Resisting the urge to cry...again

Right now I am truly resisting the urge to cry...again. Yes I have already done that once this week, twice would be just asking for trouble. The thing is right now I feel so useless. I feel very dependent upon people. I feel almost handicapped (which would give me a good reason to be dependent upon them in the first place). I am use to doing everything by myself yet lately it seems like I can not do anything by myself. I am used to be the helper and the helpee. This has truly been an humbling experience. I feel so helpless... I guess this is God's way of trying to get my attention. I know he wants me to surrender to Him. So, why is this so hard? He has never failed me so I guess I show look at His track record and fear no more. I know He's got to be up to something because clearly I'm down to nothing. So for now I successfully resisted...but what next?

Reality Check

This week (from Sunday to Tuesday) I have witnessed several people who need a reality check. Not your typical reality check. The reality check that "you're not the only person in the world, whose opinions matter or who has the last say in what goes on."
The reality is that they are surrounded by people who have the same ability to do exactly what they do and perhaps at times can do it better. Of course, I know the saying if you want stuff done than do it yourself but there is a time a place. These fundmentals lessons learned at the earliest stages of life are the foundation of how relationships are bulit and maintained. If you ask me I will tell you, "everything you learned in kindergarten is essential for marriage and relationships."
You see the fact of the matter is until you truly realize and accept the fact that you are not alone you will never be able to learn to let others help you. So they do it a different way...it's done, right? So they think or act ( or even re-act) differently...so do you. This world is full of people, other than you, who have learned to work together instead of create confusion in an already confused world.

What can I give?

So I haven't written in forever, why? I guess you could say that I've been busy. No really I have. I usually write when there's something heavy on my heart (and I believe this is as good a time as any). Recently I have just been feeling kind anxious about the future (among other things). Don't get me wrong there not life threatening things but... the one person I really care to share it with doesn't seem to have the time to talk to me about it. Just now sitting here writing about makes me feel a lot better. I'm trying not to be selfish (I've realized it's something I have to work on) but...I guess there is no excuse. Anyway been using some time to really think some things through. I realized what is truly important to me...caring for and helping the peopel I truly love and cherish. I know it sounds cheesy but it makes a difference.
I want vow this day to never put work or anything else before the people I love. There are times when people just want you there to listen to them, you don't have to solve their problems. They just want your attention. No one wants to be second rate your work, extracurricular activity, date, etc. People you love who want your attention usually deserve you attention (your undivided attention and perhaps at times some understanding). And your should be more than willing to abilige them, afterall what are they the most important people in your life?
Like I said I'm working on being selfish. I want to give double of what I take. Those around me, give me so much. Of course I will never be able to pay them for everything there worth but I can try with my time. These are the people I find security in, the ones I can try count on. So shouldn't they be able to find the same thing in me?
I listened to a friend the other day and even though I felt like I was as much help as the pillow sitting beside me on my bed, I was happy she felt she could confide in me. Her friendship means a lot to me and the least (very least) I could do is listen.
Ok so now that I have gotten that off my chest, I guess I'll leave you with this thought: Want to be the perfect [friend, parent, girlfriend, boyfriend, next door neighbor, uncle, aunt, cousin]? Listen, give your time, its the one thing that doesn't cost but will reap endless rewards. You'll be surprised at the difference it will make, in your life and theirs'.

I'm finished!

I finally finished with my internship. I finished last Friday and it was kind of sad leaving. I mean I wanted to get home but I also enjoyed most of the people I had the opportunity to work with. This summer was crazy...the people...the places...the people...the scenery...did I mention the people? It was truly an experience...not good or bad. It was just that...an experience. An experience that taught me a number of things that I was always remember. I also learned some important life lessons.

Life Lesson #1:
The bare essentials will never let you down

Life Lesson #2:
Where there's a will there's a way

Life Lesson #3:
If attitude determines alitude and action speaks louder than words...then I am headed for the moon and I'm making moves and strides all the way there

Life Lesson #4:
Good things come to those who wait...patiently and prayfully

And so many more. What can I say about this summer? "All [good or bad] things must come to an end."

The Love of My Life

(I took this picture of him)

This is the love of my life. My whole world has revolved around him since the day that I met

him. He is the greatest thing that has happen to me. I have waited with bated breathe

for him to feel the same way I feel about him. Every morning he is the first thing on my mind

and the last thing when I go to bed. My dreams center around him. He is the

protype. Sometimes I ask myself, "Where would I be without him? or "How did I make it

without him in my life?" I owe all my inspiration to him. Whenever he is not near me I feel as

though I am not complete. Every story, song, or poem reminds me of him. I would for cross the

ocean for him. I would go and bring him the moon. I just want to thank him in advance!

*This is not a joke

"Awkward" times

So for the first time in my life I am discovering the unknown. I am truly ready and willing to through caution to the wind and put everything "comfortable" out on the line. Fearful of exactly what might happen I wasn't giving my all... but today I realized after what seemed like eternity is timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.

I thought once I got what I had prayed for things would just fall into place. And that plan quickly was proved false. It's the "awkward" moments in life that make you cherish the initial moments, that were truly well spent. You have to work at it "like a crack addict" (thanks Bow Wow) the harder you work the greater the rewards.

It dawned on me nothing beats a failure but a try.... Trite saying but it makes sense. If you try one way try it another way then another way (and another). I am truly starting to believe life is what you make of it. You are the greatest decider of your fate.

"Make wise choices and decisions" -Jynean Palmer Reid

The reality of what is...

...the ring is off... :)

A lesson learned the hard way...is a lesson learned

Since I have been out here in what I call my "wilderness experience" my mind has started to wonder. I have realized some things that I probably would have not seen if I have been well...comfortable.

You think that you are satisfied with all that you have until you find something else you want. The best things that happen in your life happen when you are not paying attention. The most important thing I can get anything out of the trials and tribulations of life are the lessons. While I was busy living...life has been going on...and I have gotten wiser. Crying doesn't make the problem go away but it sure makes you feel better and releases some tension inside. Silence is golden. And when silence is just not enough you can say always say it with music. If you love someone eventually they will find out (you determine how soon or how late they found out). If you close your eyes and let your mind wonder...you can dream up anything. Pretty soon you will have to follow your own advice. Trying to avoid the inevitable is more trouble then you probably have time for ("to thine own self be...honest"). Forgiveness is key. The Lord gives you ways out...take yours today. If strangers can see it...then there is not much more proof you need. There is always a reason that people are placed in you life...it's at the rarest times you find out why.

What lessons have you learned the hard way?

Lots of Love

I miss you all so much. :'(

But I send lots of love. =)

Black and White...and shades of grey

Everything is not black and white.
They are large areas of grey.
Beware of the grey areas!!!

Unfinished Blogs

So you have an idea expect you don't know how to express exactly what you want to say. Well these are a few blogs that I started and just never finished. I thought I should mash them together make them one big blog of unfinished thoughts. Feel free to finish them yourself.

Passion...
What exactly is it? It’s your obsession. Do you have a passion for...fashion? Could it be fashion or cooking? It’s what makes you smile, it’s what you love. You don't have to be the best at your passion or know the most about it. It might even be something that just recently learned you love. It's important to you. Yous always willing to learn more about it. You don't care what else it keeps you from...you want it.

Right now I have a passion for life. I want to live it to the fullest. I never thought of myself as spontaneous but it seems now I want to do more and more. I want to make sure that I have not...

Self Renewal
Every year I pick a theme for that particular year. Well this year the theme is renewal. When I first thought of the word I wasn’t exactly sure why I picked it but now I think I know why. Self renewal is important… I feel like there is no time like the present to renew yourself. How? By looking on the inside. So many times we are quick to blame others for our shortcomings. I have learned that if I don’t define who I am for myself then others will do it for me. But if I have to...

Who’s to blame?
Okay let’s play the blame game. It is your fault because it can’t be my fault maybe it’s her fault or his fault. Why is it we find it so hard to admit our downfalls and shortcomings? Why is it so hard to face up to the fact that it just might be your fault?

Taking a stand…or leaving it to chance
What do you do when you have done all you can? How can you make a difference in a situation when you feel insignificant? There are times in life when you MUST take a stand. You take a stand or else you leave everything to chance. By saying nothing you have said everything. Ignoring something, thinking that it will go away does not get rid of the problems; problems need to be faced head on. So what is best way to take a stand?

Guess what my fortune cookie said today?
Investigate new possbilities with friends. Now is the time!
[Hint, hint (nudge, nudge)]
So friends let the new possibilities roll... ;-D

Where is Jailyn now...Dothan, AL.

Okay well I was going to do a tribute to my favorite group of all time but I need more time. So you have to settle for my babble.

Let's see saturday night we went to go see The Breakup with Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn (which I think is like the white version of Two can Play that Game). Basically it is the art of game-playing which men and women play daily with each other in and out of realtionships. I thought it was funny which was a good thing. The ending is unpredictable but very ironic.

Well today I was feeling kinda of sick so I didn't really want to get out bed but I forced myself up and out after midafternoon. Anyway we went back to pensacola beach to hang out. We went bungee trampoline jumping (guess I can cross that off "my list" of things to do). Then we did a little shopping. Played a little air hockey (I won't tell you who won). So it was actually a nice end to our time in Pensacola.

Next stop Panama City, FL. See you there.

Change is Good

Change is good. I went to the beauty shop today and resisted the urge to cut my hair (just kidding). Anyway I love beauty shop banter. It's so funny, we are a funny race. Anyway I just wanted to do something different so there it is. Well I went there with a picture (I wanted more blond but I will get it before the school year) and the beautican did her own thing but whatever it's okay. I didn't ask for a miracle which is what some people do... So new things, I guess we'll se what comes next.

I'm smiling...

and I must say, it feels good =D! I hope this smile is contagious.

What a difference a day makes

What a difference a day makes... Ever wondered what would have happened if you said that differently or if you had done that differently? The slightest adjustment could have made a world of difference. Ever wanted to get a "do over"? Perhaps you wanted to make a better first impression...or maybe you just wanted to change the outfit you wore. A day, 24 hours, 1440 mins can make a world of difference. Doesn't seem like a long time does it? Well consider this... the child that was just born, the couple that just got engaged, or the person who just recieved the organ off the donor list. To all of them one day made a huge difference. Ask them if they would have changed anything about that day. What changes an ordinary day to an extraordinary day? Is it in what you say or how you act? Could it be the way you dress or the hairstyle you wear? I don't know, could be. Whatever the case maybe know this a day makes a big difference. Ask the person who just realized they fell in love or the person who won the lottery...what difference a day makes.


So what difference does a day make? A HUGE one. Make today an EXTRAordinary day! ;-)

Committment

While watching Cake for the second time I realized that while no one wants to be alone we are all a bit fearful of committment. Of course some of us are not necessarily ready for marriage right now. That is fine but is our fear of the unknown what scares us the most? Perhaps. But can the one thing that our heart uses as a defense hinder us from what we truly want? Being too cautious is almost as dangerous as being to open. On my path to self discovery (which is more like finding the exact path the Lord wants me to be on) I have realized when I stand up to the things I fear the most that when the sense of accomplishment is the strongest. I never thought of myself as scared of marriage but we learn new things everyday. I am not scared of marriage or anything but while watching the movie I have realized there are some issues that I need to overcome. I am ready to love...but am I ready to be loved?

PS So I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish during the summer. Well one thing was to write a play so I have started. The play is called Hopelessly Devoted: then act like it. It's coming along pretty good so far.

PPS I'm in Pensacola, Flordia (I get to go to the beach tommorrow, hopefully)

Random Acts of Kindness

So we were in Jackson, MS for about a week. On thursday we met with a pastor (Pastor Yelorda, he just graudated from Andrews Seminary in December, Alumni of Oakwood College) to get the books for his church. This meant that I didn't have to drive all the way to Brokhaven the next day about an hour and a half drive. Okay well he also informed us that he would performing a wedding in Texas on sunday and that he could also drop off the books for his other church with us on saturday night on his way to Texas. Not only would he drop them off he was going to pick them up Monday. What a blessing! Okay so he comes by the hotel on Saturday night and drops the things off. This saved me almost 5 hours of driving (so you can see how grateful I was). Well he steps in the hotel to talk to us (about our plans for Memorial day) for about a minute and a half.

You'll never guess what happens next...

his car gets stolen.

Right right in front us (basically). Well the another pastor from Yazoo City (Pastor Johnson and hiis wife, Melissa: also Alumni of Oakwood College) come and get Pastor Yelorda. So they take him back to their house to stay with them. After that they let him use their car to go home and drive until he gets another one. What wonderful friends! The blessing is that God saw this before it was going to happen. He also saw what could have happened if the pastor had driven that night. He always has your best interest at hand. We may not always see the good but it's coming.

Well even after all this they (Pastor (Seth) Yelorda, Pastor (Juleun) Johnson, and his wife Melissa) all agree to meet us on Monday to do something for Memorial day with us. So we all (my partner, Laketia, and the other group Jen and Candace, and me of course) go out for Memorial day. This weekend might not have been all I wanted it to be but it was what it was for a reason.

Random Acts of Kindness you never know who they might affect.

The worst kind of love

I am just a little birdie sent to whisper in your ear
To tell you some things you might not want to hear
You’re losing a love that is meant just for you
Act quick or else what you once knew to be true
…will be through

In a world that is so consumed with the idea of love comes the next best thing…lust. Of course the good thing about lust is that eventually it will go away especially when all the excitement is gone. With lust comes excitement and without excitement there is no lust. Lust is unreal and untouchable; love is knowing the hardcore truth and still choosing to stay.

But the worst of love is unrequited love. Unrequited love…a love that is but can not be. You love…but that is it. Is your love in vain? Who’s to say? Unrequited love requires patience and much finesse especially if you want it to become more. This kind of love pays attention to detail when normally you could care less about it. This love is persistent; it hangs on the whims of possibilities.

You see you thing is very rarely do you find someone who will put up with your crap (and believe me, it’s crap). Someone who cares about what you do for a living or what you want to do for a living. It is rare to find someone who knows how to make you the perfect salad (olives (-/+), tomatoes (-/+), salad dressing (-/+)).

Fear of commitment holds some back but some use it as a crutch, making up excuses or playing games. The one thing that messes people is thinking that they will miss out on “the next best thing.” Waiting on the next best thing makes you miss out on the “the greatest thing.”

Don’t miss out, this could be your last chance. Because if you won’t... someone else will!

Smooches. ;-D

Where's Jailyn?

Okay kids get your map.

I'm in Jackson, Mississippi on my way to Hattiesburg, Mississippi.

See ya' soon

Time for Regret

In 1998 we moved from chicago to atlanta for my dad to take the position as treasurer at the South Atlantic Conference. Well yesterday evening the "conference officials" decided to give his position to someone else. At that moment when I heard that a wave of regret flushed over me. How could they do this to him? to us? to me? We left so much when we left Chicago, we left family (which included 2 fosters children) and friends. We sacrificed to go to atlanta. My mom had to sell her dental practice, which took her 5 years to sell. She traveled back and forth by plane and car for 5 years just because of this job. I was uprooted during the peak of my teenage years (I know I need it to sound dramatic!). For about a year I struggled with a lot of issues. Issues I thought could have been avoided if I had stayed in Chicago.

But...

Where would I be now if my dad hadn't taken the position? I don't know. What I do know is this when God is leading there is no time for regret. Many of us (inlcuding me) want the God's destination for our lives but we don't want to follow His plans to get there. This is perhaps why we sometimes fall by the wayside and have to cry out in despair for His help. It's God's destination He knows the best way there and He knows the pitfalls before and has already set provisions for you to make it through. You got to trust Him ( I am talking to myself too). Now even if you do decide to venture off on your own God's got a backup plan can still lead you to your destination. Of course the course might change and the road travelled might be different but if He is leading everything will be fine. My God is a god of plans (and backup plans and backup plans and even more backup plans).

Anyway I am not sure now what daddy is going to do perhaps pastor a church (even though I think he should find a job in the world to use his MBA and make six figures but remember kids money isn't everything). We might have to move...again. I don't know. I just prayed that our steps are ordered.

And if besides if I hadn't moved I might not have ever met such wonderful people...Melanie, Michele, Krystle, Javario, Matt and the list goes on. I wouldn't have been as outgoing as I today (moving does that to you...it forces you to get out there; It's do or die). I learned so much and I grew so much during the move. I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today. So...I guess there isn't really a time for regret when you are working within God's plans. ;-D