Thanksgiving Special

So I've been writing this blog for sometime, and now is as good as of a time. I want you all to know. I love you and appreciate you!

> > Family:

> > Mom - the very things I think annoyed me growing up about you are traits I have developed...staying longer than everyone else to help clean, doing things for others because they are nice even though it's an inconvenience. I'll spare the normal thanks for the roof over my head, college education, and car. Thanks for making the awesome, God-fearing woman I am today.
> >
Dad - I'm most definitely a daddy's girl. I truly appreciate all the sacrifice. I believe that's it because of your example I chose such a wonderful candidate for my life partner.
> >
Cicily - I know I get on you about all that ATTITUDE, but I would be lying if I didn't say I had a lot back then too. I love being a big sister to such an smart young lady. Make you respect yourself and others will follow.
> >
Tyler - I know you think most of the time I'm on your back, but it's only because I love you. It's when I stop worrying about you that you should be concerned. Stay diligent in all you do and your hardwork will pay off.
> >
Matt - to one of the most important people in my life...thanks for exposing my flaws, pointing out my mistakes, correcting me constantly...ultimately thanks for making me a better me (even though I usually don't receive it well). You have challenged and I hope I have done the same for you. You have become one of my best buddies...I wouldn't have it any other way. Here's to many more to come...
> >
> > Friends:
> >
Naya (Amyah) - where do I begin?! I love you girl. We've been together since grade school, can you believe it? I can't...through marriages births, who would have thought. Thank you for you friendship, for your sisterhood...thank for my first niece, she's sooo awesome like her mom (and her godmother LOL). Thanks you for entrusting me with the awesome responsibility of being myah's godmother. It's really a honor.  And in case I don't say it enough, you're awesome. I've watched you turn some coal like situations into diamonds. You deserve all the greatness that is coming your way. Myah J - auntie J loves you very (and maybe one day uncle mack will too LOL kidding)
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Krystle - twelve years and counting...I know you've been trying to get rid of me, but guess you've noticed I've yet to leave (I haven't seen you leaving either, so...lol). And honestly I don't plan too. We've grown too attach now. Thanks for consistently calling, it makes me feel like someone cares.
> >
Ebony - you restored my faith in adult friendships. I brag on you all the time, about how great a friend you are. I mean seriously...You're the best!! I very thankful our paths crossed. And I'm soo excited for you and all the wonderful things that will be happening to you next year. And I hope to continue to be included to celebrate with you!
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Kell - let's recap, you got married, graduated from law school, passed the bar...that's more than some people do in a lifetime. And I would expect nothing less. Our relationship has evolved from roommate to friends, and it's been a fun journey. Your the greatest traveling partner (and candace). I can't imagine trips without y'all! Which reminds need a trip ASAP...we have one coming up. Yay!!! Can't wait!
> >
Candace - I'm so thankful your okay, seriously. After we got off the phone I kept thinking how thankful I am you are ok. If I think about it too long I'll probably burst into tears. Who would I call and harass or panic too?!
> >
Mialana - thanks for just listening, and thanks for sharing. We don't talk as much as we used too, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. It's so great to have someone who understands you when your at your lowest and doesn't kick you while your down.

Justwrite85 Answers Questions

So I came across this on CNN.com…I liked the question because it happens more than people think. And I wanted to give it a stab and answer it.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been in a long-distance relationship for six months with a guy I’ve known about two years through work; we’ve seen each other in person for what amounts to a month during vacations and we talk daily via Internet chat and video.

I’m in my late twenties; he’s in his early thirties. I really care for him and thought I was falling in love. Things were going really well on our last vacation up until the end of the trip when I asked him was there anything in the relationship bothering him, and he told me that while I had a very pretty face, my weight has been an issue for him.

I have dropped some weight since I’ve first known him and currently wear S-M shirts, U.S. size 8 in pants. He soon apologized after seeing how much it hurt me, but I know it’s honestly what he feels, and is a factor in his attraction to me. He said that while it was a factor, it wasn’t a “dealbreaker.” I can’t stop thinking about it and my self-esteem has taken a bruising. I was working on losing more weight, and this could be a kick in the butt to get on it, but I wonder what it could mean long-term.

I sometimes want to end the relationship because of this and because he doesn’t seem to be as attached as I am, but a part of me wants to see what happens next year. Perhaps I’m moving too fast anyway. What do you think? — Weighty Issues

Dear Weighty Issues,

Six months is a long time, and the fact that you knew him 2 years before that, your size should be no surprise. With that being said people have types, ‘prototypes’ and things they like or prefer. They have the right to have these slight ‘discriminations’ because in all honesty they ultimately have to ‘deal’ with it for as long as the relationship last. The only exception, in my opinion, is if significant change happens during the relationship (i.e. pregnancy weight gain, thyroid issues, etc). If not he went in with eyes wide open, so he can not use this as an excuse, but it doesn’t seem like he did. He was honest and I do applaud him for his honesty…but at what expense?

Weight is such a sensitive subject and it can really pierce deep, sometimes we don’t realize how deep until the spotlight is on us. I can understand why you would take a personal, but to be completely honest, he was just answering a question. If he says it is not a deal breaker, maybe it is taking him some time to get used to it, to get over his ‘discriminations.’ Our basic instincts, wants and desires are deeply embedded. They make up who we are and while at times they may be bias, illogical and/or irrational, they are apart of us.  They are innate characteristics that we possess, so it can take some time to revamp our thinking and replace them with unbiased, logical and rational results. He may be used to dating a certain type of woman. You may be the opposite of that, and it may take him some time to realize his ‘problem’ with your weight is not a problem at all or to realize it is HIS problem and not yours.

Next, we come to the question of whether to end the relationship or wait and see what happens next year. One thing to remember is that while time heals wounds, it doesn’t change people…People rarely change. With all that being said you should consider the relationship as a whole when considering moving on, if he is not as involved as you then that may be a big red flag to move on. However, I don’t think that him expressing his discontent about your weight should be a deal breaker for you if it isn’t for him.

Lastly, losing weight should be a personal conviction. It should not be something that you do for someone else because most things done for others are short lived. Take control of your life and your weight because you want too, not because someone else thinks you should. If you are fine like you are, be proud of that. Be healthy, happy and contentent because ultimately you have to live with yourself.

My Hairstory

So the craziest realization happened to me the day the other day about my hair. I had gone to get my hair done, I figured it was time to get the ends clipped and see the damage I’ve been doing since I’ve just been letting my hair do its own thing. I got it clipped and pressed, it was pretty long just blow dried out, but of course after the cut L…but my hair needed it. The last time I pressed it out was for a friend’s wedding, and of course before the weekend was over so was my hair. That’s usually how it goes, and since I’ve been trying to exercise regularly pressing out my hair has not been an option. Also the fact that it is a production to do so, although I’ve gotten it down to about a 2.5 hour science.

So after I got it pressed I found myself doing the most to make sure I didn’t sweat it out or mess it up. I kept it tied up unless I was going out. I woke up early to press and curl it. I took so much more time getting ready. *SIGH* When I was finally ready to wash it, a week later I was super glad to have my natural curly hair back. Hair that doesn’t make me wench at the rain, hair that requires nothing more than a scrunchy and some gel…I didn’t realize how much I missed it. Simple morning washes and go, slicking it back into a bun, two strand twists. I missed it all.

Now let me get this out I am by no means a natural hair fanatic. I think you should be able to wear your hair any way you want to wear it. I think you should wear what looks good on you, not what is cool at the moment. While I have natural hair I don’t in any way really feel like I identify with “natural hair fanatics.” Perhaps it’s because I’ve been “natural” most my life. My mom let me get a perm in seventh grade after I begged, it was cool just didn’t want to keep it up. All my beauticians warned against it, but sometimes you just have to try things on your own to get it. I guess I don’t identify with them because I have the type of hair that lends itself to being natural, I have a nice wave, curl pattern that works well and is easy to style.

Honestly, I think people are too hype about the natural thing, that’s just my opinion. I don’t think it’s for everyone, but to each his own. However, seeing my natural hair again after a week felt liberating. I missed it. It reminded me of the first and only time I decided to get a track put it. My college graduation, I figured I would be running around and didn’t want to risk messing up a press. Well I was ready for that thing to come out three days later. I almost cut out a chunk of my hair to get it out, my dad finally rescued me (he was used to helping my mom, lol). Then and there I decided my hair was all I needed. I’m lazy when it comes to my hair and I take it for granted, but I really do appreciate it.

So sitting here typing this with my two strand twists untwisted I say maybe I am my hair. It doesn’t define, but it makes up a part of who I am. And when it’s in it natural state I am probably most content, which is the best place to be. J

A Year Later

It’s Tuesday…that loooooongest day of the week. I don’t know why Tuesday always seems so long, but it does. I always feel like time is just slowly milling away. Anywho from time to time I like to check my blog to see how I am doing now versus how I was a year ago.

Last year this time I was in school, tutoring, working and had just finished my second year as assistant youth leader for AYS. Talk about busy. I had also realized my need to distance myself from Twitter and those that chose to roam its streets, lol. I also just gotten the new Kirk Franklin CD, which I still bump faithfully until this day.

So what’s changed? I am no longer in school or tutoring. I needed a break from school, but I do have enough credits to teach on a collegiate level now. Hooray! That goal will soon be accomplished. I no longer work with the church youth…long story short. I have tried to get back into it, but people are not serious. I’ve made some good changes in my diet and exercise routine. I’ve seen some progress, still have a while to go though.

I’ve managed to find my life boat friends. These are the friends that I would put on a life boat with me cause I don’t want to not have them by my side. They have rescued me from despair and helped my split my sides in laughter. I can’t thank them enough, sometimes I’m sure they don’t know how much they help.

It’s almost time for my new job to start. I’m not sure how I feel about it, I’ll let you know when I start. The great thing is I think I’ll get stay on my every other Friday off schedule *fist pump*.

Spare the Rod...

So I’ve been rambling the last few posts. I figured it’d be nice to get an organized post together.

This is not the original article I saw, but it’s the basic story. I saw a clip from the CNN story with Don Lemon, where they had a therapist on reputing the need for corporal punishment, spanking. http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2011-10-06/news/os-child-abuse-video-arrest-20111006_1_child-abuse-video-youtube

There’s a story in the news about a 25 year-old black man who is accused of abuse. He posted a video on youtube (his dumbest crime) of his teaching a mentee a life lesson for acting out in school. He cut off the little boy’s hair and eyebrows (a bit extreme), spanked him, and made him do a series of bootcamp exercises (possibly also a bit extreme). Now I am not sure what the little boy did, and if the crime really fit the punishment, but these are the facts as I know them (which means very little). Soon the National Center for Missing and Exploited Childrenen tipped off local authorities and this guy is being charged with child abuse. The mentor maintains that the purpose of all this was to teach the little boy a lesson and help him not become a statistic (another jail-bound black man). A noble lesson that hopefully is learned despite the circumstances.

First, it breaks my heart while teaching this lesson, the mentor will fall short of visions I’m sure he had for himself. Once he is convicted he will be caught up in the very cycle he was trying to keep this little boy out of. Yep, I said once he is convicted, he’s going down for this, which is unfortunate I think. I’m sure he felt his heart was in the right place, but the whole thing was poorly executed. It does concern me that the little boy was not his child, but he had been mentoring him for a year, so hopefully they had developed some time of bond. A bond where the child understood and appreciated the standard held, and understood the consequences of not abiding by those standards.

I honestly think his guy’s main crimes were his inability to be more discreet in teaching his lesson, and the extremity of the punishment itself. Part of me feels the punishment was extreme, but I don’t know the crime. I am a firm believer in corporal punishment by way of spanking, to help aid in teaching and correcting. I believe it is important to use physical punishment in combination with verbal lessons (no profanity, or yelling, needed), so that the child understands their wrongdoings and is able to make better decisions in future situations. However, I also am quick to add that, punishments should be tailored to the child, not every child needs a spanking. Parents/Guardians should consider this when disciplining.

The main problem I have with the original snippet I saw was the therapist point of view. Some may think that spanking is not necessary and call it abuse. And I believe spanking can be taken too far, and has been many times before, but I also think it a legitimate way to discipline a child. I hope this guy, and his mentee, have learned some important life lessons. Everyone doesn’t agree with spanking and, in general, we can agree to disagree, “but as for me and my house…”

Sleepy in the Cube

I’m sitting here at my desk…sleepy. Because I decided to stay until after one watching Felicity the series on Netflix. I kept telling myself it was a bad idea to watch another episode, but myself did not listen. Well now I am paying for it. I have actually lasted longer than I thought I would have. So to keep myself from laying my head on my desk and taking a little siesta. I’ll just blog to pass the time. Which essentially means another ramble blog, or perhaps somewhere along my ramble I’ll find a purpose.

So the marriage retreat is coming up soon. Actually next month. I usually am excited to go because I’ve enjoyed myself the times I’ve gone. Just something in my spirit is not willing this year. I think it’s the fact that we have gone three years in a row and still don’t really “know” anyone. We get reacquainted every year and I guess I’m not in the mood for that.

Ever feel like you are being ignored by everyone? No, ok then it’s just me. Welp that’s how I felt this week, ignored and bothersome. Like I was constantly interrupting people anytime I tried to talk to them. And the moment I say that someone hits me up on gtalk. O_O So I decided to not reach out to anyone else except Eb this week as I didn’t feel welcomed. I’m probably being overly sensitive, I’ve been known to do that. *skips along*

I’m planning a game night over my house for my coworkers. I’m trying to decide if I should invite outside work peeps…

I was going to go to atl this weekend, but decided not too. For a couple reasons…I was there two weeks ago, it cost for gas and to put the dogs in the kennel. And after a while going just didn’t seem fun. *shrug*

I have a new phrase “weep softly” …I love coming with new phrases or stealing them from someone else.

I’ve been peeing like a race horse….drinking 64 ounces of water throughout the day has me staying in the bathroom. I wish I could move my computer into there.  

This gtalk chat is doing me good…

On the Real: Two month Rambling

I’m doing it, NOW! Forcing myself to blog. It’s been a while…almost two months. We’ll I am happy (and sad) to report nothing has changed. Well I take that back I got a new position, no more money though, but that’ll come. The crazy thing is I felt pretty confident about getting it, but I’m unsure of where the Lord is taking me on this journey, but He’ll reveal that soon enough. There have been a couple things I’ve been wanting to blog about, but since I didn’t write them down I forgot them. So this will be a bit of a ramble, but I don’t mind. J

Let’s see all in all though everything is copasetic. Things are moving along. Life is changing and I’m doing my best to accept it for what it is.

I’m ready to move out of Huntsville, which is no surprise to most but I think the reason why is changing. And the fact of the matter is I won’t be doing so until the Lord says it’s ok. So until then I wait…

They posted the requisition for my old job and I’m feeling a bit nostalgic, I’ll get over it. Although I do think the new program won a lot more in me than I gave myself credit for. Which means I’m going to have to really talk to the manager about potential promotions. I think after this year, I’ll be ready for one.

I was told today I speak softly on our conference calls. They suggest I be more assertive, which is something I guess I need to work on. I’m not a big fan of criticism, but done properly it’s effective.

I feel like the Lord is about to open the floodgates, and I’m very excited. He is also about stomp on my enemies *shrug*.

I’ve been feeling pretty positive these days, I’m just trying to look at the bright side. I think I’m realizing more that if I do this I am able to better understand the Lord’s lessons and accept His blessings. And I am totally thankful for that.

I’m at an impasse with friendships. I guess it’s part of the life lessons. I realized the other day my expectations of my friends are changing. I haven’t quite verbalized these changes because in a way I’m allowing people to weed themselves out. Basically, I just want more transparency. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me, and if you’re not then perhaps our friendship should be reevaluated. I feel like for a long time I pushed my friendship on people, and I think that era is over.

I have talked to people lately about losing weight and most people say they just want to lose 10 to 20 pounds. They claim they don’t want to be skinny, just fit in their clothes better. I, on the other hand, want to be skinny. If I thought I could reach 120, 110 without doing anything extreme I would. It’s a weird goal I know, maybe it’s because I’ve never been that skinny. *shrug* A girl can dream…I also would like a million dollars.

I started watching Felicity the series (again!!). I used to love that show in high school. Funny how TV can parellel real life. Guess they have to get it from somewhere.

Zumba tonight…I love it. But for some reason I am dreading the gym tonight.

Work is over, Matt is outside waiting, so my boredom for now is temporary done.

Oldies but Goodies

Remember Regine, Khadijah, Sinclaire, Max our favorite TV girlfriends (and Kyle and Overton, our best male friends). Kim, Freddie, Ron our favorite coeds, how about our favorite couple and best wedding scene “Baby please…” Whitley and Dwayne. And who can forget our favorite family, the Huxtables, who truly showed middle class black America...Bare with me I’m having an nostalgic moment. I am a self-proclaimed TV junkie, I spend most of my spare time watching TV, although now that I have a DVR I feel freer to explore other hobbies (still haven't picked up any new ones but I'm working on it); but when the DVR fills up…TV time, I spend more Sundays on my couch than anywhere else. I know there is so much more I could be doing with my time, but you’ve got your hobbies and I’ve got mine. I spend most of the time I watch TV watching the Food Network, my TV literally stays on that channel. Iron chef, Paula Dean, Chopped, Next Food Network Star, The Neely’s, Hungry Girl, Barefoot Contessa, Drive-Ins, Diners and Dives…all my favorites, if it’s on Food Network I watch it pretty faithfully.

I realized the other day, thanks to Eb, I don’t watch many new shows. I try to get into some, but rarely am able too. I became a Hawthorne fan because it was the only new thing to watch in the summer (genius on the producers part...but it started off slow and still lacks some of the character development I appreciate, but bygones), although this season has made me reconsider my commitment (smh so much DRAMA). I embraced Harry’s Law with Kathy Bates (I’ve loved her since Fried Green Tomatoes…if you haven’t seen that, get to it!). Of course, I was a fan of The Game, so I’m excited to see it revived even if it is on BET, the station that takes black people back 30 years. And while I found Let’s Stay Together a bit…tired, I watched the whole season of it. And because of major advertisement on my Pandora stations I started watching Against the Wall, it was only the second episode as of last Sunday, but it might have some potential. I know that seems like a lot, but for a self-proclaimed TV junkie that barely grazes the surface. I caught the pilot of Single Ladies and was quite disappointed. I was hurt at the way they portrayed black relationships, and black women in general (and just because there is one white chick doesn’t diversify the show that much), perhaps it was the day I saw it on and I was emotional or something, but maybe not. I would really like to see less black shows that focus less on what I think brings us down as a society (and a people). I know it’s all for the entertainment, but I just want more in my TV watching. Now I only watched the pilot so it may have gotten better...

Honestly since Centric and TV One have started to play my old favorites I figured why should I have to watch some of the stuff they try to entertain me with, my TV oldies will always be goodies to me. I loved Living Single for the friendship they all shared. They had dating woes, but they were independent and appreciated what a man could do for them. I loved A Different World, it reminds me so much of my college experience it’s scary. Two working, professionals as parents, that was my life, so the Huxtables was relatable to me.

I am not condemning anyone for what they choose to watch that is your decision. Plus I have my guilty pleasures that I indulge in  (reality shows) like I Love New York 1 and 2, Flavor of Love, Real World / Road Rules, You’re Cut off, Celebrity Fit Club, Braxton Family Values, Biggest Loser (that show kept me on the verge of tears), Sinbad, Pep’s Show, Fantasia For Real (Tasia Boo is my girl! LOL). Most of these are short lived, but I have a weakness for watching real people make fools of themselves when money is involved.

All that being said this self-proclaimed junkie is sticking to the oldies but the goodies for now. :)

Life Lesson: #516020

So this week was TONS better than last week. I got approved to start an alternate schedule, every other Friday off…YES! My manager volunteered to mentor me more to help me move along in my career (and I got a glowing interim review, cause I’m awesome and God is GREAT!). And I think I found a trainer, she’s so perky and awesome. Yes this week definitely trumps last week. But in order for me to be so thankful for this week I realize that last week had to happen. So in retrospect I am thankful for the hardships of last week.

While in the trenches it's hard to be thankful or see the light at the end of the tunnel. But that’s not a new issue, I think we all struggle with these type of doubt. I recently finished reading 1st and 2nd Kings. I have to say they have some of the best stories in the bible in those books. Tales of kings and queens, the lavish lifestyles, and of course the downfalls of empires. It’s better than most novels I’ve read and even better cause it’s real life events. What stuck out to me the most was reading about Elijah and Elisha. Now two of my favorite prophets from the times of old. These men were in true communion with God. They believed in the power that the Lord had given them. They spiritual balance they possessed is awe-inspiring to me. Elijah stopped the rain (1 Kings 17:1), a dead man fell on Elisha’s bones and was revived (2 Kings 13:21)…the power these men had because of their faithfulness and relationship with God makes me excited. It excites me because I know it’s still possible I believe in that power, I want that power.

While I know it’s possible I find myself stunted because so many times I doubt my ability fully. I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I don’t know if my course of action is the BEST course of action. It’s like being afraid to die and afraid to live. It’s almost like I think I’ll make a mistake, but I have to know that God is still in control no matter what. I have started to really and truly realize if you are faithful to God, he’ll be faithful to you. Hands down.

So until then I stay encouraged...

It has been a long week. My mental strength and (somewhat…lol) optimistic attitude have been tested. If I didn’t think it would be too emotional draining I would give a blow by blow. In a nutshell…I got cursed out by someone at work, I’m realized I’m involved in some toxic relationships, my career goals may be unrealistic (when it comes to my mental sanity)…just to name few. But honestly I am still thankful. I am thankful for the weekend and the rest it will hopefully bring. The dawning of a new day and soon a new week. I am thankful for God’s faithfulness and His fulfillment of His will in my life. It hasn’t come yet, but I am thankful and excited for it. I’ve even adopted a new motto: God is great even when life is not good.

Testing with Google+

I just wanted to test this and see if it would update in Google+. I am a bit nervous about sharing my blog with everyone, mainly because people have so much of an opinion about what I should write about and how I should write. But if you are confused about your opinion about my blog please defer to the March 28, 2011 post. J

A Shelter in the Time of Storm

I’m sure most Christians are familiar with the story of the tower of Babel found in Genesis 11:1-9. After the flood the people were scared that God might decide to try and destroy them again, so they decided to take some action. What’s important to note is that God had already promised Noah no more floods, but I guess they dismissed that point (He promised fire next time…hope that junk was fire proof). Anywho  the people started building this tower that would reach ‘the heavens’ so that if God did change His mind, they would be safe up there with Him. Of course, God wasn’t going to let that happen, so he confused theirs languages so they were no longer able to communicate. Personally I think destroying the tower would have brought me more satisfaction, but God and His  grace and mercy. So the people were unable to continue building and thus went their separate ways with those with like languages.

So as most of the world knows we’ve been having some terrifying weather…tsunamis, earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes... In April we had a wave of storms here that left Huntsville in the dark for almost a week. So recently with all the rebuilding people have been trying to take more caution, and have more storm prepared houses and businesses. For instance, my boss is upgrading his house to be completely run on gas in case of emergencies, the secretaries from two departments were discussing their new storm shelters being built (there are nothing but reinforced cement rooms), and there is even talk of understand bunkers starting to take shape (you can having part in one for a couple of G’s) underground. People are spending thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands to be safe from acts of nature. If only it were that simple.

I understand there are lessons to be learned after the storm. And I did not take those lessons lightly. I mapped out a plan of safety of where to go in my house. I will remember to grab my wallet and important documents and seal them in a plastic bag and if need be attach them to my person. I should have fresh batteries, candles, flashlights, bottled water and canned goods. But my even the most prepared person is still never ready for the biggest storm. After the storm while driving around I saw several cement telephone poles on the ground snapped like twigs. That was a sign to me that there was no running or real safety here on this earth. My safety here cannot be bought or built with cement. There is nothing that keeps me from day to day except God’s grace and mercy. That is the only thing I have that I can rely on especially in times of the storms, and that cost nothing.

Book Review - Jezebel by Jacquelin Thomas

OK so my one book a week goal is just…smh…I finished  my second book this week. Yet another Jacquelin Thomas book. I’m going to stay away from her a while. I love her books mainly because of the biblical principles they force me to acknowledge. And I must at admit every book I have read from her gets me thinking more and more about my spirituality. It reminds that God’s original purpose for the bible was to give us insight. Insight into his mercy and grace, insight into examples that show us how to live, and ways that displease God.

This particular book is modeled after the story of Jezebel, found in 1^st and 2^nd Kings. To be totally honest I don’t think I’ve ever read the story of Jezebel in its entirety, I know that basic gist. But what I do know about Jezebel her name has never been synonymous with anything endearing. She was a conniving woman whom God punished with a  harsh death. No need to elaborate on that much further.

This story is about Jessie Belle a sweet southern Belle who has big dreams of moving out of her small town on to bigger and better things. She is able to do this with the help of her new husband. However, the more Jessie gets the more she wants. She seems insatiable for material wealth and prestige. In the end she gets what she wants, but not without a price. The story of Jessie Belle is similar to any and every one who has even wanted more when what they had was enough.

Book Review - Samson by Jacquelin Thomas

So true to my word…I stopped by the Library and picked up a few books. I thought getting four was a bit ambitious but I have already finished one, so maybe not.

I have finished Samson by Jaquelin Thomas. I did a book review on two other books I have read of hers… Book Review - The Ideal Wife by Jacquelin Thomas  and  Book Review - Redemption by Jacquelin Thomas. She is a wonderful author/storytelling who is able to transform biblical stories into modern tales with the lessons they were intended to have in the bible.

Most people know the story of Samson, it is story of lust, passion and misguided ministry. The story of Samson can be found in Judges 13 – 16. When you are first introduced to Samson in the bible you immediate know how great his calling is. You understand the purpose the Lord had for him. He is destined to be great. However, it is Samson’s desire of lust and passion that stunt his greatness. They cripple his talent and cause him to fall prey to the desires of the world. I believe that Samson’s internal struggle coupled with his desire to do right and his human weakness caused his ultimate demise. Our actions all come with consequences. Some are visible like Samson’s blindness, but some are hidden only scarring us within. The wounds within sometimes take more of a toll on us than some physically injury. Although Samson chose to choose his own way the Lord was still able to use him. Although He wasn’t able to do so until Samson had let go of his desire for lust and passion and truly accepted his call. Samson’s blindness “open his eyes” and his heart to see and accept his true calling. Sometimes it take a little to get our attention and sometimes it takes a lot, but there are always red flags along the way.

In the book Samson is a handsome (6’4”, greenish grey eyes…) preacher who has a weaknesses for women. A weakness that also plagued his father and thus disrupted his early childhood. Yet, Samson believes that he can combat this weakness on his own. He allows his desire and lust to control him. He gets involved with the women and ultimately pays for it. His greed and selfishness cause a trail of bad interactions with those that cared for him the most. Throughout the book there are challenges that call Samson to be better and do better yet, foolishly he thinks he is in control. His lust and passion leads him down the road of destruction, however, like Samson, of old, he is able to redeem himself; but not before he has to deal with the harsh consequences of his actions.

This book made me realize that we all sin…and ultimately sin is sin. No sin is greater than another, this is shocking to most because somehow we feel justified when we can find a greater sin in someone else. You tell a white lie to get out of work…sin. You kill…sin. One might reap greater consequences, but neither is greater. It opened my eyes to the reality of lust and desire, and the danger of uncontained passion. Nothing wrong with any of these things as long as they are controlled and contained. The problem is we are rarely able to control and contain them as we think…”the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Never rely upon yourself for the answers because usually you are the one who got yourself in the mess anyway. And  ultimately “be sure your sins will find you out…” You can only hid behind your sins for so long before you are found out. This is a lesson best learned early to avoid continuously embarrassment. In the end though we are created with a purpose. God has destined all of us to be great, and it is His desire that we fulfill this purpose. However it is up to us to follow His calling for our lives and rest in his grace and mercy when we make mistakes. It is something that takes humiltity and faith, it is not an easy task, but a neccessary one for a content and joyous life .

On The Real

It’s been a while since I last blogged. I’ve taken a trip to Fort Lauderdale, the fourth of July has passed, and I deleted my twitter account. So here’s a brief recap of these happenings:

Went to Fort Lauderdale for a wedding. It was a beach wedding, my first ever. It started at 9 (well I was there at 9, started around 9:30), only lasted 20 mins at the most. Next, it was the cocktail hour which seemed like it lasted for hours, finally the reception which did not end until 2 in the afternoon. My biggest mistake was skipping breakfast thinking that we would at least eat by 11, so when it was 12 and I hadn’t eaten…it was not good. But all in all it was a nice experience, even spent a few extra days after hanging out in Fort Lauderdale. This made me realize I have to take a real (week long) vacation. I have sent a date (and a budget) for December *crosses fingers*.

This past weekend was fourth of July weekend. I did the bare minimum which was absolutely my intention. We spent all of Saturday hanging out. Sunday I drove to Nashville to see a friend from out of town who was visiting family. This was nice. I was super late, smh. I could have kicked myself I would have loved to spent more time hanging out. After that we didn’t do anything else. Monday was similar, went out for brunch and watched a movie then headed back home for…more movies! Lol. I kept hearing the fireworks and decided to check them out. My neighbors did it up! I got a good show in my pajamas. Even found some fireworks and sparklers (my favorite!) in the house that we lit up. I really wanted some picnic food and was hoping I would get invited to a BBQ, but maybe later. This is probably the most relaxing fourth I’ve had in a while. I appreciated it.

Like America Fourth of July weekend was a symbol of me asserting my independence. I finally deleted my twitter account. I’ve been wanting to do so for a while. Just kept making excuses about why I hadn’t…welp, the excuses stopped this weekend. I still haven’t regretted it, so I think it was a good decision. I deleted it in general because it reminded of things that I am hoping to forget. I enjoyed my time on there in the beginning. I am grateful for the people I got to know, very special people who hold a place in my heart.  Perhaps I’ll reconsider one day, but until then I’ll find something else to occupy my time. :-D

I think I’m going to read more…I think I am going to stop by the library and find a good book. I’m going to create a goal of a book a week. My personal challenge for the month of July, so look for book reviews (of at least four books…yikes!).

One for the Team

So another softball season has started. This is my second season playing. We’ve been tutoring for the first half of the season so we were unable to play. But school finally ended and we played in our first game on Wednesday. I was a little nervous because I felt a little rusty. Truth be told I am always nervous, I hate getting out and I hate making mistakes that cost the team. Anywho I was pretty good on Wednesday, no outs, and made it home once. Yay me! In all honestly we whooped the other team, 18-1 (ouch). Since the mercy rule applied we had to stop playing in the fourth.

However, we love to play so we decided to continuing playing a friendly game. I hit once and made it to first. My second time up I made it almost to first before they called my ball a foul. So I had to come back and hit again. When I did the ball bounced off my bat and hit me right in right part of my face. Just for the record softball’s are hard (even though they have the word ‘soft’ in them). My face immediately started to swell up. I felt like the right side of my face was falling off the bone. I was afraid to try and open my eye, thinking that it might have suffered some injury. But thankfully everything was good with my eye. I have some bruising and swelling, the spot where I got hit is extremely tender. But otherwise I’m GREAT! And ready to play again, which was suppose to be today, but it’s raining so maybe Monday.

Matt took a real artsy picture of it on my phone (I like it!). You can tell my eye is swollen a bit and I have some abrasions. But all in all I am well

On The Real

So sitting here listening to Nothing Left to Day by Mint Condition (I love 90's music...post coming), love that song and realizing it’s my work anniversary. Four years…today I started. Looking back I was so excited to start my career and move up the corporate ladder. In actuality I had no idea what I wanted to do (still don’t, but I have a general idea). My first year was the worst, I learned some important lessons, but in general hated it. I felt like my time would be short-lived at the company. But four years later I in a position I can stomach daily. I like what I doing for the most time, I wish I had more flexible schedule (my boss is old school…). I also wish I was more advanced, but all in time.

My relationships in all aspects are evolving. I am excited about trimming the fat off. And some fun things are happening in my friends lives and I am excited to be included. I have also come to realize the good friends who know you and appreciate you are hard to come by. And at a certain point in your life you stop “making” friends, and choose them based on life circumstances: Where you work, where you live, who your kids play with and so on and so forth.

Otherwise, I am trucking along.. waiting for something BIG to happen. Kidding. I am enjoying and embracing life cause it reminds of how good God is!

To Whom I Love...

So Oprah is almost over…I knew she would go out with a bang, so I have been watching her last season rather faithfully. Well they had a BIG shebang for her at the United Center in Chicago. Now I will admit I’d been hating on her. But now looking at it, she has really done something with her clout. She has taken what she has multiplied it and used her time in the media for something we don’t see often…good. I am not going to raise her up on a pedal, but I do think she deserves some kudos.

One thing they have been doing at the end of her shows this season is having her guests send her messages. This was all culminated at the United Center with tons of celebs like Jamie Foxx, Usher, Pattie, Aretha, Will and Jada, Madonna, Rascal Flatts, Stevie, Senfield, Michael Jordan, Dakota Fanning, Beyonce, Maria Shriver, Gale, Alicia Keys, Maya Angelou,  and so on came to bid The Oprah Show farewell. At first I thought, this is so much…but then I realized maybe not. So many time we wait until it’s too late—funerals—to celebrate someone’s life. They should know while they are alive how much they are loved and the influence they have had in people’s lives.

There are so many people I should thank and I know most times I don’t say ‘I love you’ enough, but know when I do say it I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Four years ago after I graduated from college (Wow…four years), the pressure of my relationships begin to get to me. I decided to take a much needed break away from it all and totally unplugged. So I did, but not before I wrote all my friends letters expressing to them how much I love them and how much they meant to me. I needed them to know in spite of everything they had made a difference in my life. I believe that everyone who walks in your life for a day or a lifetime has an impact if you let them. I’ve been thinking about those letters recently and thinking maybe it’s time for some more letters. I will admit that this time around there will be a lot less letters, and that’s OK time has filtered some people out. But the original letters I wrote four years ago are still very relevant, and those people will always have a place in my heart.

So to whom I love...know that our time together has meant so much to me. I love you, and even if we grow apart I always will. We will have and have had our ups and downs, but I think that is part of what makes our relationship stronger. Telling you the truth is not always easy, but is very necessary and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I appreciate your support, and words of wisdom. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, and allowing me to share with you, celebrations: birthdays, graduations, births and even failures. I truly believe there is a reason you were put in my life. I hope that my influence and time in your life has made as much of a difference as it has in mine. Lastly, my prayer is even if we drift apart you prosper, that you have nothing but the best.

All My Love,

Jailyn

Jumping the Broom

So I saw Jumping the Broom last night (I don't get all the hype), it ok not bad but not great. I wasn't a huge fan of the acting, it could have been funnier, some parts were very awkward, I hate that in movies. Anywho like most things there there lessons that can be found in it.

First, your body is precious and you should be careful who you give it too, cliché, but true. I won't say any more on this because I am no expert, I'll just leave it at that.

Second, when you get married to someone you marry them and have to deal with their family and you inherit their family's baggage. Think about this before you say I do. Your in-laws maybe loud, country, ghetto, rude, but they are your soon-to-be family, and accepting that is half the battle. And just like your family you are stuck with them for life. Your wedding is one day, but family is forever. Remember that. Don't burn bridges over one day (can't stress this enough). Your wedding ultimately is a proud acknowledgement in front of friends and family of your love and devotion for one another. While the day should be special for you and your significant other remember that it's also about those you invite. After all unless you are getting married on a secluded island with nothing but a pastor, you are planning the wedding for friends and family. Include them in it, make them feel apart of it. Wear your grandmother's broach for your mom, it won't kill you nor will it ruin your day, but it will however bring your mother even more joy, so what's the harm in it? Don't let people walk over you and definitely make your own decisions, but be flexible. Family traditions are important don’t let them die because of your stubbornness, remember the wedding is just a day, but the marriage is forever.

People will constantly try to 'help' you plan your big day…it will drive you nuts mostly because it is just their desire to control things. Do not let this bother you. Do not entertain them. Understand most times this help comes from a good place. Be firm when letting them know that their help is not needed, but gentle enough that you are able to live with them afterwards. Again…one day versus a lifetime.

Next, EVERY wedding, again I can not stress every enough, has issues and some kind of shortcomings. Something will go wrong when planning your wedding or on the day of the wedding...the cater maybe late, bridesmaids may not fit into her dress, the dinner rolls maybe hard, your wedding dress maybe be late...but the challenge is not in the obstacle it is in overcoming the obstacle and your attitude in doing so. First, BE CALM…breath. Next, DELEGATE. Finally, LEAVE IT and MOVE ON.

Finally, your wedding, that one day will soon just be another day in the grand scheme of things. Focus more on your marriage then the wedding. Have fun planning the wedding, but remember the best (and worst) is yet to come. This is just one of the many mere symbols of your union. Remember why you fell in love, remember the intense emotion you feel on that day. These are the things that will carry you.

Putting it all Out There

I'm going to do this because perhaps it's time (and Krystle put it out there on fb anyway...lol). I am the Fit person for May http://puttingthefitinfitness.blogspot.com/2011/05/fit-person-award-for-may.html  (I helped her come up with the name.)

This is one of my good friends blog. She is a fitness nut and health guru. She actually studied it in college, so she's legit and she's a registered nurse (I love my professional friends). She decided to start a fit person of the month. I got to be the first Gennie pig. Although it was touch and go I should thank Krystle for asking me to do this, she's been encouraging me in this process all along.

So when Krys first asked if I would do this I agreed because she's my friend and I had made 'some' progress, so why not share. I was cool up until she put it on fb for tons of our friends and family to see. Then all I could think of was the shame and embarrassment in the contrasting photos I gave her as before and after pictures. My heart sank thinking about what people would think of me, and how they would view the pictures. My feelings of insecurity started to run rapid. Now people have already noticed the change, and have freely commented on it from "did you lose some weight? to "you lost A LOT of weight." (although I think my family's reaction has taken the cake). Truth be told I can't see a BIG difference (or many of the differences others claim to see), other than my clothes fitting differently. So  in the beginning I was surprised people even noticed.

I felt like a contestant on the Biggest Loser (one of the reasons I never wanted to go on the Biggest Loser is because of the scale...I hate telling my weight)...which I have become a huge fan of now. To watch them be so successful at their weight lost goals is truly inspiring. At times I am jealous of their extreme success, but I'm trying to get there. I was hesitant to share my success before I reached my ultimate goal, because I still have a ways to go. But I guess it doesn't hurt to celebrate for the success I've had so far.

So here's to being "mildly" successful...and putting it all out there!

Untitled

I thought this was a very interesting article, Study: Most obese moms, kids underestimate their weight. It talks about the misconceptions children have about weight because of their mothers, very heavy stuff in my opinion. However, this creates a very good segway into my blog for today (which I have been meaning to blog about for a while).

So, if you have been following my blog you have probably read this post, My Love and Hate Relationship with my Weight and All That Jazz. I explained in that blog how my family has played a part in my obsession (and depression) about my weight. My mom, my aunts, and cousins are always talking about being on diets, not eating this and that and so on and so forth. Or how if they could lose this or that? Comparing and contrasting fat, judging others progress… *eye roll* And even more important to note is that most of them are still very much overweight. The problem is they try quick fix diet tricks instead of putting in the work. This includes my mom, the biggest dieter of them all. I have always teased my mom about her dieting. Which she always casually mentions while indulging herself, and vows to start Monday, so she can enjoy her indulging without the guilt. So while talking to my mom one day and joking about her being on a diet (my mom is about a size 10 to put this in perspective…maybe an eight on a good day), she told me there was a reason she did that. She told me the reason she was always on a diet was because of her mom. My grandmother up until her death last year (February 2010) had always been a heavy set woman (having eight kids might do that to you), and most of her sisters (who also each had more than four) were overweight too. My mother said she stayed on a diet to make sure she never got as big as her mother or her aunts. Imagine my surprise when I realized that this was a vicious cycle that had started long before me.

Now let me pause and say that a lot of things contribute to obesity and being overweight in general and when it comes to our family. To me being overweight has a lot to do with what you eat, physical activity, DNA (genes), attitude, ability and determination. First, we as a family love to eat. Our after church meal every week consisted of mac and cheese, meat and gravy, sweet potatoes, greens, corn and green beans, potato salad, fried mushrooms and dessert. EVERY WEEK!!!! And every major holiday (with even more goodies added). I will admit just thinking about is making me hungry. After eating all that we would just sit around and talk. No one suggested a walk or encouraged the kids to go outside and play.  As I said my mom, aunts, and cousins were always passing along new diet information. Always a quick fix never a permanent solution. The ability to do something was always there, but the determination was not.

Skip forward to adult me, struggling to lose weight and become healthy and happy about my body and weight. I have shared my struggles thus far, with 30 pounds down and 30+ more to go, my determination is kicking into high gear. Others have noticed the change, but more than ever I want my family to notice the change. I want them to see and acknowledge the fruits of my labor, so we can change as a family. And that happened for the first time the other day when my mother came to visit. I had not seen her in three months, which in actuality is not a long time, but she commented on my weight loss. At first it was like she always did when she thought I might have been losing weight “oh, are you losing weight? I can tell around there…”, then she would proceed to explain what she was doing to lose weight and how all she needed to do was to lose this or that. *eye roll* I hated when she did that it seem to minimize any hard work I had done. But after she left she called me and said, “You look good. I’ve got to step up my game.” I didn’t ever think I needed a moment like that, but I guess I needed it more than I thought. It has propelled me to want to reach my goal even more as an example to my family that hard work, dedication and attitude make more of a difference than a simple quick fix diet. I want the opportunity to help my family break that vicious cycle, so my younger cousins don’t fall into the same trap. I think I have started it by just being an example.

On the Real: City of Darkness and Saying Goodbye

I've lived in Huntsville now for 8 years (yikes!), and the one thing I have learned is that these meteorologists can not be trusted, so I chose mostly not to look at the news or the weather. (o_o) Last Wednesday, April 27th, started like a typical day...a bit dull and dreary, but typical. I had no idea it was suppose to storm, which I have realized is probably better (as my fear would have been paralyzing had I known the magnitude). Looking back I am quite ashamed of my annoyance, but after being called into the auditorium at 9 and again 11, I was growing weary. I understand it is a security precaution, but it feels like punishment being trapped in a small room with people who feel the need to talk my ear off because they have nothing better to do. My annoyance settled temporarily as I heard the meteorologist say that we had 10 more hours of weather like this…um what?! I have spoken of my fear of storms before and I will say that in part most of my fears of storms lay on the line of rational and irrational ideas of what could happen. But this time it was really happening…(I actually started panicking the day after…). I found out yesterday that 229 tornados actually touched down over 24 hours last week.

When we got home on Wednesday the power was out, it came through our area first. I thought ok it'll be back on later tonight, I even postponed making dinner to wait for the electricity. It never came; I cooked outside on the grill in the middle of a thunderstorm. (-_-) I didn't realize how bad it was until I went out for a drive on Thursday to charge my phone (which was dead which meant no one could contact me, which panicked people) in the car. The whole city was without lights…it was surreal…a whole city paralyzed without electricity. Grocery stores with completely bare shelves and thousands, maybe even millions, of inventory gone. Burglaries started to happen, so they imposed a dust (8pm) to dawn (5:30am) curfew. No gas, stoplights, hot showers… It’s not until you don't have electricity that you realize how much you need it!

I saw Katrina unfold on the news, my heart broke and it was hard to fight back the tears. This situation had the same effect…there were stories of triumph, a 95 year woman who sat in her recliner, covering her head, and rode out the storm will little injuries, and tragedy, a father who gave his life to shield his teenager daughter. Watching this stuff on the news is sad, but seeing it in person being able to drive down the street and realize it missed you by a mile…is nothing to take for granted. Knowing it was around the corner from me gives everything a whole new meaning. To see the neighborhoods that were totally destroyed, nothing left but a pile of wood.

Now I will say that I disagree with the Katrina comparison.  The tragedies that happened here still dull slightly in comparison, but that is my opinion and the government's response will forever suck. There were several major areas of destruction, but a lot was centered in the middle income to upper income neighborhoods which were heavily guarded by the police. I can almost bet they have decent insurance that will set them up in a hotel and fix them up a bigger and better house. I don't want to downplay what they have lost by no means; pictures and family mementos can not be replaced. But I doubt the people in the poorer neighborhoods will be as fortunate. In the end my prayers and help (I did a smidge…) goes out to all my neighbors. We had no lights for four days, we had to throw everything in our fridge out, but in the end I believe we did not suffer at all in comparison.

**************~~~~/~~~~~/~~~~~~/~~~~~~*************-------/--------/--------/--------

We left town soon after realizing that power would not be restored for a while…although I was hopefully. We had planned to go to Atlanta for my father's farewell as associate pastor anyway. During the service I begin to think about when we first moved to Atlanta my eighth grade year. We moved from Chicago when I was 13 years old. I hated it, what teenager wouldn't, being uprooted from their friends and way of life. I struggled for a while with friends and other issues because of my move. I don't think I ever felt at home in Atlanta until I moved to Huntsville for school. We had never been members of a large church, so it was overwhelming when we chose the largest church in the city to become members of. But soon we found our place, especially after my dad became the associate pastor. I think as people bid us farewell at our reception I begin to realize that this indeed was my church family, although until that moment I had never really embraced it. This was a place where I could come to see familiar faces and feel welcomed…and matter to someone. I knew people who had come to my high school graduation, supported me throughout college, and seen me get married. Memories of getting married, watching my brother and sister get baptized. All these memories came flooding back. It was a place where people knew my name, and I actually liked it. I think I began to realize that sometimes you don't realize where home is until you have to leave. I go to the biggest church in the city where I live now and I can tell you, I don't feel a part in many ways, but that was my initial experience in Atlanta. So after the farewell this weekend I am in high hopes that history will repeat itself and I will feel at home again with a new church family.

Workplace Harassment

IF you work in corporate America you have seen the lame workplace harassment videos. You have had to take the training...such a pain. But now that I feel like this is happening to me, I believe this training might have some merit. Perhaps I have a bias view of harassment, so I'll let you decide...I have shorten the stories and details and refrained from including my EXTREME disdain about the situation. But if you have heard it first hand...you know the deal. If not holler at me...

So, I changed buildings almost two years ago. When I got here I had a coworker over here telling me about one of the janitors, who would share personal information about his relationship with his wife and such. At first I felt sorry for him, that he was unhappy in his relationship, I encouraged her to tell him to seek help. Flash forward to last year another coworker starts to receive phone calls at her desk after hours from him. He is making inappropriate remarks and carrying on very unprofessionally, so much that my coworker threatens to tell security since he is calling within the building. Now flash forward to this year, a new coworker transfers over here. She is immediately bombarded by this guy, he dances on the personal line with her, doing just enough to stay legit.

Ok, so knowing all this I have decided to keep my distance, be cordial but that's it. Although we've had a couple run-ins, when he admittedly came at me about smiling after I received a kiss from my husband. (Seriously dude you are just watching my husband and I in the car... O_O). And late last year when he felt slighted because I walked into the lunch room and didn't acknowledge him. (I am here to work, not to socialize). So the other day, my coworker causally mentions that he asked her why I hate him. *Pause* Me not being overly nice to you is hate. Ok. In general I keep my distance from most people at work because, honestly, I don't care to socialize with most of them (mostly has to do with trust, but another story for another time). But in his case it's a personal precaution to keep it at a safe distance, so he doesn't think getting close is an option. *Continues* She goes on to say how he mention my beauty (which my coworker thinks is because he is interested) *eye roll*, and he wanted her to ask me what my deal was. *Pause* Seriously, have we gone back in time to high school, grade school even. Mind you this man is old enough to be my dad. *blank stare* At first I get upset because he is not bold enough to come ask me himself, then I laugh it off because it has no merit and should not even be an issue. So I just brush it off and tell her to tell him if he has an issue he can come to me himself.

So maybe he got the hint because the next day he comes to me and says he needs to ask me something when I get a chance. *scoffs* When I get a chance...um...I'm at work, I only have time to work, it's what I get paid for. Since this was the day of the storm I have yet to see him since then and will NOT be reaching out to him. He can come to me and I will try to be civil...which according to the guy I will not be able to do. The thing is I am very uncomfortable around this guy, I hate walking by him or even being around him. He creates a semi-hostile environment for me, and I don't like it.

At this point I feel like I am being harassed and perhaps I'm being dramatic, but people are CRAZY. And I don't want to risk anything taking a chance on a crazy person. So pray my strength during this situation cause workplace harassment is a serious issue. And further more since I rarely talk at work I would hate for the first extended conversation my coworkers hear me having is me laying out the janitor. *black woman stare*

It's My Birthday

I am thankful for another year of life...my birthday was very uneventful and I don't mind. I found myself in the spa...so I am happy.

Brithday Joys

So next Wednesday is the big day, my birthday and entrance into my "late" twenties…LOL

I have no (big) plans, the only thing I really want is to be in someone's spa for at least an hour.

Last year I wanted to do something big because it was the big 25, but that was downgraded which in the end was much better. I appreciate my birthdays now more for the reflection I get to use them for. Last year was a year to remember not because of how great, but because of the all the lessons learned. Since then I believe I have truly done some major work on myself (inside and out). I am more content with the state of my life and how things are working out. I am more willing to accept the here and now instead of what could be. If I did nothing but lay in bed and around my house for my birthday I would be fine. Because ultimately a (paid) day off work is awesome by itself, and a blessing in the times we are living in. I am very blessed and I am taking note of that. The Lord has been working some major miracles and I am too thankful and delighted.

I have seen myself grow a lot this year. I have found my strength in areas of my life that I never thought I could. I have gained control over certain things in my life. I have reached goals I knew were possible, but had never tried. I have recognized weaknesses that I have that make me both empowered and fearful.

All this helps me realize the getting older does really help you get better.

So here’s to another year!

Storms and Sunshine

So to know me is to know that I am TERRIFIED (deathly afraid) of storms…I don't know where this fear came from and I know it’s not logical. My fear of storms is as practical as people's fears about spiders, heights, and so on and so forth. When I was younger, during a storm, I used to spend the night in my parents closet during storms. As I got older and went to college it was less feasible (and less cool) to do this. So I suffered in silence and basically went the night without any sleep. Now that I am older and married sleeping in the closet is still not an option, but I have learned how to sleep a little through the storms especially if I don't focus on them (I do this by keeping the covers over my head).

So whenever there is a storm I want to be somewhere safe and sound (preferably a solid structure of some sort). There is nothing that magnifies my terror more than being in a car during a storm (and driving through one personally is a sure way to give me a heart attack). Yesterday there was a wave of storms that came through the south. I didn't even know it was going to storm; it's probably better that way, so I was panicking all day. Anyway the storms decided not to hit my part of Alabama until around the time it was time for me to leave work. This meant I would be in the car on my way home during the time when the storm was suppose to hit the hardest. I was calm at first because most time the meteorologists here exaggerate. But when I got in the car the radio was on and they had been feeding us emails at work, so soon I panicked! Full on panic, irrational panic…thinking of whether I would have to jump in a ditch to avoid an impending tornado. I prayed all the way home…once I was home I was fine. Thankful I had made it in one piece.

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining so bright and there was not a cloud in the sky. It made me think of Noah and how after everything finally stopped and they were able to get off the boat what a comfort the rainbow must have been. I let my imagination take flight and imagined it was a day like today, not a cloud in the sky, just the sun and God's rainbow.

Days like today always puzzle me, but they also give me something to look forward too after the storm. It makes me wonder how the sky could turn so ugly and produce such a mass order of disarray, yet turn into something so beautiful and awe-inspiring. I guess perhaps if I focused more on the next day I would be less afraid of the current storm. It's much like real life. Everyday brings some challenge to face and overcome some obstacle to get over or around. Focusing on the 'sunny' days can make even the stormy ones a blessing knowing that the best is yet to come.

God Willing and the creek don't rise...relationship anxiety and other random stuff that I was thinking about

I don't know, but that title makes me giggle and yet brings me comfort all at the same time...and I thought it would be a great title for this post. While some is random and maybe incoherent (to some)...it make sense to me.

I don't talk to many people these days, so when I do get the chance it's nice until they start asking about children or encouraging me to move. If I am fine with my life the way it is...can't you be also?

Ok so my rant comes from a conversation I had with someone yesterday. I think that first problem was that I picked up the phone to talk when I wasn't in the mood to talk. Anywho we started talking and as I usually do when we talk I allowed her to carry the conversation. Toward the middle it got kind of dry, so she pulled out the usual "when are you all having kids" question. Too tired to come up with something sarcastic I politely answered. Then we got on the topic of friends, being married and moving on... I won't even get into the entire conversation, but basically she blamed my nonchalantness toward "our friends" on my being married. -_- Seriously. Ok, I'm done.

So...recently I've been exploring my sensitive side. *blank stare* So I have been actively rehashing the past to dig up and hopefully get over some feelings I have had toward people. I find that I don't hold grudges (or maybe I do), but I remember them, vividly. Some may find this to be a bad thing mainly because why bring up the past. But the more I contemplate the more I understand that the past shapes us and how we address certain situations and issues. I am the way I am because of my past situations... Before I divulge anymore I have learned some important facts (and fiction) that I believe makes me who I am today.

Fact: At some point at life everyone hurts you...how you deal with this can strengthen or destroy a relationship
Fact: Everyone is Not your friend...some people are just nice, but they are not your friends
Fact: Everyone does Not have your best interest in mind. Period.
Fact: Forgiveness is the first step to help you move up, and more importantly, on
Fact: Silence can be golden, sometimes saying nothing speaks in more volumes
Fact: Relationship growth and acceptance is key for better relationships
Fiction: Shutting everyone out will not make anything easier *repeats over and over*
Fiction: Once friends always friends



Now let's have story time:

I get a text from a friend telling me about a party at another friend's house. This is the second message of this kind, so slightly annoyed I haven't heard from the other friend I text them to see what the deal is. They confirm the party then request my assistance in helping with the party. My response...oh ok when? *blank stare*

I have been texting and calling a friend since last October...no response until almost a month ago. Then she texted me two weeks ago asking for my help in a fashion show she was doing. My response...sure. *blank stare*

Last year a friend told me I was cold and aloof (ok so didn't use those words but I summarized)...hurt me to the core. But I would still do almost anything for her. *sad face*

What I have learned:

I have a hard time saying no...when it comes to certain (most) people. I have a hard time expressing myself because basically people suck a understanding your point of view and/or even listening to you. And the funny thing is most people wouldn't even describe me as a pushover...I struggle with balance in most of my friendships and it causes a bad case of relationship (friendship) anxiety that carries over into so many facets of my life. So much to the point now I shrink at the thought of making 'friends' or keeping some of the old.

But I still thank God for the lessons I have learned and the ones I hope help me through this.

I don't care...at least for now

Disclaimer: This is my blog! Mine. My blog is my blog. I write on it what I want... when I want. I blog because I want to because I LOVE to write. I write because it's freeing...no judgement just my words uninhibited. Nothing. It's a way to clear my head. And at this point I write cause I don't care...what you think. *exhales*

Random Passing Thoughts

It looks so beautiful outside…can't wait to get out there! And it's the weekend…YAY! Finally, this week I've gotten less than adequate sleep, and my body doesn't know how to act. Oh well. Anyway spring is here, GEEKED! Even though spring here last all of a week. First, it warms up then it cools down, then it jumps to hot. :-/ Next time I move, I'm moving somewhere they have all the seasons (especially my two favorites spring and fall).

Sitting here bopping to Cece Winans "I am" and thinking about the things I say then regret. Slightly annoyed I have to adapt to my surroundings because people are sensitive…and annoyed that I am sensitive cause of their sensitivity. I'm such a softy sometimes. Oh great now, Kirk Franklin's "More Than I can Bare" is on. Creepy guy keeps coming over to the breakroom and staring in my cube. I hate sitting across from the breakroom. He's so creepy...being here with him alone...smh. He probably wants to chat…Pass. 

I am very sensitive (internally) to people's words. I rarely share my sensitivity, I usually try to get over it. And I can forgive, but I very rarely forget…a blessing and a curse. I like this song. Probably because it reminds me of my teenage years. Good times. It has a good message too. I need to get this CD on my phone ASAP. I liked most of the songs. I like Kirk Franklin, thinking about picking up his new CD. I am using a lot of commas, some correct, some not, but it's to show the pauses that I have in my thinking.

I should do more of these random passing thought post more often. They are so much fun. It's like emptying your brain. I promised to help someone do something Saturday night, now I am mad I did although I don't have any plans. Alright, Marvin Sapp "Praise Him in Advance," someone had that line as a gtalk status "…praise will confuse the enemy…" didn't realize it came from this song. I knew it sounded familiar. Lol. I finished Women of Brewster Place for the second time. I like that movie, people say For Colored Girls is a remake of that. I think both movies help give black woman a voice. Most times we are portrayed as crazy these movies show our sensitive, vulnerable side which helps make us stronger (makes sense in my head).

I will probably post this without a proofread, so excuse any errors (or don't…I don't care either way…ha!). You know what I hate…people not following through with stuff they said they were going to do. I HATE THAT. If you said you were coming to call me back, or text me back. Or invite me over for dinner. Or have lunch with me. Or listen to a song I wrote. Or gtalk me back. Or start a new hobby. DO IT! I hate the lack of discipline some people have. Bygones.

Yes! Clark sisters "Is My Living in Vain?" bops head….*pretends to play the keyboard* I sooo happy right now (despite my minor annoyance)! I think that's my usually thing. I need to get annoyed (and be less internally sensitive) less. :-| Note to self…

Ok, I could do this for a while, but I this post would be super du duper long. So I'll stop here…and bid you a happy, spring filled weekend. *still bopping to The Clark Sisters*

From Extrovert to Introvert by Circumstances...

First, you must know that I am/was currently/once was an extrovert. I was drawn to all things social. I held class or student association office every year throughout high school and college. I was involved in numerous other school and church activities. I always had something going on at my house during the weekends. I can not remember a time when I wasn't a social butterfly...well until now. 


I feel like what was once a social butterfly is going back in time to become a catepillar. I'm no Emily Dickinson (that's who I think of when I think introvert...I know it's a bit extreme), but at times I feel close compared to my former self.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with being an introvert, but I guess I just never expected it to be my story. It feels as though my wings have been clipped. I still like to hang out, but being alone has become quite appealing. But at times, I must admit, this causes a debilating jealousy for those who still have a social life, but I guess I've learned to shurg it off to life. 


Some may chalk this change up to my maturity and need to move up and on, but some think it is merely a chance of circumstances. The theories of both are plausible. Perhaps in my youth I was more prone to want company, but now in my adulthood I am statisfied being by myself. Or perhaps because I have less like-minded people around me available to keep me company, I am less likely to want to hang out and, therefore, have no choice by to be be myself (both theories suck and exploring them further would just make me head hurt, so I'll leave it at that).


I suppose either way I need to be contentment, my ultimate goal in life, which means embracing my new found (potential) introvert personality....*here's to solitude*