Emotionally Expressing what is truly inside

I have come to the conclusion that while expressing myself emotionally is human, certain emotions make me feel weak and unable to control my situation; especially emotions like sadness. I just usually want to be alone and keep my thoughts to myself. I'm honest with myself when I admit that things are tough, but I'm not always honest with those around me. My fear to express myself completely comes from my fear of being vulnerable with people.

Emotionally Expressing what is truly inside is something that I don’t handle as easily as I'd like to. Why? I guess other than it being an innate trait (that I probably got from my momma) it's a coping and defense mechanism. I don’t want to be bound to anyone because of what I am feeling and what I express to them…I am always suspicious of people's motives. I feel like expressing myself emotionally requires me to trust in a way I'm not sure I'm completely comfortable doing.

The thing is in normal situations I am fine expressing myself or my viewpoint, but when things get more personal than I like, I clam up. I don't think I've ever admitted that I need help, but just maybe that's a good place to start.

The Happy Medium

A few days ago I came with the term 'happy medium.' It is the place where contentment lies. It is where justification about certain things are no longer necessary. It's being content with yourself and you situation...where you are ok the decisions you have made or the consequences that will later come. The happy medium is a safe middle ground between positivity and reality...it makes you accept that life is such and such is life.

The toughest thing about the happy medium is letting go of the ideas that you have developed that keep you from being happy. Sometimes accepting that life is not fine is okay...no one's life is perfect. This is a continuously process, that requires attention daily to maintain. I know I make it sound easy, but it's not. Personally, I'm living & working toward the happy medium because life is a seesaw...sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but in the middle your feet are on the ground.

Sometimes in accepting the happy medium you find what you are suspicious of might be true...accept that and move on. No need in dwelling on the past or on things that you can not change. Knowing two wrongs never make a right is a step in the right direction to create a happy medium...Knowing wrong is wrong, right is right...if you are wrong then, you're not right. Giving people or yourself the benefit of the doubt sometimes only hinders the acceptance of the problem. A

Accept what you can...and create your happy medium around that. Accepting that time waits for no one and rushing it doesn't make a difference. Time is the one thing no one ever has enough of especially when they really need it. But you can't rush it...time is what it is.

The happy medium is not always easy to accomplish especially when controversy is in the forefront. So what I've learned (however, I don't always follow this advice) is sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to do. Your opinion is not always necessary. There are just some things that just need to be kept safe inside until the right time.

I have learned that some people just need a pity party, but you don't have to participate. You can politely decline...people are selfish by nature...acceptance of that is the first step in understanding them. Understand that changing people or their views is not an easy task or one the is completely necessary to reach a happy medium. Learning to accepting these views and opinions for what they are can help create a diverse understanding of certain things and expand your understanding.

Lastly, you can help everyone, but only those who want your help with accept it. What works for you...works for you. Everyone has to choose their own path.

The happy medium in all things is what I'm striving for...simply pure contentment.

Who Am I?

An age old question…who am I? What am I? What was I? Who am I becoming? Who was I suppose to be? Where am I going? What makes me who I am? And the list of random nonsensical questions continues…if I am honest with myself I will have to admit this answers change daily. The reality that I've come except is everyday these questions are answered in my actions and my thinking…and every day they are different. I am changing every day, each new day brings a new challenge, opportunity or obstacle to face and every day I do something differently to overcome, avoid or conquer it.

Every day I am shaping and molding who I am and it’s a continually process. I know that I am not and will never be perfect and that is definitely my aspiration. My goal as noted continuously throughout this blog is contentment…I aspire for contentment in who I am…what I am…what I was...who I am becoming…who I was suppose to be…where I am going…and ultimately what makes me who I am…

Knowing this and a host of other things I am able to forge forward and embrace the reality of who I really am. I am a child of God, a daughter, sister, wife, friend, coworker, church member, neighbor…I am beautiful, sexy, confident, funny, ambitious, talented, driven, determined, crazy, sensible (at times), loveable, laughable…I am who I am and that changes on a continuous basis and I'm okay with that

Out of the abundance of the heart...the mouth speaks

I might be writing daily, these next few days...gonna be tough.

Peace (and contentment) be unto me...

I know what I'm talking about...

Just because I have endured less than the average (black) female when it comes to relationships doesn't mean I lack the hands-on experience needed to know about love, life and relationships. I am very aware of things that happen in both love and life (and I'm also willing to say there is so much more that I have to learn)...contrary to popular belief I am well-versed in them too. I don't have to experience something to give advice on it or speak on it intelligently. I am NOT naive I just choose to take a more positive look at things. Now I understand being realistic is important and I take that into consideration also, but overall my advice is very well thought out and delivered.

Let me explain this...I will be 25 in a little less than 2 months...no 25 is not old but it's old enough that I have gained some life experience and knowledge. I am married (apparently I know something about love and relationships)...to the only person I dated in college and met in high school. To most people apparently that totally screws my credentials to give any kind of life and love experience advice. Life and love are a continually process which require learning on all sides. They are an universal meanings and have all kinds of interpretations.

I think that in most cases everyone has an unique perspective to bring to the table (especailly when it comes to love, life and relationships), and I am one of those unique perspectives. Dismissing my perspective, opinion or advice is careless. I've learned lessons by watching others (yes amazingly lessons can be learned that way). Experience is not always an a good evaluation about someone's ability to learn and convey proper lessons about life, love and relationships. My biggest pet peeve is to listen or read (Essence, Ebony, Jet) a bunch of (black) women talk about love, life and relationships based on their crappy experiences only to give their pessimistic view and advice on the situations. To me those women never seem to have learn the lessons in the situations, at least they don't convey that to me, and they are only setting themselves up for failure with attitudes like that. Attitude determines altitude...don't speak about it...BE about it!

I was angry about people's conclusions about me, but at this point I say that's your personally naive opinion of me, and I guess I have no choice but to be content with that ignorant fact.

More than a Friend...

I am usually open to people and making new friends since my options are starting to dwindle. However, recent events have caused me to doubt my openness and trust of those who call themselves my friends. Maybe I should first express and explain what I want from a friend. I ask that my friends be loyal...loyalty is important for several obvious reasons. I want my friends to be honest with me and I want to feel like I can be honest with my friends. If at any point I feel unable to fully express myself to you, we are not that cool *shrug*, that's real. I've spent too much time sugar-coating information cause people are afraid of the truth...PEOPLE it only sets you free!!

I need a friend who is always a friend. I'm through dealing with convenient friendships, friends only when it is convenient for them. I need support from my friends, even when I am going through it I want to try to be there for my friends, and I want and expect the same out of them. A link is much stronger if helps support the weight of the other links in the chain. At times I know I can be ME sometimes (selfish, sarcastic, unmoving, headstrong), but I need a friend who can tell me that and not hold it against me.

I need a friend who is ambitious and determined...if we are still taking about the same dreams you had 5 years ago and you are in the same place you were 5 years ago...our friendship has little life left in it. I can not stand to dwell on the should of's, could of's, would of's of life...make it happen...don't speak about it, BE about it! Life is what you make it, it can throw some curve balls but equip yourself and move on. I need a friend who is adaptable and flexible. Life and times change, so do people...can you stand the rain? I need a friend who rejoices in my successes cause you can BET your last dollar I'm going to rejoice in yours. I need you to be the friend you would ultimately want me to be.

Ok, so now that that's out the way I can get on to the point of my blog (I know...shame). Recently I have been on a city (online) search for 'friends.' Thought I found some only to realize that not only are people not always what they seem. As Lauren say in Forgive Them Father 'beware of the false motives of other/be careful of those who pretend to be brothers/and you never suppose it's those who are closest to you/they say all the right things to gain their position/then use your kindness as their ammunition...Although you don't know who you are I forgive you and I am content in that.

Endurance

I'm so tired right now...I drove back from Nashville in the rain and lightening (for those who really know me, you know my terrible fear of storms...I clutched the steering wheel with my death grip the whole way back to Huntsville and prayed continuously). Anyway I got home and it only stormed more (the best thing besides making it back to Huntsville safely was the fact that it did not thunder until I got home). I never get rest when it storms, so I was restless most of the night. Thirty minutes before my alarm was to go off, my mom called and informed me of my grandmother's passing. It's been something that we've been knowing and trying to accept might happen for weeks. I am good now, just stuck in the here and now...knowing Thursday and Friday will be extremely hard. Not sure how I will cope, but guess we'll see over time. This is one of the closet people to me that has died, other than my uncle, she was like my 2nd mother. Even as I type this it's hard not to tear up, but I'll make it through.

I spent every major holiday at my grandparents (now I can only spend a few cause I have to alternate with my husband's family) and every summer until almost 16 with them. I even lived with my aunt, who lives minutes from my grandparents, while my mother finished dental school and took her boards. I absolutely LOVED being at my grandparents. I guess I never considered the impact my grandmother had on me until I realized I would have to say 'see you later' one day. Well that day has come and oddly it's different than what I imagined. My emotions now are subdued simply because I try not to dwell on it, hopefully making it easier to accept. I don't regret not spending more time with her cause the time we spent together was truly treasured.

I don't think out loud I ever told my grandmother I loved her, but I hope she knew. The more I think about it maybe I should have. I appreciated the care and nurturing that I was able to receive from her. I am of course indebted to her raising my mother (and aunts/uncles), who at times drives me nuts, but who I love dearly. It's weird how death makes you appreciate life and those around you so much more (trite but true). I finish this by remembering 'the race is not given to the swift, but to the one that endure.' I'm enduring and hopefully will one day be able to see my grandmother again in the life to come...until then I contently wait.

More, more, more.

I'm slowly realizing that I need more than I think...and even when I finally think I had all I can take I need more....more...more....

I need so much more, more than at times than I feel like I can ask for. I need more of it all. More of what...everything and anything that is needed...love, compassion, feeling, happiness, joy, peace, longsuffering, contentment, satisfaction, purpose and the list goes on.

Now I realize that I need more, what to do? My initial reaction is to brush it off, but then that's when I realize I really need more. Brushing it off just makes me want more. So I'm on the pursuit of finding more. Even when I feel like I've been all used up, I realize I still need more. Although at times it'll seem like I'm all filled up, I'll still need more...contentmently searching for more... :)

Control

So today I am going to write uninhabited and free...so I might be all over the place, but try to follow me the best you can.

Today has been a day of reflection...a time to evaluate. And this is just an eighth of what has been flowing through my mind...

This month and last month have been an interesting roller coaster of emotions. I've felt confused, sad, empowered, motivated, unmotivated, and a range of other emotions. The strange thing is that nothing constant not even for a minute. My mood, my desires seem to be constantly changing. I can only guess and hope that these changes are assisting in my growth as I wrote about earlier.

I must admit though these changes are scary. I'm not sure why maybe it's the uncertainty of it all or maybe it's the feeling of not being in control of anything. Whatever the case...it's downright uncomfortable. Not bring able to 'shake' this feeling has an certain uneasiness about it.

And to top all my other feelings off I've recently been full of regret. Wishing I had taken advantage of different opportunities even though I'm not sure if these opportunities would have even presented themselves. Basically what it comes down to is wanting what I can't have and not appreciating what I do have.

And frankly trying to control things only makes things harder than it should be at times. The ultimate thing is unfortunately I can't control others, but I can control what I do and how I react. The problem is usually it's not always about me. However, it is something that I must move past. So my goal is to control what is within my reach.

Always seeking contentment...

Understanding

Timeless lessons...nothing is ever really what it seems and you know nothing until you walk in that person's shoes...these are lessons learned in Life 101, but many of us disregard them. However, I am starting to believe it is these lessons that will help us on our life journey the most.

To say I'm been dealing with some issues is an understatement, and honestly I have been letting that effect my interactions with others. In a sense I've disregarded others situations to 'highlight' my own. The reality is I can still help others even while I'm 'going through it.' My issues don't or shouldn't hinder my ability to care. I need to realize that I am not the only person in the world with problems. More times than not, there are people who are having or have had the same issues I am going through and leaning on them might be the boost that I need.

I was feeling a certain way the other day and after talking to someone I realized I had slightly misjudged them. I felt like they had offended me, but like me they were dealing with some issues. I said all this to say if you don't know...don't assume, at times you might be pleasantly surprised if you take the time to inquire and even care about what the other person is going through. Though trite, it's true consider the shoe being on the other foot.

It amazing how passing issues can make you forget what it truly important...contentment relies on your ability to truly embrace the differences that others bring to the table. Looking outside of yourself might be what you need to help you embrace and deal with your issues. As I previously noted no man is an island, taking that to heart and respecting the 'other' perspective can help open up a world of understanding.

Learning Painfully through Change and Growth

I've never seen a caterpillar turn into a butterfly, but just looking at the extreme changes that emerge is quite amazing. I mean imagine one day crawling on your belly and the next day (or weeks) flying. What an extreme and amazing feat.The feeling of spouting wings to me is only a concept, but it something I can only imagine is much harder than it looks.

Like a butterfly every living thing goes through some change or growth in life. Change and growth are a necessary part of life. It's the natural progression of the human journey. I understand that and accept it wholeheartedly. But I must admit the one thing I didn't realize is how painful change and growth can truly be.

The pain that comes with change and growth helps the lessons you are learning to stick. It helps embed them in your mind to create a lasting and, hopefully, fool-proof plan of meaningful change and growth.

I've had to learn some hard lessons recently and the pain of going through them has been quite unbearable at times. But something I just realized is that with that pain comes a new understanding. I've reached new points in life that I would have never obtained without the hard lessons.

Sometimes I feel like I'm growing at the expense of my sanity. It's like I'm progressing while standing still...I know it's sounds crazy but I believe when this period of my growth comes full circle, I'll be moving leaps and bounds.

So, at this point I'm rejoicing through the pain...I'm smiling through the tears because I know it'll get better. Finding contentment is not easy, but it is most definitely possible. Change and growth can be painful, but it's the risk I'm willing to take to achieve the reward. So until next time embrace growth and change for within them lay your contentment. ;)

Friendliness = Friends

'A man that hath friend must show himself friendly...' Proverbs 18:24...my mom's favorite quote once we moved from Chicago to Atlanta and I complained about having no friends. The saying still rings clear in my head as I have gone through life and made several adjustments in my friendships.

I've gone through a couple changes and life adjustments...in 8th grade we moved from Chicago to Atlanta. This was the most devastating thing that could have happened in my 13 year old life (-_- )...Sophomore year in high school I realized being with the 'cool' kids wasn't as 'cool' as I thought it would be...so more changes...Sophomore year in college I realized that I was growing up and putting away childish things were necessary and so that is what I did...I put away childish 'friendships.' Now out of college and married, my quest for truly meaningful friendships that enhance my life is on...

Honestly I feel like I'm just making acquaintances not friends. Do I need to be friendly to make those? Does that mean I am not friendly enough? Should I be friendlier? Ok, so I'm losing focus, but at times that's how I feel...Anyway all this has led me to these 2 questions and has caused much reflection...What kind of friend I am? What kind of friend I have been?

I could write a list of accomplishments and failures that have made me the world's best and/or worst friend. But the truth is that is up to those who consider me a 'friend' to decide and for now I rest with the contentment that being friendly can only gain me friends...

I am Changing

I am changing...seeing clearer. Experiencing growth in a wierd way...watching myself evolve. Trying to make the best of what I have...trying to understand the hand I was dealt. It's a difficult process when there are no clear cut answers, but I am trying. I'm learning certain people don't fit into me destiny...and that's okay. I am accepting that perfection is not attainable, but my best is always acceptable and should be my standard.

Looking at it I can honestly say I need more help than I willing to admit. I'm willing to admit my shortcomings...and for me that's a start.

All-in-all I feel insightfully delighted by the changes that are coming. It feels like growth...and I am truly happy for it.

I'm truly finding contentment...within myself

Rejecting life lessons and blaming God

So...I hate early morning phone calls cause they only mean a few things...This early morning phone call was about my grandma. She was having some issues and went into the hospital last week and hasn't left since. My mother called this morning telling me she was in code blue (needs CPR) and basically her heart had stopped. (Deep breath) they started it again and she's stable. This on top of other problems feels like a weight on my chest. But in retrospect I should be praising God.

My grandmother raised 11 children. Eight of which were hers, 2 adopted and 1 foster child that she had since she was 5 months, who now is 28 and is taking care of her and my grandfather. She also aided in the care of 60 + foster children throughout her lifetime. This prompted the eclectic family that I now have, many of her children have adopted children or been foster parents. The 11 children she raised were mostly raised off my grandfather's salary of a teacher (and he cleaned offices at night with a MBA) and her sporadic cleaning jobs. My aunts and uncles never went hungry always had a roof over their head, and each was given the opportunity to go to college. My grandmother has lived a full life and has the story to prove it.

Reading the top part alone makes me thankful, but to some it might seem unfair that my grandmother is going through this. The reality is God has been really good to her and maybe this is a lesson for those around her.
It a lesson for us to cherish the time we have left with her and remember the good times we had with her.

I, personally, believe dealing with life situations are more about finding the lessons in them. I'm blessed to have always had food, clothing shelter, people who love me, and health (which many of us take for granted). If tomorrow all those things were gone, would I be hurt, mad, upset, scared, and angry. Yes! All human emotions...all completely natural and normal. But the fact of the matter is looking back I have nothing but praises because...
the good has outweighed the bad. Is my attitude sustainable? On good days...but it's something I'm working on.

You get pregnant at 18 because of the choice you made (not God's fault). You have cancer (result of sin, and for the scientists, genetic traits possibly, also not God's fault). You lose a loved one (once again sin, not God's fault). Though these situations can have tragic consequences or repercussions they are not God's fault nor sometimes are they yours. But the fact of the matter is in some of these situations are there to teach us lessons.

Having to raise a baby by yourself is tough, but it choice that was made and a lesson to be learned. Perhaps it's a lesson on love or responsibility. Whatever it is, it's yours to learn and accept. The quicker you accept it, the faster you can start to understand. I can't say that you'll ever fully understand, but your insight will definitely become heightened.

All-in-all my contentment rests in the fact that life and change happens and there's nothing I can do about it but, accept it. Rejecting change and learning lessons the hard way only further complicates things. So as noted in an early post I am trying to embrace life and it's lessons as they come.

If you like this blog post check out this earlier one: http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2006/06/lesson-learned-hard-wayis-lesson.html

Pray without Ceasing

Prayer changes things...I am convinced.

And until someone gives me a better solution to life's impossible challenges...I am sticking with what I know.

Continued prayers and contentment...#thatisall

Realism with Positivity Possibilities

I realized again, for the 250th time, that I can be negative or I can embrace reality with a positive attitude and receive more than I could doing the opposite. Life has enough drawbacks without me adding my pessimistic, unadaptable attitude into the mix. Of course all is not perfect and neither am I, and this new found attitude may change and falter every now and then. The most important thing is that I am truly trying to take a panoramic view of life. Why? Because all thought trite it's true life is too short for just any ole' attitude.

This month may have not been the best, but prayerfully there's always next month. And if all else fails there was that good year two years ago. The thing is I am not on my back yet and so I have not failed yet. Too many times I have failed before I tried by starting off with the wrong attitude. This year has not gotten off to the best start, but all is not lost. I will just have to work harder to make sure that I make up for lost time.

Being realistic doesn't have to remove my positivity. Reality says every day will not be my best, but I know that every day is not the same. Each day holds new possibilities. And for now I am ok with being content with the new possibilities and I am willing to embrace them wholeheartedly.

What I learned after being married 1 year, 5 months, 10 days and counting

I wasn't sure how to start this blog off, since I'd be talking about marriage. Guess I'll just say it's a gift from God to be appreciated and acknowledged for what it is. Anita Baker was onto something in her song Fairy Tale, when she says she wasn't told the truth about love and the consquences of it. Love and marriage are anything but easy, however, they can still be some of the best things ever.

The thing I will mention is marriage is not a quick fix to any problem. Loneliness...finding a sense of purpose...power advancement...I have been married for 1 year, 5 months, 10 days nothing compared to my parents 30 years in June. But I have still learned a couple things in my time being married. Marriage is not a fairy tale and it does not fix anything, and if a relationship is broke all marriage leave it broken. Marriage without careful consideration does nothing but create a catastrophe out of a disaster. Here are the basics I've learned:

- Two people living together under one roof will usually have some sort of disagreements...it's not the end of the world. Learn to work though them. Separation/Divorce is only an option if you make it one.

- Always talk to your spouse, if you can't be totally honest (vulnerable) with them. Who can you be honest with then? Build up your communication.

- Just because someone is married doesn't mean their life is perfect. Marriage is not the recipe for a perfect life. As a matter of fact I think it's just the opposite.

- Marriage is full of lessons if you are willing to learn: humility, service, sacrifice, unconditional love, patience, long-suffering, honesty, truth, healing, selflessness (that's a hard one), and the list only continues

-vMarriage can teach you a thing or two about yourself...

- Marriage does not remove the need for friends nor does it replace my friends. Just because I have a husband doesn't mean I don't need friends. This one always gets me...*sigh* I still need friends.

- Your wish should be for marriage to come when your really ready and not just when you think you're ready. If your not ready it makes the lessons above harder to learn.

- Sacrifice in marriage is not avoidable if you truly want a lasting relationship.

- Regardless what anyone tells you marriage is rarely 50/50 sometimes it's 70/30, 90/10, 110/0, 40/60. The important thing to remember is it's about give and take and most importantly sacrifice.

- In the end marriage is about happy contentment, it's ultimately about being with someone you can't stand to be without. :)

Today was a good

Today for reason I feel good and instead of question the reason why I am choosing to embrace it. Today is the first day in a long time that I have truly felt happy to be in the skin in I'm in. Today I talked to friends I haven't talked to in a while. I received a financially blessing. Today was a blessing and I am thankful.

A special thanks to all who helped me reach this point. Loving contently... :)

True Friendship: Branching Out only to be caught in the middle

***This is a rough draft of my thoughts***

So recently I have come to the conclusion that I will eventually have to make new friends and acquaintances. This is not such a bad thing, and hopefully some day soon I will truly embrace it. Right now it's just a nuisance like listening to a coworker useless banter about their weekend festivities. Making new friends to me is just one of life's little annoyances that can eventually work in your favor, and hopefully this time it will come to me without the drama.

If I could sum up how I feel now about life, love and relationships....I would pin it as seasonally refreshed. Mature enough to realize change comes and adult enough to know I must accept that change. And real enough to know things aren't always what they seem. Though lately I feel like I've been caught middle of things that are not what they seem. This is important to note because I've been trying to branch out. But being caught in the middle of fantasy and reality is a tricky place. Figuring out where to draw the line is probably the hardest thing to do.

When is too much enough? How much is too much? How much is too little? When is a little not enough? When is enough not enough? I think I have most about being caught in the middle is walking on eggshells. Pretending to be slightly unaware of my surroundings...being caught in the middle creates tension. Tension creates the opposite of comfortable leaving me very uncomfortable.

I hate being caught in the middle, not knowing the right thing to say or do. Feeling lost throughout the entire situation. Not being able to intelligently weigh in on the situation. Not carrying enough stakes in the situation to make a difference, but not able to stay out of it because of the stakes I hold.

Until next time...embracing it all in love, life and contentment...

THOUGHTS

Silence…
Alone with my thoughts
Back and forth they go,
Fighting for a bit of attention
And finally they stop
….On you
Your smile, your style
You’re just being…you.
Always thought you were
The one for me
Always thought we would be
But…
Interrupted by another thought
Remember the time you…
Or do you remember…
Caught off guard again
By the thoughts of…me and you
Together…Apart…
Wait…here comes another on
Thoughts haunt me…in the silence
They torture me, repeatedly
As I close my eyes the thoughts
Become subdued…once again
It is silent…
And here I am alone with my thoughts

Wrote this a while back...just thought I'd share.