Accepting God's promise

I'm back, finally! After a long hiatus during which I have been nurturing myself the little life inside me. That's right, after five years and countless "when are you having a baby" questions. It's time! This wonderful little bundle of joy as a result of prayer is due March 19, 2014.

Some days I'm over the moon about the prospect of having a baby. But mostly I SCARED to death about it. Not about the birthing process or raising this little bundle. The control freak inside is constantly worried about what is going on inside me right now. The development of a baby is astounding and I have been reading and absorbing everything I can get my hands on, sometimes to my own demise. And all I can say, what an AMAZING journey this has been and will continue to be.

To completely understand let me tell you a story…

After confirming via HPT I decided to go to the doctor. Went to the doctor on Monday everything was fine, she wanted to run some blood tests on Friday, no big deal. So it had started, I was excited, nervous, but excited. In my mind I had decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks which is usually when the initial scare of complications dwindle. So now it was just our secret. But by Wednesday I was having some issues, so off the doctor's I go in EXTREME panic. A couple things to note, I work in NJ and live in NY, my doctor is also in NY, so my 50 min commute only added to my panic. Everything that could go wrong went through my head. Also my doctor was not in the office, so I had to see her partner. After the exam the doctor tells me there's a possibility this might be an ectopic pregnancy (basically a MC), and I'll have to come in on Monday to be sure. I calmly accept this news, and go home. Once in the comfort of my home, I begin to cry profusely at the idea of this happening. I spend the next three days trying to grasp the reality of what is potentially about to happen.

I spend Sabbath home, crying, panicking, and repeating. I hoped for an online church experience that would lift my spirits. As the day progressed, so did my anxiety; until it hit me, why should I have to wait for someone else to help me approach the throne of grace? And so I started praying, every hour on the hour. Praying for the health of my child, certain ailments that still had not left my body, for our future as a family, I took my concerns and laid them at the alter. Monday arrived and before I could even get out the door, the tears started to flow. Trusting in God to make the right decision for your live is the only way to live, but it is also the HARDEST way to live. A quick prayer and we were off to learn our fate.

Side note: I must give a shout out to my Husband. If there is one defining moment throughout this experience I remember the most it's his very real advice. While he scoffed at my plan not to tell anyone until 12 weeks (cause he said I wouldn't be able to hold it in that long). And with everything going on I was even more pressed to not tell anyone what was going on. He explained that I needed support either way and that not telling anyone (if the worst happened) would not make not have happened. So simple yet so profound...Hiding would only makes things worst....wise man, that's part of why I married him and might keep him around. ;)

My heart was jumping out of my chest when I walked in the doctor's office. It was a whirlwind of events. She confirmed that there was indeed something there, and even noted its tiny little flicker of a heartbeat. If you never been astounded by God's grace and mercy...I’m here to testify. God had worked a miracle on our behalf, and I couldn't even find the words to thank Him. What makes this even more amazing is that I had read forums that say you could see a heartbeat at six weeks, but for most people it was rare. I prayed that God would do that for me as a promise. And He did it. Simply ASTOUNDED, and humbled by God goodness to me.

That should have been enough for me to shout it from the mountain top. God said it, and so it going to happen. But I still approached the situation very cautiously. Telling only our parents, and two close friends, and swearing them to secrecy until 12 weeks. "Oh ye of little faith..." I know in an earlier post I talked about giving God more than a mustard seed, but the sad truth is sometimes that's all I have to give. The truth is I fall short spiritually and I know I have to get better to receive what God truly has in store for me. So for weeks I was extremely cautious and still quite paranoid. Reminding myself constantly that God's got this and it's in His hands. Yet here I am relying on ultrasounds, sonograms, and heartbeat monitors to give me peace about the baby. When God has already confirmed and stamped it with His promise!

Fast forward to today, 18 weeks, and I'm still paranoid *hangs head*. I get panicked when I feel a twinge, I get paranoid when I feel great, and it literally NEVER ends. :-\ God is watching out for this baby, obviously. It's me with the problem, I can admit that. But today I am vowing to do better. This faith journey I am on, I'm not alone. I have some amazing people who are praying for me. And God has been there every step of the way. My goal is to really let Him be the captain of this vessel, and with the extra precious cargo I'm carrying I wouldn't mind that one bit.

My Faith Journey

The ultimate faith journey has started, not sure if I'm ready, but this was what prayed for. God is good, even when I doubt His goodness. He hasn't failed me yet.

On the Real

I've been wanting to blog for a while now, even had titles and everything. And now that I have the time, I am drawing a blank. So I guess I do what I always do when I am in this predicament...ramble. First, let me say I did honestly I expect to reveal something really big (see previous post), but it's not the time. And at this rate I don't know when it will be a good time, but when it is, you’ll be almost first to know.

In my post last year on April 16 "The Update" I noted how I was looking for some sort of familiarity that makes being here (New York) more comfortable. And in my July 12th post I weighed in about the good and bad of  moving to New York. Well this weekend that all seem to be brought into perspective after a cabin trip on the lake with some ladies from my church. Initially I declined going because of an impending trip of my aunt's to NYC. After agonizing (I'm sure to Matt's discontent) over it I decided to go. I was anxious about going because I didn't want to be a bad niece, I didn't want to leave Matt alone to host, and quite frankly, I didn't know who was going on the camping trip, so it could have been a disaster. My aunt decided not to come at the last minute (yes I was still agonizing over this even after she told me it was ok if I went), and I truly enjoyed the company.

We had fun eating, cooking, hiking, swimming, shopping and talking. I miss having friends to get together with and do nothing, but have fun being together. I told them that I don't like making new friends (which is a common theme throughout this blog starting after I graduated college). I hate the pomp and circumstance of it all, I hate the feeling of trying to get them up-to-date with my life and personality, I hate the awkward in-between phases, it's like dating without the 3 F's free dinner, flowers, and flirting. But I have to say I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with this ladies, it was easy. Didn’t feel forced, there was a calmness about the experience. There's a little piece of me that says eventually it'll get harder, but I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And for the record hard is not always bad if the person is worth it, hence my approaching five year anniversary (Hey boo!).

There was also some God and Jailyn time (these are usually lessons I need to get). Something told me to get gas before I left, but in my haste and overenthusiasm to get there I didn't stop, plus I took a bunch of little back roads with no gas stations. So by the time I got there I was near E, but I got to the cabin and no one was there and I had no signal. So I drove to the nearest town to get gas, they only had regular (Audi's need Super or Premium), just my luck and the nearest station with super or premium 12 miles away O_o...and still no signal. So I got a little annoyed and upset (I'm seriously working on this I'll explain my progress later). At first I was upset as I drove to get gas there, constantly checking for cell service. Finally made it 15 m ins later to the gas station, after filling my tank, my cell service was restored, just in time. And after I called to get directions, just like that service was gone again. Won't He do it?! But only after you heed his warning, if I would have not gone the distance, who knows where I would have gotten stranded. If I had been able to call I would have never gone to the gas station, and even though the Lord might have been merciful and gotten to the nearest gas station before I ran out of gas, I’m glad he chose this way instead. Even when I don't understand He continues to provide His assistance which never fails to amaze me.

Won't He do it!

It’s blogging time since I’m in my last two days here (and frankly I'm not doing a thing)…

It seems when I finally surrender and let go and let God things start falling into place *must learn this lesson.* I get so thick headed sometimes, most times, when it comes to letting go and letting God. He’s awesome, He’s always been awesome and will continue to be awesome. Just when I think He’s left me in the dark, I start to see the light. I think it’s Him whispering *trust me, I’ve got this.* He's showing up and showing out and I'm not hating.

So my testimony begins…I needed a new job. The one I got when I first moved here was not cutting it in so many ways. {For more details see me.} Anywho I prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and prayed and cried and prayed to no avail. God was not listening, I was convinced, so I starting sulking. And to make matters worse my job wasn’t the only thing I needed God to come through in a BIG way for. So I did what most of us start to do when we think God’s ideal doesn't fit inside our box, I tried bargaining…this for that, that for this. Knowing full well that God could in fact give it ALL to me, as a friend reminded me...sometimes you need the covering words of others in your life. Their positive attitudes and prayers can  make a huge difference. Even still all I could think is why would He want to do that though. Why would the Lord want to do anything for me after I had acted like a brat?? Why would care if one or even all of my prayers were answered?? Because he loves me and wants to best for me even when I refuse to acknowledge what the best might be. Because I am His, fearfully and wonderfully made, and He takes care of his own.

His deliverance has come....I am happy to report that the Lord has seen fit to remove me from this job and give me an opportunity someplace else, but that's just the beginning. A while back I stopped applying to jobs because I was tired of the rejection. But I also knew I couldn’t stay here much longer. I also acknowledged my inability to make good decisions on my own, so I left it at the Lord's feet...while constantly reminding Him it was there. So when I got a call out of the blue I should have known it was already it was ordained.

However, with it being 2.5 hours via public transportation and since we have no car; this seemed like a pipe dream. Thanks God, waving it in front of me knowing I can’t have it. I went to the interview out of courtesy. {For more details see me.} After some thought I decided to take it because it’s more of a career stepping stone than this job will ever be (plus these people...smh), and quite frankly because I believe God ordained it. He did it for me! But He didn't stop there, originally they wanted to start the 20th which would have given me no days off, I wanted at least a week (selfishly), but when I talked to the HR coordinator they had pushed back my start date until June 3rd...two week vacay (no paycheck, but we'll survive)!!

Even after God had worked that out, I still needed more. My next issue, who was taking the train/bus/subway for 2.5 hours?? Not I…we had to get a car. so I did what I do best…panicked…even after the Lord had just placed this amazing blessing in my life. I took a moment to gather myself watched the Lord work! Finding a car can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But won't my God do it?! He found us a car, and not just any car…the car we planned getting when we "needed" a car again. And within our price range, well $1500 over, but I’m not complaining.

When the floodgates are open, don’t ask just receive…He’ll do it! He'll do it all and more cause He wants the best for you! But wait there’s more…the BIGGEST blessing of them all!!! (It’ll have to wait until next time…this needs a post all it's own.)

Wrestling with (against) God

“When life moves at a crazy pace and your hopes and dreams seem to wash away and your options seem to dissipate…turn your heart and simply think of ME…”


Last week was CRAZY! It was one of those weeks that went by in a blur. I spent 99.8% stressing about anything and everything (I was trying to sleep the other .2% of the time). There were new stressors every day and new things to worry about. I began to even worry about my worrying. It was one of those weeks...I was tired, frustrated, angry, apprehensive, distraught, mad, sad, depressed, repressed, anxious, curious, restless, and the list goes on, mostly, I was confused and hurt. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, it was one of those weeks I wish I was invisible, or at least I had a black hole to fall into. I felt like the Lord was ignoring me (I still think he kind of was…sometimes it has to be that way for me to get “it”).

The long and short of it was I wanted to Lord to answer my prayers, and if He didn’t want to do that the least He could do was give me a reason why. I wanted God to tell me why, when, what, how…why not now…when then…what did I do and what do I do now…how much longer do I have to wait…ha! I recently read Job and realized that when God answers the “why” it’s a courtesy not requirement. You weren’t there when it all began and you might not be there after it ends, so ultimately it’s not about you. I struggled (am currently struggling) with this. Although I understand it a bit more now, or more or less I’ve accepted that I might not understand or be able to comprehend until later.

Anyway so I spent most of last week lamenting over EVERYTHING. I begged, I pleaded, I cried. And nothing…nothing….nothing. Silence! So I got angry and despondent. God was (is) making me wait. I think in the back of my mind I knew, but I hoped He’d change his mind if I asked enough. I begged God to take my mustard seed and work a miracle on my behalf as He has done before, which in response was an “imagine if you gave me more…a kidney bean or even cantaloupe…” Imagine if I gave God EVERYTHING and just let Him work. I know easier said than done, but prayfully possible.

So where am I now? Honestly, I’m still in a bit of a rut. I know that in the end God will show up and show out, but I can’t see how, and that still scares me a bit. I will say this letting go and letting God is more than a notion. In the past I have “let go and let God” and worried (and worked) until a solution surfaced much to my distress. But this time is different, this time God wants more…*refers to prayer in previous post*…and so I wait, surrender, watch, and pray.

Perhaps I occupy time praying for those who really need it, maybe even more than me…an old coworker who just lost her father almost a year later to the day that she lost her mother…an pastor in Cali and his wife, who’s little girl is fighting for her life (born 17 weeks early, only 1.5 pounds)…those injured in the Boston Marathon and their families…those grieving…a friend who just lost her brother…friends struggling with life-altering decisions…we are ALL standing the need of prayer. Starts to put things in perspective…

The Mystery in the Surrender...

It’s been too long!! I had an idea of what I wanted to write, but I just read one of old blogs and was so blessed (http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2012/03/testimony-time-nothing-comes-from.html ). I struggle with my surrender to God, I know he’s got my best interest at heart. It’s the fear of the unknown. It’s my doubt that He’ll really do what is best. And sometimes that it will be too hard. Sometimes you have to step on faith. I’m in the middle of one of those waiting periods, and as nerve-wrecking as it I know God will work it out. The reality is it may not come when you want it, but it’ll be there right on time. It’s the time after I have cried, moaned and ultimately surrended that the Lord truly surprises me and shows up and shows out. And that is time is truly near...and this time I want to do better, so here’s my prayer:


Lord,

I struggle with complete surrender. I know that you’ve done so much, and when I look back, you haven’t failed me yet. My mortal being, and fallible human mental capacity, are unable to understand and comprehend your plan for my life. But I know they are GREAT...I have a vision, but I know yours is better. You are well aware of my wants and desires and do not want to hold those back from me. Sometimes I need help believing this when you don’t answer as fast as I want you too or in the way I think you should, forgive me for this. Thank you for the blessings you have maintained in my life, my health, my strength, food, clothing, shelter, my marriage, my friendships, my job, to name a few. Thank you for the blessings that are too come (those known and unknown…yes I’m claiming it!). Thank you for the peace that you are working on my behalf and for my good through the good and bad. I give you all the praise and honor and just in case you don’t know I love you! Amen!!

Remain Calm…this will be hurt a bit

From time to time I write growth blogs, well here is another one. As I said before growth is painful, at least for me. When the control freak within me feels powerless, I lose it…a lot. I guess it seems that everything seems to fall apart at the same time or maybe it’s harder to see the good when the bad is what’s in focus. Either way, this is painful. My guess is that this won’t be the last time this happens, and as life continues it’ll only get worse. But how I handle each situation is getting better. I remember when this happened last time, and it was not pretty. Although it’s been challenging I think I’m handling it with a more grounded approach, this time (though closer sources might have a different opinion). It doesn’t mean I’m not discourage cause I am. It doesn’t mean I can see the light at the end of the tunnel cause I can’t. It means taking one day at a time and focusing on the Lord for my next step. Trying to keep my eyes on Him rather than my situation, which is working for the most part (until my human instincts to be ungrateful, argumentative, combative, uncompromising, and so on kick in). That's when the tough stuff starts. All in all I'm trying to take the neccessary strides to get better, and focus on my ultimate goal..."everybody talking about heaven ain't going there..."

...and scene. ;-)

Them

There will always be those that understand you best.
They've seen you at best, and stood tall beside you.
They've seen you at your worst and loved you though it.
They are those that love you in spite of and because of

They jump at the opportunity to help you
They have tell you like it is and what it was
They understand you even when you don't understand yourself
They can usually talk you down from the edge

Their judgment is usually clear of motives
It speaks more of their concern and dedication to you and your success
Their criticism is a chance to make you a better version of yourself
They are some of your biggest cheerleaders in the game of life

They live by the creed that they are their brother's keeper
They stump out your insecurities by reminding you how awesome you are
They embrace your craziness because its what drew you together in the first place
They blur the lines and barriers that are used to define them

They are the ones that surround you with love
They are the ones they respect you and what you stand for
They not only respect who you are, but who you are becoming
As you evolve, so do they
They are the ones that you find comfort in
They are the ones you seek solace in
They are the ones teach you how to love
They are the gifts in life that continuously keep giving
And they do all this not because of what you can do for them
But in return for what you have done for them
It's the ultimate gift that keeps on giving

If you haven't found yours by now...sorry for ya. But mine are the best!

(this isn't a poem...I just felt like writing like this...)

The Journey to Success Part 4

My first job out of college was a challenge because I didn’t really know what to expect. And what I expected and what actually happened were so vastly different that it frustrated me to no end. I spent most of my days doing ABSOLUTELY nothing. I went to work and warmed a seat. Here I was fresh out of college ready to be awesome and as useless as a mechanical pencil without lead (well I found it funny…and the best useless thing I could come up with). The thing is I knew this where God wanted me to be because he worked it out for me. I was about to graduate no idea what I was going to do. He swooped in just in time.

Eventually I found my niche at the company, and really started to LOVE my job. I felt comfortable (maybe that’s the key) and was on the track to be awesome. But somehow in God’s wonderful plan for my life I relocated and had to start a new job at a new company in a new city. So here I am over six years later, another degree and more letters behind my name, and again feeling useless. I will not bore you with the trivial details of why and how much I dislike where I work and some of the people I work with.
While I am actively looking for a new job, I am trying to make the most out of my experience here (pray church!!). I know God is able, he got me this job. Although I am ashamed to say I doubted him (smh). I am trusting him because He has turned some sucky situations into great experiences. Not sure if that will be my story in the end, but we’ll see. In my journey to contentment I am trying to totally trust God and seek out his lessons prayfully. I have prayed more at work than ever…growth (I mean stopped head dropped, pleading for his guidance…and PATIENCE). The one thing I do notice that is different than six years ago my mentally attitude. I don’t feel stuck (permanently) as I used to feel. This is only a temporary stop on my success train.

It's July!!

To say it's been a while is an understatement!!!! What have I been up to...the grind of life. Working...pausing (Sabbath)...working. My job got off to a good start, there have been some bumps in the road, but I’ll write later about that. In other news everything is trucking along here in the Big Apple. Some days I am amazed that I made such a big move. There are things I like and things I would do without. There are also some things I miss about Huntsville (I know…this is growth).


I love the fresh fruit, and other basic things, on the side of the road for basically pennies (4 bananas for a $1…yes, please). I like the transit system, it’s cheap and fairly efficient (no air in the subway though, that’s no good). It’s hard to believe that I can go wherever I want in the city on my metrocard for $104 a month. I used to use that in two weeks driving around (my budget is impressed). I love the abundance of culture. Unlike in the south when you are simply white or black or at times Mexican (no not even Hispanic). Here you are a Southern Indian, Ethiopian, European, Puerto Rican, Dominican, the possibilities are endless. So for someone like me who is a Black (although I’ve been asked because of my hair and complexion if I am something other than “black”), Seventh-day Adventist, pescotarian I feel close to normal. There is always something for me to eat, people are tolerant of my sunset Friday to sunset Saturday beliefs. There is always something to see and things to do. I saw my first Broadway show two months after I got here. It was called a Streetcar Named Desire starring Blair Underwood, Nicole Ari Parker, Daphne Rubin-Vega and Wood Harris. It was good and the acting was great. Honestly, I didn’t think Nicole had it in her. While I was there I saw Jasmine Guy (Whitley from A Different World and Boris Kodjoe, Nicole’s Boo and actor) And I can’t forget to mention the zillions of restaurants.

However as the facts of life teach us you must take the good with the bad. I could do without the New York “lifestyle.” The cost of living here is crazy and it seems everyone is always trying to keep up with one another. I mean seriously a 800sq ft apartment for over $5000. -_- Ridiculous. I miss my house… The small portions at expensive restaurants, I am not amused. The New York attitude that is ever present most everywhere you go. I’d never thought I long for the random grocery store conversation in the line. I miss driving a little, something about turning the music up while I cruise along. It’s nice to have someone drive for you, and occasionally folks will feel obliged to share their music with you and those on the subway car, but sometimes it gets old. The amount of weird people roaming the streets, I feel like they got all the weird people they could find and just dropped them in New York (a big sarcastic Thanks). The amount of homeless/underprivileged people. It breaks my heart every time I walk into a subway, turn the corner, walk down the street. The poverty here is overwhelming, I feel quite powerless. One day if I get the chance I want to do my best to create a permanent change until then a $1 or two here or there always helps I guess.

I know leaving Huntsville in February I was leaving behind something the familiar and that by itself is something I’d knew I’d eventually miss. I miss being in town when people decided to stop by, living here visits have to be intentional (and so far we’d had two guests). I miss my job and my coworkers. I didn’t realize how much I liked it until it was almost time to leave (and the benefits I would be leaving). I miss church. So to be completely honest, I haven’t been going as regularly as I did in Huntsville. Before you judge…I still honor the Sabbath…ok now you can go ahead. I just haven’t found a good church to attend. The black churches seem to be looooong (get home at 4 PM long…I’m not about that life) and most have been lacking in the area of hospitality (instead of inviting me to the foot washing service, I was asked to watch some ladies’ purses). The mixed churches are missing the passion I find refreshing in the music and the sermon usually (the music is dry and the sermons are boring). So I’m in a rut when it comes to going to church. I still go, but I feel no need to sit in the pew continually as a mere insurance measure that I’ll make it into the kingdom. Last time I checked it doesn’t work that way anyhow; so the jury is still out on the church thing, but God knows and will provide.

Overall I think New York like most things in life is about growth and improvement. It’s about allowing God to lead and going where He wants me (us) to be. I would have never picked this place and, honestly, I am glad I didn’t. God led us here and is blessing us here, so here is where I’ll be at least until my next divine appointment.

The Udpate

I got a job (God is super-de-duper awesome), actually I’m on week four of my new job (yeah it’s been that long). It’s cool, I glad that the Lord worked it out. And he didn’t make me choose cause I never heard from the other company. So now I getting used to being a “New Yorker,” rushing to get to the train, being packed in like a sardine, needing to carry cash around, and so on. I will admit though I haven’t exactly found my place here yet. I’m searching for some sort of familiarity that makes being here more comfortable. But like most places that comes with time. I felt like I would find that in a church setting, but I’ve been unable to find a church I like…until this past Sabbath. I went the friendliest church I’ve ever been to in life (I have also been to the most unfriendliest (this is not word) church I’ve ever been to in my life while being here in New York). I think I might have found a place to go, but time will tell.

In other news my birthday is Friday, that is all. I feel extremely indifferent about it, I'm not excited or sad. I'm just grateful to have made it to another year. I'm probably more indifferent becuase I'll be working I haven't done that in my birthday in years. But it's a friday, so I'll probably leave early. *shrug*

The Blessings Continue...

Soo in the post below I explained how the Lord work my move out. But that's not where it ends.

My husband moved two months before I did. And I stayed in Huntsville. I didn't know how long it would be before I could move, so I drew a line in the sand. I'm learning to step out when God tells me to step out. It's terrifying, it's the culmination of facing the unknown and perhaps failing.

My biggest fear of moving early was not having the money to do so. While I'm not opposed to be a kept housewife, I had to ask myself is that a financially sound decision? And if the answer is no, there was no way I could move. But I didn't want to be left in Huntsville either. In a way I felt like I had been left out on God's blessing. But Aunt Renee reminded me that God doesn't bless only one party in the marriage. We are a team and God made us that way and he wouldn't do that to us.

I drew a line in the sand, and stepped out on a faith cloud. All I asked is the the Lord support my weight. Not only is he supporting my weight, he is carrying me.

I have been applying for jobs since December. It wasn't until last week I actually got a call to come into for an interview. It had to be one of the worst interviews I had ever had. It was a accounting temp agency. In short the interviewer left a bad taste in my mouth. She didn't ask any relevant questions. And she scoff at my salary request (they add an additional fee on top of your salary request, so if you ask for too much it doesn't benefit them as much...cause a company is going to cap the salary request at a certain point). In all fairness, I think the Lord had sent me a sign to not go to the interview, but I felt like maybe it would help me for future interviews.

My next interview was better. I left the interview feeling confident that I could do the job and it would be a perfect fit for me. But the interviewee told me he wasn't aware when they would be able to hire me. :-/ Um sir, I'm unemployed I need a job sooner rather than later. So that was a bummer, and left me feeling a bit discontent.

No sooner had I left I got call from someone else wanted to interview me later that week. That interview went well also, almost better than the first one because the lady said she was interested in me, and she wanted to make a decision by the next week, which worked well with my open schedule.

No sooner had I finished that interview the first company was calling me back for a second interview. The second interview was good. And this time I was told the position would start ASAP. I left there feeling confident that I would receive an offer letter.

But no sooner than I rested in the idea that I would be working for the first company, the second company called for a second interview. Which will take place on Monday.

I'm TERRIFIED that I will get both jobs and have to choose (but I God's got this!). Both I think are great opportunities at great companies with good benefits that have the potential to offer me the salary I requested (in your face temp agency lady...guess you don't know MY GOD). I don't think I can express HOW GREAT GOD IS!!! *praise break* I don't know what this week holds, but I'm thanking God in advance for his continuous blessings and daily grace and mercy.

Testimony Time: Nothing comes from Nothing

So it has been forever! So I guess there is no time like the present to fill the gaps in.

It's been a busy few months, as you can tell...and I doubt things will slow down anytime soon.

I believe that life is full of testimonies, some big some small. However, it's not always about the size as it is about the impact. I sincerely believe my testimony has been in making for the past two and half years. I'm sure there is more, God is sooo great there is always more. So in essence a testimony is never finished, it almost builds on top of the other testimonies you have.

So my testimony starts about a year and a half after I got married. I had been living in Huntsville for about 3 years then after graduating. And quite frankly Huntsville was getting quite old. For starters all of my close friends had moved away, I hated my job, and so on and so far. I also was in serious odds about my self image (which is still a continuous process). Basically I felt trapped and I felt that my growth was being stunted being in Huntsville. I whined and cried to God about it to no avail. I felt like I was missing out on so many things. I felt like I had made some decisions to end up where I was in life. I just felt tired of being me (I documented some of this way back when feel free to check it out).

So what was my solution to get out of this funk. Employ the philosophy I try to live by on a daily basis it's similar to tests and trials come to make you strong. I like to put a spend on it like this, God is always trying to teach you a lesson just like He did with the disciples. He tried His best while He was here to show object lessons in all that he could. So I try to employ that philosophy. Basic get the lesson and move along.

So back to the testimony...I was in my slump waiting for the Lord to help a sister out. I didn't care how I just wanted it done and done quickly. Finally like a child who feels there requests are going unnoticed I started to act out. Suddenly, after what seemed like months of darkness, I asked the one question that help me pull myself up by my bootstraps. What can I do?

All this time I expected God to perform some miracle and make my life better. I expected him to wave some magically wand and make it all better. But what had I done to change my circumstances, what had I done to make things better? Nothing. Rarely do things happened when nothing is done...nothing comes from nothing.

So in an effort to change things I started with the one thing I felt I had control over. I joined a gym. I started working out like a maniac. It eventually paid off, I lost over 40 pounds. And although my goal was to lose 60 (and in a dream I would have loved to lose 80). One thing that helped while working out was positive thinking. Your body tends to tense up when you stress, stress can literally hold on to pounds for you. So on an effort to not to reverse my progress I tried to release all the unnecessary stress I could. And I started with my biggest stressor, work.

I decided on a career path, for some reason I think I had stalled because it felt so permanent. I had been waiting for some grand opportunity to come along and make up my mind for me. But finally I made a decision and it was like all the chips fell in place.

The last area I had to tackle was my relationships. I started with the first and most important one, God. For a while I felt like we were at a stand still and now I realize I was the only one standing still. And I went down the list after that. For a long time I felt like people had abandoned me when I needed them the most. I had written people off, and didn't really feel like being bothered. But good friends know when you need a friend and that's when they stick around. When they are no longer benefited by being your friend, but when you are benefited by being their friend.

As I made this little changes, taking baby steps life seemed to get exponentially better. I changed my attitude and my attitude increased. And last year again for the 3948th time I asked the Lord with more clarity and more understanding to move us from Huntsville. And that it seemed no sooner than I had risen from knees my husband got a new job. And God showed out!!

So we were finally moving...YAY, all is right with the world right? Not quite. So many questions swirled around in my mind: Where was I going to work? What are we going to do with the house? Where are we going to live? As quickly as I thanked God for my blessing I felt overwhelmed by what ifs. And after finally accepting life as it was, and actually enjoying it, it was changing.

But this time it was easier to pull myself out of my funk because I had seen God work on my behalf. And now I wait for what God has called me to do because until you do something nothing comes from nothing.

So.....

I've been meaning to write...I mean really I have. So much is going on though.

I got a new position at work, that is working me like crazy. It was definitely a good change, my boss' suggestion so kudos to him.

I'm moving to New York. Matt got a new job, and so we're off. Well at least he is off. I'm still chilling in the city of mediocrity (lol!).

I plan on leaving by the first week in February. *shrug*

It's crazy cause I know if this would have happened this time last year or the year before last, I would have not been ready. It's amazing that God knows you what you need and when.

Please pray for our house to sell and me to find a job!!

And I'm out...

Thanksgiving Special

So I've been writing this blog for sometime, and now is as good as of a time. I want you all to know. I love you and appreciate you!

> > Family:

> > Mom - the very things I think annoyed me growing up about you are traits I have developed...staying longer than everyone else to help clean, doing things for others because they are nice even though it's an inconvenience. I'll spare the normal thanks for the roof over my head, college education, and car. Thanks for making the awesome, God-fearing woman I am today.
> >
Dad - I'm most definitely a daddy's girl. I truly appreciate all the sacrifice. I believe that's it because of your example I chose such a wonderful candidate for my life partner.
> >
Cicily - I know I get on you about all that ATTITUDE, but I would be lying if I didn't say I had a lot back then too. I love being a big sister to such an smart young lady. Make you respect yourself and others will follow.
> >
Tyler - I know you think most of the time I'm on your back, but it's only because I love you. It's when I stop worrying about you that you should be concerned. Stay diligent in all you do and your hardwork will pay off.
> >
Matt - to one of the most important people in my life...thanks for exposing my flaws, pointing out my mistakes, correcting me constantly...ultimately thanks for making me a better me (even though I usually don't receive it well). You have challenged and I hope I have done the same for you. You have become one of my best buddies...I wouldn't have it any other way. Here's to many more to come...
> >
> > Friends:
> >
Naya (Amyah) - where do I begin?! I love you girl. We've been together since grade school, can you believe it? I can't...through marriages births, who would have thought. Thank you for you friendship, for your sisterhood...thank for my first niece, she's sooo awesome like her mom (and her godmother LOL). Thanks you for entrusting me with the awesome responsibility of being myah's godmother. It's really a honor.  And in case I don't say it enough, you're awesome. I've watched you turn some coal like situations into diamonds. You deserve all the greatness that is coming your way. Myah J - auntie J loves you very (and maybe one day uncle mack will too LOL kidding)
> >
Krystle - twelve years and counting...I know you've been trying to get rid of me, but guess you've noticed I've yet to leave (I haven't seen you leaving either, so...lol). And honestly I don't plan too. We've grown too attach now. Thanks for consistently calling, it makes me feel like someone cares.
> >
Ebony - you restored my faith in adult friendships. I brag on you all the time, about how great a friend you are. I mean seriously...You're the best!! I very thankful our paths crossed. And I'm soo excited for you and all the wonderful things that will be happening to you next year. And I hope to continue to be included to celebrate with you!
> >
Kell - let's recap, you got married, graduated from law school, passed the bar...that's more than some people do in a lifetime. And I would expect nothing less. Our relationship has evolved from roommate to friends, and it's been a fun journey. Your the greatest traveling partner (and candace). I can't imagine trips without y'all! Which reminds need a trip ASAP...we have one coming up. Yay!!! Can't wait!
> >
Candace - I'm so thankful your okay, seriously. After we got off the phone I kept thinking how thankful I am you are ok. If I think about it too long I'll probably burst into tears. Who would I call and harass or panic too?!
> >
Mialana - thanks for just listening, and thanks for sharing. We don't talk as much as we used too, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. It's so great to have someone who understands you when your at your lowest and doesn't kick you while your down.

Justwrite85 Answers Questions

So I came across this on CNN.com…I liked the question because it happens more than people think. And I wanted to give it a stab and answer it.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been in a long-distance relationship for six months with a guy I’ve known about two years through work; we’ve seen each other in person for what amounts to a month during vacations and we talk daily via Internet chat and video.

I’m in my late twenties; he’s in his early thirties. I really care for him and thought I was falling in love. Things were going really well on our last vacation up until the end of the trip when I asked him was there anything in the relationship bothering him, and he told me that while I had a very pretty face, my weight has been an issue for him.

I have dropped some weight since I’ve first known him and currently wear S-M shirts, U.S. size 8 in pants. He soon apologized after seeing how much it hurt me, but I know it’s honestly what he feels, and is a factor in his attraction to me. He said that while it was a factor, it wasn’t a “dealbreaker.” I can’t stop thinking about it and my self-esteem has taken a bruising. I was working on losing more weight, and this could be a kick in the butt to get on it, but I wonder what it could mean long-term.

I sometimes want to end the relationship because of this and because he doesn’t seem to be as attached as I am, but a part of me wants to see what happens next year. Perhaps I’m moving too fast anyway. What do you think? — Weighty Issues

Dear Weighty Issues,

Six months is a long time, and the fact that you knew him 2 years before that, your size should be no surprise. With that being said people have types, ‘prototypes’ and things they like or prefer. They have the right to have these slight ‘discriminations’ because in all honesty they ultimately have to ‘deal’ with it for as long as the relationship last. The only exception, in my opinion, is if significant change happens during the relationship (i.e. pregnancy weight gain, thyroid issues, etc). If not he went in with eyes wide open, so he can not use this as an excuse, but it doesn’t seem like he did. He was honest and I do applaud him for his honesty…but at what expense?

Weight is such a sensitive subject and it can really pierce deep, sometimes we don’t realize how deep until the spotlight is on us. I can understand why you would take a personal, but to be completely honest, he was just answering a question. If he says it is not a deal breaker, maybe it is taking him some time to get used to it, to get over his ‘discriminations.’ Our basic instincts, wants and desires are deeply embedded. They make up who we are and while at times they may be bias, illogical and/or irrational, they are apart of us.  They are innate characteristics that we possess, so it can take some time to revamp our thinking and replace them with unbiased, logical and rational results. He may be used to dating a certain type of woman. You may be the opposite of that, and it may take him some time to realize his ‘problem’ with your weight is not a problem at all or to realize it is HIS problem and not yours.

Next, we come to the question of whether to end the relationship or wait and see what happens next year. One thing to remember is that while time heals wounds, it doesn’t change people…People rarely change. With all that being said you should consider the relationship as a whole when considering moving on, if he is not as involved as you then that may be a big red flag to move on. However, I don’t think that him expressing his discontent about your weight should be a deal breaker for you if it isn’t for him.

Lastly, losing weight should be a personal conviction. It should not be something that you do for someone else because most things done for others are short lived. Take control of your life and your weight because you want too, not because someone else thinks you should. If you are fine like you are, be proud of that. Be healthy, happy and contentent because ultimately you have to live with yourself.

My Hairstory

So the craziest realization happened to me the day the other day about my hair. I had gone to get my hair done, I figured it was time to get the ends clipped and see the damage I’ve been doing since I’ve just been letting my hair do its own thing. I got it clipped and pressed, it was pretty long just blow dried out, but of course after the cut L…but my hair needed it. The last time I pressed it out was for a friend’s wedding, and of course before the weekend was over so was my hair. That’s usually how it goes, and since I’ve been trying to exercise regularly pressing out my hair has not been an option. Also the fact that it is a production to do so, although I’ve gotten it down to about a 2.5 hour science.

So after I got it pressed I found myself doing the most to make sure I didn’t sweat it out or mess it up. I kept it tied up unless I was going out. I woke up early to press and curl it. I took so much more time getting ready. *SIGH* When I was finally ready to wash it, a week later I was super glad to have my natural curly hair back. Hair that doesn’t make me wench at the rain, hair that requires nothing more than a scrunchy and some gel…I didn’t realize how much I missed it. Simple morning washes and go, slicking it back into a bun, two strand twists. I missed it all.

Now let me get this out I am by no means a natural hair fanatic. I think you should be able to wear your hair any way you want to wear it. I think you should wear what looks good on you, not what is cool at the moment. While I have natural hair I don’t in any way really feel like I identify with “natural hair fanatics.” Perhaps it’s because I’ve been “natural” most my life. My mom let me get a perm in seventh grade after I begged, it was cool just didn’t want to keep it up. All my beauticians warned against it, but sometimes you just have to try things on your own to get it. I guess I don’t identify with them because I have the type of hair that lends itself to being natural, I have a nice wave, curl pattern that works well and is easy to style.

Honestly, I think people are too hype about the natural thing, that’s just my opinion. I don’t think it’s for everyone, but to each his own. However, seeing my natural hair again after a week felt liberating. I missed it. It reminded me of the first and only time I decided to get a track put it. My college graduation, I figured I would be running around and didn’t want to risk messing up a press. Well I was ready for that thing to come out three days later. I almost cut out a chunk of my hair to get it out, my dad finally rescued me (he was used to helping my mom, lol). Then and there I decided my hair was all I needed. I’m lazy when it comes to my hair and I take it for granted, but I really do appreciate it.

So sitting here typing this with my two strand twists untwisted I say maybe I am my hair. It doesn’t define, but it makes up a part of who I am. And when it’s in it natural state I am probably most content, which is the best place to be. J

A Year Later

It’s Tuesday…that loooooongest day of the week. I don’t know why Tuesday always seems so long, but it does. I always feel like time is just slowly milling away. Anywho from time to time I like to check my blog to see how I am doing now versus how I was a year ago.

Last year this time I was in school, tutoring, working and had just finished my second year as assistant youth leader for AYS. Talk about busy. I had also realized my need to distance myself from Twitter and those that chose to roam its streets, lol. I also just gotten the new Kirk Franklin CD, which I still bump faithfully until this day.

So what’s changed? I am no longer in school or tutoring. I needed a break from school, but I do have enough credits to teach on a collegiate level now. Hooray! That goal will soon be accomplished. I no longer work with the church youth…long story short. I have tried to get back into it, but people are not serious. I’ve made some good changes in my diet and exercise routine. I’ve seen some progress, still have a while to go though.

I’ve managed to find my life boat friends. These are the friends that I would put on a life boat with me cause I don’t want to not have them by my side. They have rescued me from despair and helped my split my sides in laughter. I can’t thank them enough, sometimes I’m sure they don’t know how much they help.

It’s almost time for my new job to start. I’m not sure how I feel about it, I’ll let you know when I start. The great thing is I think I’ll get stay on my every other Friday off schedule *fist pump*.

Spare the Rod...

So I’ve been rambling the last few posts. I figured it’d be nice to get an organized post together.

This is not the original article I saw, but it’s the basic story. I saw a clip from the CNN story with Don Lemon, where they had a therapist on reputing the need for corporal punishment, spanking. http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2011-10-06/news/os-child-abuse-video-arrest-20111006_1_child-abuse-video-youtube

There’s a story in the news about a 25 year-old black man who is accused of abuse. He posted a video on youtube (his dumbest crime) of his teaching a mentee a life lesson for acting out in school. He cut off the little boy’s hair and eyebrows (a bit extreme), spanked him, and made him do a series of bootcamp exercises (possibly also a bit extreme). Now I am not sure what the little boy did, and if the crime really fit the punishment, but these are the facts as I know them (which means very little). Soon the National Center for Missing and Exploited Childrenen tipped off local authorities and this guy is being charged with child abuse. The mentor maintains that the purpose of all this was to teach the little boy a lesson and help him not become a statistic (another jail-bound black man). A noble lesson that hopefully is learned despite the circumstances.

First, it breaks my heart while teaching this lesson, the mentor will fall short of visions I’m sure he had for himself. Once he is convicted he will be caught up in the very cycle he was trying to keep this little boy out of. Yep, I said once he is convicted, he’s going down for this, which is unfortunate I think. I’m sure he felt his heart was in the right place, but the whole thing was poorly executed. It does concern me that the little boy was not his child, but he had been mentoring him for a year, so hopefully they had developed some time of bond. A bond where the child understood and appreciated the standard held, and understood the consequences of not abiding by those standards.

I honestly think his guy’s main crimes were his inability to be more discreet in teaching his lesson, and the extremity of the punishment itself. Part of me feels the punishment was extreme, but I don’t know the crime. I am a firm believer in corporal punishment by way of spanking, to help aid in teaching and correcting. I believe it is important to use physical punishment in combination with verbal lessons (no profanity, or yelling, needed), so that the child understands their wrongdoings and is able to make better decisions in future situations. However, I also am quick to add that, punishments should be tailored to the child, not every child needs a spanking. Parents/Guardians should consider this when disciplining.

The main problem I have with the original snippet I saw was the therapist point of view. Some may think that spanking is not necessary and call it abuse. And I believe spanking can be taken too far, and has been many times before, but I also think it a legitimate way to discipline a child. I hope this guy, and his mentee, have learned some important life lessons. Everyone doesn’t agree with spanking and, in general, we can agree to disagree, “but as for me and my house…”

Sleepy in the Cube

I’m sitting here at my desk…sleepy. Because I decided to stay until after one watching Felicity the series on Netflix. I kept telling myself it was a bad idea to watch another episode, but myself did not listen. Well now I am paying for it. I have actually lasted longer than I thought I would have. So to keep myself from laying my head on my desk and taking a little siesta. I’ll just blog to pass the time. Which essentially means another ramble blog, or perhaps somewhere along my ramble I’ll find a purpose.

So the marriage retreat is coming up soon. Actually next month. I usually am excited to go because I’ve enjoyed myself the times I’ve gone. Just something in my spirit is not willing this year. I think it’s the fact that we have gone three years in a row and still don’t really “know” anyone. We get reacquainted every year and I guess I’m not in the mood for that.

Ever feel like you are being ignored by everyone? No, ok then it’s just me. Welp that’s how I felt this week, ignored and bothersome. Like I was constantly interrupting people anytime I tried to talk to them. And the moment I say that someone hits me up on gtalk. O_O So I decided to not reach out to anyone else except Eb this week as I didn’t feel welcomed. I’m probably being overly sensitive, I’ve been known to do that. *skips along*

I’m planning a game night over my house for my coworkers. I’m trying to decide if I should invite outside work peeps…

I was going to go to atl this weekend, but decided not too. For a couple reasons…I was there two weeks ago, it cost for gas and to put the dogs in the kennel. And after a while going just didn’t seem fun. *shrug*

I have a new phrase “weep softly” …I love coming with new phrases or stealing them from someone else.

I’ve been peeing like a race horse….drinking 64 ounces of water throughout the day has me staying in the bathroom. I wish I could move my computer into there.  

This gtalk chat is doing me good…