chose to make. I believe our gavels have sometimes fallen too hard on those who have yet to begin their trial.

The truth is we are all constantly judging people and guilting them by association. I had a hard time unfollowing them even felt a little guilty, but in the end it was the person's choice to get rid of me. I guess I had no choice but to oblige. I have no problem that I was unfollowed or unfriended I wish I would have been judged solely based on my own merits, and not the merits on those who are simply around me. Now that I think about it I have no hard feelings and I care even less now than I did this morning probably because of the lame excuse I was given...but lesson learned.

Life update...

2011-01-24T08:55:00.003-05:00

Everything is everything...

Actually everything is going...I feel like I started off the year in an awkward routine. This is mainly because I was free from obligations (other than work), so I had free time to do the stuff I wanted to do. Of course that has since changed, but it has prompted me to be more proactive at saying no to people. No I can not do this or that because I would much rather have time to do what I want to do. I know it sounds selfish and from time to time I will committ to something I would rather not do, but I need to be more proactive in being happy and doing or myself.

I do have some good news I think I have might have possible found my passion (*cheers*). If you know me I thrive on this. I want to do something that I am passionate about, so that was my vow for this year. Honestly, I didn't know it would come so quickly nor do I know how I will get from point A to point B (that's God'd worry not mine). It started from some trouble I ran into earlier this year, that I am still dealing with (pray for me), it ignited a passion in me that I feel may have been a sign. I am still praying on it, so I haven't shared it with anyone. But I am excited at the prospect.

The Year in Review

2010-12-30T01:09:00.005-05:00

I know it's been a while since I have written. Not much has happened in that time frame, so you can breathe a sigh of relief that you haven't missed anything...lol. However, I have been doing some thinking about my year. Every year since I was about 16 I spend the last week of the year doing a mental review. I literally talk out loud to myself and go month to month reviewing life. I go from January to December, noting the ups and the downs, wrongs and the rights, blessings and more importantly the lessons learned. At times I find the growth so invigorating it propels me to do better.

This year has had some low points. I have done some things I am not proud of, but I have definitely learned some good lessons. It took most of the year for me to realize that I was trying to change my life when nothing was wrong with it. There is always room for improvement, I agree, but I was breaking stuff just to fix it. Smh at me.

I spent too much time this year constantly asking the who? what? when? how? of things. Only to come to the same conclusion...life is too short to ask so many questions. I am usually down for soul searching, but not at the cost of my sanity.

In the end let's just say I am all too happy to welcome in 2011, taking with me the lessons learned, and bid farewell to 2010.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

2010-11-29T10:39:00.001-05:00

I once prayed for patience, big mistake, because that is when my patience was put throught the refiner's fire. So I have to be careful what I ask for or what I say I need or what needs to be changed. There are a number of things in my life I am sure need some, a lot, of tweaking. I don't have the time or the patience to divulge them all. But I think the key to most of my flaws and downfalls fall within my lack of willingness to surrender completely to God's will. I believe if I use Him as an example, and follow his instruction and guidance I will be more able to change some of the things that currently bind me. I am a work in progress, but I am hoping for change daily.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

2010-11-28T10:28:00.000-05:00

I would be having a baby with my husband. It would premature to our plans, but definitely a blessing.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

2010-11-27T10:26:00.001-05:00

My new exercise plan and my healthier outlook on life…it's awesome. I am seeing some results from the new exercise plan. It might not be visable to the outside eye, but I am feeling better about it. I commend myself for what I have done so far. My healthier outlook on life comes from me seeing some things in a new light. It comes from understanding that this is my life, and only changes that will happen will come from our (God and I together) doing. I feel like I am able to do more because of this attitude.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

2010-11-26T10:17:00.000-05:00

Yes. I was in the 7th grade. Everything just seemed to be going wrong. I was fat, awkward looking...no one was showing interest in me..."everyone" was having sex, with older guys, (and getting pregnant) except me (I thank God I didn't fall into that trap). And plus it's middle school, so the peer pressure was setting in.

My mom found a note I wrote and showed it to my doctor. So my doctor talked to me about it…anywho I got over it. And realized such is life, and I had to deal with it or it would deal with me accordingly.

Honestly, the only thing that stopped my from really going though with it was that 'they' said you wouldn't make it into heaven if you did. So maybe a silly rumor saved my life...

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

2010-11-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

...had it not been for those twins, grace and mercy *shouts* (LOL...I'm a preacher at heart). I am alive for no other reason than God's mercy and grace. He has a purpose for me and I have to do my best to fulfill it. Plain and simple.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

2010-11-24T10:15:00.000-05:00

This would take a while. I'll post it a bit later.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

2010-11-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

I wish I had been more aggressive with my health and body before college. I think it would have helped in my self confidence and dating, although I did not have too much trouble in that area. I have always been "heavy set," but very active. I wish I had used that more to my advatage. I think it would have made doing it now a lot easier, but I am making moves and strides, so I am thankful.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

2010-11-22T14:03:00.002-05:00

I wish I had not settled down in Huntsville. I kind of hate it...I just wish I had more of a social life (more friends in here on my level) and better job opporunities other than defense contracting. But that's bygones...I am here and I am dealing. At least I am not alone...(except when he's playing video games...blank stare). I'm considering it our 'bonding' time. Pray for me...kidding. :)

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

2010-11-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

Um this is totally a 'duh' question...I rush to their aid. I ask the Lord for blessings for their health, life and strength. Actually I claim it with all my might...and I assist in whatever way I can. A true friend is a friend not matter what. Conflicts are a part of life, they come and go.

And honestly, in the end (as cheesy as it may sound) human compassion rules me. Anyone in need, friend or foe, deserves my prayers

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

2010-11-20T23:19:00.002-05:00

In large unguided quantities they can destroy people's lives.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

2010-11-19T10:36:00.000-05:00

I believe in God more than I believe in religion, but I am a Seventh-day Adventist, born and raised. I have studied for myself and decided this is the right choice for me. I am not lead by religion, but by my relationship with God. I feel like sometimes religion adds structure to that relationship. To most it seems like a hassle, but that is only if you are not willing to truly surrender, which is what God requires the most. OK that's pretty much before I start preaching...lol

I think politics are stupid, and for the most part I hate them. But I definitely don't take what my ancestors did lightly, so I most definitely practice my right to vote. And I choose the lesser of the evils...that's the most I can do.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

2010-11-18T10:31:00.000-05:00

As I Christian I do not condone homosexuality. With that being said I still respect and love those that choose to practice because God hates the sin not the sinner. And sometimes there are extentuating circumstances that can lead down this path. So I don't want to judge everyone the same, plus I have no right to do so.

As an American I believe all tax paying citizens should have the ability to do as they please within their rights as an American citizen. Honestly, I believe that marriage should be between a man and a women, so I think it should be called something else...But I believe they should get the same rights as all of us do, gay or not.

The end.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

2010-11-17T11:08:00.000-05:00

Man…where to start…I love, love, love to read, and anytime I get a chance I try too. There are so many things that I read that make me think. I'll stick to this year though, the books that stand out in my mind. This year has been a good year of reading for me. Most of these books I've already written blogs for, so I'll just share the title and provide links to the previous blogs.

No Disrespect by Sister Souljah

The Conversation by Hill Harper

The Ideal Wife by Jaquelin Thomas

Redemption by Jaquelin Thomas

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

2010-11-16T10:39:00.001-05:00

I could live without negativity, and the things that daily try to destroy me like lies, hate, deceit, anger and the list goes on. I would much rather live a positive, cloud 9 kind of life if at all possible.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

2010-11-15T10:30:00.001-05:00

I could not live without my faith in God. There are some who don't believe, who scoff at the idea and that is their right, but as for me and my house... I have been so blessed and some days all I can do is credit it all to the Lord. It was not by any doing of mine. I have witnessed miracles that can not be explained logically through science or anything else. I believe that is God just showing out, sometimes He has to do that to get our attention. I am not a fanatic, but I am a HUGE fan and a true believer that He exists. For me there is too much that goes on, on a daily basis that supports this. And in the end just like most science hypothesis it takes faith to believe in Him and His awesome power.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.

2010-11-14T08:56:00.003-05:00

So I try not to put that much faith into someone (as noted before). Because ultimately I believe we all have our flaws and come short of the glory. I still believe that there is good in a lot of people, but I recognize not every day, week, month or year is a good one.

Honestly, I have never been one to have role models or people I'd admire (hero). There are people I think very highly of, but that is where it stops. I think it is because although people have there high points, most have their low points. And for me to admire or envy them is to take on all of that because circumstances change people. I never know what I would do under new circumstances, they could make me a completely different person.

So I guess, in the end, I'll just settle for being my own hero. :)

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

2010-11-13T08:53:00.003-05:00

Anita!

Girl if you dont know, by now I absolutely love listening to you. Especailly when I am having a moment. I did a tribute to you not long ago, called The Best of...Anita Baker.

I love your music because it's soothes my soul...and it's largely based in reality which is really important to me...lol. And because you make music that reminds of true love, the ups and downs.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

2010-11-12T20:08:00.001-05:00

Something I never get compliments for...well how would I know. My unique way of looking at the world, although I suppose that's cause it not unique *shrug*. I don't get complimented on my advice. I think I give sound, reasonable advice. Sometimes I'm sure my bluntness turns people off, but the truth is the truth. I never get complimented on my bluntness with tact... I don't get complimented on my ability to conform...cause most the time I don't conform. I've tried that adjusting and blending in, but in the end it's just not me. I must march to the beat of my own drum.

This should have been what do you get complimented on that you don't like or that you do like. Well even though 'they' didn't ask I'll tell ya. I hate getting 'complimented' on my massive, manly, toned calves. I don't know how they got that way, but I wish the rest of my body would follow suit...lol. I'm trying to embrace them more, so thanks for the compliments and bear with me. I love compliments about how I dress or the way I carry myself. Always makes me feel like my mom and I did something right. I hate getting compliments on my 'good hair'. It's hair...and either it looks good or bad, screw the texture. I have always and will always hate the 'good and bad hair' debate.(Although I love song about it in Spike Lee's School Daze...makes me giggle....good and bad hair see if I care...). I love shoe compliments, cause I love shoes. I like being complimented on my relationship. :) I like when my husband compliments me. ;)

Oh I almost forgot compliments I love to give....I love telling people how awesome they are. I love telling people why they are special or important to me. I love complimenting other women on their features (yes guys we notice too). I mean if you're gorgeous, you're gorgeous. I love complimenting people on their talents. Honestly I just love complimenting people to see the sheer joy on their face when they receive it.

So the moral of the story is...give a compliment today...give 50.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on

2010-11-11T21:29:00.002-05:00

Wow....I just receive so many...kidding...I am honored whenever I receive a compliment. It really makes me realize that people are taking notice even when I am not.

I would probably say my cooking. I hate to toot my own horn, but I am pretty good in the kitchen. I can carve watermelons, make delicious cakes, and soul food that speaks to your 'soul'. And most of it is completely vegetarian.

I am also complimented on my helpfulness. If you invite me to a function I am usually quick to ask if help is needed (my mom taught me it's the polite thing to do). And because of some innate characteristic I have, I stay until the task is complete. If you leave me in a house with a dirty kitchen it will be clean when you get back. I have reorganized and cleaned out people's kitchen cabinets, cleaned pantries, and reorganized office supply closets. I am the personal Thanksgiving cleaning crew. Every Thanksgiving regardless if I cook or just eat...I always clean.

One last one, I reject all the time, my maternal instincts. Everyone is sure I will make a good mother...I'm pretty confident about it too...lol...but not anytime soon. :)

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

2010-11-10T23:36:00.001-05:00

I think I've purged a lot this year, simply by living. I've tried my best to get rid of dead weight...and have been somewhat successful as far as I know. But as I mentioned time will tell if this is true or not.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

2010-11-09T00:56:00.001-05:00

I think I am beginning to understand reasons and seasons. A lot of time we dismiss the reasons and try to keep people for more than their season. But time has a way of making you change your view on things. I must admit while I consider myself a good judge of character, I am lousy at choosing friends. I believe it comes from my innate need to want to help. I become friends with someone after I help them. Now before all my 'friends' get all up in arms (well the real ones won't)...I'll say this all my friendships are not all like this, but it took me a while to figure that out.

Anywho...I had a friend, whom I loved dearly. She helped me through a real rough patch in life. After that I figured we'd be friends for a long while. But circumstances changed, and priorities got sifted. She made the decision, in my opinion, about our friendship in her inability to be a good friend and her self-centered actions. I made excuses for her and overlooked her lack of respect for me and our friendship one too many times. I believed I tried many times to mend our friendship with no help, she may disagree and that's ok, but in the end I did what was best for me. I guess in the end you could say it was a straw that broke the camel's back. I just realized the friendship was not benefiting me as it should, so I just walked away. I didn't feel the need to explain myself because a blind man could see what was going on. We had finished our season together, and the time had come to move on.

In the end, I wish her nothing but the best, and maybe our paths will cross again...if not it was fun while it lasted, but I've reached my spot and I'm getting off this friendship train...

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like (ya know).

2010-11-08T23:51:00.002-05:00

Nope...never...I try not to give people that much control over my life. Love started out kicking my butt until I learned to really understand it. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm getting there. Right now I'm beautifully imperfect. ;)

Day 07 - Someone who has made my life worth living

2010-11-07T09:44:00.000-05:00

There is only One worthy this. He puts up with me. He's always been by my side. Always forgives me, no matter what. He's never left me from the day I let Him in. He even took on the burden of my sins to save. I owe Him nothing but my life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

2010-11-06T00:23:00.000-04:00

I hope to never have to live without God or some form of hope. I hope to always, somehow, someway see the silver lining. I hope to never do anything, but keep growing and getting wise (as I can get). I hope to never...be reaching for anything but contentment.

Day 05 →Something You Hope to do in Life

2010-11-05T09:55:00.000-04:00

I hope to be the BEST I can be. Basically I hope to live up to my full potential. I want mediocrity to never be an issue.

Day 04 →Something I have to Forgive Someone For

2010-11-04T23:58:00.002-04:00

I try not to hold grudges, plus I'm bad at it because in the back of my mind I know it's the wrong thing to do. Jesus said forgive 70 times 7, and He forgives me so often for messing up. How can I not do the same for someone else? I won't say I am not hurt still by some things, but all is forgiven. I'm just, still, licking my wounds. So with that being said this will be a short blog. All is forgiven because Christ forgave me. And if there is someone that I am neglecting to remember, somehow, I forgive you and all is well. #Amen

Challenge

2010-11-03T23:35:00.002-04:00

So I've been wanting to do a blog challenge since Mo started doing them on her blog. Just never knew where she got them from. So she finally shared the goods, and now I am doing my first one. I am 3 days behind, so I will do 3 days in one post and then a post a day from then on…If you want to see what is to come here is the website: http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

This is actually a hard one. Normally I would say my weight, but these days I have a new attitude, so I'll just refrain from that self hate. I hate sometimes how sensitive I am. I hate that I let little things that people say and what not get to me. It's hard for me to mask my feelings when this happens. I don't mind people being honest, but even still sometimes the truth hurts. Ok enough of the self hate...

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Wow this is even harder than the hate one...lol. But I love my sensibility, willingness to help, and creative side. I love when they mesh together to create something wonderful, and something magically me. In other words, welcome to my world of tricks. ;) Lastly I love that I am searching for contentment to me that speaks volumes. It says I'm ready to be satisfied with the here and now cause all I am guaranteed is the here and now.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself not seizing certain opprotunities and regretting it. Life is such and such is life. I need to embrace it more. I am learning to accept the lessons, so I cab move on to higher heights. I'm spending way too much time not embracing the lesson.

And so there you know that much more about me...

Technology @ work

2010-10-29T16:32:00.001-04:00

I blogged that last post from my phone...yay me!

Back to real life

2010-10-29T16:07:00.001-04:00

So for a while I was caught up in the mystical world of Twitter. It was fun while it lasted, but soon the 'funness' started to wear off. Don't get me wrong I love some of the people I meet, some of the relationships that were established on there. And occasionally I go back to visit and just shoot the breeze. However, it's not the escape it used to be. For a time I thought I needed an escape from 'real life.' I just needed a place to go and get away from it all. A place where making 'friends' was much easier. And I was able to do that will Twitter. I was able to express myself any way I wanted to for people who didn't know me from Adam. It was a very freeing experience. But somewhere my escape became too much like real life. The closer you to get people the more they are able to hurt you and exposing yourself becomes more risky. Things on twitter became complicated. People's personalities started to show...people clashed...attitudes collided. So I took my queue and bowed out.

There are several reasons why I have chosen to spend less time on twitter and doing other things, but the one that sticks out in my mind is my need to take more control over my life. I realized while I was 'escaping' life was passing me by. Yes, I was accomplishing things, but I was going through the motions and not living in the moment. I know I've said several times that people think I have things together and at times I am glad it looks that way, but it is hard work. It's a constant struggle for me to be more and do more. My need to continuously grow comes with all the growing pains. However it is what allows me to, hopefully, defy mediocrity. I refuse to settle for the here and now because it's here and now.

Here's how it goes....

2010-10-15T13:42:00.000-04:00

Yikes! Why haven't I written in 9 days?! I've been trying to find healthy ways to occupy my time. Although I think I may now have my hand in too many cookie jars. I am in school again, when boredom gets the best of me…smh. Thankfully this semester is almost over. At the completion of the semester I will have 18 hours of master level management classes enough to teach management on a collegiate level. Next, I volunteered to tutor math. So I tutor Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. On on of my off days, Tuesday, I have class. My time in AYS, the youth service at church on Saturday afternoon, finally ended in September after 2 years . It's bittersweet, but it's on less thing that will take my time. So right now I have Thursday, Friday and Saturday to do some of what I want, but by then I am just trying to rest to catch up with everything else (i.e. homework, rest, cleaning). But I am not complaining cause earlier this year I will bored to death during the week, sort of. At this point the thing I find refuge in is the gym (hopefully going this much will pay off). That's my life in a nutshell right now…until next time...

What's in My Ear....

2010-10-06T15:47:00.004-04:00

So I recently got Kirk Franklin's Fight of My Life from 2007 (I know I am late). But I like it…I think Kirk writes good music because of his experiences…not having his father or mother in his life, being raised by his grandmother, his addiction to pornography. I am not going to judge him because that is not my place. But he's human and falls short (no pun intended). I appreciate the message in his songs. Before I go any further let me say this…people write songs just like people wrote the bible…I appreciate message, plain and simple. Anyway, four songs really stand out for me, they invoke thought, which to me is always a good thing.

First, Chains. This song talks about the things that bind us, the things that hinder us from living to our fullest. It challenges you to free yourself. A major part of it is to die to self…and I love that concept. Understanding you can't control anything, so the best thing to do is to buckle in for the ride. …"free me from these chains"…

Next, Help Me Believe. I shared this song with my friend yesterday, just because of one line "...if I never hear I'm sorry, I can let it go…" I don't usually hold grudges. I don't have the patience, and I believe it strongly goes against what I proclaim as a Christian. But I am sensitive and I am hurt often by what people say or do. I cling to that and it causes me to draw back from them, to keep myself safe. It has a great deal to do with a lot of things, but some of it has to do with my pride. For me sorry goes a long way, but I have move on even if I don't get a sorry. It also talks about closing my eyes on this side this and getting up on the other side…which gets me so excited (GEEKED)…"help me believe in what I can't see…"

Then, He Will Supply. The title is pretty self explantory. "...Ask Isreal...Ask Joseph..."

Finally, Whole Nation. There is a reason that it takes a man (sperm) and woman (egg) to make a baby…that was no coincidence. Neither is it a coincidence that it takes two parents to raise a child. Yes, it can be done with one, but two is always optimal. This song expresses to me the need for fathers to be more present. Slight rant: One thing annoys me is how we down play the need for a father in a child's life. They are equally as important as the mother, they have different things they bring to the table, and that should be noted. I am also angered by the father's that allow a mother's hurt, anger, and even wrath to keep them from their child. You have just as much of a right as she does. If she is not comfortable with that, perhaps take some take and make her more comfortable. Don't let your excuse of what is keeping you from your child, be their mother. Sometimes it takes more to be a good parent. Do what you can to make sure you are there for you child. Same thing on the flip side…sometimes you have to put your feelings aside, ladies, to do what's best for you child. I know it's not always that simple, but we've got to start somewhere... End of rant.

Anyway just wanted to share some of what I am listening too...

Bittersweet

2010-09-28T15:50:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: This was just something on my mind. I do not know, nor am I in any way associated with the party mentioned below. I am simply expressing my opinion based on my limited view of the mentioned party. Thanks.

Plus it’s my blog and I’ll say whatever in the heck I want….Have a nice day!

Listening to Fantasia's 'Bittersweet' …not a bad song. It has actually grown on me, much like the American Idol herself. I didn't watch the whole season of American Idol that year, but I heard a few choice songs, and the girl had some pipes. I heard her story over and over again, watched her lifetime movie…*sigh*… At that point I was more impressed with her voice. Although, I did feel like she was treated unfairly when it came to her being an unwed mother…But, hey, that's society for you, we pick and choose and judge according to our own morals and value system which is screwed anyway, so she never had a chance. I liked that she took on the challenge.

It's Fantasia seemingly down-to-earth attitude, her faith, and personality that intrigue me. Most importantly it's her willingness to show she is human and to expose her flaws (as if she has much choice with the position she is in). Her ability to stay true to herself is something that I find perplexing at time. If I was a celebrity I can imagine how hectic life would get and how at times I would just want a break from it all. I am sure that is how a lot of celebrities feel, Fantasia included. But I appreciate celebrities who can show that side, and I get that from her.

It's not Fantasia's hard luck story that makes her rise above the rest to me. I think it's her ability to make me feel like I can relate to her (even though most times I can't)…I guess I feel like she is more human than most celebrities pretend to be. Recently, she has been in the media about her affair with a married man. Is he not to blame too? Was he not involved? I love how we always go after the woman...but that is another blog. What I will say is 'we have all sinned and come short of His glory.' Fantasia is human and that does not make her any less susceptible to faults and failures. She wants to be loved and love just like the rest of us. I can bet if you think hard enough you can think of some people you know who have been in the same or a similar situation. But of course, when you are a celebrity it is magnified.

So when Fantasia For Real started I had no desire to watch, all I could think is 'oh boy another celebrity reality show…where they show us, look we're human too'... Uh..no thanks.. Then I listened to her interview she did with Oprah. I felt the sincerity that she seemed to have, and the reverence when she spoke of her faith, and I was very surprised (It's a sincerity I've only seen with 2 other celebrities I can think of). Sure celebrities get up at award shows/banquets and gush about how thankful they are and how they owe everything to God…blah…blah…blah. But how many of them acknowledge him day-to-day activities or in all or even most of the interviews they do? How many of them acknowledge His presence or grace and mercy any other time than when the spotlight is on them in good graces.

I did start watching Fantasia's show and I see what seems to be a person who is trying to survive. I see someone trying to survive with the help of the people who are suppose to be there for you the most, her family. Yes, her family is crazy…but she loves them. And she shows them for who they are…it's the family she has come to love, why should she hid them in the background? I appreciate the fact that she doesn't shield them. {Side note: I know everyone thinks her brother, Teeny, is crazy, but we all know someone like him…I know I do.} Not only does she admit her short comings she seems to be trying to make them better. I don't know many people who would admit to a room full of people that at 25, they are on a 7th grade level as far as education is concerned, let alone a celebrity. People would be more willing to admit to a drinking or pain killer addition. In the end, I believe that Fantasia is truly blessed more than she even thinks.

Book Review - The Ideal Wife by Jacquelin Thomas

2010-09-14T10:33:00.000-04:00

****I didn’t give too much about this book because the subject matter is very sensitive****

So yes another book by Jacquelin Thomas, if you find an author you like read more of their books. I appreciate her ability to use the bible as a tool for enlightened and not a weapon for destruction. It brings the bible in modern times and challenges my thinking.

I'm sure by now everyone has heard 'wives submit yourselves to your husband' at least once. It's truly biblical don't believe me check out in Ephesians 5:22. Well as a Christian woman who is married I agree with this. Before all the feminists beat me up check out the verses before and after to get the panoramic view. It encourages husbands to 'love their wives as Christ loves the church.' And, trust me, Christ LOVES, LOVES, LOVES the church, so much he laid down his life, so please don't get it twisted. Love and submission in my book almost go hand and hand, can't have one without the other. This is one of the foundations the book uses. It challenges submission and love and their relation to boundaries and personal convictions. The story is actually based on the story of Queen Vashti, the queen before Esther.

Before this book I never realized the significance of Queen Vashti. In the first book of Esther, King Ahasuerus dismisses Queen Vashti because of her refusal to come out to be viewed by guests at the King's party; noting this request was made when he was 'merry with wine...' O_o According to some scholars, the King requested the Queen to come out with nothing on but her crown. Even if this is not the full truth the Queen was to be kept only for the King. A Queen is a King’s most “prized" possession. Once a queen was named she was kept away from the public eye unless it was for special occasions or requested by the King. Queen Vashti knew this, and therefore refused...it seems to me her direct refusal was more for the honor of the Queen, then the embarrassment of the King. However, this had to happen in order for Esther to take her place as Queen and help save the Jews. Sometimes things happen and we don't understand why until we see the full picture. Queen Vashti while defending her honor was dismissed as Queen to allow Esther to come in and save her 'people' from the hands of Haman.

Now before I go on I must say I am no way the ideal wife, I'm striving, but I know I have quite a ways to do. However, the book challenges wives, and husbands alike, to reevaluate what makes them 'ideal.' I believe, as I always have, that being 'ideal' has a lot to do with being equally yoked. If you are with someone who shares the same beliefs/values and such with you, you are more likely to work things out and be able to discuss things openly and honest. Next, I must say it is important before and during marriage to be completely honest with your partner about EVERYTHING. Leave no stone unturned, no closet door unopened and don't be afraid as a partner to ask. Marriage is hard enough without the secrets and lies.

So back to the book, Jana, a fervent Christian and recent newlywed with the desire to be the ideal wife to Lawrence, a prominent lawyer, struggles continuously with her desire to please God and her new husband. Lawrence requests of Jana continuously cause her to question her new husband, and in return cause him to question her ability to be the ideal wife. Together they struggle with a lifestyle that cost Lawrence his first marriage and might, ultimately, cause him his second. With the help of her sister, Robyn and her friend, Graciela, and her spiritually reasoning she learns sometimes success requires failure to save those around you.

Book Review - Redemption by Jacquelin Thomas

2010-09-08T11:12:00.003-04:00

*********Spoiler...sort of, even if you read this it is still worth the read********

First, I must say this is not the first book I've read of Jacquelin Thomas. I read Defining Moments which from what I can remember was good. It was a sequel to The Prodigal Husband which I have yet to read, but soon I will. But this is about the book Redemption.

Jacquelin Thomas is a good writer, who uses common bible stories, and puts them into modern-day settings with a twist. Too many times we think the Bible is out of date and not applicable to us in this day in age; but God and His rules/values never change no matter what the situation. The Bible is a timeless book with life-governing principles that apply throughout the ages.

This book was based on the story of Hosea and Gomer found in the Bible in the book of Hosea. The story of Hosea and Gomer is about unconditional love. Love that goes beyond the basics/surface and reaches the core…and then firmly plants itself and creates roots there. It had my questioning how I currently love. I mean do I really love unconditional like Hosea was suppose to love or like God loves us. I came to the conclusion I don't because I have a breaking point, a point at which I say no more...a point where I put my foot down. This was not the case for Hosea nor is it the case for God. If He stopped loving my based on my conditions I'd be screwed by now.

I think Redemption challenged me to be better in my marriage. It challenged me to love more, forgive more, and worry about everything else less. I said, 'I do' without stipulations and conditions; but too many times the unmentioned and undefined stipulations and conditions rear their ugly heads and cause our love to falter. The story of Hosea was meant to be an example for the children of Israel to show what they do to God and how he still loves them unconditional.

This book hits home for me because it challenges me to love unconditional without the stipulations and void of the self-defense mechanisms. Many times I believe the stipulations and conditions come while we are protecting ourselves. The marriage of Gomer and Hosea is filled with prostitution, illegitimate children, and maybe, even drugs but all this did not keep Hosea from loving his wife and accepting her back, or even raising children that were not his own. The unconditional part comes when even after all she has done, Hosea still accepts her back and doesn't hold over her head the mistakes she has made. He forgives her and starts anew each time she leaves him to return to her 'worldly' ways. It challenges me, in my marriage, to love like God loves.

As for the book, it's about a televangelist who marries and actress. Although many didn't approve of their marriage they are determined to make it work, and for a while it does. However, Marian, actress, wife, mother wishes to return to the acting business after a break while raising her sons. This proves to be more than this family bargained for. Marian allows herself to become a victim of the wrong side of the 'Hollywood lifestyle,' and completely destroys the family she and her husband, Warner, once created. Yet in the midst of it all Warner is determined to take on the challenge given to Hosea to love unconditional without the strings, even though like Job he is tested. He is impressed to love and protect his wife and help her even when she doesn't want his help.

Yes, by the end of the book I was in tears, and probably a couple times before that. To see the love this man has for his wife and the fact that it parallels the story of Hosea which is a direct reflection of the way Christ loves us leaves me speechless. Check out the book and the story of Hosea.

Another New Addition to My Blog: Book Reviews

2010-09-08T09:48:00.004-04:00

I LOVE to read and when I get a chance to read a good book I really appreciate it, and I like to share will others. So I'm going to start doing some book reviews on books I have read or am currently reading. Since I am back in school I will most likely lose some of my drive to read as much, but I am going to try and do better. The older I get the more I want to renew this since of passion I used to have for reading. I am completely taken away when I read. It's like taking a vacation. This love of reading had lead me to write some short stories, which I rarely share with the public, but might consider.

Book Review - The Conversation by Hill Harper

2010-09-08T09:46:00.002-04:00

I am not a big fan of self-help books or actors turned motivational speakers, but I have to say I am more impressed than I thought I would be. I'm impressed to know that Hill Harper is not just an actor, but he is an intelligent, educated man. I feel that judging a book by it's author is important sometimes. While the book itself is not about the author he does share some real-life experiences that make the book more personal, and it helps to know that he seems to know what he is talking about.

I like this book so far because it is a book filled with common sense that we chose to ignore at times. It brings to light the ignorant fears we have and makes us address them. I think that the book for me has done what it was intended to do and that start the conversation (which I've had plenty of since I started this book). I love the interaction that he includes in the book, it helps create a dynamic that gives a somewhat panoramic view of prevalent situations we sometimes face.

I wish he would have described more about the people who were talking, so I could feel like I knew them better. So I could judge whether or not they were justified in their beliefs. And I'd hoped for more dialog between men and women and not just separated conversations. I think it would have helped in continuing the conversation had he created a forum for that type of interaction. Also I wish it could be more diverse...sometimes the responses seem staged and too cliche.

To Whom it May Concern...(Follow-Up Blog)

2010-09-01T16:39:00.000-04:00

So this is just a brief follow-up to my blog yesterday. I felt compelled to write for my potential future daughter, because I want her to be better than me.

If you don't have your father's metabolism and end up on the other side of the spectrum I want you to know a couple things. First and foremost, while the world judges you for looks and size, God does not, neither will your father or I. We will love you for the person you become because you belong to us, and will be a part of us. It's never easy to explain the hurt and pain that comes with this issue, but understand that you can rise above this. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter what anyone tells you. It took me a while to figure that out. And while I did talk about your relatives and their constant drive to lose weight, they too will accept you (but you will get tired of the weight loss talk…lol). I promise to do the best I can to create an environment where you are able to flourish and reach your full potential no matter what obstacles may befall you. Feeling comfortable in your skin is important and something only you can do for yourself. But know I will your biggest cheerleader, standing behind you through it all.

Now the tough stuff:

I think childhood obesity is the problem of the parent, and I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens to you. I am totally devoted to making sure, in all things, you are taken care of. I will not take lightly the responsibility placed upon me. While I will take responsibility for your health as a child, it is up to you to continue that trend well on into your adulthood; once again lending my support in any way I can.

One day you will start to like boys (and they will start to like you), and you will stress about your looks continually. I used to think my weight hindered my dating, but it was my standards (I will make sure you have the same standards…I don't take kindly to females with no standards…blame your grandparents ;-) ). You weight/looks might be a problem for some. But there will be some, like your dad, that will see that past that, and love you for who you are. Those are the ones that are worth your time.

There will also be certain characteristics, like being blessed in your chest (if not you got those genes from your dad's side…haha) that you might not be able to get away from (check our your great aunts). I can't do anything about that *shrug*.

If you are reading this then I am sure you have read my previous blog (which means you've probably read even more, it's cool you probably already knew I was crazy…lol…once again grandparents fault). I came to a lot of realizations later in life after my thought process had be formed, and thus I had to deal with now reprogramming my thought process to be more in line with what 'actually is'. My blog yesterday was my acknowledgment of what 'actually is' and a small step to acceptance. It's not gonna be easy to do this nor has it been, but it's definitely not impossible. Never doubt who or what you are because of the whack standards others put on you. Be content with who you are and in the skin you’re in.

I love you because you are a part of me.

My love and hate Realtionship with my weight and all that other jazz

2010-08-31T12:18:00.002-04:00

The (My) Situation
My last year in college I started a 'lifestyle change.' I started working out twice a day, I rid my diet of anything made with white flour, reduced my portion size, stop eating cheese and fried foods, I counted calories…I was on a roll. I lost a decent amount of weight, I didn't go from fat to thin in a matter of months, but I did ok for the regime I put myself on. Soon after I graduated and life began to change, and I wasn't able to do all the stuff I was doing like the workouts, but I managed to get at least one workout in a day and still watch what I was eating…of course this created little to no change. Thus my frustration sets in and caused a setback, and thus the cycle I continuously get in. My love and hate relationship with my weight and all that other jazz.

From as far back as I can remember I have been 'trying' to loose weight. I had to be between 8 and 10 when I first went to weight watchers. I wasn't as big as some of the kids you see on TV just a little chubby; since my mom was going I went with her. Not sure how long that lasted, but at 13 I joined a gym; I knew how to work all the machines. Despite how I look I have been exercising all my life…maybe not hard enough. :/ Anywho at 17 I got a personal trainer, who kicked my butt thoroughly…the first day I thought I was going to die! In college I made a conscience effort to eat better and exercise more which resulted in losing 20 pounds. This prompted me to get a gym membership during summer vacation. The year after I left college, the first time ever I tried a dietary supplement. The caffeine was too much for my body, and had terrible adverse effects. This year I tried to balance myself with exercising and eating, and not go too overboard. I had some success losing 10 pounds. However, I had to have surgery on my toe, so I was out of commission for a while, and I lost my flare to do much of anything for a while, so once again I had a slight setback. The seesaw that comes with me working out and eating right tortures the very nature of my core, but it's what I do.

The (My) Environment
I grew up vegetarian, I started eating chicken (in public) when I got to college (stopped by my junior year and decided to only eat certain types of fish)…lol. I grew in a house where eating after 6 PM was frowned upon, so in college I had no late night binges except for occasionally 2 bean burritos at Taco Bell on Saturday night (cut a girl some slack). We did not have a ton of junk food in our house, I rarely; if ever buy chips, cookies, juice, for my house. I try to eat no later than 7:30, which I think is terribly late. I love fresh veggies and fruit. I also love mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, bread, pizza, French fries, bean burritos, cinnabons, pretzels, well you get the point. I, like most, have some good and bad habits and it's a daily struggle to keep them all in check.

Ever heard the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, well the apple holds even more characteristics of the tree than you think. The apple is the way it is because of the tree. So before I start off this section I will state this disclaimer…I love my mother to death and I am very much like her in a lot of ways, but I hope this tradition dies soon. (She also recently explained why she does this and it's because of my grandmother…vicious cycle) One of my friends once said 'your mom is always on a diet.' My mom lives on a diet, I don't ever think I've seen her not on a diet or about to get on one…smh…If you have ever met my mom, she is usually talking about some diet she is/was/going on. And true to form most of her sisters, and my cousins, are always on a diet or about to 'lose' weight. I have never been to a family gathering where the subject of weight and weight lost does not rear its ugly head. They are constantly exchanging diet and weight lost tips, showing how much they lost, and so on and so forth. However, most people in my family are not thin or even close to it. O_O …plain and simple, we as a family, struggle with weight.

Next, I'm married now (if you didn't already know hence the anniversary blog *shrug*), and I married into a family that is the totally opposite of mine. None of them seem to struggle or dwell on weight as much as my family does. Most of them are vegan which could be part, but most of them are naturally skinny. Lucky Duckies... *Gulp* I know I stick out like a sore thumb in this family…I know for a fact by the way I was treated during my wedding planning and such. *Sigh* I still struggling with that, but I am slowly trying to get over it (gonna take some time). As a matter of fact it is because of that I still feel uncomfortable around them (there I said it).

My friends are all shapes and sizes, but most are have some curves (even the skinny ones…lol). I have always felt the most comfortable around my friends, and discussing weight with some of them. However I know for a fact, a lot of them are struggling with the same issue, and in the same way I am. For some of them it has torn down their self-esteem and made it hard for them to love themselves. When I think of the hurt their weight causes, I am hurt and upset. I am angry it even had to come to this. I have seen a lot of them struggle silently and out loud with this issue. While I don't think it's fair it like most things is a learning process and has to do dealt with as so.

The (My) Hate
I hate people who can eat whatever they want, whenever they want and it'll very rarely catch up with them. (I married someone like that. I pray my children have his metabolism or are excellent runners.) I hate watching what I eat…sigh…I hate having to exercise to maintain my 'fatness'…I hate the fact I may never be skinny (whatever that is)…I hate the guilty feeling I get when I don't exercise especially after I eat a big meal…the guilty feeling I get for eating a big meal. I hate that I have always been surrounded by people (my family) who define themselves in how big or small they are. I hate that my weight makes others uncomfortable. I hate that for years I thought it was my weight keeping guys away (it was really my wit, attitude and intimidation techniques…haha). I hate that I will probably struggle with weight forever. I hate that I will forever be doomed to pay extreme attention exercise and what I eat. I hate that my beauty will never be good enough to some because of my size. I hate that I hate…

The (My) Anger and Resentment
People say it's about 'getting healthy', but not when we are focusing on our sizes. 'I don't want to be a size 14.' 'I can't believe I have to buy a 16 in this dress.' 'All I want to do it be a healthy size 8.' Since when was a 6, 8 or even 2, healthy? We are constantly defining ourselves by standards that have nothing to do with health. There are more things more important than dress size like…blood pressure? Are you at risk for hypertension or diabetes? I understand the pressure of making the cut, but at what expense? My sanity…I hope not I can not lose any more of that…lol. My anger comes from not telling people to "SHUT UP" giving me health tips, teas, soups, and any diet that helps me lose the weight. I don't need your tips, keep them to yourself. My anger and resentment is toward me for being so gullible and so naïve. For allowing others (people I know and love to the general media) define me and what I think is beautiful. My anger comes from the fact that for years I have lost weight for others. My resentment comes from the fact that most time when talking or thinking about weight it is because I am thinking about others perception of me and not my own. Yes, I am tired of the being the fat, heavy-set, big, obese, large, stout girl, lady, woman to myself, and seemingly, those around me, but perhaps this is who I will always be unless I change MY attitude. My anger and resentment falls on me for not thinking better of myself. Ultimately I am to blame for my anger and resentment because ultimately it was caused by me. Yet I still must ask when does the cycle end, when does one reach contentment? When I'm a size 6? 130 pounds? Possibly but I’ve never been close to either one of those, so really who knows?! Contentment can only be reach when I become more than just my weight, when it truly just the number on the scale and not the reason to fall short.

The (My) Solution (or something like it)
I'll probably struggle with this all my life, but my goal is to not to let it control me. Truth be told I more awesome than I think sometimes, size should not be a defining factor, and I have to always remember that. If healthy is the ultimate goal, I will do what I need to do to be healthy, and forsake all else. I want to lose weight and get healthy for myself and this is why I have to first defy the things that hold me back. I have to do things on my own and at my own pace. I can not look to others and their ides of me or their accomplishments. Too many times I compare my success to those around me. I am determined to control my destiny in this just like I do with anything else in my life. My first goal has been making this realization and achieve acceptance for myself, and hopefully, contentment will follow.

Happy Anniversary (Finally)

2010-08-26T15:38:00.001-04:00

I decided this year that cards will never do any justice to show how I really feel. They are great in a pinch, but nothing says it like the words from my heart. And to have yearly reminder that will live forever which I think is fabulous. It's like shouting my love from the mountain top and the echo continues forever.

So here it goes...

All the marriage advice I ever want to give is in What I learned after being married 1 year, 5 months, 10 days and counting...I am no therapist nor do I claim to be. Nor do I think I have a picture perfect marriage or am I the poster child for one. I do believe that I have found a good fit for me and what works for me.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment I feel in love, or explain what it feels like or tell you what you might be missing. Love is best described to me as 'to each his own'...What I can say is you can't always help who you fall in love with (although some people really try…), but you can definitely choose who you marry... four years later I'm still happy with the person I fell in love with and two years later I still happy with th person who I married... More importantly I am happy they were both one in the same. I won't romanticize or idolize my marriage...we have disagreements, flaws and faults. I know I will never be perfect and neither will he...and I am ok with that...for now ...kidding …but seriously that is what makes MY (I stress my because well this is my blog and it’s about me…lol) marriage work. Knowing the good, bad and ugly and still loving.

The biggest thing I realized once I got married is the amount of surrender that happens, most people (even I) resist, but eventually submit to for it is truly where the secret in marriage lies in my opinion. You never want to feel dependent on one person, mainly because we (society) have made it such a big deal to be in control and in charge. But the more I live, learn and love I realize that surrender (dependence) can be sweet…sweet surrender…a warm place where comfort abounds and love is free to grow and prosper. That sweet surrender is the safe feeling you have with your partner, it doesn't make your marriage perfect, but it helps you to know where you belong, and who has your back.

So to my best friend and life partner…I love you. I made a vow 2 years ago through sickness and health, better or worst, richer or poorer that I would love you. And I am trying daily to keep up my end of the bargain. I thank you for accepting me as I am even when it's dificult to do so…here's to another year of fun and friendship together.

Love,

Yours Truly xoxo

Family Secrets

2010-08-11T22:57:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting here wanting to blog, and I was going to write my anniversary blog tonight. However I was interrupted by a phone call from my aunt (the 3rd time tonight...5th time in a week), and I answered. Needless to say I will not be writing my anniversary blog tonight. But since I am at the computer and my aunt is giving me amo I will blog.

Most of my conversations with my aunt are incoherent and consist mainly of me listening and her talking (a lot of my conversations with a lot of my aunts are like that...lol). However, this aunt is much, much different than the others. I am beginning to think that something is wrong. Why do I think that? Welp the signs of distress are clearly there. I wish I could help, but still waters run deep. Still waters...the place where secrets are buried. Waters that I am just learning about and secrets that lie far beyond the surface. Every family has secrets kept hidden away. Secrets that bind them. Secrets that tear them apart. Secrets that do more harm than good. Secrets that destroy families.

If I had to guess I would imagine that God gave us families to give us a place that's familiar, a place where we feel love. He gave us people who we can count on, supposedly, through thick and thin. When did family become a place of disappointment, failure, and insecurity? When will that open honest atmosphere reappear? A place where we feel welcomed, a place where we can express ourselves? A place where love abounds? When does the healing start? When do we start to help? When do we finally take notice that the secrets that we have are what keep us apart?

I think this all happens when we start taking notice of the problems and address them. When we no longer turn a blind eye to what is going on. When we step up to the plate and realize you didn't choose your family nor did they choose you but this is what you have to work with. Life if complicated enough without the secrets...choose contentment and family over the secrets.

The Best of ...Anita Baker

2010-08-05T23:29:00.002-04:00

Today is an Anita Baker day, the opposite of a #yellow day. It's a day of reflection. Well it's actually a month of reflection. I'll share some through my journey.

But for today I want to write about Anita Baker, one of my favorite artist. If you know me then you know I LOVE Anita Baker, second only to Boyz II Men. I love her voice, her classic style and her songs. Each song speaks in volumes. From Lead Me into Love where she begs to be guided into a place of magic where lovers reside. To Ain't No Need To Worry, her powerful gospel ballad with the Winans that assures that there is no need to worry what tomorrows gonna bring, it'll be all over in the morning. And nothing says it like I Apologize. What relationship is not without conflict? In this song she explains the trials of those conflicts and the necessaity of an apology sometimes. You're My Everything says it all...plain and simple. And what's love without the Mystery?

One of my absolute favorites is Fairy Tales that speaks of the truths that most of us miss because of the fantasies that remember from fairy tales. Like We Used To Do with Babyface makes me want to sway, all though it reminisces of where love sometimes goes wrong. Nothing is classic as Angel....and You're the Best Thing Yet. And who can forget Just Because about accepting destiny and running with it, being loved just because you are you. And who can forget Body and Soul she pleads to be loved body and soul, that along with Same Ole Love "from beginning to end, 365 days of the year..." This one makes me want to close my eyes and rock "'I've always told you I'd give anything...Whatever it takes to make you happy, whatever it takes to make you smile, whatever it takes to make you feel good." Anita's You Bring Me Joy captures the feeling of new and true love. And what more could anyone ask for but that you give them the best that you've got, and Giving the You the Best That I Got says just that ('I bet everything on my wedding ring'). No One in the World can love like that special one and Anita does her best to let them know.

Words left unspoken can cause for far too many questions, which is why It's Been You leaves us knowing it all. Anita shows her strong side in No More Tears, sometimes your eyes dry out, and all you can do is move on. Love free of shame and boast-worthy, that's Sweet Love. It's not always easy, but sometimes you got to let it out. Anita encourages shelter from the storm of life and relaxing your pride long enough to get it off your chest in Talk to Me. Ever had love that keeps a smile on your face? Yep, nothing like it...that Good Love! And if that works soon you'll be Caught Up in the Rapture with nothing but sweet memories in the end, How Does It Feel?

In the end, I really appreciate the music Anita Baker creates. She possess a true unique gift in her voice. I can listen to her and truly reflect. Her music speaks of real life...love and lost, the good and the bad, the truths and the misconceptions. In a time and era when it's hard to find music I like. I rest in fact that at one time it did exist. Here's to you Anita! Happy listening!

2010-08-02T14:07:00.002-04:00

I'm here, haven't had much to say...I know a rarity, but I am enjoying the thoughts in my head in the meantime...so later!

Life is Not a Movie...

2010-07-21T23:52:00.004-04:00

So, I've been compared to Joan (Tracee Ellis-Ross) off of Girlfriends, Khadjiah (Queen Latifah) of Living Single, I don't mind cause they are the 'alpha-females' in their groups. They are the strong, successful, and wise ones that others depend on. I love Joan, she's quirky and she loves holidays (as do I), and Khadijah, so cool and determined. These women I can identify with. Don't get me wrong they had their issues. One being that they are dedicated and loyal to their friends, at times so much their issues go unnoticed by those around them. I can relate to that, but never viewed it as an issue until now, sort of...

Today, I was compared with Patricia 'Patty' (Janet Jackson) from Why Did I Get Married Too? This is the first time I had been compared from the negative side, so needless to say I was less than accepting of this comparison, but it was funny, and I did appreciate the depth of Janet's character. Perfect Patty was the rock of her friendship with her other three friends. She gave solid advice, was successful and most importantly she was there for her friends when they needed her. As most of you know, if you have seen it, she loses it in the end...completely blows her top...breaking stuff, smoking, drinking..she's off...really off and unstable (lol!). Now would be the time to ask, "are you on the verge of losing it?" Lol, I don't think so. However, I can totally understand why those around me would think that I resemble her. Although the one big question I must ask is, "were her friends really there for her?" Do you think she felt comfortable laying her issues on them after what she knew about them? Did she feel comfortable to share with them? Sometimes one person's friendship is more beneficial to the other. Seems to me in the movie her friends were more consumed with what was going on with them, most of the time, that they rarely tried to see if she needed help until it was too late. We all got issues and problems if you look closely, you usually can see them. There are people who keep their issues/problems under wraps, but slowly they start to burst at the seams. Things kept in the dark are never kept there for long.

I did some blogs earlier about how/why I don't share as much and about friendships but here is a brief recap: I talk to very few people because I feel very few people would understand or care to understand my problems/issues. I talk to my husband because as of August 10, 2008 he became my best friend, and I feel the need to rely on him a lot as my life partner. I blog more than talk because sometimes just getting stuff out in black and white makes things much clearer to me, it organizes the chaos in my head. I talk to myself because sometimes things should be kept close. I talk to God cause he's always got my back and I never have to worry about him judging me. The fact of the matter is the older you get the less you share because the more you feel you know or recognize you can handle things on your own. I don't want to become of one of those old cynical people, pessimistic about love, life and relationships, but I have to be careful with whom I share. I have to know the person has my best interest in mind, that they care, that they will not share the information I give and that they have a vested interest in me. I just want to feel 'safe' when I share and I rarely feel that, so I rarely share. But most of us have come to a point in life where we don't share as much, we don't need each other as much, and I think that's ok at least for now.

All this realization had made me that see that there is always room for improvement. I am not perfect and I actually appreciate the "callout." I Hope I never lose it like that, but if I do at least someone 'told me so.' :)

On the Real...and sigh

2010-07-19T11:06:00.002-04:00

This weekend was girls weekend complete with sushi (I loved it!), massages, and painting, it was such a breath of fresh air. I had so much fun. We also went wedding dress shopping…I think she found 'the one' but only time will tell. I am very blessed to have 2 friends in my life that I can travel with, and who understand me (cause they are so much like me…lol!!). This weekend I realized the bond I have with them can not be recreated in my relationships with others because ours is an unique one. They really encourage me to be better and try new things…it was like a prudish control-freaks united convention. (LOL)

I presented them with a situation this weekend, and they both gave me the same direct answer. Of course I was testing to see how they would answer, but when they did it made me realize that creeping compromise is dangerous. Honestly I knew the answer, and they were right, and it sent my head swirling. Also it made me step back and think if sometimes being too nice is a problem. To be completely honestly I've rarely had that problem except with my friendships. However recently I have been slipping and it's time to get back on track. I can not allow the things in this world to have me falter.

These are some of the things floating around in my mind and heavy on my heart after my question. They are in no way complete or in any order. They are different things that have made me think this weekend. Part of me wants to go into details, but I don't have the time or patience, so for now I just *sigh* about them.

I feel like not much can be accomplished unless you put your foot down. I am not one to talk, but I think that too many times we are not direct about how we feel and it leads us into temptation and gets us in trouble. If we don't show people what we stand for we will fall for anything. I had an incident that happened in April that made me understand the more you allow people to come in and say anything to you the more accepting you become of it. Causally dismissing it is not enough. You have to shutdown the advances of those who seek to 'harm' you intentional or unintentional. Your first line of defense is your willingness to be forthright and honest with yourself and others. My aunt mentioned a phrase and it has stuck with me, I'll blog about it again later…but it's creeping compromise. So many times for short lived pleasure we abandon our morals and values, and what you know is right. The thing is most times we know when we are guilty of it, and yet we choose to continuously ignore it and put ourselves at a disadvantage. We allow others to take advantage of us... *sigh*

Next, I am having an issue with taking people's word for it. So recently as I have blogged about I am apart of the social networking phenomenon in the form of twitter, and very rarely facebook…I also gatlk, IM and BBM. So, when communicating on twitter, gtalk, IM, BBM all you can go off it what people tell you. You can gather bits and pieces based off of others perception of them or even what they say in general, but still it's completely up to them the picture they convey. So with that being said I have to be careful of what I believe which is hard for me because I like to take people's word for it. I want to trust and believe people. Usually you are innocent with me until proven guilty. I truly believe 'word is bond' in the truest form. I struggle with this because sometimes I can't read people over the Internet like I can in real life and that disturbs me. I can't see fully if you are telling me the truth or pulling the wool over my eyes. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis because at the end of the day all I have is your word. *sigh*

Finally, I realize the female perspective on certain issues differs vastly from the male perspective. Yes, I know you already knew that, but I am opening it up like that anyway. :) Recently I've been bothered by the male/female interaction that I have encountered by my peers. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to police other actions or perhaps I am. I bothered partly because I don't believe we are not being honest enough with other which is a completely different story, but true. My main problem at this moment is that I know for a fact some women's insecurities stem directly from the way they are treated by their significant others. Most times these small acts or comments from a significant other can take a big toll. They are mostly not meant with malice or hurtful intentions, and are sometimes not noticed or talked about, but can be magnified during altercations and such. To help you understand more I'll give you a scenario...your significant other has a friend that he occasionally flirts with. Harmless, right? Probably so, but it bothers you, and sometimes it makes you insecure about yourself. So here's the thing, I think it is completely unnecessary, childish and immature to act like a fool in this situation. Better you sit down and discuss it with your significant other, and not the other party involved as your business should not be with them. However, many people do not realize what a small situation like this can do to the female perspective (pysche). This small incident can make her feel insecure, less sure of herself. Bigger incidents like this can lead a strong, secure, independent woman to became an insecure, bitter, and defensive little girl. I understand that sometimes like I said this is not done with malice intent, but it is and can be damage done. The small comments about other women's features, the pleasure you find in other women's company, the sly comments you make to or about other women in her presence. Though small and, at times, insignificant are making more of big deal than you think. I am not saying that a woman has no stake in it, it is her responsibility to make sure she is being upfront and direct with you so on and so forth. But I have seen the demise of many women because of the inability of her significant other to recognize the damage he's done knowingly and even unknowingly. *sigh*

The Unadulterated Truth

2010-07-14T16:44:00.000-04:00

Every time I pass a funeral home or cementary and I see an ongoing service my heart hurts. I imagine the hurt and sorrow that must be going on. What that person meant to those in attendance. How much they are loved and how much they will be missed. My heart goes out to the family and friends, sometimes I even say a prayer for their peace. I don't think much can sting as much as the death of someone you loved. Someone who has had a big impact in your life. Someone you looked up to or admired, someone who might have inspiried you. However, it is at this point that you understand their importance here on this earth. The petty differences, arguments, disagreements and such suddenly seem to dull. It is at that point you realize the small stuff doesn't matter as much as the big picture.

If you lived long enough you've been to a funeral. You heard the words showered over the restful body. Words of encouragement and comfort for the family, words of remembrance, funny stories, and fond memories about the dearly departed are shared. During a funeral you get a chance to hear about the person in a rare form. An unadultered form that seems to magnify their strong points and let their true characters shine. In a nutshell you hear all the good things people have to say about them. I have rarely heard anything, but saintly reviews at a funeral no matter who died.

So this has led me to wonder what people would say at my funeral about me. What funny stories would they share? What fond memories? How would I be remembered? What would impression would I leave? I know I am not perfect and not without sin, and I don't expect to be presented that way. But I can't help but wonder, would it be hard for someone to find something nice to say about me or something I did? Would the people listening find it hard to believe? They say you should live your life the way you want to be remembered. Most times I try to do that, but I know I can slip up. I almost sure that in the end it won't matter, but doesn't stop me from pondering such things.

While I wish that I could hear the things now, good or bad, I am inspiried to tell people what they mean to me more often. I don't want the 'sun to set' without those who I love knowing how much I did and how much they meant to me. I am more humbled and willing to see my flaws and not let them be a stumbling block for others. I could worry all day, but in the end if they have nothing to say, but "She did her best" I'm ok with that. Cause that is what I strive to do...I strive to my best better. My prayer daily is to help me be a better person. And knowing that others saw the struggle and the growth would make me proud.

This is not as random as you think, I attended my cousin's grandmother's funeral which lasted almost 4 1/2 hours (yep). While I was sitting there I began to think about some of the thoughts I shared with you earlier. But also I was drawn to the way in which the consistency of comments mimicked one another. Every one she came in contact with knew her favorite word "shabby" and knew she ended most converations with prayer. I want to be that consistent in all that I do and say, I never want anyone to wonder about where I stand on certain issues. I want to be clear and upfront, almost transparent. Ultimately I want to do my best and nothing less.

That's what Friends are For

2010-07-09T14:47:00.007-04:00

So a while ago I did a post on friends, telling my friends why I love them So You Call Yourself My Friend...Well skip forward to this year, and True Friendship: Branching Out only to be caught in the middle, More than a Friend..., and Friendliness = Friends.

I gave up on some of my friends because I felt like they couldn't provide all that I needed. I felt like if I couldn't confide in them my deepest darkest secrets then they weren't my friends. Well I realized something important last weekend as my 'friends' got to work helping my with my parents 30th anniversary party. Friends come in all forms, and some are there for special reasons…to tell you the truth even when it hurts or upsets you (Candace, Krystle), to be a listening ear (Naya), to travel with (Kell), to help in a pinch (Danielle), to give you the light and airy feeling you need (Deanna, Mellena, Jacquece, Jen), to sympahtize (Lianna, Erica), to make you laugh (Stacie), to experience something fresh and new (Kenyata, Lala, Ebony), my new best friend for life (Matt) and sometimes just for notaglia (Kristyn, Melanie). ***disclaimer some of you fit into multiple categories***

I know that most of the people listed I don't talk to on a daily or even sometimes on a monthly basis. And for some our season might have passed. But you were a blessing and a lesson while passing through. I still love all you and wish you nothing but the best. I appreciate the gift of friendship we cherish(ed).

So if you want to know I came to this conclusion because of the events of the past few weeks. All long stories with even longer theories attached to them, but in short I realized friendship is less about me and more about us. The collective journey we have together. It's impossible to have any type of relationship, solo. Accepting that I am not an island and that I have built bridges with those around me, and I should use them, is the first step in most growing in a relationship. Leaning on each other no matter what the case maybe. And the most important conclusion I came to is all paths (bridges) usually lead different directions, and that's not a bad thing. You have to go different ways to experience new things. As we grow and evolve so do our relationships, and that's ok. Contentment lies upon you, and not the path you choose. ;)

The Philosophical Difference Between Pens and Pencils

2010-06-29T12:03:00.000-04:00

I couldn't wait to write with pens when I was younger. I distinctly remember in 4th grade when pens was finally on the school shopping list. No idea why it was so important, but that was the year cursive started also so maybe that added to my excitement. Skip forward to today I love writing with pencils, No #2, lead. I hate mechanical pencils...I should not have to load the lead myself! I started to think what my fascination for pencils is, since not to long ago I only wanted to write with pens. There is one thing that makes pens and pencils unique it is the one fact is more permanent than the other. As you get older you began to realize, how much value is placed in the permanent. You are wiser after your mistakes, but sometimes if you could you wish you could take certain things back...sort of erase them, not everything, but some things. When I use pencils I erase what I don't need and it is no longer an issue. I start over with basically a clean slate. With pens I scribble out (or draw a line through), yes they have erasable pens, but those suck the images never seem to be completely gone after I finish erasing; however with pens whatever I write is still there. The scribble shows the error, but also the moment of correction, which at times is important. It is important to note that you made a mistake and that you are trying to move past it. So the pen versus the pencil makes me realize how things that seemed important once upon a time are really not...how sometimes I wish life was more erasable like a pencil, but I realize the depth of the pen's permanency. While life with pencils seems carefree and wonderful, I have to think of the benefits of the pen. Most legal documents can only be done with black or blue ink, permanent, but extremely important. I think now about how I wish I could go back to the day when writing with pencils, or pens, was my biggest issues. When life little mistakes were simple to erase. How decisions I make today are more permanent like the pen I longed to use. While this makes for an interesting contrast I find it so amazing that the little things make such a big difference.

My Twitterview Questions - SoCuteSoCoy

2010-06-24T10:56:00.004-04:00

So to be fair I answered the twitterview questions myself---

Introduce yourself (be creative...what do you want people to know): I am whatever I say I am…plain and simple

What is your favorite thing about yourself? I have a love, hate relationship with my ability to care.

Favorite song to dance to? Let’s see I like Boyz II Men’s Techno (but I hate techno in general, but it’s Boyz II Men, so I can make an exception) song…Bounce, Shake, Move, Swing, I also recently learned the dance to Get Me Bodied by Beyonce. But I’ll dance to anything generally.

Favorite song to cry to? Encourage Yourself – I listen to it when I need some encouragement…It reminds God is a present help. I find I rely less and less on people, which requires me to lean and rely on God. I keep everything in until I’m ready to pop...and this song is a release.

When are you the silliest? Um…always…I can always find something to laugh at…even if it is myself, but late at night, and usually around my close friends

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried or almost peed on yourself? An episode of Meet the Browns…I know Brown stands for everything I stand against, but I know people like him, and that show is hilarious.

What do you believe in the most? God’s grace and mercy, and his continuous love of sinners…that fact that you can never stray too far.

What makes you GREAT? Being willing to admit I have flaws and I am human….knowing I have not made it, and I’m far from making it…makes me GREAT…

What is your greatest accomplishment to date? Finishing my MBA while moving out my apartment, planning a wedding, maintaining a relationship, working full-time…. although I down play it…It was amazing and I only made by God’s grace and mercy.

What is one thing that makes you...YOU? My ability to be proactive…my need to help…my need to avoid mediocrity at all costs…by ability to try daily to become a better person…my need to repent daily….

What is your passion? What are you passionate about? I’ve only been trying to figure this out for a while now. I like to cook. I LOVE to write. I have several short stories, poems, and even started a play. I wrote my school song…and part of the senior class song. I also want to make a difference, it really breaks my heart to see people hurting, and not be able to do anything about it.

What is your biggest pet peeve? CLUTTER!!!! If you don’t need it, get rid of it. Smacking food or gum and popping gum (my mom hates that too), talking down to me, people refusing to be anything, but great because of their circumstances, Mediocrity…yes I have quite a few, I know…I'm in a support group

When is the last time you lost your cool? It takes a lot for me, but I would say the other day when someone had a misunderstanding with me and did everything in their power to avoid confronting the issue and me…I hate confrontation, but I like the facts to be straight. And in this case I didn’t feel like they were…and we’re suppose to be cool (that is what frustrated me the most). Stuff like doesn’t sit well with me especially when I try to reach out and clear up the misunderstanding…but bygones.

Describe your dream man. The most important thing is someone who gets me, someone who understands the complex simplicity I am. His goals parallel mine. He is financial stable, and is financially responsible. He is mature. He is able to correct me in love. He is intelligent and he is not threatened by my success (cause I succeed…even when I fail…ok I know too much…lol). He respects me, and what I stand for. He understands that neither he nor I are perfect. He is a provider. He is attentive. We share the same beliefs and values…I refuse to be unequally yoked. He is ambitious…as stated above mediocrity is not an option. He always strives to be better. He expresses himself well. He is neat and clean. He is hard-worker. He has faith. He gets along well with others. This is the main stuff…I’ll spare you the rest…plus I’ve already have my man. ;)

Twitterview - Slai23

2010-06-22T09:05:00.003-04:00

My second twitterview is someone I've known since college, but I am just getting to know on a different level. He convinced me not to leave twitter after my pride was crushed, so guess that counts for something...He's none other than Slai23.

Introduce yourself (be creative...what do you want people to know): Hi! I'm Steven, an internationally known but locally respected Graduate Student at Texas A&M. I greatly enjoy basketball and emerging technology. I also am a semi-retired sneaker freak.

What is your favorite thing about yourself? My ability to connect with a wide range of people. I'm comfortable in most any situation.

Favorite song to dance to? Hmm....I don't have a favorite. Maybe Thriller?

Favorite song to cry to? I can't recall ever crying to a song. Possibly "This
can't be life" off of Jay-z's Roc La Familia album. Put it on driving to my grandmother's wake with my cousins.

When are you at your silliest? At all times. Seriously but more silly when I'm around close friends and family.

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried or almost peed on yourself? Can't really recall. Probably that time I got into a MMS war with Clifton. We both nearly got each other fired for laughing at our cubicles.

What do you believe in the most? That most people, when given the chance to be great, regardless of their background, won't seize that opportunity.

What makes you GREAT? My ability to focus and force people to perform at their best. In life, I am also -like Mike- clutch.

What is your greatest accomplishment to date? Graduating Oakwood University, being a good son and family member/friend, and being part of a stable (going on 10 years!) happy relationship with my girlfriend. (3 way tie).

Me: So let's talk about your 'happy' relationship... :) Is she the 'one'?

Slai23: Definitely, I have a great relationship. We are on the same page and feel pretty strongly about the main points of uniting and starting a family.

Me: What do you love about her?

Slai23: Wow. Ummm....Her temperament, the way she treats people and her uncanny ability to keep me grounded. Her levelheadedness and lack of presumptive air even though she has every right to be a snob. The way she gets along with my friends and has seamlessly integrated into my family to the point that my family tells her stuff they don't tell me, lol.

Me: What is the best advice you can give relationship wise?

Slai23: I guess for me is that I am a living example that when you don't force it and approach a relationship patiently you can gain more than anyone ever could rushing their life or not waiting for God. Although my relationship has not gone to the next level it will all in good time. So I guess my advice in a nutshell is, don't rush.

Me: Do you think your girlfriend makes better person and vice versa? Is that important to you?

Slai23: Absolutely. We balance and stabilize each other. We have also influenced each other and expanded our horizons politically and culturally. Yes. It has become more important over the duration of the relationship due to me not knowing what I was missing pre-'Eb'. Lol

What is one thing that makes you..YOU? My varied taste and knowledge of things both random and useful. This in most cases flies against the stereotypes of my race and ethnicity. I greatly enjoy that.

What is your passion? Basketball, technology, and getting on with my life post school.

What is your biggest pet peeve? Proud displays of ignorance. Read a book! Don't boast that you don't know what I'm talking about!

When is the last time you lost your cool? My former pastor here in College Station made some disparaging remarks about youth within the Church. I heated up a bit.

Me: Any questions for me since you let me pick your brain?

Slai23: Why do you think you and 'Eb' have hit it off?

Me: Good one...Probably because we think very similarity, and she reminds me of some of my close friends. Very down to earth, easy to get along with, fun, smart, honest...we share many common interest reading, talking about you guys (oops...lol), cooking, and so on and so forth.

Slai23: Yeah. Because you 2 seemed to just blow up since last year or so...'Eb' needs good friends because she has opened up and been friends with people who have not been as good a friend in return as she has been to them.

Me: Yeah me too, I say that to Matt all the time

Slai23: I'm really happy you all talk. Takes the pressure off of me to be her buddy. LOL that sounds bad but its true.

Me: Lol thanks...sounds like something my significant other would say...smh

SLai23: Lol...And what has ebony told you about me??

Me: Told me about you?! Oh nothing...not much that I didn't already know

Slai23: Ha! Tell the truth. And what did you know?! From just hanging out with you . And....what did 'Eb' tell you?

Me: Well... You all seem happy, I know you have your up and downs like most couples. I see some of the traits that draw me to Matthew and those that make me shake my head and so I understand 'Eb's strife at times

Slai23: Huh?! What makes you shake your head?!

Me: Well... You both are very focused when it comes to most things expect your significant other at times *shh you didn't hear that from me* (it's part of thing we love and hate) Y'all are both strong headed ...You do mostly what you want to do .

Slai23: Except our significant others?! We focus on y'all too..

Me: Uh when it convenient, but we are usually not the priority . It's how you all operate . It's more like a faulty wire thing

Slai23: Biased! I am sure you all are our focus.

Me: At times perhaps... Consider your day... Other than work, what's the next most important part of your day . Does 'Eb' make it on the list daily? Is there always a spot for her?

Slai23: Yes...I do my best to make contact every day.

Me: Not contact ...Special time, quality time ...So that she knows, she was not a passing thought ...Very few men do that ... Sorry :(

Slai23: Hmmm ...Quality time eh? I always argue with 'Eb' that when I'm with her its quality time. She doesn't buy into that .

Me: I don't buy it either . You sound just like Matt , lol!

Slai23: There is nothing wrong with this point of view! We show our affection by being visible and present.

Me: LOL! Really visible and present?! There are lots of things visible and present . We need more effort . Ask Eb...she'll explain it . And listen to her . We need more than visibility and presence ...We can get a dog for that...*no offense*

Slai23: Grrr...

Me: Ok I think I'm done now go hug and kiss 'Eb'

Slai23: Lol ok

Twitterview - BeauTfllyBrwn

2010-06-21T10:46:00.003-04:00

So here it is my first twitterview from one of my favorite followers, BeauTfllyBrwn. I've learned to appreciate her over the past year almost, and hopefully, you can too. Enjoy!

Introduce yourself (be creative...what do you want people to know): Hi! I'm Danielle, I prefer to be called Nikki which is short for Nicole (my middle name) but for some reason Dani sticks *UGH*. I'm 27 years old, no children yet but I would love to be a mother. *this sounds like a eHarmony ad* lol. I'm goofy but blunt. I'm a fun-loving chunky girl lol. I a black girl who loves rock and plays classical music on the piano. I'm a spades master, football loving, adventurous and restless woman! Very nocturnal as most know and I hate liars... It all boils down to I'm imperfectly human!

What is your favorite thing about yourself? That I always try to remain truthful, honest and unbiased

Favorite song to dance to? Beenie Man 'MMM MMM'

Favorite song to cry to? Right now? “Unthinkable”, all-time? “Dangerously in Love”

Me: So what's the back ground behind "Unthinkable" and Dangerously in Love?
BeauTfllyBrwn: The background for those two have are the men I loved on my life. Dangerously in love was my ex 'J'. It was crazy . I still love him til this day and always wonder about him. Unfortunately we did not stay friends . He's embodies my dream attributes the most. That's why in still attracted and love him. Yes he's tall dark Caesar cut, healthy physique, thick eyebrows...I don't know what it is with me and Thick eyebrows lol...big everything else... hands, feet etc ...powerful and confident. We communicated no matter what ...he just wasn't trusting, and was a Jerk. His power turned into arrogance. He's goal orientated and strived for success. He challenged me in all aspects of life... Okay now I realize I loved him more than I thought. Other people also ruined our relationship.

Me: Oh wow, sounds like a reunion might be in order ...sounds like a good guy on paper, but #nobueno

BeauTfllyBrwn: Oh...'J' is married now. Now “Unthinkable” was me falling in love with my best friend of 10+ years . Now the best friend is 'R'. We stepped on a lot of toes crossing that line ...It took me to move to Nashville to realize I love him. At his graduation he tried to change us then but I told him no he had a girlfriend. I didn't want to admit it then, lol. When I got home a month later I drunk dialed and told him I had feelings for him too . I moved to Chicago for school, but he and I were dating other people. He got his girl pregnant. I moved back here after that year and he chose her . I was too much of a free spirit he said . He came to visit and told me he never loved me he was confuse .

Me: Wow...

BeauTfllyBrwn:Yea I've had few loves but they were big... it takes me a long time to fall in love and when I do it's big

Me: I think that's the way it should be

BeauTfllyBrwn: It is. I never really regret it. I appreciate each lesson they've taught me. I just hate starting over . So love songs are how I cry.

Me: Oh yeah I enjoy the lessons after the pain subsides
BeauTfllyBrwn: I never really cry in front of them. Or much at all...Alan is the only man that has seen me cry . We go out and have fun but I refuse to go directly back to where we were . I'm still at the I'll sit down when you propose.

Me: Sounds like a plan.

When are you the silliest? Always but definitely when I'm sleepy

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried or almost peed on yourself? Today! The comments on the Lakers/Celtic game was HILARIOUS

What do you believe in the most? God is an obvious answer, but I believe in living and enjoying life to the fullest. Also that complacency is NOT an option

What makes you GREAT? My family, especially my Mom and Dad. They've molded me into a great individual. I always strive to be loving, caring, understanding, honest, and forthcoming. I want to be the best friend, mom, daughter, wife, sister etc. So I'm always striving to improve or top myself; that makes me great!

What is your greatest accomplishment to date? Finally deciding on my career path and returning to school, I overcame my biggest obstacle which is myself. I've thrown excuses out the window and decided that I WILL succeed in anything I choose to. I believed in myself.

What is one thing that makes you..YOU? I love being different and don't apologize for it. I don't follow the masses. I think outside the box and I understand I am not the world. My compassion for everybody and everything in it allows me to do so. I love life. Lord this list can really go on and on and on and on lol.

What is your passion? What are you passionate about? I'm passionate about Music, Hair, Art and Architecture. Now if I could get ALL of that in one occupation that would be Nirvana lol.

What is your biggest pet peeve? People spending MY time for me. DON'T make plans for me, DON'T make any commitments for me and DON'T change plans without informing me. OMG it drives me BATTY!

When is the last time you lost your cool? Lol, Wednesday evening... My Mom MADE PLANS FOR ME to help my cousin relocate her storage. I've seen 3 u-haul trucks and made countless trips in a pick-up truck in the last 3 weeks. I'm tired of moving furniture and boxes, BUT it's family so I suck it up and do it. Now mind you It's 95 degrees outside @ 6pm. I'm cute and dressed up from my interview with Paul Mitchell The School. My Mom kidnaps me to do this... 5 hours later I'm drenched in sweat my hair is fro'd up (I only got a few hours out of my straightening session early that morning), I'm operating off 3 hours of sleep, and no food. My cousin and Mom sits there and debates about how to put the drawers to the dresser in the back of the truck, to deliver to my other cousin who is very ungrateful and NOT helping so I flipped. Lol.

What is your dream man? - Ummm my "dream" man would physically consist of beautiful dark brown smooth skin with gorgeous white teeth, full lips, tall, dreads or Caesar, healthy physique (not too small and not too big), nicely formed back, and that line that follows the pelvic separation *ahem* *fans self*, oh and BIG everything else lol ;) Now more importantly I want an intelligent man, a man that can teach me something. One I can debate and discuss politics, sports, literature, anything with. A man that makes me want to constantly improve myself so we can grow together. A communicator because I cannot read minds and I don't like having to solely rely on my ability to read body language. Mmm and a powerful man. I'm a very aggressive woman so I like a man to 'put' me in my place lol. Of course honesty but more importantly trusting, I do not need the scars from previous women; I check my bags at the door he needs to check his too. Confidence... there is nothing sexier. Goal-oriented, God-fearing and family-oriented.

Me: Um I love your dream man description ....hilarious, but very detailed

BeauTfllyBrwn: Lol...I didn't want to go crazy with it just the important stuff

Me: Lol, the important stuff like the line that follows the pelvic separation?

BeauTfllyBrwn: Lol that's so sexy. I've recently 'enjoyed' my ex 'Reg' he was so fit when we were younger and he had that line . He put on weight on and it looks so good on him and he still has that line . He's so different than my average . He's mixed. Very light dark blond curls but so hood . He's 'Blackstone' ...hazel eyes ...I used to braid his hair...my block boy. Smh. Puppy love. Our affair was off and on since I was 16, but he wasn't ready he was in the streets . I went to TSU, and he had 3 kids . He finally got his GED and he's pursuing a associates now. He is why I consider the child's age before dating . No more drama since.

Me: We should have had this chat at lounge with snacks and cocktails . Ok before I get off task....what is the best advice you can give?

BeauTfllyBrwn: Take each experience, each relationship that doesn't work out as a lesson learn; if you cannot do that don't enter another until you do. Baggage ruins relationships and hinders key factors that makes a relationship last; i.e. communication, honesty, and trust . Don't loose yourself in a relationship. It's okay to have activities outside of him and understand he needs that time also to enjoy his. STOP NAGGING! If I have to nag we're not effectively communicating.

Me: Well I had fun....got to know a bit more . :)

No Disrespect

2010-06-14T22:22:00.003-04:00

I recently finished Sister Souljah's No Disrespect. It is an interesting book, full of knowledge that makes you think on a spiritual, emotional and political level. I admire her for acknowledging her (mis) education about life. You can tell she's smart, but like most of us she is still human. She is still a woman who longs to be loved, appreciated, and accepted. She wrote about 7 influential people in her life, 3 women (including her mother), and 4 men. These people shaped her destiny and caused her to make and break some of her beliefs. While reading the book I began thinking who would I choose if I wrote a book like this. Who are the people that have made the biggest impact in my life...and why? Did they educate or miseducate me?

These people all have some amazing stories behind them and maybe one day I might share, but for now I'll reminisce rather vaguely about lessons learned. :)

Joy - When I was young I would have given anything to be smaller, lighter, cuter...so imagine my envy when I met someone who was all those things. She was my neighbor and classmate. I imagined if I looked like her my life would rid itself of it's problems in the near and even distant future. I imagined how much more I would be liked and how much better I would be treated. In middle school on the way to high school this was more important than one might think. But I remember thinking how perfect she was, and if only I could be that perfect. Being a plump little kid (pre-teen or teen) never had any advantages. I was either getting picked on or picked over. However, it was getting to know her that I soon realized looks don't hide the pain nor do they mask what is really inside. She was a tortured soul much like me. Longing for some of the very things I took for granted. During her reason in my life I realized things are rarely what they seem and sometimes beauty is only be in the eye of the beholder.

Tasha - I thank her now because she taught me more than she'll ever know even though I spent most of the beginning our 'relationship' hating her. My disdain for Tasha lasted for a couple months, but eventually faded once I saw past what others missed. My anger towards her stemmed from a guy that we both liked. In the end she won, couldn't say I blamed him since folks likened her to a Halle Berry look-a-like. And I myself couldn't deny her beauty. However, what most people missed with the pain and anguish she had. I hated her over a guy, when I should have treated her more like a friend. She was known around school and our small community as just another pretty face, destined to fall short because of her circumstances. However, what most people missed was her determination, her drive, her will to defy the odds and prove the nay-sayers wrong, and after I looked past my disdain I was able to see; she was more than a pretty face, more than her circumstances, that beneath it all she wanted more, and rather than hate her I needed to support and love her. I needed to uplift her, she had enough people to discourage her and put her down. Sometimes your enemies aren't really the enemies you thought they were.

Chris - The day I met Chris and his dimples is the day I realized sometimes looks do matter. I knew from the moment that I saw Chris, he was out of my league, but it was meeting Chris that helped me defy my own interpretations of what that league truly was. The more I hung around him the more I felt connected to him. His genuine need to be my friend, his general concern for me...his need for me. No Chris was not a saint, not by any means, but he was a huge restorer of my faith in friendships. His general concern and care helped me make it through a difficult time. Chris came at a time when I needed him the most. Leaving him to go to college was harder than I thought it would be. I'm sure Chris never knew what he did for me when he walked into my life, but he really changed it and me for the better. He helped me see that my own perception was messed up, and I had made it that way. Chris' friendship made me look beyond my stereotypes, and find what was really in front of me.

Warfield - Ever have fantasy so vivid in your mind, it was hard to tell yourself it wasn't real? That was my vision of grandeur I had with Warfield. It was a pure and innocent feeling of a new beginning. He was a couple years my senior, an eloquent speaker, and a truly dynamic person. Every time I got the chance to be around him, I was enamored. He was all that I thought I wanted. The problem with most fantasies is sooner or later they soon must collide with reality. This collision quickly creates a paradox of whether or not you continue with the fantasy or give way to reality and its harshness. When my fantasy of Warfield met with the reality of Warfield, it took a only a short while to pick up my shattered rose-colored glasses, and realize that in the end we are all human prone to human tendencies. The defining moment came when my outlook on human emotional interaction was bleak. It made the end bittersweet, but the life lesson that much more ingrained.

Matthew - There's a moment in time, that most people wait for with every relationship, when things must come full circle. When you completely and fully realize the reason and season for that person's existence in your life. When the boomerang effect causes what seemed so far out of your reach to come back and almost fall in your lap. I believe Matt was an answer to prayer in my early-teens, but I would not know exactly how much until early-twenties. Life has a funny way of making the word never disappear from your vocabulary with the tricks it can play on you. Many say chivalry and love is dead, but for me it was resurrected through Matt. He was the gentleman I wanted my future husband to be. He was the man that many believed was rare and almost extinct. He was the complete package for me. I had learned enough through the years to know that good things come to those that wait and some opportunities only come once in a lifetime. Though we had a bumpy road it only taught me to hold on and love him more. He was my first in the complete sense of the word, and I was his. The lessons we have taught each other will only continue to help us increase our love.

Reaching contentment comes only when you acknowledge lessons learned, and the people who assisted in providing those lessons.

Rose-Colored Glasses Theory

2010-06-13T12:43:00.004-04:00

I still believe there are good people. I still believe there are good guys. I still believe there are good parents. I still believe some people can be helped. I still believe some people want to change. I still believe there are people who want to be saved. I am still an advocate for celibacy and abstinence, I still believe some people want to save themselves.

And I believe because I believe these things, they are possible.

The Appeal

2010-06-11T22:22:00.002-04:00

When I die what will they say about me will the work that I've done be enough to help someone when I die WILL I draw men's hearts to you at the setting of the sun wanna hear you say well done when I die

Twitterviews

2010-06-11T10:25:00.001-04:00

So I am getting to know some of my twitter followers on a more personal level, so I’ve started Twitterviews. It’s a personal peek into one of my twitter followers innermost thoughts. I ask all of them the same questions but elaborate where needed. I hope you enjoy getting to know my followers as much as I have.

Being a Better Me

2010-06-10T10:24:00.001-04:00

The truth hurts, but sometimes I need to hear it. Contentment in constructive criticism.

Justification of Hypocrisy

2010-06-10T10:18:00.003-04:00

Normally when I have a problem I blog about it (which I just should have done in retrospect). Perhaps I was reading too much into stuff that very well might be the case, but it was never my intention to offend anyone. However, if I did I am sorry for that.

So next I'll start out by saying this I care too much sometimes, more than others would like me to at times. And if you know me and have known me, you would know it's not just a passing thing. It's who I am…I care a lot about people. I feel the need most times to give second chances and give the benefit of the doubt even though once my tolerance is gone it's hard to get it back (something I still struggle with…). But I feel like it is my duty as a Christian and as a generally concerned human being to be like that. I understand not everyone shares my position on this and that is fine I can accept that, but why must you criticize me for it? I know that I am not perfect and not within sin, and my intention is never to act like that. However, I guess when I get like this I can step on some toes (and seem pretentious), but I am holding myself to the same standards.

Basically my biggest plight at the moment is I am frustrated with being a hypocrite. Yes, a hypocrite…everyone is in some way or has been or is somewhat of a hypocrite. I see it and do it all the time. We will call someone out on the very thing that at times binds us. So it seems being a hypocrite is a part of human nature, but what I have a big problem with is justification of hypocrisy. Trying to make things ok by brushing if off or saying it was just a joke and thinking that it's not a big deal just because you said it was. That is where my issues lie. And the fact of the matter is I have done it. I am GUILITY too…I am not claiming innocence at all. But recently I have realized it's not right and I need to make a change.

The face of the matter is we all have issues…and we all fall short. I should removed the plank from my eye before I try to remove the speck from yours.

Resisting the Pressure: Free to Be ME

2010-06-06T21:40:00.005-04:00

If you think peer pressure ended when high school finished think again. Peer pressure is once again, a necessary evil and a continuous part of life. I have seen some people do some stupid things in adulthood due to peer pressure, what I can not seem to understand is why...What makes you think that someone knows better than you, that somehow their reality is better than your? All I can say is to each his own. I even see it virtually...people fighting for attention from people they barely know, and some they've never even met. I recently took a break from social networking partly because of that, I felt the need to conform and that is not what I want to ever do. I never want to feel like I have to be something other than what I am to get people to pay attention to me or to like me. Call it what you want but it is crazy either way.

So considering what I mentioned above, this caused me to realize today I have a problem with people who go with the crowd just because. Those who choose not to march to their own beat. Those are more concerned about what others think than doing what might be unpopular. Doing something just to get attention. For instance, people who seemingly have certain beliefs and morals one minute and the next minute do something that is completely contradicting to those beliefs and morals. Why is that? It baffles me, and makes me weary about whether or not you are being completely honest and foreright about yourself to yourself. I believe many people do it because of the peer pressure because it makes them more popular or gets them the attention they want be it good or bad.

On the flip side there are times that you have to change and adjust to fit your audience, but it should not be done at the expensive of what you believe or you are. But alas this is about and what I want to be. I want to be consistent in all that I do, I want what I believe and who I am to always be parallel. I never want people to question my actions or motives constantly because they seemingly contradict with what I am saying. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say...I want to let my actions and my words coexist in beautiful harmony. Because in the end this is the contentment I search for...and I'm more comfortable in my skin knowing that I am whoever I say I am.

On the Real

2010-06-04T12:02:00.003-04:00

It's June 2010 already!! Where in the heck has the time gone?! Who knows...I just felt like free-styling so I'm doing it. I feel so much better than I did earlier in the year. At times the growing pains of life got to me, but I am happy to say that I am back and better than ever. I am a better person cause I choose to be a better person. I have decided to stick to my guns and make the most of what I have. My first task...learning to accept myself and what makes me...me.

Reaching internal contentment...:)

Dating (with Purpose)

2010-06-04T11:53:00.003-04:00

So dating is a necessary evil for most, but it doesn't have to be a complete waste of time. And at times it can be completely worth it. At first I thought I didn't have much authority to write about this, but then I realized I have more than I think. So here is apart of my opinion in a nutshell. Any further questions can be asked directly at any point in time. :)

Jailyn's Dating Commandments

I. Don't date outside your league.
II. Don't put yourself on a timeline.
III. Do be upfront about your intentions.
IV. Do remember all relationships require some sort of compromise.
V. Do remember no one is without flaws.
VI. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there.
VII. Do understand that no relationship is perfect.
VIII. Don't be afraid to make you own rules.
IX. Do take your time, true happiness can not be rushed.
X. Don’t ever settle…you only cheat yourself.

Are you more afraid of being alone or being with the wrong person...that is the question to answer.

If your answer is being with the wrong person, as it should be, you should date like so. This means not settling, not putting yourself on a timeline, and not dating for the heck of it, etc. Date with purpose…always date with the end result in mind. If your end result is marriage then only date those who are worthy of your time in that respect. Dating frivolously, aka causal dating, will cause some confusion and may make you believe that the wrong person is the right one...dating without purpose causes you to waste time and loose focus. Why date someone who does not share the same end goal as you? This is a pointless feat which usually only ends in emotional tragedy...I am not saying not to go on dates, I'm saying evaluate the potential dater with a personal scale of dating tolerance. See if they pass the test early, so you don't fail the final later.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with causal dating, to each his own, just don't expect much from causal dating. If you are causally dating then understand that the very nature of causal dating does not leave much room for finding 'the one.'It’s causal for that purpose, no strings attached and all that jazz. And if that is all you are looking for drink up and enjoy...it's your life you can have your cake and eat it too.

The first thing to do to avoid frivolous dating make you intentions known upfront once dating picks up. It's never too soon to see where a relationship is headed, it's ok to ask and discuss and very necessary. Next, listen to what the other person's intentions are...if they're intentions don't parallel yours don't waste you time or theirs. In the end it is what it is and it will be what it will be. Next, don't fall victim to substitute dating, thinking you can change someone. A substitute is never as good as the real thing.

Understand that most times you are the problem...since most times you are the common denominator. This is NOT a bad thing. This happens when you date out you league or when you try to settle. This happens sometimes when your answer to the question above is fear of being alone rather than fear of being with the wrong person. If you date someone outside of your rim of expectations expect to be disappointed. Always heed the red flags and test the string. The red flags are things that say (SCREAM) 'this is not right' and the strings are tied to a person's feelings, beliefs, issues, situations, etc. see how long those strings are and what they are attached too before you sign up for something you never intended to.

Dating like you afraid to be with the wrong person is tough. It requires you to forsake some of the feelings that trap you in your fear of being alone. Staying focus of the task at hand and remembering that a little 'aloneness' now can save you some heartache later. I understand that anomalies are to be expected...but carefully consider potential dates and require out of them what you want.

Know that patience, in dating, is a viture only attained by a few, and to them is given the greatest reward...CONTENTMENT

Words to live by...

2010-05-13T11:24:00.002-04:00

The best way to get over a situation is to get over yourself. - Me

Music in my head...

2010-05-11T22:03:00.002-04:00

I am the only one

I would right every wrong...I would change every line....I am the only one

When it hurt so bad...why does feel so good? What you want might make you cry...What you need may pass you by...if you don't catch it. "What sounds nice might not always be right for you..."

I know my creator didn't make any mistakes on me...I'm not the average girl from your video and I'm not built like a supermodel. My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes. A lady ain't what she wears but what she knows. Go on love yourself.

I can remember stories...fairy tales before I went to bed...my mind was filled with visions of perfect paradise...the story ends as stories do...reality steps into view. No longer living life in paradise or fairy tales. You never came to save...alone in the cold. No fairy tales. I found no magic potion, no horse with wings to fly...no royal kiss could save me, no magic spell to spin, my fantasy is over my life must now begin....REALITY steps into view...No fairy tales

As I stand here contemplating on the right thing to decided will I take the wrong direction. All my life, where will I go? What lies ahead of me?

Where would I be if I didn't know you?

You make my heart scream and holler...love's a gamble and I'm so glad I am winning! Never too much!

You've search high and you looked low....you've trailing to and fro...makes no difference where you go...this one thing you should know....that you'll never find nobody like the Lord. You have friends that say they'll stick with you through thick and thin, but when it's thick or thin those friends get hard to find. If you are wise then you will follow this advice and take Jesus as friend for the rest of your life. There's no relationship so fulfilling, no other friend so willing, no other one who really cares.

One shot to the heart without breaking your skin...no one has the power to hurt you like your kin...One shot to the heart without breaking your skin...no one has the power to hurt you like your friends...you'll never be happy until you see the beauty in growing old.

You made my soul a burning fire...thinking baby, about you baby, thinking baby, about you baby, give it to me baby...all I do is think about you

Realized that I just don't love you, not like I used to...used to love...used to love you...

I didn't know that I had that much strength...you can't just play with people feelings...but I think I deserve to smile.

When it ends...it ends in tears...pretty little darling have heart...don't let one mistake keep us apart...I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home.