So, I've been compared to Joan (Tracee Ellis-Ross) off of Girlfriends, Khadjiah (Queen Latifah) of Living Single, I don't mind cause they are the 'alpha-females' in their groups. They are the strong, successful, and wise ones that others depend on. I love Joan, she's quirky and she loves holidays (as do I), and Khadijah, so cool and determined. These women I can identify with. Don't get me wrong they had their issues. One being that they are dedicated and loyal to their friends, at times so much their issues go unnoticed by those around them. I can relate to that, but never viewed it as an issue until now, sort of...
Today, I was compared with Patricia 'Patty' (Janet Jackson) from Why Did I Get Married Too? This is the first time I had been compared from the negative side, so needless to say I was less than accepting of this comparison, but it was funny, and I did appreciate the depth of Janet's character. Perfect Patty was the rock of her friendship with her other three friends. She gave solid advice, was successful and most importantly she was there for her friends when they needed her. As most of you know, if you have seen it, she loses it in the end...completely blows her top...breaking stuff, smoking, drinking..she's off...really off and unstable (lol!). Now would be the time to ask, "are you on the verge of losing it?" Lol, I don't think so. However, I can totally understand why those around me would think that I resemble her. Although the one big question I must ask is, "were her friends really there for her?" Do you think she felt comfortable laying her issues on them after what she knew about them? Did she feel comfortable to share with them? Sometimes one person's friendship is more beneficial to the other. Seems to me in the movie her friends were more consumed with what was going on with them, most of the time, that they rarely tried to see if she needed help until it was too late. We all got issues and problems if you look closely, you usually can see them. There are people who keep their issues/problems under wraps, but slowly they start to burst at the seams. Things kept in the dark are never kept there for long.
I did some blogs earlier about how/why I don't share as much and about friendships but here is a brief recap: I talk to very few people because I feel very few people would understand or care to understand my problems/issues. I talk to my husband because as of August 10, 2008 he became my best friend, and I feel the need to rely on him a lot as my life partner. I blog more than talk because sometimes just getting stuff out in black and white makes things much clearer to me, it organizes the chaos in my head. I talk to myself because sometimes things should be kept close. I talk to God cause he's always got my back and I never have to worry about him judging me. The fact of the matter is the older you get the less you share because the more you feel you know or recognize you can handle things on your own. I don't want to become of one of those old cynical people, pessimistic about love, life and relationships, but I have to be careful with whom I share. I have to know the person has my best interest in mind, that they care, that they will not share the information I give and that they have a vested interest in me. I just want to feel 'safe' when I share and I rarely feel that, so I rarely share. But most of us have come to a point in life where we don't share as much, we don't need each other as much, and I think that's ok at least for now.
All this realization had made me that see that there is always room for improvement. I am not perfect and I actually appreciate the "callout." I Hope I never lose it like that, but if I do at least someone 'told me so.' :)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
On the Real...and *sigh*
This weekend was girls weekend complete with sushi (I loved it!), massages, and painting, it was such a breath of fresh air. I had so much fun. We also went wedding dress shopping…I think she found 'the one' but only time will tell. I am very blessed to have 2 friends in my life that I can travel with, and who understand me (cause they are so much like me…lol!!). This weekend I realized the bond I have with them can not be recreated in my relationships with others because ours is an unique one. They really encourage me to be better and try new things…it was like a prudish control-freaks united convention. (LOL)
I presented them with a situation this weekend, and they both gave me the same direct answer. Of course I was testing to see how they would answer, but when they did it made me realize that creeping compromise is dangerous. Honestly I knew the answer, and they were right, and it sent my head swirling. Also it made me step back and think if sometimes being too nice is a problem. To be completely honestly I've rarely had that problem except with my friendships. However recently I have been slipping and it's time to get back on track. I can not allow the things in this world to have me falter.
These are some of the things floating around in my mind and heavy on my heart after my question. They are in no way complete or in any order. They are different things that have made me think this weekend. Part of me wants to go into details, but I don't have the time or patience, so for now I just *sigh* about them.
I feel like not much can be accomplished unless you put your foot down. I am not one to talk, but I think that too many times we are not direct about how we feel and it leads us into temptation and gets us in trouble. If we don't show people what we stand for we will fall for anything. I had an incident that happened in April that made me understand the more you allow people to come in and say anything to you the more accepting you become of it. Causally dismissing it is not enough. You have to shutdown the advances of those who seek to 'harm' you intentional or unintentional. Your first line of defense is your willingness to be forthright and honest with yourself and others. My aunt mentioned a phrase and it has stuck with me, I'll blog about it again later…but it's creeping compromise. So many times for short lived pleasure we abandon our morals and values, and what you know is right. The thing is most times we know when we are guilty of it, and yet we choose to continuously ignore it and put ourselves at a disadvantage. We allow others to take advantage of us... *sigh*
Next, I am having an issue with taking people's word for it. So recently as I have blogged about I am apart of the social networking phenomenon in the form of twitter, and very rarely facebook…I also gatlk, IM and BBM. So, when communicating on twitter, gtalk, IM, BBM all you can go off it what people tell you. You can gather bits and pieces based off of others perception of them or even what they say in general, but still it's completely up to them the picture they convey. So with that being said I have to be careful of what I believe which is hard for me because I like to take people's word for it. I want to trust and believe people. Usually you are innocent with me until proven guilty. I truly believe 'word is bond' in the truest form. I struggle with this because sometimes I can't read people over the Internet like I can in real life and that disturbs me. I can't see fully if you are telling me the truth or pulling the wool over my eyes. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis because at the end of the day all I have is your word. *sigh*
Finally, I realize the female perspective on certain issues differs vastly from the male perspective. Yes, I know you already knew that, but I am opening it up like that anyway. :) Recently I've been bothered by the male/female interaction that I have encountered by my peers. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to police other actions or perhaps I am. I bothered partly because I don't believe we are not being honest enough with other which is a completely different story, but true. My main problem at this moment is that I know for a fact some women's insecurities stem directly from the way they are treated by their significant others. Most times these small acts or comments from a significant other can take a big toll. They are mostly not meant with malice or hurtful intentions, and are sometimes not noticed or talked about, but can be magnified during altercations and such. To help you understand more I'll give you a scenario...your significant other has a friend that he occasionally flirts with. Harmless, right? Probably so, but it bothers you, and sometimes it makes you insecure about yourself. So here's the thing, I think it is completely unnecessary, childish and immature to act like a fool in this situation. Better you sit down and discuss it with your significant other, and not the other party involved as your business should not be with them. However, many people do not realize what a small situation like this can do to the female perspective (pysche). This small incident can make her feel insecure, less sure of herself. Bigger incidents like this can lead a strong, secure, independent woman to became an insecure, bitter, and defensive little girl. I understand that sometimes like I said this is not done with malice intent, but it is and can be damage done. The small comments about other women's features, the pleasure you find in other women's company, the sly comments you make to or about other women in her presence. Though small and, at times, insignificant are making more of big deal than you think. I am not saying that a woman has no stake in it, it is her responsibility to make sure she is being upfront and direct with you so on and so forth. But I have seen the demise of many women because of the inability of her significant other to recognize the damage he's done knowingly and even unknowingly. *sigh*
I presented them with a situation this weekend, and they both gave me the same direct answer. Of course I was testing to see how they would answer, but when they did it made me realize that creeping compromise is dangerous. Honestly I knew the answer, and they were right, and it sent my head swirling. Also it made me step back and think if sometimes being too nice is a problem. To be completely honestly I've rarely had that problem except with my friendships. However recently I have been slipping and it's time to get back on track. I can not allow the things in this world to have me falter.
These are some of the things floating around in my mind and heavy on my heart after my question. They are in no way complete or in any order. They are different things that have made me think this weekend. Part of me wants to go into details, but I don't have the time or patience, so for now I just *sigh* about them.
I feel like not much can be accomplished unless you put your foot down. I am not one to talk, but I think that too many times we are not direct about how we feel and it leads us into temptation and gets us in trouble. If we don't show people what we stand for we will fall for anything. I had an incident that happened in April that made me understand the more you allow people to come in and say anything to you the more accepting you become of it. Causally dismissing it is not enough. You have to shutdown the advances of those who seek to 'harm' you intentional or unintentional. Your first line of defense is your willingness to be forthright and honest with yourself and others. My aunt mentioned a phrase and it has stuck with me, I'll blog about it again later…but it's creeping compromise. So many times for short lived pleasure we abandon our morals and values, and what you know is right. The thing is most times we know when we are guilty of it, and yet we choose to continuously ignore it and put ourselves at a disadvantage. We allow others to take advantage of us... *sigh*
Next, I am having an issue with taking people's word for it. So recently as I have blogged about I am apart of the social networking phenomenon in the form of twitter, and very rarely facebook…I also gatlk, IM and BBM. So, when communicating on twitter, gtalk, IM, BBM all you can go off it what people tell you. You can gather bits and pieces based off of others perception of them or even what they say in general, but still it's completely up to them the picture they convey. So with that being said I have to be careful of what I believe which is hard for me because I like to take people's word for it. I want to trust and believe people. Usually you are innocent with me until proven guilty. I truly believe 'word is bond' in the truest form. I struggle with this because sometimes I can't read people over the Internet like I can in real life and that disturbs me. I can't see fully if you are telling me the truth or pulling the wool over my eyes. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis because at the end of the day all I have is your word. *sigh*
Finally, I realize the female perspective on certain issues differs vastly from the male perspective. Yes, I know you already knew that, but I am opening it up like that anyway. :) Recently I've been bothered by the male/female interaction that I have encountered by my peers. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to police other actions or perhaps I am. I bothered partly because I don't believe we are not being honest enough with other which is a completely different story, but true. My main problem at this moment is that I know for a fact some women's insecurities stem directly from the way they are treated by their significant others. Most times these small acts or comments from a significant other can take a big toll. They are mostly not meant with malice or hurtful intentions, and are sometimes not noticed or talked about, but can be magnified during altercations and such. To help you understand more I'll give you a scenario...your significant other has a friend that he occasionally flirts with. Harmless, right? Probably so, but it bothers you, and sometimes it makes you insecure about yourself. So here's the thing, I think it is completely unnecessary, childish and immature to act like a fool in this situation. Better you sit down and discuss it with your significant other, and not the other party involved as your business should not be with them. However, many people do not realize what a small situation like this can do to the female perspective (pysche). This small incident can make her feel insecure, less sure of herself. Bigger incidents like this can lead a strong, secure, independent woman to became an insecure, bitter, and defensive little girl. I understand that sometimes like I said this is not done with malice intent, but it is and can be damage done. The small comments about other women's features, the pleasure you find in other women's company, the sly comments you make to or about other women in her presence. Though small and, at times, insignificant are making more of big deal than you think. I am not saying that a woman has no stake in it, it is her responsibility to make sure she is being upfront and direct with you so on and so forth. But I have seen the demise of many women because of the inability of her significant other to recognize the damage he's done knowingly and even unknowingly. *sigh*
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Unadulterated Truth
Every time I pass a funeral home or cementary and I see an ongoing service my heart hurts. I imagine the hurt and sorrow that must be going on. What that person meant to those in attendance. How much they are loved and how much they will be missed. My heart goes out to the family and friends, sometimes I even say a prayer for their peace. I don't think much can sting as much as the death of someone you loved. Someone who has had a big impact in your life. Someone you looked up to or admired, someone who might have inspiried you. However, it is at this point that you understand their importance here on this earth. The petty differences, arguments, disagreements and such suddenly seem to dull. It is at that point you realize the small stuff doesn't matter as much as the big picture.
If you lived long enough you've been to a funeral. You heard the words showered over the restful body. Words of encouragement and comfort for the family, words of remembrance, funny stories, and fond memories about the dearly departed are shared. During a funeral you get a chance to hear about the person in a rare form. An unadultered form that seems to magnify their strong points and let their true characters shine. In a nutshell you hear all the good things people have to say about them. I have rarely heard anything, but saintly reviews at a funeral no matter who died.
So this has led me to wonder what people would say at my funeral about me. What funny stories would they share? What fond memories? How would I be remembered? What would impression would I leave? I know I am not perfect and not without sin, and I don't expect to be presented that way. But I can't help but wonder, would it be hard for someone to find something nice to say about me or something I did? Would the people listening find it hard to believe? They say you should live your life the way you want to be remembered. Most times I try to do that, but I know I can slip up. I almost sure that in the end it won't matter, but doesn't stop me from pondering such things.
While I wish that I could hear the things now, good or bad, I am inspiried to tell people what they mean to me more often. I don't want the 'sun to set' without those who I love knowing how much I did and how much they meant to me. I am more humbled and willing to see my flaws and not let them be a stumbling block for others. I could worry all day, but in the end if they have nothing to say, but "She did her best" I'm ok with that. Cause that is what I strive to do...I strive to my best better. My prayer daily is to help me be a better person. And knowing that others saw the struggle and the growth would make me proud.
This is not as random as you think, I attended my cousin's grandmother's funeral which lasted almost 4 1/2 hours (yep). While I was sitting there I began to think about some of the thoughts I shared with you earlier. But also I was drawn to the way in which the consistency of comments mimicked one another. Every one she came in contact with knew her favorite word "shabby" and knew she ended most converations with prayer. I want to be that consistent in all that I do and say, I never want anyone to wonder about where I stand on certain issues. I want to be clear and upfront, almost transparent. Ultimately I want to do my best and nothing less.
If you lived long enough you've been to a funeral. You heard the words showered over the restful body. Words of encouragement and comfort for the family, words of remembrance, funny stories, and fond memories about the dearly departed are shared. During a funeral you get a chance to hear about the person in a rare form. An unadultered form that seems to magnify their strong points and let their true characters shine. In a nutshell you hear all the good things people have to say about them. I have rarely heard anything, but saintly reviews at a funeral no matter who died.
So this has led me to wonder what people would say at my funeral about me. What funny stories would they share? What fond memories? How would I be remembered? What would impression would I leave? I know I am not perfect and not without sin, and I don't expect to be presented that way. But I can't help but wonder, would it be hard for someone to find something nice to say about me or something I did? Would the people listening find it hard to believe? They say you should live your life the way you want to be remembered. Most times I try to do that, but I know I can slip up. I almost sure that in the end it won't matter, but doesn't stop me from pondering such things.
While I wish that I could hear the things now, good or bad, I am inspiried to tell people what they mean to me more often. I don't want the 'sun to set' without those who I love knowing how much I did and how much they meant to me. I am more humbled and willing to see my flaws and not let them be a stumbling block for others. I could worry all day, but in the end if they have nothing to say, but "She did her best" I'm ok with that. Cause that is what I strive to do...I strive to my best better. My prayer daily is to help me be a better person. And knowing that others saw the struggle and the growth would make me proud.
This is not as random as you think, I attended my cousin's grandmother's funeral which lasted almost 4 1/2 hours (yep). While I was sitting there I began to think about some of the thoughts I shared with you earlier. But also I was drawn to the way in which the consistency of comments mimicked one another. Every one she came in contact with knew her favorite word "shabby" and knew she ended most converations with prayer. I want to be that consistent in all that I do and say, I never want anyone to wonder about where I stand on certain issues. I want to be clear and upfront, almost transparent. Ultimately I want to do my best and nothing less.
Friday, July 09, 2010
That's what Friends are For
So a while ago I did a post on friends, telling my friends why I love them So You Call Yourself My Friend...Well skip forward to this year, and True Friendship: Branching Out only to be caught in the middle, More than a Friend..., and Friendliness = Friends.
I gave up on some of my friends because I felt like they couldn't provide all that I needed. I felt like if I couldn't confide in them my deepest darkest secrets then they weren't my friends. Well I realized something important last weekend as my 'friends' got to work helping my with my parents 30th anniversary party. Friends come in all forms, and some are there for special reasons…to tell you the truth even when it hurts or upsets you (Candace, Krystle), to be a listening ear (Naya), to travel with (Kell), to help in a pinch (Danielle), to give you the light and airy feeling you need (Deanna, Mellena, Jacquece, Jen), to sympahtize (Lianna, Erica), to make you laugh (Stacie), to experience something fresh and new (Kenyata, Lala, Ebony), my new best friend for life (Matt) and sometimes just for notaglia (Kristyn, Melanie). ***disclaimer some of you fit into multiple categories***
I know that most of the people listed I don't talk to on a daily or even sometimes on a monthly basis. And for some our season might have passed. But you were a blessing and a lesson while passing through. I still love all you and wish you nothing but the best. I appreciate the gift of friendship we cherish(ed).
So if you want to know I came to this conclusion because of the events of the past few weeks. All long stories with even longer theories attached to them, but in short I realized friendship is less about me and more about us. The collective journey we have together. It's impossible to have any type of relationship, solo. Accepting that I am not an island and that I have built bridges with those around me, and I should use them, is the first step in most growing in a relationship. Leaning on each other no matter what the case maybe. And the most important conclusion I came to is all paths (bridges) usually lead different directions, and that's not a bad thing. You have to go different ways to experience new things. As we grow and evolve so do our relationships, and that's ok. Contentment lies upon you, and not the path you choose. ;)
I gave up on some of my friends because I felt like they couldn't provide all that I needed. I felt like if I couldn't confide in them my deepest darkest secrets then they weren't my friends. Well I realized something important last weekend as my 'friends' got to work helping my with my parents 30th anniversary party. Friends come in all forms, and some are there for special reasons…to tell you the truth even when it hurts or upsets you (Candace, Krystle), to be a listening ear (Naya), to travel with (Kell), to help in a pinch (Danielle), to give you the light and airy feeling you need (Deanna, Mellena, Jacquece, Jen), to sympahtize (Lianna, Erica), to make you laugh (Stacie), to experience something fresh and new (Kenyata, Lala, Ebony), my new best friend for life (Matt) and sometimes just for notaglia (Kristyn, Melanie). ***disclaimer some of you fit into multiple categories***
I know that most of the people listed I don't talk to on a daily or even sometimes on a monthly basis. And for some our season might have passed. But you were a blessing and a lesson while passing through. I still love all you and wish you nothing but the best. I appreciate the gift of friendship we cherish(ed).
So if you want to know I came to this conclusion because of the events of the past few weeks. All long stories with even longer theories attached to them, but in short I realized friendship is less about me and more about us. The collective journey we have together. It's impossible to have any type of relationship, solo. Accepting that I am not an island and that I have built bridges with those around me, and I should use them, is the first step in most growing in a relationship. Leaning on each other no matter what the case maybe. And the most important conclusion I came to is all paths (bridges) usually lead different directions, and that's not a bad thing. You have to go different ways to experience new things. As we grow and evolve so do our relationships, and that's ok. Contentment lies upon you, and not the path you choose. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)