Happy New Year

At the end of every year we all take stock of what we've done, and note how much better we're going to do. Somewhere between January 1st and December 31st those goals, hopes and dreams get lost. This is of no fault of ours or those around us, life just happens. Things come up, new priorities become important.

This year, like with most holidays, I wanted to go out to eat to celebrate. But Mr. Moneybags said we had already spent too much on eating out that month, so we stayed home and ate. Which was fine, I guess, since we had quite a bit of leftovers. As I threw stuff together from random other meals to create a new one I had a novel idea. This is what the new year, at least mine, should be about. I already have most of the tools and things I need to do everything I want to do. Using what I have to create better situations and circumstances that are less than desired. Life doesn't end and begin again at beginning of a year. And thank goodness for that, I've learned to much over the years. Relearning all that would take forever. But reality is old problems and habits don't go away because it's a new year.

So I've decided to treat this new year for what it is...a continuation. I'll continue to try to improve what the Lord has blessed me with.

Day 6 - Standing in the gap

"For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment." James 4:2

The promise is slightly hidden in this verse until the end "...mercy rejoiceth against judgement." When I first read this verse it seemed depressing especially given my challenge I was on, to seek out God's promises. Yet, this verse kept on showing up. And only five days later do I get it.

In college sometimes the frivolity of youth leave you less than prepared. Lol. Studying doesn't seem as important until the test is upon you. In those times I found myself praying for the teacher's mercy...and a grade on a curve. I think I learned the most about grading on a curve during calculus. Most times the teacher takes the high grade and makes that an A. What a glorious concept! What a saving grace! This helps fill in the gaps you might have missed. This helped me get a B on calculus.

Grading on a curve helps me understand this verse the best. Yes, you will be judged, which is already a scary concept. You have God's mercy filling in the gaps. God's mercy makes salvation attainable. Now that's a promise!

Day 2 - God's Plan

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord…" Jeremiah 29:11-14a

I have no idea what god's plans are, and the more I think about, it's probably better that way. I already vacillate over what I think i can and can not handle. i think back over situations I thought I would never get through, and realize that I have not only made it, but I have thrived. and i know it's nothing more than God's grace and mercy. 

Day 1 - God meant for Good...

"But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." Genesis 50:20

Trusting that God is taking you through things for good can be a hard and painful experience. When you're in the midst of it, everything seems hopeless. It's hard to see any good, let alone God working on your behalf. Case and point….Ebola. My dear husband is tired of me talking about it. I've been feverishly reading everything about Ebola, and driving myself insane. I was angry at people bringing the Ebola virus over here. Those who came for treatment and those who just ended up here. I was mad that I had to think about it every second of every day (totally my choice). But today  I noticed a trend the people who are overcoming the disease are able to donate plasma. Since they are now producing antibodies they are able to help those with their same blood type. And research for Ebola has stepped up. They are talking mass vaccines within a month or so. Who knows how long this would have taken had it not been for it coming to America. And honestly as terrified as I am about it, maybe it was meant for good. 

30 days of promise and prayer

This is just so necessary. Sometimes it's hard to trust God's promises. But it's where He really reveals himself to us. So it's where my journey starts....

Hope Springs Eternal: An Open Letter to My single friends looking to get married…

So I've been watching the new reality show, or as they like to call it social experiment, called Married at First Sight; and in light of my 6th anniversary, I thought this might be fitting blog.

Dear Friends,

In this day and age, it's difficult to find that special someone, settle down and start a life together. At some point in our friendship I'm sure we have discussed marriage briefly or at length. Perhaps I've given you a false sense of marriage in a complete sense. When you're single sometimes marriage looks like a gift from the gods. Coming home from work and having that special someone waiting there for you. Being able to share those special moments. Buying a house, raising a family, growing old together,  and everything else that make marriage so appealing. But perhaps you have been lulled into a false sense of what marriage might really entail. Or maybe the opposite, perhaps, I've scared you from it all together, this was not my intention.

As I watch marriage romanticized in movies and destroyed in reality TV, I am moved to say something.   First don't get married cause you think you're running out of time or you're in a rush to have children. These are not solid marriage foundations, and will likely bust at the seams at the first sign of conflict. In full disclosure, during my first year of marriage I swore we were doing this whole marriage thing wrong, because everything seem to be going wrong. First off don't believe the hype. Marriage is a full-time commitment that requires a lot of attention much like that of a pet or small, medium or large sized child. And like all living things if it is not taken care of (feed, changed, etc.), it will ultimately die. People know this, but I doubt most people get it.

All couples have disagreements. Most of the good fights happen behind closed doors. And no matter what they tell you, you hardly ever really fight fair. And the truth is fights are hardly ever won playing by rules. But what you should do is remember to mirandize yourself , "everything you say can and will be used against you…" This might help in cut down saying things that might be detrimental to your relationship and/or help prevent fights in the future. Unfortunately every couple is different and has different ways to solve problems, so there's not easy fix to overcoming such hurdles. But it's also important to note that marriage is not a 50/50 thing like most people claim. As I've stated before sometimes it's 30/70 or 80/20 or 100/0. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes you win in theory, but lose in reality.

Marriage just like everything else in life has good days and bad days, but the outside world should never be able to tell those days apart. Your treatment of your spouse should remain fairly constant, despite the day, week, month or even year you are having. The most successful marriages I've seen do 3 major things (there's more but i decided to condense it, you'll thank me later). They are dedicated to one another, their marriage and its success. They respect one another and their marriage. And they are committed to each other and making their marriage work. These are simple principles I know, but they are not a magic bullet. Again marriage takes work, and you have to work even when your partner is not. But remember it's your marriage and it can be anything you want it to be. You are the captain, you can't avoid the storms, but your navigation is imperative to make it through.

On the Real: New Blogs

This blog will always be my first and my favorite, but I'm branching out. I figure it's only fair to spread out my thoughts. And my OCD wants me to keep everything in it's place. So I have started 2 new blogs for the other things I love…food and Josi. This will still be my main blog, showcasing every things that is not covered in other 2. So if you have a chance, check them out. They're still pretty young, so give it some time.

Foodxotic
Blog: http://foodxotic.blogspot.com

SAHM Chronicled
Blog: http://sahmchronicled.blogspot.com

See you there!

Life Updates

Time is flying…there's so much going on. I've wanted to write, but haven't really had the time. Entertaining a 3 month-old is a full-time job. And my muse comes and goes.

But enough with the excuses. First things first, my sweet little girl is 3 months old. And she is developing, so much. She reading the world around her, she's so alert and observant. Every day I see something new she's picked up. And I love being able to see it all.

But I must admit at times though I start to get a little stir crazy. Being home with an infant most of the day can be has it's ups an downs, being exciting and exhausting and complicated and rewarding all at the same time. I figured it would happen. Just need an outlet, a hobby of some sort. Right now we've cut back since I quit my job, so that makes it a little harder to a lot right now. But all is not lost…

On another note, I miss my girls. My tried and true, know-me-so-well-sometimes-it-scares-me friends. Lately, I keep thinking how nice it would be to go out to lunch/dinner and cut lose. I know what you are thinking, make new friends. As we all know this is always easier said than done. I could find some new friends, and well I'm trying….but the learning curve for new friends usually makes me apprehensive. And it in itself is a daunting task, and is not the pet project I want to take on yet.

And next we're moving. This has been so frustrating. We decided to move for more space and a cheaper place. But per our lease, we weren't able too unless we paid 2 months rent or found another renter. So we placed an ad on craigslist and eventually found another renter (not from craigslist, go figure). Then we set off to find a new place. We found one didn't take too long. BTW, I HATE renting in NY, but that's another blog all together. Anyway, everything was set last week. But slowly this week it has slowly started to unravel. The mgmt company is making a big deal about renting our apt. I think it has to do with the fact that our apt is going for about $500 more than we are paying. Which they should have realized earlier and this would have made getting out of our contract easier. And the new landlord is making us jump through hoops like trained seals. Apparently he got burned before, dude I get it, but really. So now this whole move is in limbo, and frankly, I'm tired of dealing with it. Such is life…

I would go on, but most of it is just random musings in my head, those will come soon enough. And I'm tired, so I'll stop at that. All in all everything is ok. God is teaching me, and I am reluctantly learning as always, smh. But He is being patient, and helping me along, as always, smh. So I continue to move forward, until next time. (hopefully this makes sense somewhere around the middle of this blog, a strong urgency to sleep came upon me, so hopefully it's coherent).

New Beginnings

I did it, as of Monday May 12, 2014 I resigned from my job to be a full-time SAHM (stay at home mom). It was an extremely difficult decision, but I'm ready to embrace the challenge.

When Matt and I first got married, we decided that once we started our family I would stay home. At first I was opposed to the idea, determined to do it all. My mom did it and I turned out fine, so I wanted to do it too. But after some coaxing I relented, he made some good points (that happens sometimes lol). Fast forward to last year when I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstastic, but very aware that staying home wasn't an option. But I wasn't worried I had a plan, and I could handle it...

But in actuality I wasn't ready, the minute she was born seemed like a countdown to going back to work. But I tried to enjoy the two and a half months I had with her. Yet the time seem to be slipping away so fast. I begin to panic about going back to work, and since I had not chosen a daycare cause I was on bed rest a month before she was born, I was in a bit of a bind. I had visited one daycare before my leave. While I had researched what to ask and what to look for. I would have not thought to ask how much my baby would be held. How fast her needs would be met, what they would do it she was fussy or just in need of a loving touch. Thinking about it I doubt any answer would have been good enough. And to top it all off the idea of leaving her with perfect strangers was not sitting well. Plus I would be spending $200+ to cross the bridge to Jersey, $450+ in gas, and $1200 for daycare. I was basically giving my up my paycheck to work and have someone else watch my child. And while I really liked my job, it wasn't worth it. 

Most importantly what I didn't realize and wasn't prepared for the extreme emotions, and intense feelings, that come with having a baby. The moment she entered the world my feelings changed. She became the most important thing to me. She depends on me (us) for everything…and i wouldn't have it any other way. I love holding her while she sleeps, when our eyes lock during feeds, being there when she cries out. I just couldn't imagine missing these precious moments. Work will always be there, but she'll only be this small once. And while at times I'm still not sure if I can afford it or if I'll regret it later, I'm truly blessed, and content, to be here with her

Josi's First Photo Shoot

Here's a couple from my little Josi's Photo Shoot

She's Here!

We've been blessed with a *drumroll* healthy, beautiful baby girl. (This was my original guess back in September.) Josilyn Bailey was born March 13, 2014 at 8:37 AM at Lenox Hill via C-section. What's funny was originally I wanted to avoid having a c-section, but my little Josi never turned. She stayed head-up the whole time.

She was a relationship-bulding tool between the Lord and I. This pregnancy challenged me to really leave it all at the alter. The crazy thing is I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. Pray church!

Bedrest

Bedrest has officially started! But soon my little bundle will be here! Pregnancy-induced hypertension which is a result of being preeclamptic is the cause. More to come…

Baby Shower

Just in case I haven't expressed it enough on this blog or anywhere else. My friends (and husband) are awesome. They surprised me and came in town and threw what will be deemed as one of the best baby showers EVER. Here is a video, by Kell, of some of the weekend. Enjoy.




(Super Duper thank you to Candace, Kell, Ebony, Kathy, Jen, Krystle, Danielle, Mellena, Stacie and Deanna)

And did I mention how great God is!!! More to come...

New Year, New Fears

New Year News

It's so easy to focus on the negative, between reading the news or even multiple FB posts. It's hard not to get consumed in everything that can, will, might, could, should, shall go wrong. Even with the abundance of the new prospects of the New Year, the negative stuff just seems to take over. I don't really consider the New Year a new start more like a rejuvenated continuation or a new bolt of energy. But I have to admit in this new year, the WHOLE ten days, I've spent most of those days stressing, anxious and just over all worrying over any and every thing, yes I know I said I'm trying to do better but old habits take time to die. Yesterday morning I purposely recounted one of the biggest blessings I was given last year, on my drive to work, every intimate detail. I did this cause I could literally feel myself falling into a pit of despair, for no real reason at all. And as I started thinking about I wondered how I could doubted that God was moving in my life. And it helped give me something to smile about.

Pregnancy News

I’m 30 weeks…w00t!! Not sure if time is flying or dragging. Some days it’s a little of both. Honestly it kind of feels like an out of body experiences sometimes. I still can’t believe, quite honestly I don’t think I’ve even grasped it yet. It never seems like the right time to panic though. So I just truck along. I’ve been forcing myself to get knee deep in baby stuff, I’ve kind of been avoiding. You see here’s the thing I get anxious when I start to plan for things especially big things, so I put them off. I think it’s mostly excitement, but I procrastinate. When it came to my wedding I didn’t start looking for bridesmaids’ dresses until April for a wedding in August.  The girls’ had to order that week to be able to get them and get alterations in time for the wedding. So fast forward to this baby, we just cleaned out the room and put up a crib. This was a huge deal; it only made sense because we were both off work for the holidays.

I opted to buy a cheaper crib after deciding on an expensive once because I felt like it was a better financial decision and quite frankly because it’s a tiny baby, they can sleep anywhere. And for the first 3 months at least that will probably mean right next to me. Plus having limited space, just didn’t make much sense to get something too big. We’ll save that for later.

Other than that things are going well. Looking forward the new year, and especially, March 2014!

Accepting God's promise

I'm back, finally! After a long hiatus during which I have been nurturing myself the little life inside me. That's right, after five years and countless "when are you having a baby" questions. It's time! This wonderful little bundle of joy as a result of prayer is due March 19, 2014.

Some days I'm over the moon about the prospect of having a baby. But mostly I SCARED to death about it. Not about the birthing process or raising this little bundle. The control freak inside is constantly worried about what is going on inside me right now. The development of a baby is astounding and I have been reading and absorbing everything I can get my hands on, sometimes to my own demise. And all I can say, what an AMAZING journey this has been and will continue to be.

To completely understand let me tell you a story…

After confirming via HPT I decided to go to the doctor. Went to the doctor on Monday everything was fine, she wanted to run some blood tests on Friday, no big deal. So it had started, I was excited, nervous, but excited. In my mind I had decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks which is usually when the initial scare of complications dwindle. So now it was just our secret. But by Wednesday I was having some issues, so off the doctor's I go in EXTREME panic. A couple things to note, I work in NJ and live in NY, my doctor is also in NY, so my 50 min commute only added to my panic. Everything that could go wrong went through my head. Also my doctor was not in the office, so I had to see her partner. After the exam the doctor tells me there's a possibility this might be an ectopic pregnancy (basically a MC), and I'll have to come in on Monday to be sure. I calmly accept this news, and go home. Once in the comfort of my home, I begin to cry profusely at the idea of this happening. I spend the next three days trying to grasp the reality of what is potentially about to happen.

I spend Sabbath home, crying, panicking, and repeating. I hoped for an online church experience that would lift my spirits. As the day progressed, so did my anxiety; until it hit me, why should I have to wait for someone else to help me approach the throne of grace? And so I started praying, every hour on the hour. Praying for the health of my child, certain ailments that still had not left my body, for our future as a family, I took my concerns and laid them at the alter. Monday arrived and before I could even get out the door, the tears started to flow. Trusting in God to make the right decision for your live is the only way to live, but it is also the HARDEST way to live. A quick prayer and we were off to learn our fate.

Side note: I must give a shout out to my Husband. If there is one defining moment throughout this experience I remember the most it's his very real advice. While he scoffed at my plan not to tell anyone until 12 weeks (cause he said I wouldn't be able to hold it in that long). And with everything going on I was even more pressed to not tell anyone what was going on. He explained that I needed support either way and that not telling anyone (if the worst happened) would not make not have happened. So simple yet so profound...Hiding would only makes things worst....wise man, that's part of why I married him and might keep him around. ;)

My heart was jumping out of my chest when I walked in the doctor's office. It was a whirlwind of events. She confirmed that there was indeed something there, and even noted its tiny little flicker of a heartbeat. If you never been astounded by God's grace and mercy...I’m here to testify. God had worked a miracle on our behalf, and I couldn't even find the words to thank Him. What makes this even more amazing is that I had read forums that say you could see a heartbeat at six weeks, but for most people it was rare. I prayed that God would do that for me as a promise. And He did it. Simply ASTOUNDED, and humbled by God goodness to me.

That should have been enough for me to shout it from the mountain top. God said it, and so it going to happen. But I still approached the situation very cautiously. Telling only our parents, and two close friends, and swearing them to secrecy until 12 weeks. "Oh ye of little faith..." I know in an earlier post I talked about giving God more than a mustard seed, but the sad truth is sometimes that's all I have to give. The truth is I fall short spiritually and I know I have to get better to receive what God truly has in store for me. So for weeks I was extremely cautious and still quite paranoid. Reminding myself constantly that God's got this and it's in His hands. Yet here I am relying on ultrasounds, sonograms, and heartbeat monitors to give me peace about the baby. When God has already confirmed and stamped it with His promise!

Fast forward to today, 18 weeks, and I'm still paranoid *hangs head*. I get panicked when I feel a twinge, I get paranoid when I feel great, and it literally NEVER ends. :-\ God is watching out for this baby, obviously. It's me with the problem, I can admit that. But today I am vowing to do better. This faith journey I am on, I'm not alone. I have some amazing people who are praying for me. And God has been there every step of the way. My goal is to really let Him be the captain of this vessel, and with the extra precious cargo I'm carrying I wouldn't mind that one bit.

My Faith Journey

The ultimate faith journey has started, not sure if I'm ready, but this was what prayed for. God is good, even when I doubt His goodness. He hasn't failed me yet.

On the Real

I've been wanting to blog for a while now, even had titles and everything. And now that I have the time, I am drawing a blank. So I guess I do what I always do when I am in this predicament...ramble. First, let me say I did honestly I expect to reveal something really big (see previous post), but it's not the time. And at this rate I don't know when it will be a good time, but when it is, you’ll be almost first to know.

In my post last year on April 16 "The Update" I noted how I was looking for some sort of familiarity that makes being here (New York) more comfortable. And in my July 12th post I weighed in about the good and bad of  moving to New York. Well this weekend that all seem to be brought into perspective after a cabin trip on the lake with some ladies from my church. Initially I declined going because of an impending trip of my aunt's to NYC. After agonizing (I'm sure to Matt's discontent) over it I decided to go. I was anxious about going because I didn't want to be a bad niece, I didn't want to leave Matt alone to host, and quite frankly, I didn't know who was going on the camping trip, so it could have been a disaster. My aunt decided not to come at the last minute (yes I was still agonizing over this even after she told me it was ok if I went), and I truly enjoyed the company.

We had fun eating, cooking, hiking, swimming, shopping and talking. I miss having friends to get together with and do nothing, but have fun being together. I told them that I don't like making new friends (which is a common theme throughout this blog starting after I graduated college). I hate the pomp and circumstance of it all, I hate the feeling of trying to get them up-to-date with my life and personality, I hate the awkward in-between phases, it's like dating without the 3 F's free dinner, flowers, and flirting. But I have to say I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with this ladies, it was easy. Didn’t feel forced, there was a calmness about the experience. There's a little piece of me that says eventually it'll get harder, but I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And for the record hard is not always bad if the person is worth it, hence my approaching five year anniversary (Hey boo!).

There was also some God and Jailyn time (these are usually lessons I need to get). Something told me to get gas before I left, but in my haste and overenthusiasm to get there I didn't stop, plus I took a bunch of little back roads with no gas stations. So by the time I got there I was near E, but I got to the cabin and no one was there and I had no signal. So I drove to the nearest town to get gas, they only had regular (Audi's need Super or Premium), just my luck and the nearest station with super or premium 12 miles away O_o...and still no signal. So I got a little annoyed and upset (I'm seriously working on this I'll explain my progress later). At first I was upset as I drove to get gas there, constantly checking for cell service. Finally made it 15 m ins later to the gas station, after filling my tank, my cell service was restored, just in time. And after I called to get directions, just like that service was gone again. Won't He do it?! But only after you heed his warning, if I would have not gone the distance, who knows where I would have gotten stranded. If I had been able to call I would have never gone to the gas station, and even though the Lord might have been merciful and gotten to the nearest gas station before I ran out of gas, I’m glad he chose this way instead. Even when I don't understand He continues to provide His assistance which never fails to amaze me.

Won't He do it!

It’s blogging time since I’m in my last two days here (and frankly I'm not doing a thing)…

It seems when I finally surrender and let go and let God things start falling into place *must learn this lesson.* I get so thick headed sometimes, most times, when it comes to letting go and letting God. He’s awesome, He’s always been awesome and will continue to be awesome. Just when I think He’s left me in the dark, I start to see the light. I think it’s Him whispering *trust me, I’ve got this.* He's showing up and showing out and I'm not hating.

So my testimony begins…I needed a new job. The one I got when I first moved here was not cutting it in so many ways. {For more details see me.} Anywho I prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and prayed and cried and prayed to no avail. God was not listening, I was convinced, so I starting sulking. And to make matters worse my job wasn’t the only thing I needed God to come through in a BIG way for. So I did what most of us start to do when we think God’s ideal doesn't fit inside our box, I tried bargaining…this for that, that for this. Knowing full well that God could in fact give it ALL to me, as a friend reminded me...sometimes you need the covering words of others in your life. Their positive attitudes and prayers can  make a huge difference. Even still all I could think is why would He want to do that though. Why would the Lord want to do anything for me after I had acted like a brat?? Why would care if one or even all of my prayers were answered?? Because he loves me and wants to best for me even when I refuse to acknowledge what the best might be. Because I am His, fearfully and wonderfully made, and He takes care of his own.

His deliverance has come....I am happy to report that the Lord has seen fit to remove me from this job and give me an opportunity someplace else, but that's just the beginning. A while back I stopped applying to jobs because I was tired of the rejection. But I also knew I couldn’t stay here much longer. I also acknowledged my inability to make good decisions on my own, so I left it at the Lord's feet...while constantly reminding Him it was there. So when I got a call out of the blue I should have known it was already it was ordained.

However, with it being 2.5 hours via public transportation and since we have no car; this seemed like a pipe dream. Thanks God, waving it in front of me knowing I can’t have it. I went to the interview out of courtesy. {For more details see me.} After some thought I decided to take it because it’s more of a career stepping stone than this job will ever be (plus these people...smh), and quite frankly because I believe God ordained it. He did it for me! But He didn't stop there, originally they wanted to start the 20th which would have given me no days off, I wanted at least a week (selfishly), but when I talked to the HR coordinator they had pushed back my start date until June 3rd...two week vacay (no paycheck, but we'll survive)!!

Even after God had worked that out, I still needed more. My next issue, who was taking the train/bus/subway for 2.5 hours?? Not I…we had to get a car. so I did what I do best…panicked…even after the Lord had just placed this amazing blessing in my life. I took a moment to gather myself watched the Lord work! Finding a car can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But won't my God do it?! He found us a car, and not just any car…the car we planned getting when we "needed" a car again. And within our price range, well $1500 over, but I’m not complaining.

When the floodgates are open, don’t ask just receive…He’ll do it! He'll do it all and more cause He wants the best for you! But wait there’s more…the BIGGEST blessing of them all!!! (It’ll have to wait until next time…this needs a post all it's own.)

Wrestling with (against) God

“When life moves at a crazy pace and your hopes and dreams seem to wash away and your options seem to dissipate…turn your heart and simply think of ME…”


Last week was CRAZY! It was one of those weeks that went by in a blur. I spent 99.8% stressing about anything and everything (I was trying to sleep the other .2% of the time). There were new stressors every day and new things to worry about. I began to even worry about my worrying. It was one of those weeks...I was tired, frustrated, angry, apprehensive, distraught, mad, sad, depressed, repressed, anxious, curious, restless, and the list goes on, mostly, I was confused and hurt. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, it was one of those weeks I wish I was invisible, or at least I had a black hole to fall into. I felt like the Lord was ignoring me (I still think he kind of was…sometimes it has to be that way for me to get “it”).

The long and short of it was I wanted to Lord to answer my prayers, and if He didn’t want to do that the least He could do was give me a reason why. I wanted God to tell me why, when, what, how…why not now…when then…what did I do and what do I do now…how much longer do I have to wait…ha! I recently read Job and realized that when God answers the “why” it’s a courtesy not requirement. You weren’t there when it all began and you might not be there after it ends, so ultimately it’s not about you. I struggled (am currently struggling) with this. Although I understand it a bit more now, or more or less I’ve accepted that I might not understand or be able to comprehend until later.

Anyway so I spent most of last week lamenting over EVERYTHING. I begged, I pleaded, I cried. And nothing…nothing….nothing. Silence! So I got angry and despondent. God was (is) making me wait. I think in the back of my mind I knew, but I hoped He’d change his mind if I asked enough. I begged God to take my mustard seed and work a miracle on my behalf as He has done before, which in response was an “imagine if you gave me more…a kidney bean or even cantaloupe…” Imagine if I gave God EVERYTHING and just let Him work. I know easier said than done, but prayfully possible.

So where am I now? Honestly, I’m still in a bit of a rut. I know that in the end God will show up and show out, but I can’t see how, and that still scares me a bit. I will say this letting go and letting God is more than a notion. In the past I have “let go and let God” and worried (and worked) until a solution surfaced much to my distress. But this time is different, this time God wants more…*refers to prayer in previous post*…and so I wait, surrender, watch, and pray.

Perhaps I occupy time praying for those who really need it, maybe even more than me…an old coworker who just lost her father almost a year later to the day that she lost her mother…an pastor in Cali and his wife, who’s little girl is fighting for her life (born 17 weeks early, only 1.5 pounds)…those injured in the Boston Marathon and their families…those grieving…a friend who just lost her brother…friends struggling with life-altering decisions…we are ALL standing the need of prayer. Starts to put things in perspective…

The Mystery in the Surrender...

It’s been too long!! I had an idea of what I wanted to write, but I just read one of old blogs and was so blessed (http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2012/03/testimony-time-nothing-comes-from.html ). I struggle with my surrender to God, I know he’s got my best interest at heart. It’s the fear of the unknown. It’s my doubt that He’ll really do what is best. And sometimes that it will be too hard. Sometimes you have to step on faith. I’m in the middle of one of those waiting periods, and as nerve-wrecking as it I know God will work it out. The reality is it may not come when you want it, but it’ll be there right on time. It’s the time after I have cried, moaned and ultimately surrended that the Lord truly surprises me and shows up and shows out. And that is time is truly near...and this time I want to do better, so here’s my prayer:


Lord,

I struggle with complete surrender. I know that you’ve done so much, and when I look back, you haven’t failed me yet. My mortal being, and fallible human mental capacity, are unable to understand and comprehend your plan for my life. But I know they are GREAT...I have a vision, but I know yours is better. You are well aware of my wants and desires and do not want to hold those back from me. Sometimes I need help believing this when you don’t answer as fast as I want you too or in the way I think you should, forgive me for this. Thank you for the blessings you have maintained in my life, my health, my strength, food, clothing, shelter, my marriage, my friendships, my job, to name a few. Thank you for the blessings that are too come (those known and unknown…yes I’m claiming it!). Thank you for the peace that you are working on my behalf and for my good through the good and bad. I give you all the praise and honor and just in case you don’t know I love you! Amen!!