Rejecting life lessons and blaming God

So...I hate early morning phone calls cause they only mean a few things...This early morning phone call was about my grandma. She was having some issues and went into the hospital last week and hasn't left since. My mother called this morning telling me she was in code blue (needs CPR) and basically her heart had stopped. (Deep breath) they started it again and she's stable. This on top of other problems feels like a weight on my chest. But in retrospect I should be praising God.

My grandmother raised 11 children. Eight of which were hers, 2 adopted and 1 foster child that she had since she was 5 months, who now is 28 and is taking care of her and my grandfather. She also aided in the care of 60 + foster children throughout her lifetime. This prompted the eclectic family that I now have, many of her children have adopted children or been foster parents. The 11 children she raised were mostly raised off my grandfather's salary of a teacher (and he cleaned offices at night with a MBA) and her sporadic cleaning jobs. My aunts and uncles never went hungry always had a roof over their head, and each was given the opportunity to go to college. My grandmother has lived a full life and has the story to prove it.

Reading the top part alone makes me thankful, but to some it might seem unfair that my grandmother is going through this. The reality is God has been really good to her and maybe this is a lesson for those around her.
It a lesson for us to cherish the time we have left with her and remember the good times we had with her.

I, personally, believe dealing with life situations are more about finding the lessons in them. I'm blessed to have always had food, clothing shelter, people who love me, and health (which many of us take for granted). If tomorrow all those things were gone, would I be hurt, mad, upset, scared, and angry. Yes! All human emotions...all completely natural and normal. But the fact of the matter is looking back I have nothing but praises because...
the good has outweighed the bad. Is my attitude sustainable? On good days...but it's something I'm working on.

You get pregnant at 18 because of the choice you made (not God's fault). You have cancer (result of sin, and for the scientists, genetic traits possibly, also not God's fault). You lose a loved one (once again sin, not God's fault). Though these situations can have tragic consequences or repercussions they are not God's fault nor sometimes are they yours. But the fact of the matter is in some of these situations are there to teach us lessons.

Having to raise a baby by yourself is tough, but it choice that was made and a lesson to be learned. Perhaps it's a lesson on love or responsibility. Whatever it is, it's yours to learn and accept. The quicker you accept it, the faster you can start to understand. I can't say that you'll ever fully understand, but your insight will definitely become heightened.

All-in-all my contentment rests in the fact that life and change happens and there's nothing I can do about it but, accept it. Rejecting change and learning lessons the hard way only further complicates things. So as noted in an early post I am trying to embrace life and it's lessons as they come.

If you like this blog post check out this earlier one: http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2006/06/lesson-learned-hard-wayis-lesson.html

Pray without Ceasing

Prayer changes things...I am convinced.

And until someone gives me a better solution to life's impossible challenges...I am sticking with what I know.

Continued prayers and contentment...#thatisall

Realism with Positivity Possibilities

I realized again, for the 250th time, that I can be negative or I can embrace reality with a positive attitude and receive more than I could doing the opposite. Life has enough drawbacks without me adding my pessimistic, unadaptable attitude into the mix. Of course all is not perfect and neither am I, and this new found attitude may change and falter every now and then. The most important thing is that I am truly trying to take a panoramic view of life. Why? Because all thought trite it's true life is too short for just any ole' attitude.

This month may have not been the best, but prayerfully there's always next month. And if all else fails there was that good year two years ago. The thing is I am not on my back yet and so I have not failed yet. Too many times I have failed before I tried by starting off with the wrong attitude. This year has not gotten off to the best start, but all is not lost. I will just have to work harder to make sure that I make up for lost time.

Being realistic doesn't have to remove my positivity. Reality says every day will not be my best, but I know that every day is not the same. Each day holds new possibilities. And for now I am ok with being content with the new possibilities and I am willing to embrace them wholeheartedly.

What I learned after being married 1 year, 5 months, 10 days and counting

I wasn't sure how to start this blog off, since I'd be talking about marriage. Guess I'll just say it's a gift from God to be appreciated and acknowledged for what it is. Anita Baker was onto something in her song Fairy Tale, when she says she wasn't told the truth about love and the consquences of it. Love and marriage are anything but easy, however, they can still be some of the best things ever.

The thing I will mention is marriage is not a quick fix to any problem. Loneliness...finding a sense of purpose...power advancement...I have been married for 1 year, 5 months, 10 days nothing compared to my parents 30 years in June. But I have still learned a couple things in my time being married. Marriage is not a fairy tale and it does not fix anything, and if a relationship is broke all marriage leave it broken. Marriage without careful consideration does nothing but create a catastrophe out of a disaster. Here are the basics I've learned:

- Two people living together under one roof will usually have some sort of disagreements...it's not the end of the world. Learn to work though them. Separation/Divorce is only an option if you make it one.

- Always talk to your spouse, if you can't be totally honest (vulnerable) with them. Who can you be honest with then? Build up your communication.

- Just because someone is married doesn't mean their life is perfect. Marriage is not the recipe for a perfect life. As a matter of fact I think it's just the opposite.

- Marriage is full of lessons if you are willing to learn: humility, service, sacrifice, unconditional love, patience, long-suffering, honesty, truth, healing, selflessness (that's a hard one), and the list only continues

-vMarriage can teach you a thing or two about yourself...

- Marriage does not remove the need for friends nor does it replace my friends. Just because I have a husband doesn't mean I don't need friends. This one always gets me...*sigh* I still need friends.

- Your wish should be for marriage to come when your really ready and not just when you think you're ready. If your not ready it makes the lessons above harder to learn.

- Sacrifice in marriage is not avoidable if you truly want a lasting relationship.

- Regardless what anyone tells you marriage is rarely 50/50 sometimes it's 70/30, 90/10, 110/0, 40/60. The important thing to remember is it's about give and take and most importantly sacrifice.

- In the end marriage is about happy contentment, it's ultimately about being with someone you can't stand to be without. :)

Today was a good

Today for reason I feel good and instead of question the reason why I am choosing to embrace it. Today is the first day in a long time that I have truly felt happy to be in the skin in I'm in. Today I talked to friends I haven't talked to in a while. I received a financially blessing. Today was a blessing and I am thankful.

A special thanks to all who helped me reach this point. Loving contently... :)

True Friendship: Branching Out only to be caught in the middle

***This is a rough draft of my thoughts***

So recently I have come to the conclusion that I will eventually have to make new friends and acquaintances. This is not such a bad thing, and hopefully some day soon I will truly embrace it. Right now it's just a nuisance like listening to a coworker useless banter about their weekend festivities. Making new friends to me is just one of life's little annoyances that can eventually work in your favor, and hopefully this time it will come to me without the drama.

If I could sum up how I feel now about life, love and relationships....I would pin it as seasonally refreshed. Mature enough to realize change comes and adult enough to know I must accept that change. And real enough to know things aren't always what they seem. Though lately I feel like I've been caught middle of things that are not what they seem. This is important to note because I've been trying to branch out. But being caught in the middle of fantasy and reality is a tricky place. Figuring out where to draw the line is probably the hardest thing to do.

When is too much enough? How much is too much? How much is too little? When is a little not enough? When is enough not enough? I think I have most about being caught in the middle is walking on eggshells. Pretending to be slightly unaware of my surroundings...being caught in the middle creates tension. Tension creates the opposite of comfortable leaving me very uncomfortable.

I hate being caught in the middle, not knowing the right thing to say or do. Feeling lost throughout the entire situation. Not being able to intelligently weigh in on the situation. Not carrying enough stakes in the situation to make a difference, but not able to stay out of it because of the stakes I hold.

Until next time...embracing it all in love, life and contentment...

THOUGHTS

Silence…
Alone with my thoughts
Back and forth they go,
Fighting for a bit of attention
And finally they stop
….On you
Your smile, your style
You’re just being…you.
Always thought you were
The one for me
Always thought we would be
But…
Interrupted by another thought
Remember the time you…
Or do you remember…
Caught off guard again
By the thoughts of…me and you
Together…Apart…
Wait…here comes another on
Thoughts haunt me…in the silence
They torture me, repeatedly
As I close my eyes the thoughts
Become subdued…once again
It is silent…
And here I am alone with my thoughts

Wrote this a while back...just thought I'd share.

No light at the end of the tunnel...

I write because it's therapeutic...I feel free and uninhibited. Free to say and just be me. So the first thing I will say today in my freedom of speech is...I am not an island. No man is an island...a lesson I am slowing learning and will hopefully some day soon start to accept. To know me is to know I can talk...and talk...and talk...and I ask tons of questions. Lately, I've been the polar opposite because I am nervous to reveal how I'm really feeling. I guess it's hard for me to accept my true feelings, so I feel like others definitely won't understand either.

But the truth is I've been struggling...with what? I'm not exactly sure, most of my feelings are not concrete nor do they have much rhythm or rhyme. Which further complicates things...but they creating a strong hold on me that is taking me to the point of no return. My views on things are changing and causing a shift in my attitude. An attitude at times I am not proud of. I feel quite lost and at times quite alone. And that dear friends is the truth as I know it.

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and most days I feel like I am drowning, but this is the time when my faith must shine through...And I should know that God has been and will be a very present help in trouble. My despair comes from the fact that I see no way out from this situation, but knowing that I am not the one steering the ship is comforting in times like these. Days like these contentment seem so far away, but I will not stop searching.

Today

It's slightly ironic that my blog is titled comfortable in the skin you in, when I've been feeling slightly outside of myself. Recent events and realizations have caused my to face some harsh realities that, to tell you the truth I don't want to face. This truth has caused some real insight. So I've decided to make some changes. Or at least try.

I've decided to do one thing that makes me happy everyday, right now it's writing to get everything off my chest. Also thinking about hitting up the library or reading one of my favorite old books. Next, I'm going to try my hardest with God's help to fight off the feelings of depression that tend to creep up on me at times. Finally, I'm going to try to embrace life. I've realized recently all I've done is rejected it. Pouting about what I don't have and what I want. I do want more, but I know that comes with time.

These last past days maybe what I have learned is that growing up comes with benefits and sacrifice. Sometimes you sacrifice something to get something better. Yes, the grass may be green on the other side, but it's just as green on this side. My contentment rests solely on my will and desire to be content in what I have...and maybe for now that is what I needed to learn.

Living in Fear

I am afraid of thunderstorms and most storms in general. Don't know where this fear came from or how to get rid of it. When I was child I can vividly remember sleeping in my parents closet every time one came. As I went off to college they joked about what I would do when storms came there. To my surprise it was much easier to deal with in college especially when living in the dorm. Mainly because of the facade I put up to mask my true feelings in front of those who I felt wouldn't understand. Once I moved out of the dorm into my own place, my fear once again returned, reminding me that masking fears don't get rid of them.

I have so many new fears as an adult. So many grown up fears. I have a fear of the future and what it holds. Where will I be in 20, 10 , 5 years, heck where will I be in 6 months? The uncertainly of the future at times causes me extreme fear and anxiety. This fear is only surpassed by my fear of mediocrity. Which should make me want to push harder every day, but my my lack of motivation hinders me from doing that because of the fear that I might be rushing into something.

I have a fear that I will never have friends who are close, who I can depend on again. Which causes me to fear that I have this empty feeling for a while. My constant fear is having to hold all this stuff in, not being to talk it out. There's so much I want to say, but I fear it just won't come out right. My fear is trying to deal with such a wealth of emotion and handle it all by myself.

I have a fear of regret. I have a fear that my emotions will overrule my reason and cause me to become someone I am scared of becoming.

My ultimate fear is being too sacred to act. Why? Because this is not the life I envisioned for myself. Don't take this the wrong way, I am well aware of what I have and thankful for it, but a times I want so much more. At times I think my problem is wanting too much or what I can't have causing a somewhat slightly paralyzing fear...now my fear of thunderstorms seems almost insufficient. The even scary thing is that is I am unsure of what it is exactly that I want more of. Something just feels incomplete...and searching for it only makes me crazier. Perhaps more adventure? More challenge? More engagement? More stimulation?

Honestly, I feel better already acknowledging that I have fears, I am not perfect and I am choosing not to mask that. That I don't have it altogether. I know I raised some deep issues, but I have no solutions. All I can say is that the reality is that we're not human without fear. My fear of thunderstorms and life in general will more than likely continue, but I have decided not to let them run me out of my bed (at least not most times) or away from living. Until then I can only reach for my contentment beyond my fears.

My blog was inspired by Jazmine Sullivan's song Fear - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6Cfn9ZtpAw

Nothing much...

So I decided that I would try to write on my blog everyday...so far so good...missed yesterday though, but no harm going to make it up.

Right now I don't have much on mind...trying to really let my mind rest. It's truly been in over drive the last few days. I can only hope that this week gets better.

Friends...how many of us have them....Friends the ones you can depend on...Friends...

To my ‘Friends’:

Over the years when writing this blog I've done quite a few posts on friends…my friends. Some of you might have read these posts and come to the conclusion that I enjoy and cherish my friends and I do. I enjoyed the time we spent together and the things we shared. I have so many memories that I have shared and could share. Recently I shifted my ideology on friendships…I used to think that I would be friends with certain friends forever…unfortunately that’s not the case. Friends just like most things have times and seasons…and that is what this is about the end of the season…

I pride myself in the fact that everyday I grow more…I learn more…I conquer more. I hope this continues because it helps me discover more about myself daily. The recognition of my growth has caused my friendship with some to wane, and now leaves me torn because it comes with tough realities. Realities that things only change more are you continue to advance and grow…

I think it’s funny the way life changes and leaves you to figure out how to adapt to things it throws at you. Growth can sometimes seem like an unfair and slightly annoying part of life, but my belief is that’s mostly because it's not always apparent when it first happens. For instance, last year on my 24th birthday I was told that I changed and instead of embracing it I rejected it. Because in my mind change was negative, but the reality is a lot of times change stimulates growth if you are ready to embrace it. The truth of the matter was I was evolving and growing. I had to accept some truths. I'm not the same person I was in college. I don’t have the same goals and plans. I have responsibilities. I have bills to pay. I have a husband to take care of. My self-enhancing evolution was taking place and finally after a bit of acceptance from myself I have decided to it’s time for me and those around me to acknowledge it and move on.

Realizing what this evolution means has taken some time, but I am slowing coming to grips with the full reality. It means that I will have to make some hard decisions. One of those decisions is choosing my friends. Choosing friends that I am compatible with, who compliment me and fulfill my needs. Sadly I realized that I’ve been carrying some dead weight as friends, and I am ready to free myself.

While I know this evolution is a continually process, it definitely not an easy one. I am going to lose some friends…I already have, but the reality is that I am maturing and so must my friendships. The things that I once tolerated...I don't want to tolerate any more. As hard as this is I know it’s for the everyone’s good cause the reality is that I am probably as bad for you as you are for me.

So to those who I once loved and will always love, my friends. Some of you will continue on this journey with me, but some of you won’t. This has not been and won’t be easy, but it’s what the life requires at this time. Remember our friendship had a reason, but now the season is done. I wish you well and nothing but the best and continued success.

Love, peace, and more than anything sustained contentment…

WARNING: This is meant for specific parties, if you don’t get it then it wasn’t for you :)

Twitter

I was going to write about the evolution of friends, but I can't get my thoughts together, so maybe later.

But I will say this I have met some awesome people on Twitter. They have changed my views on certain things, and for that I am truly thankful.

The amazing thing is I would have never imagined what an impact people I've never met in real life could have on me. I known people for years who have been less intelliently stimulating and engaging.

Love, peace, and contentment...

Adaptation for Happy Contentment

Finally I'm back! I've realized that it's important to write if for nothing else than being a stress reliever. So after much time here it goes...

What can I say, other than life has changed. For the better? For the worse? That is what I am searching to answer...I never imagined I would be married almost over a year by now. Nor that I would be the 1st of my college friends to do so. Trust me it's as crazy to me as it might be to any onlooker. You see a lot of times we create plans and goals for ourselves with no real concept of the future and what it might bring. Yes, they can realistic, but are they practical? Can they change with time? Are you able to adapt accordingly? That's the problems with most people's plans...they lack adaptability.

So what if you're not married by 30? So what if it takes you longer to finish school? Who cares if you have not had children by 35 (other than the annoying onlookers)? These are mostly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things when you think about it. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have goals and plans, but adjust accordingly when things do not turn out that way.

So many times we are ready to jump ahead of life...if I not married by 30, then forget it?! Forget it? Are you serious? Forgot it if the man of your dreams comes by at 34? As perplexing as this is it's a common state many find themselves in. I believe that being able to adapt makes you better able to find contentment which in the grand scheme of things seems to possess more importance.

I am not saying that having dreams, and/or accomplishing goals aren't important because they are. Just not at the expense of sacrificing your happiness to get what you want. I believe contentment is a superior state of being; that allows you to know that you will indeed have to adapt but in that adaptation you will find what makes you happy.

Until next love, peace, happiness and most of all contentment...