The (My) Situation
My last year in college I started a 'lifestyle change.' I started working out twice a day, I rid my diet of anything made with white flour, reduced my portion size, stop eating cheese and fried foods, I counted calories…I was on a roll. I lost a decent amount of weight, I didn't go from fat to thin in a matter of months, but I did ok for the regime I put myself on. Soon after I graduated and life began to change, and I wasn't able to do all the stuff I was doing like the workouts, but I managed to get at least one workout in a day and still watch what I was eating…of course this created little to no change. Thus my frustration sets in and caused a setback, and thus the cycle I continuously get in. My love and hate relationship with my weight and all that other jazz.
From as far back as I can remember I have been 'trying' to loose weight. I had to be between 8 and 10 when I first went to weight watchers. I wasn't as big as some of the kids you see on TV just a little chubby; since my mom was going I went with her. Not sure how long that lasted, but at 13 I joined a gym; I knew how to work all the machines. Despite how I look I have been exercising all my life…maybe not hard enough. :/ Anywho at 17 I got a personal trainer, who kicked my butt thoroughly…the first day I thought I was going to die! In college I made a conscience effort to eat better and exercise more which resulted in losing 20 pounds. This prompted me to get a gym membership during summer vacation. The year after I left college, the first time ever I tried a dietary supplement. The caffeine was too much for my body, and had terrible adverse effects. This year I tried to balance myself with exercising and eating, and not go too overboard. I had some success losing 10 pounds. However, I had to have surgery on my toe, so I was out of commission for a while, and I lost my flare to do much of anything for a while, so once again I had a slight setback. The seesaw that comes with me working out and eating right tortures the very nature of my core, but it's what I do.
The (My) Environment
I grew up vegetarian, I started eating chicken (in public) when I got to college (stopped by my junior year and decided to only eat certain types of fish)…lol. I grew in a house where eating after 6 PM was frowned upon, so in college I had no late night binges except for occasionally 2 bean burritos at Taco Bell on Saturday night (cut a girl some slack). We did not have a ton of junk food in our house, I rarely; if ever buy chips, cookies, juice, for my house. I try to eat no later than 7:30, which I think is terribly late. I love fresh veggies and fruit. I also love mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, bread, pizza, French fries, bean burritos, cinnabons, pretzels, well you get the point. I, like most, have some good and bad habits and it's a daily struggle to keep them all in check.
Ever heard the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, well the apple holds even more characteristics of the tree than you think. The apple is the way it is because of the tree. So before I start off this section I will state this disclaimer…I love my mother to death and I am very much like her in a lot of ways, but I hope this tradition dies soon. (She also recently explained why she does this and it's because of my grandmother…vicious cycle) One of my friends once said 'your mom is always on a diet.' My mom lives on a diet, I don't ever think I've seen her not on a diet or about to get on one…smh…If you have ever met my mom, she is usually talking about some diet she is/was/going on. And true to form most of her sisters, and my cousins, are always on a diet or about to 'lose' weight. I have never been to a family gathering where the subject of weight and weight lost does not rear its ugly head. They are constantly exchanging diet and weight lost tips, showing how much they lost, and so on and so forth. However, most people in my family are not thin or even close to it. O_O …plain and simple, we as a family, struggle with weight.
Next, I'm married now (if you didn't already know hence the anniversary blog *shrug*), and I married into a family that is the totally opposite of mine. None of them seem to struggle or dwell on weight as much as my family does. Most of them are vegan which could be part, but most of them are naturally skinny. Lucky Duckies... *Gulp* I know I stick out like a sore thumb in this family…I know for a fact by the way I was treated during my wedding planning and such. *Sigh* I still struggling with that, but I am slowly trying to get over it (gonna take some time). As a matter of fact it is because of that I still feel uncomfortable around them (there I said it).
My friends are all shapes and sizes, but most are have some curves (even the skinny ones…lol). I have always felt the most comfortable around my friends, and discussing weight with some of them. However I know for a fact, a lot of them are struggling with the same issue, and in the same way I am. For some of them it has torn down their self-esteem and made it hard for them to love themselves. When I think of the hurt their weight causes, I am hurt and upset. I am angry it even had to come to this. I have seen a lot of them struggle silently and out loud with this issue. While I don't think it's fair it like most things is a learning process and has to do dealt with as so.
The (My) Hate
I hate people who can eat whatever they want, whenever they want and it'll very rarely catch up with them. (I married someone like that. I pray my children have his metabolism or are excellent runners.) I hate watching what I eat…sigh…I hate having to exercise to maintain my 'fatness'…I hate the fact I may never be skinny (whatever that is)…I hate the guilty feeling I get when I don't exercise especially after I eat a big meal…the guilty feeling I get for eating a big meal. I hate that I have always been surrounded by people (my family) who define themselves in how big or small they are. I hate that my weight makes others uncomfortable. I hate that for years I thought it was my weight keeping guys away (it was really my wit, attitude and intimidation techniques…haha). I hate that I will probably struggle with weight forever. I hate that I will forever be doomed to pay extreme attention exercise and what I eat. I hate that my beauty will never be good enough to some because of my size. I hate that I hate…
The (My) Anger and Resentment
People say it's about 'getting healthy', but not when we are focusing on our sizes. 'I don't want to be a size 14.' 'I can't believe I have to buy a 16 in this dress.' 'All I want to do it be a healthy size 8.' Since when was a 6, 8 or even 2, healthy? We are constantly defining ourselves by standards that have nothing to do with health. There are more things more important than dress size like…blood pressure? Are you at risk for hypertension or diabetes? I understand the pressure of making the cut, but at what expense? My sanity…I hope not I can not lose any more of that…lol. My anger comes from not telling people to "SHUT UP" giving me health tips, teas, soups, and any diet that helps me lose the weight. I don't need your tips, keep them to yourself. My anger and resentment is toward me for being so gullible and so naïve. For allowing others (people I know and love to the general media) define me and what I think is beautiful. My anger comes from the fact that for years I have lost weight for others. My resentment comes from the fact that most time when talking or thinking about weight it is because I am thinking about others perception of me and not my own. Yes, I am tired of the being the fat, heavy-set, big, obese, large, stout girl, lady, woman to myself, and seemingly, those around me, but perhaps this is who I will always be unless I change MY attitude. My anger and resentment falls on me for not thinking better of myself. Ultimately I am to blame for my anger and resentment because ultimately it was caused by me. Yet I still must ask when does the cycle end, when does one reach contentment? When I'm a size 6? 130 pounds? Possibly but I’ve never been close to either one of those, so really who knows?! Contentment can only be reach when I become more than just my weight, when it truly just the number on the scale and not the reason to fall short.
The (My) Solution (or something like it)
I'll probably struggle with this all my life, but my goal is to not to let it control me. Truth be told I more awesome than I think sometimes, size should not be a defining factor, and I have to always remember that. If healthy is the ultimate goal, I will do what I need to do to be healthy, and forsake all else. I want to lose weight and get healthy for myself and this is why I have to first defy the things that hold me back. I have to do things on my own and at my own pace. I can not look to others and their ides of me or their accomplishments. Too many times I compare my success to those around me. I am determined to control my destiny in this just like I do with anything else in my life. My first goal has been making this realization and achieve acceptance for myself, and hopefully, contentment will follow.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Happy Anniversary (Finally)
I decided this year that cards will never do any justice to show how I really feel. They are great in a pinch, but nothing says it like the words from my heart. And to have yearly reminder that will live forever which I think is fabulous. It's like shouting my love from the mountain top and the echo continues forever.
So here it goes...
All the marriage advice I ever want to give is in What I learned after being married 1 year, 5 months, 10 days and counting...I am no therapist nor do I claim to be. Nor do I think I have a picture perfect marriage or am I the poster child for one. I do believe that I have found a good fit for me and what works for me.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment I feel in love, or explain what it feels like or tell you what you might be missing. Love is best described to me as 'to each his own'...What I can say is you can't always help who you fall in love with (although some people really try…), but you can definitely choose who you marry... four years later I'm still happy with the person I fell in love with and two years later I still happy with th person who I married... More importantly I am happy they were both one in the same. I won't romanticize or idolize my marriage...we have disagreements, flaws and faults. I know I will never be perfect and neither will he...and I am ok with that...for now ...kidding …but seriously that is what makes MY (I stress my because well this is my blog and it’s about me…lol) marriage work. Knowing the good, bad and ugly and still loving.
The biggest thing I realized once I got married is the amount of surrender that happens, most people (even I) resist, but eventually submit to for it is truly where the secret in marriage lies in my opinion. You never want to feel dependent on one person, mainly because we (society) have made it such a big deal to be in control and in charge. But the more I live, learn and love I realize that surrender (dependence) can be sweet…sweet surrender…a warm place where comfort abounds and love is free to grow and prosper. That sweet surrender is the safe feeling you have with your partner, it doesn't make your marriage perfect, but it helps you to know where you belong, and who has your back.
So to my best friend and life partner…I love you. I made a vow 2 years ago through sickness and health, better or worst, richer or poorer that I would love you. And I am trying daily to keep up my end of the bargain. I thank you for accepting me as I am even when it's dificult to do so…here's to another year of fun and friendship together.
Love,
Yours Truly xoxo
So here it goes...
All the marriage advice I ever want to give is in What I learned after being married 1 year, 5 months, 10 days and counting...I am no therapist nor do I claim to be. Nor do I think I have a picture perfect marriage or am I the poster child for one. I do believe that I have found a good fit for me and what works for me.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment I feel in love, or explain what it feels like or tell you what you might be missing. Love is best described to me as 'to each his own'...What I can say is you can't always help who you fall in love with (although some people really try…), but you can definitely choose who you marry... four years later I'm still happy with the person I fell in love with and two years later I still happy with th person who I married... More importantly I am happy they were both one in the same. I won't romanticize or idolize my marriage...we have disagreements, flaws and faults. I know I will never be perfect and neither will he...and I am ok with that...for now ...kidding …but seriously that is what makes MY (I stress my because well this is my blog and it’s about me…lol) marriage work. Knowing the good, bad and ugly and still loving.
The biggest thing I realized once I got married is the amount of surrender that happens, most people (even I) resist, but eventually submit to for it is truly where the secret in marriage lies in my opinion. You never want to feel dependent on one person, mainly because we (society) have made it such a big deal to be in control and in charge. But the more I live, learn and love I realize that surrender (dependence) can be sweet…sweet surrender…a warm place where comfort abounds and love is free to grow and prosper. That sweet surrender is the safe feeling you have with your partner, it doesn't make your marriage perfect, but it helps you to know where you belong, and who has your back.
So to my best friend and life partner…I love you. I made a vow 2 years ago through sickness and health, better or worst, richer or poorer that I would love you. And I am trying daily to keep up my end of the bargain. I thank you for accepting me as I am even when it's dificult to do so…here's to another year of fun and friendship together.
Love,
Yours Truly xoxo
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Family Secrets
I'm sitting here wanting to blog, and I was going to write my anniversary blog tonight. However I was interrupted by a phone call from my aunt (the 3rd time tonight...5th time in a week), and I answered. Needless to say I will not be writing my anniversary blog tonight. But since I am at the computer and my aunt is giving me amo I will blog.
Most of my conversations with my aunt are incoherent and consist mainly of me listening and her talking (a lot of my conversations with a lot of my aunts are like that...lol). However, this aunt is much, much different than the others. I am beginning to think that something is wrong. Why do I think that? Welp the signs of distress are clearly there. I wish I could help, but still waters run deep. Still waters...the place where secrets are buried. Waters that I am just learning about and secrets that lie far beyond the surface. Every family has secrets kept hidden away. Secrets that bind them. Secrets that tear them apart. Secrets that do more harm than good. Secrets that destroy families.
If I had to guess I would imagine that God gave us families to give us a place that's familiar, a place where we feel love. He gave us people who we can count on, supposedly, through thick and thin. When did family become a place of disappointment, failure, and insecurity? When will that open honest atmosphere reappear? A place where we feel welcomed, a place where we can express ourselves? A place where love abounds? When does the healing start? When do we start to help? When do we finally take notice that the secrets that we have are what keep us apart?
I think this all happens when we start taking notice of the problems and address them. When we no longer turn a blind eye to what is going on. When we step up to the plate and realize you didn't choose your family nor did they choose you but this is what you have to work with. Life if complicated enough without the secrets...choose contentment and family over the secrets.
Most of my conversations with my aunt are incoherent and consist mainly of me listening and her talking (a lot of my conversations with a lot of my aunts are like that...lol). However, this aunt is much, much different than the others. I am beginning to think that something is wrong. Why do I think that? Welp the signs of distress are clearly there. I wish I could help, but still waters run deep. Still waters...the place where secrets are buried. Waters that I am just learning about and secrets that lie far beyond the surface. Every family has secrets kept hidden away. Secrets that bind them. Secrets that tear them apart. Secrets that do more harm than good. Secrets that destroy families.
If I had to guess I would imagine that God gave us families to give us a place that's familiar, a place where we feel love. He gave us people who we can count on, supposedly, through thick and thin. When did family become a place of disappointment, failure, and insecurity? When will that open honest atmosphere reappear? A place where we feel welcomed, a place where we can express ourselves? A place where love abounds? When does the healing start? When do we start to help? When do we finally take notice that the secrets that we have are what keep us apart?
I think this all happens when we start taking notice of the problems and address them. When we no longer turn a blind eye to what is going on. When we step up to the plate and realize you didn't choose your family nor did they choose you but this is what you have to work with. Life if complicated enough without the secrets...choose contentment and family over the secrets.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
The Best of ...Anita Baker
Today is an Anita Baker day, the opposite of a #yellow day. It's a day of reflection. Well it's actually a month of reflection. I'll share some through my journey.
But for today I want to write about Anita Baker, one of my favorite artist. If you know me then you know I LOVE Anita Baker, second only to Boyz II Men. I love her voice, her classic style and her songs. Each song speaks in volumes. From Lead Me into Love where she begs to be guided into a place of magic where lovers reside. To Ain't No Need To Worry, her powerful gospel ballad with the Winans that assures that there is no need to worry what tomorrows gonna bring, it'll be all over in the morning. And nothing says it like I Apologize. What relationship is not without conflict? In this song she explains the trials of those conflicts and the necessaity of an apology sometimes. You're My Everything says it all...plain and simple. And what's love without the Mystery?
One of my absolute favorites is Fairy Tales that speaks of the truths that most of us miss because of the fantasies that remember from fairy tales. Like We Used To Do with Babyface makes me want to sway, all though it reminisces of where love sometimes goes wrong. Nothing is classic as Angel....and You're the Best Thing Yet. And who can forget Just Because about accepting destiny and running with it, being loved just because you are you. And who can forget Body and Soul she pleads to be loved body and soul, that along with Same Ole Love "from beginning to end, 365 days of the year..." This one makes me want to close my eyes and rock "'I've always told you I'd give anything...Whatever it takes to make you happy, whatever it takes to make you smile, whatever it takes to make you feel good." Anita's You Bring Me Joy captures the feeling of new and true love. And what more could anyone ask for but that you give them the best that you've got, and Giving the You the Best That I Got says just that ('I bet everything on my wedding ring'). No One in the World can love like that special one and Anita does her best to let them know.
Words left unspoken can cause for far too many questions, which is why It's Been You leaves us knowing it all. Anita shows her strong side in No More Tears, sometimes your eyes dry out, and all you can do is move on. Love free of shame and boast-worthy, that's Sweet Love. It's not always easy, but sometimes you got to let it out. Anita encourages shelter from the storm of life and relaxing your pride long enough to get it off your chest in Talk to Me. Ever had love that keeps a smile on your face? Yep, nothing like it...that Good Love! And if that works soon you'll be Caught Up in the Rapture with nothing but sweet memories in the end, How Does It Feel?
In the end, I really appreciate the music Anita Baker creates. She possess a true unique gift in her voice. I can listen to her and truly reflect. Her music speaks of real life...love and lost, the good and the bad, the truths and the misconceptions. In a time and era when it's hard to find music I like. I rest in fact that at one time it did exist. Here's to you Anita! Happy listening!
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