It's My Birthday

I am thankful for another year of life...my birthday was very uneventful and I don't mind. I found myself in the spa...so I am happy.

Brithday Joys

So next Wednesday is the big day, my birthday and entrance into my "late" twenties…LOL

I have no (big) plans, the only thing I really want is to be in someone's spa for at least an hour.

Last year I wanted to do something big because it was the big 25, but that was downgraded which in the end was much better. I appreciate my birthdays now more for the reflection I get to use them for. Last year was a year to remember not because of how great, but because of the all the lessons learned. Since then I believe I have truly done some major work on myself (inside and out). I am more content with the state of my life and how things are working out. I am more willing to accept the here and now instead of what could be. If I did nothing but lay in bed and around my house for my birthday I would be fine. Because ultimately a (paid) day off work is awesome by itself, and a blessing in the times we are living in. I am very blessed and I am taking note of that. The Lord has been working some major miracles and I am too thankful and delighted.

I have seen myself grow a lot this year. I have found my strength in areas of my life that I never thought I could. I have gained control over certain things in my life. I have reached goals I knew were possible, but had never tried. I have recognized weaknesses that I have that make me both empowered and fearful.

All this helps me realize the getting older does really help you get better.

So here’s to another year!

Storms and Sunshine

So to know me is to know that I am TERRIFIED (deathly afraid) of storms…I don't know where this fear came from and I know it’s not logical. My fear of storms is as practical as people's fears about spiders, heights, and so on and so forth. When I was younger, during a storm, I used to spend the night in my parents closet during storms. As I got older and went to college it was less feasible (and less cool) to do this. So I suffered in silence and basically went the night without any sleep. Now that I am older and married sleeping in the closet is still not an option, but I have learned how to sleep a little through the storms especially if I don't focus on them (I do this by keeping the covers over my head).

So whenever there is a storm I want to be somewhere safe and sound (preferably a solid structure of some sort). There is nothing that magnifies my terror more than being in a car during a storm (and driving through one personally is a sure way to give me a heart attack). Yesterday there was a wave of storms that came through the south. I didn't even know it was going to storm; it's probably better that way, so I was panicking all day. Anyway the storms decided not to hit my part of Alabama until around the time it was time for me to leave work. This meant I would be in the car on my way home during the time when the storm was suppose to hit the hardest. I was calm at first because most time the meteorologists here exaggerate. But when I got in the car the radio was on and they had been feeding us emails at work, so soon I panicked! Full on panic, irrational panic…thinking of whether I would have to jump in a ditch to avoid an impending tornado. I prayed all the way home…once I was home I was fine. Thankful I had made it in one piece.

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining so bright and there was not a cloud in the sky. It made me think of Noah and how after everything finally stopped and they were able to get off the boat what a comfort the rainbow must have been. I let my imagination take flight and imagined it was a day like today, not a cloud in the sky, just the sun and God's rainbow.

Days like today always puzzle me, but they also give me something to look forward too after the storm. It makes me wonder how the sky could turn so ugly and produce such a mass order of disarray, yet turn into something so beautiful and awe-inspiring. I guess perhaps if I focused more on the next day I would be less afraid of the current storm. It's much like real life. Everyday brings some challenge to face and overcome some obstacle to get over or around. Focusing on the 'sunny' days can make even the stormy ones a blessing knowing that the best is yet to come.

God Willing and the creek don't rise...relationship anxiety and other random stuff that I was thinking about

I don't know, but that title makes me giggle and yet brings me comfort all at the same time...and I thought it would be a great title for this post. While some is random and maybe incoherent (to some)...it make sense to me.

I don't talk to many people these days, so when I do get the chance it's nice until they start asking about children or encouraging me to move. If I am fine with my life the way it is...can't you be also?

Ok so my rant comes from a conversation I had with someone yesterday. I think that first problem was that I picked up the phone to talk when I wasn't in the mood to talk. Anywho we started talking and as I usually do when we talk I allowed her to carry the conversation. Toward the middle it got kind of dry, so she pulled out the usual "when are you all having kids" question. Too tired to come up with something sarcastic I politely answered. Then we got on the topic of friends, being married and moving on... I won't even get into the entire conversation, but basically she blamed my nonchalantness toward "our friends" on my being married. -_- Seriously. Ok, I'm done.

So...recently I've been exploring my sensitive side. *blank stare* So I have been actively rehashing the past to dig up and hopefully get over some feelings I have had toward people. I find that I don't hold grudges (or maybe I do), but I remember them, vividly. Some may find this to be a bad thing mainly because why bring up the past. But the more I contemplate the more I understand that the past shapes us and how we address certain situations and issues. I am the way I am because of my past situations... Before I divulge anymore I have learned some important facts (and fiction) that I believe makes me who I am today.

Fact: At some point at life everyone hurts you...how you deal with this can strengthen or destroy a relationship
Fact: Everyone is Not your friend...some people are just nice, but they are not your friends
Fact: Everyone does Not have your best interest in mind. Period.
Fact: Forgiveness is the first step to help you move up, and more importantly, on
Fact: Silence can be golden, sometimes saying nothing speaks in more volumes
Fact: Relationship growth and acceptance is key for better relationships
Fiction: Shutting everyone out will not make anything easier *repeats over and over*
Fiction: Once friends always friends



Now let's have story time:

I get a text from a friend telling me about a party at another friend's house. This is the second message of this kind, so slightly annoyed I haven't heard from the other friend I text them to see what the deal is. They confirm the party then request my assistance in helping with the party. My response...oh ok when? *blank stare*

I have been texting and calling a friend since last October...no response until almost a month ago. Then she texted me two weeks ago asking for my help in a fashion show she was doing. My response...sure. *blank stare*

Last year a friend told me I was cold and aloof (ok so didn't use those words but I summarized)...hurt me to the core. But I would still do almost anything for her. *sad face*

What I have learned:

I have a hard time saying no...when it comes to certain (most) people. I have a hard time expressing myself because basically people suck a understanding your point of view and/or even listening to you. And the funny thing is most people wouldn't even describe me as a pushover...I struggle with balance in most of my friendships and it causes a bad case of relationship (friendship) anxiety that carries over into so many facets of my life. So much to the point now I shrink at the thought of making 'friends' or keeping some of the old.

But I still thank God for the lessons I have learned and the ones I hope help me through this.