On the Real

I haven't blogged in what seems like forever…so I've force myself to do it today. :) I started On the Real a while ago when I first started my blog in like 2005. It's basically the random thoughts in my mind of real life events and situations.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind…everything had just been running together. I can not wait until this weekend (Sunday specifically…to lay on my couch and start my Ally McBeal series…one of my birthday gifts).

My birthday which was on April 20 was pretty good this year. Breakfast, shopping, spa and dinner. So simple and so relaxing…it felt nice. I turned 25 wish I could have celebrated more, but *shrug* such is life. It was much better than some of the past years, so I'll take it. Special thanks to those that did make it special: Chris, Raquel, Danielle, Deanna, and Matt.

Next, I went to Detroit and make some of my tweeps (twitter friends or followers). That was cool. I didn't want to tell my parents or friends at first, because I didn't want them to worry or think I was crazy. I finally told them and they didn't respond like I expected, probably because I was on the trip or the trip was over. They can be such worriers sometimes. It funny because my tweeps are people who in real life I would have never crossed path with because some of us have some major differences, oh well, that's the main point of twitter. As of lately I haven't wanted to tweet much, guess in a search to really understand me…I need to get away from things that make me want to be something or someone else (ponder on that…any further questions come ask me).

I've also been thinking about some of the things I hate about myself *another shrug*. I know hate is such a strong word, but some of these things deserve to be hated. I hate that I want everyone to like me. I hate that I care so much for people who care so little. I hate how I want to help everyone, even those who don't want to be helped. I hate how I want to be included sometimes. I hate how I can't truly love and accept myself sometimes because the way I look. I hate when I get invested in a situation and I can't let go. I hate when I want to be someone's friend, and they keep rejecting my friendship. I hate that I can't just let stuff go sometimes. I hate that I always want to make things better. I hate that I want to help or be helpful. I hate that I want to be a great friend, but I have sucky friendships. I hate how I sometimes mask who I am because I am afraid of what people might thing…basically at times I am afriad to be me…go figure. So many other things is hate, but I'll digress for now. I feel like I should do a paragraph of things if love about myself, but if you look closely some of these 'hates' are also the very things that make me…me and make me stand out above the rest.

Finally, I've had a mini-rant in my head for a while...I hate complainers (always complaining…nothing is ever good enough)…life is what you make it. Deal with it!!! Stop complaining….who cares what you don't have (maybe you are not ready for it)…focus on what you do have…realize life is not going to stop just because you haven't done everything you wanted to or haven't accomplished all your goals. *SLAP* snap out of it…you're alive and in your right mind, seemingly, if you're reading this, so LIVE LIFE…BE YOU…people live life waiting for stuff to happen and all the way stuff is happening...(I'm talking to you and to myself)…"Life is what happens while you're busy making plans." ~ John Lennon
I am very blessed. I started to take it for granted, but I moving on cause pity doesn't look good me. Pity and envy insult my intelligence and degrade what I have built up for myself.

Trying to be content in the moment to set myself up for contentment for a lifetime.

Is this Me?!

I learned something about myself this week...I have not been honest with myself. Not sure of the exact reasons but I think maybe if I think if I say it out loud it might be true and I might have to deal with it. I believe that I have had somewhat of an epiphany...I have realized that my issues are like an onion...they are layered. I have been trying to focus on the small layers (issues) and have not addressed the biggest layer (issues). So I believe the biggest issue is the way I am or have been lately is not me...it's just not who I am...It's almost like I'm someone completely different...not sure yet if it's good or bad...or if I want to change it...or what exactly I want to change...I guess I do want to change somethings, but haven't really decided what. I guess I am glad that I am finally looking at the bigger picture and trying to organize and get it together. So until then searching for contentment in layers... :)

Twitter - The Social Network Phenomenon

I'll try to explain this for all you non-tweeters. Twitter is a continuous online conversation...Instant Messaging (IM) on steroids as I've heard it called. You meet people from all over and just talk to them almost daily about everything and nothing. Friendships, relationships, hate-ships have all started because of twitter. And because you talk and share more with these people daily, than you talk to some friends or family members, you create a bond. I resisted tweeting at first because I felt like it was just a bunch of random people with nothing better to do but get in other people's business. While at times it is like that, it has/had become more to me than that. It's a community, a culture, somewhat of a social movement...

Anywho at this point I have mixed feelings about it...Twitter came at a point when the drama in my life was at an all time high and I needed any escape. Now my escape has become too much like real life...I wondered how long my fascination would last with it... and while I haven't quite given up on Twitter...random hiatus' are very necessary at times...

I have too many mixed feelings about Twitter and my tweeps to explore them here. Just had to get it out there...

Me, myself and I - Birthday Blues

My first post in April will be about Me cause this is my month (and this is my blog)! :)

So first and foremost...I had a GREAT weekend. Haven't had one in a long time I needed it. Friends, family, good food, fun and great conversations, what more could a girl ask for?! I thought the social atmosphere would be too much for me to handle this weekend, but I think it was just what the doctor ordered.




On to the next subject: I've been avoiding writing this, hoping that my general emotion would blow over, so maybe after I get it off my chest I'll feel better.

So in 2 weeks I'll be 25...I am excited about reaching this milestone. I will no longer have to pay that stupid young driver insurance for rental cars, my general insurance goes down, and that's pretty much it other than I am offically starting my countdown (or count up...) to 30.

I love birthdays always have...I ALWAYS had birthday parties when I was younger, never was my birthday skipped or overlooked or passed up as if it was not important. However as I got older somehow that started to change...and now I am slightly cynical toward birthdays. I've spent birthdays in my dorm alone with takeout, out with a bunch of randoms cause my 'friends' had better things to do, and I have cried on my birthday for the past 5 years...so needless to say I am extremely nervous about the upcoming birthday. So much so that all I want to do is be alone to avoid disappointment. I know it sounds super crazy, but it's really how I feel. Maybe as the time gets closer I start to feel more enlightened, but I doubt it...I know others shouldn't dictate how my birthday goes, and from now on they won't, but that still doesn't change my mind or attitude.

Searching for contentment at 25....