I don't care...at least for now

Disclaimer: This is my blog! Mine. My blog is my blog. I write on it what I want... when I want. I blog because I want to because I LOVE to write. I write because it's freeing...no judgement just my words uninhibited. Nothing. It's a way to clear my head. And at this point I write cause I don't care...what you think. *exhales*

Random Passing Thoughts

It looks so beautiful outside…can't wait to get out there! And it's the weekend…YAY! Finally, this week I've gotten less than adequate sleep, and my body doesn't know how to act. Oh well. Anyway spring is here, GEEKED! Even though spring here last all of a week. First, it warms up then it cools down, then it jumps to hot. :-/ Next time I move, I'm moving somewhere they have all the seasons (especially my two favorites spring and fall).

Sitting here bopping to Cece Winans "I am" and thinking about the things I say then regret. Slightly annoyed I have to adapt to my surroundings because people are sensitive…and annoyed that I am sensitive cause of their sensitivity. I'm such a softy sometimes. Oh great now, Kirk Franklin's "More Than I can Bare" is on. Creepy guy keeps coming over to the breakroom and staring in my cube. I hate sitting across from the breakroom. He's so creepy...being here with him alone...smh. He probably wants to chat…Pass. 

I am very sensitive (internally) to people's words. I rarely share my sensitivity, I usually try to get over it. And I can forgive, but I very rarely forget…a blessing and a curse. I like this song. Probably because it reminds me of my teenage years. Good times. It has a good message too. I need to get this CD on my phone ASAP. I liked most of the songs. I like Kirk Franklin, thinking about picking up his new CD. I am using a lot of commas, some correct, some not, but it's to show the pauses that I have in my thinking.

I should do more of these random passing thought post more often. They are so much fun. It's like emptying your brain. I promised to help someone do something Saturday night, now I am mad I did although I don't have any plans. Alright, Marvin Sapp "Praise Him in Advance," someone had that line as a gtalk status "…praise will confuse the enemy…" didn't realize it came from this song. I knew it sounded familiar. Lol. I finished Women of Brewster Place for the second time. I like that movie, people say For Colored Girls is a remake of that. I think both movies help give black woman a voice. Most times we are portrayed as crazy these movies show our sensitive, vulnerable side which helps make us stronger (makes sense in my head).

I will probably post this without a proofread, so excuse any errors (or don't…I don't care either way…ha!). You know what I hate…people not following through with stuff they said they were going to do. I HATE THAT. If you said you were coming to call me back, or text me back. Or invite me over for dinner. Or have lunch with me. Or listen to a song I wrote. Or gtalk me back. Or start a new hobby. DO IT! I hate the lack of discipline some people have. Bygones.

Yes! Clark sisters "Is My Living in Vain?" bops head….*pretends to play the keyboard* I sooo happy right now (despite my minor annoyance)! I think that's my usually thing. I need to get annoyed (and be less internally sensitive) less. :-| Note to self…

Ok, I could do this for a while, but I this post would be super du duper long. So I'll stop here…and bid you a happy, spring filled weekend. *still bopping to The Clark Sisters*

From Extrovert to Introvert by Circumstances...

First, you must know that I am/was currently/once was an extrovert. I was drawn to all things social. I held class or student association office every year throughout high school and college. I was involved in numerous other school and church activities. I always had something going on at my house during the weekends. I can not remember a time when I wasn't a social butterfly...well until now. 


I feel like what was once a social butterfly is going back in time to become a catepillar. I'm no Emily Dickinson (that's who I think of when I think introvert...I know it's a bit extreme), but at times I feel close compared to my former self.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with being an introvert, but I guess I just never expected it to be my story. It feels as though my wings have been clipped. I still like to hang out, but being alone has become quite appealing. But at times, I must admit, this causes a debilating jealousy for those who still have a social life, but I guess I've learned to shurg it off to life. 


Some may chalk this change up to my maturity and need to move up and on, but some think it is merely a chance of circumstances. The theories of both are plausible. Perhaps in my youth I was more prone to want company, but now in my adulthood I am statisfied being by myself. Or perhaps because I have less like-minded people around me available to keep me company, I am less likely to want to hang out and, therefore, have no choice by to be be myself (both theories suck and exploring them further would just make me head hurt, so I'll leave it at that).


I suppose either way I need to be contentment, my ultimate goal in life, which means embracing my new found (potential) introvert personality....*here's to solitude*

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I'm blogging for the sake of blogging, is there any better reason anyway? And I've been encouraging a lot of people to blog recently. In my experience it is such a freeing experience. It just gives me the chance to get stuff out there and off your chest. It also helps me organize my thoughts, which trust me, the mind of a genius is hard to organize (LOL).  I find that is keeps me connected to where I am in life...it's basically an online journal. And I am a journaling freak, so I love it. That's one thing I love to do journal, I have a ton of them. I make it a habit to go back and read old blog posts and journals. I like to see where I was compared to where I am, in hopes that I have advanced. Sometimes the growth is quite surprising. However, I do realize that blogging and journaling takes a lot of discipline, but since it is something I love. It comes naturally. Now that I have gone off on a tangent...lol...Long story short, I love to write. And if you don't have a blog or journal get one and start releasing TODAY!

Next in Jailyn news, 2010 was the year of my personal transformation, tragedy and ultimately, triumph. I blogged in very, very vague detail about some of what was going on, but it was a muffled cry for help not heard/seen by many. And that is ok because the truth is there were so many lessons I needed to learn. Most people don't know how tough last year was for me, I was having a TON of issues. I shared with less than a hand full of people. I tried to talk to people about what was going on, but so many times it never went over well or I just didn't feel comfortable enough to tell people. Mainly for the fear of being judged or being dismissed. I kept most of how I felt bottled up with slight overflowings here and there. I prayed daily for a better support system to help me along. Recently, the Lord has allowed some people in my life to open up to me and helped me realize that I am not alone. I have found a good support system of people who I can finally release too. At first I was thinking, where were these people when I needed them? Ugh! However the more I thought about it the more I realized that the Lord needed me to take that time to lean on Him. I had lost that feeling that He was in control because i was so out of control. I am restoring the joy that i had lost, a continuous process as always, but a rewarding one. In building these new relationships I have realized the flaws that I have now in my current and prior friendships. I have developed some bad habits; my hope is that theses do not hinder my ability to be a great friend.

Ultimately, my goal for this year is to create a path to get to happy contentment... strange I know, but bare with me. We spend so much of our lives chasing people, dreams and goals. Is this really what is going to make us happy? Perhaps my path to happiness involves more of an internal acceptance than the things I seek. Right now, today, my path consists of me relaxing on the start of the weekend. It also consists of me taking note of a HUGE blessing the Lord has seen fit to grant me with. There are so many things that keep me off the path of happiness, but this year will be different by God's grace. The plan is too be more focused and driven to make staying on the path my number #1 goal. Wish me luck and hope to see you along the way...