Accepting God's promise

I'm back, finally! After a long hiatus during which I have been nurturing myself the little life inside me. That's right, after five years and countless "when are you having a baby" questions. It's time! This wonderful little bundle of joy as a result of prayer is due March 19, 2014.

Some days I'm over the moon about the prospect of having a baby. But mostly I SCARED to death about it. Not about the birthing process or raising this little bundle. The control freak inside is constantly worried about what is going on inside me right now. The development of a baby is astounding and I have been reading and absorbing everything I can get my hands on, sometimes to my own demise. And all I can say, what an AMAZING journey this has been and will continue to be.

To completely understand let me tell you a story…

After confirming via HPT I decided to go to the doctor. Went to the doctor on Monday everything was fine, she wanted to run some blood tests on Friday, no big deal. So it had started, I was excited, nervous, but excited. In my mind I had decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks which is usually when the initial scare of complications dwindle. So now it was just our secret. But by Wednesday I was having some issues, so off the doctor's I go in EXTREME panic. A couple things to note, I work in NJ and live in NY, my doctor is also in NY, so my 50 min commute only added to my panic. Everything that could go wrong went through my head. Also my doctor was not in the office, so I had to see her partner. After the exam the doctor tells me there's a possibility this might be an ectopic pregnancy (basically a MC), and I'll have to come in on Monday to be sure. I calmly accept this news, and go home. Once in the comfort of my home, I begin to cry profusely at the idea of this happening. I spend the next three days trying to grasp the reality of what is potentially about to happen.

I spend Sabbath home, crying, panicking, and repeating. I hoped for an online church experience that would lift my spirits. As the day progressed, so did my anxiety; until it hit me, why should I have to wait for someone else to help me approach the throne of grace? And so I started praying, every hour on the hour. Praying for the health of my child, certain ailments that still had not left my body, for our future as a family, I took my concerns and laid them at the alter. Monday arrived and before I could even get out the door, the tears started to flow. Trusting in God to make the right decision for your live is the only way to live, but it is also the HARDEST way to live. A quick prayer and we were off to learn our fate.

Side note: I must give a shout out to my Husband. If there is one defining moment throughout this experience I remember the most it's his very real advice. While he scoffed at my plan not to tell anyone until 12 weeks (cause he said I wouldn't be able to hold it in that long). And with everything going on I was even more pressed to not tell anyone what was going on. He explained that I needed support either way and that not telling anyone (if the worst happened) would not make not have happened. So simple yet so profound...Hiding would only makes things worst....wise man, that's part of why I married him and might keep him around. ;)

My heart was jumping out of my chest when I walked in the doctor's office. It was a whirlwind of events. She confirmed that there was indeed something there, and even noted its tiny little flicker of a heartbeat. If you never been astounded by God's grace and mercy...I’m here to testify. God had worked a miracle on our behalf, and I couldn't even find the words to thank Him. What makes this even more amazing is that I had read forums that say you could see a heartbeat at six weeks, but for most people it was rare. I prayed that God would do that for me as a promise. And He did it. Simply ASTOUNDED, and humbled by God goodness to me.

That should have been enough for me to shout it from the mountain top. God said it, and so it going to happen. But I still approached the situation very cautiously. Telling only our parents, and two close friends, and swearing them to secrecy until 12 weeks. "Oh ye of little faith..." I know in an earlier post I talked about giving God more than a mustard seed, but the sad truth is sometimes that's all I have to give. The truth is I fall short spiritually and I know I have to get better to receive what God truly has in store for me. So for weeks I was extremely cautious and still quite paranoid. Reminding myself constantly that God's got this and it's in His hands. Yet here I am relying on ultrasounds, sonograms, and heartbeat monitors to give me peace about the baby. When God has already confirmed and stamped it with His promise!

Fast forward to today, 18 weeks, and I'm still paranoid *hangs head*. I get panicked when I feel a twinge, I get paranoid when I feel great, and it literally NEVER ends. :-\ God is watching out for this baby, obviously. It's me with the problem, I can admit that. But today I am vowing to do better. This faith journey I am on, I'm not alone. I have some amazing people who are praying for me. And God has been there every step of the way. My goal is to really let Him be the captain of this vessel, and with the extra precious cargo I'm carrying I wouldn't mind that one bit.

My Faith Journey

The ultimate faith journey has started, not sure if I'm ready, but this was what prayed for. God is good, even when I doubt His goodness. He hasn't failed me yet.

On the Real

I've been wanting to blog for a while now, even had titles and everything. And now that I have the time, I am drawing a blank. So I guess I do what I always do when I am in this predicament...ramble. First, let me say I did honestly I expect to reveal something really big (see previous post), but it's not the time. And at this rate I don't know when it will be a good time, but when it is, you’ll be almost first to know.

In my post last year on April 16 "The Update" I noted how I was looking for some sort of familiarity that makes being here (New York) more comfortable. And in my July 12th post I weighed in about the good and bad of  moving to New York. Well this weekend that all seem to be brought into perspective after a cabin trip on the lake with some ladies from my church. Initially I declined going because of an impending trip of my aunt's to NYC. After agonizing (I'm sure to Matt's discontent) over it I decided to go. I was anxious about going because I didn't want to be a bad niece, I didn't want to leave Matt alone to host, and quite frankly, I didn't know who was going on the camping trip, so it could have been a disaster. My aunt decided not to come at the last minute (yes I was still agonizing over this even after she told me it was ok if I went), and I truly enjoyed the company.

We had fun eating, cooking, hiking, swimming, shopping and talking. I miss having friends to get together with and do nothing, but have fun being together. I told them that I don't like making new friends (which is a common theme throughout this blog starting after I graduated college). I hate the pomp and circumstance of it all, I hate the feeling of trying to get them up-to-date with my life and personality, I hate the awkward in-between phases, it's like dating without the 3 F's free dinner, flowers, and flirting. But I have to say I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with this ladies, it was easy. Didn’t feel forced, there was a calmness about the experience. There's a little piece of me that says eventually it'll get harder, but I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And for the record hard is not always bad if the person is worth it, hence my approaching five year anniversary (Hey boo!).

There was also some God and Jailyn time (these are usually lessons I need to get). Something told me to get gas before I left, but in my haste and overenthusiasm to get there I didn't stop, plus I took a bunch of little back roads with no gas stations. So by the time I got there I was near E, but I got to the cabin and no one was there and I had no signal. So I drove to the nearest town to get gas, they only had regular (Audi's need Super or Premium), just my luck and the nearest station with super or premium 12 miles away O_o...and still no signal. So I got a little annoyed and upset (I'm seriously working on this I'll explain my progress later). At first I was upset as I drove to get gas there, constantly checking for cell service. Finally made it 15 m ins later to the gas station, after filling my tank, my cell service was restored, just in time. And after I called to get directions, just like that service was gone again. Won't He do it?! But only after you heed his warning, if I would have not gone the distance, who knows where I would have gotten stranded. If I had been able to call I would have never gone to the gas station, and even though the Lord might have been merciful and gotten to the nearest gas station before I ran out of gas, I’m glad he chose this way instead. Even when I don't understand He continues to provide His assistance which never fails to amaze me.

Won't He do it!

It’s blogging time since I’m in my last two days here (and frankly I'm not doing a thing)…

It seems when I finally surrender and let go and let God things start falling into place *must learn this lesson.* I get so thick headed sometimes, most times, when it comes to letting go and letting God. He’s awesome, He’s always been awesome and will continue to be awesome. Just when I think He’s left me in the dark, I start to see the light. I think it’s Him whispering *trust me, I’ve got this.* He's showing up and showing out and I'm not hating.

So my testimony begins…I needed a new job. The one I got when I first moved here was not cutting it in so many ways. {For more details see me.} Anywho I prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and prayed and cried and prayed to no avail. God was not listening, I was convinced, so I starting sulking. And to make matters worse my job wasn’t the only thing I needed God to come through in a BIG way for. So I did what most of us start to do when we think God’s ideal doesn't fit inside our box, I tried bargaining…this for that, that for this. Knowing full well that God could in fact give it ALL to me, as a friend reminded me...sometimes you need the covering words of others in your life. Their positive attitudes and prayers can  make a huge difference. Even still all I could think is why would He want to do that though. Why would the Lord want to do anything for me after I had acted like a brat?? Why would care if one or even all of my prayers were answered?? Because he loves me and wants to best for me even when I refuse to acknowledge what the best might be. Because I am His, fearfully and wonderfully made, and He takes care of his own.

His deliverance has come....I am happy to report that the Lord has seen fit to remove me from this job and give me an opportunity someplace else, but that's just the beginning. A while back I stopped applying to jobs because I was tired of the rejection. But I also knew I couldn’t stay here much longer. I also acknowledged my inability to make good decisions on my own, so I left it at the Lord's feet...while constantly reminding Him it was there. So when I got a call out of the blue I should have known it was already it was ordained.

However, with it being 2.5 hours via public transportation and since we have no car; this seemed like a pipe dream. Thanks God, waving it in front of me knowing I can’t have it. I went to the interview out of courtesy. {For more details see me.} After some thought I decided to take it because it’s more of a career stepping stone than this job will ever be (plus these people...smh), and quite frankly because I believe God ordained it. He did it for me! But He didn't stop there, originally they wanted to start the 20th which would have given me no days off, I wanted at least a week (selfishly), but when I talked to the HR coordinator they had pushed back my start date until June 3rd...two week vacay (no paycheck, but we'll survive)!!

Even after God had worked that out, I still needed more. My next issue, who was taking the train/bus/subway for 2.5 hours?? Not I…we had to get a car. so I did what I do best…panicked…even after the Lord had just placed this amazing blessing in my life. I took a moment to gather myself watched the Lord work! Finding a car can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But won't my God do it?! He found us a car, and not just any car…the car we planned getting when we "needed" a car again. And within our price range, well $1500 over, but I’m not complaining.

When the floodgates are open, don’t ask just receive…He’ll do it! He'll do it all and more cause He wants the best for you! But wait there’s more…the BIGGEST blessing of them all!!! (It’ll have to wait until next time…this needs a post all it's own.)

Wrestling with (against) God

“When life moves at a crazy pace and your hopes and dreams seem to wash away and your options seem to dissipate…turn your heart and simply think of ME…”


Last week was CRAZY! It was one of those weeks that went by in a blur. I spent 99.8% stressing about anything and everything (I was trying to sleep the other .2% of the time). There were new stressors every day and new things to worry about. I began to even worry about my worrying. It was one of those weeks...I was tired, frustrated, angry, apprehensive, distraught, mad, sad, depressed, repressed, anxious, curious, restless, and the list goes on, mostly, I was confused and hurt. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, it was one of those weeks I wish I was invisible, or at least I had a black hole to fall into. I felt like the Lord was ignoring me (I still think he kind of was…sometimes it has to be that way for me to get “it”).

The long and short of it was I wanted to Lord to answer my prayers, and if He didn’t want to do that the least He could do was give me a reason why. I wanted God to tell me why, when, what, how…why not now…when then…what did I do and what do I do now…how much longer do I have to wait…ha! I recently read Job and realized that when God answers the “why” it’s a courtesy not requirement. You weren’t there when it all began and you might not be there after it ends, so ultimately it’s not about you. I struggled (am currently struggling) with this. Although I understand it a bit more now, or more or less I’ve accepted that I might not understand or be able to comprehend until later.

Anyway so I spent most of last week lamenting over EVERYTHING. I begged, I pleaded, I cried. And nothing…nothing….nothing. Silence! So I got angry and despondent. God was (is) making me wait. I think in the back of my mind I knew, but I hoped He’d change his mind if I asked enough. I begged God to take my mustard seed and work a miracle on my behalf as He has done before, which in response was an “imagine if you gave me more…a kidney bean or even cantaloupe…” Imagine if I gave God EVERYTHING and just let Him work. I know easier said than done, but prayfully possible.

So where am I now? Honestly, I’m still in a bit of a rut. I know that in the end God will show up and show out, but I can’t see how, and that still scares me a bit. I will say this letting go and letting God is more than a notion. In the past I have “let go and let God” and worried (and worked) until a solution surfaced much to my distress. But this time is different, this time God wants more…*refers to prayer in previous post*…and so I wait, surrender, watch, and pray.

Perhaps I occupy time praying for those who really need it, maybe even more than me…an old coworker who just lost her father almost a year later to the day that she lost her mother…an pastor in Cali and his wife, who’s little girl is fighting for her life (born 17 weeks early, only 1.5 pounds)…those injured in the Boston Marathon and their families…those grieving…a friend who just lost her brother…friends struggling with life-altering decisions…we are ALL standing the need of prayer. Starts to put things in perspective…

The Mystery in the Surrender...

It’s been too long!! I had an idea of what I wanted to write, but I just read one of old blogs and was so blessed (http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2012/03/testimony-time-nothing-comes-from.html ). I struggle with my surrender to God, I know he’s got my best interest at heart. It’s the fear of the unknown. It’s my doubt that He’ll really do what is best. And sometimes that it will be too hard. Sometimes you have to step on faith. I’m in the middle of one of those waiting periods, and as nerve-wrecking as it I know God will work it out. The reality is it may not come when you want it, but it’ll be there right on time. It’s the time after I have cried, moaned and ultimately surrended that the Lord truly surprises me and shows up and shows out. And that is time is truly near...and this time I want to do better, so here’s my prayer:


Lord,

I struggle with complete surrender. I know that you’ve done so much, and when I look back, you haven’t failed me yet. My mortal being, and fallible human mental capacity, are unable to understand and comprehend your plan for my life. But I know they are GREAT...I have a vision, but I know yours is better. You are well aware of my wants and desires and do not want to hold those back from me. Sometimes I need help believing this when you don’t answer as fast as I want you too or in the way I think you should, forgive me for this. Thank you for the blessings you have maintained in my life, my health, my strength, food, clothing, shelter, my marriage, my friendships, my job, to name a few. Thank you for the blessings that are too come (those known and unknown…yes I’m claiming it!). Thank you for the peace that you are working on my behalf and for my good through the good and bad. I give you all the praise and honor and just in case you don’t know I love you! Amen!!