The Year in Review

I know it's been a while since I have written. Not much has happened in that time frame, so you can breathe a sigh of relief that you haven't missed anything...lol. However, I have been doing some thinking about my year. Every year since I was about 16 I spend the last week of the year doing a mental review. I literally talk out loud to myself and go month to month reviewing life. I go from January to December, noting the ups and the downs, wrongs and the rights, blessings and more importantly the lessons learned. At times I find the growth so invigorating it propels me to do better.

This year has had some low points. I have done some things I am not proud of, but I have definitely learned some good lessons. It took most of the year for me to realize that I was trying to change my life when nothing was wrong with it. There is always room for improvement, I agree, but I was breaking stuff just to fix it. Smh at me.

I spent too much time this year constantly asking the who? what? when? how? of things. Only to come to the same conclusion...life is too short to ask so many questions. I am usually down for soul searching, but not at the cost of my sanity.

In the end let's just say I am all too happy to welcome in 2011, taking with me the lessons learned, and bid farewell to 2010.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I once prayed for patience, big mistake, because that is when my patience was put throught the refiner's fire. So I have to be careful what I ask for or what I say I need or what needs to be changed. There are a number of things in my life I am sure need some, a lot, of tweaking. I don't have the time or the patience to divulge them all. But I think the key to most of my flaws and downfalls fall within my lack of willingness to surrender completely to God's will. I believe if I use Him as an example, and follow his instruction and guidance I will be more able to change some of the things that currently bind me. I am a work in progress, but I am hoping for change daily.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I would be having a baby with my husband. It would premature to our plans, but definitely a blessing.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My new exercise plan and my healthier outlook on life…it's awesome. I am seeing some results from the new exercise plan. It might not be visable to the outside eye, but I am feeling better about it. I commend myself for what I have done so far. My healthier outlook on life comes from me seeing some things in a new light. It comes from understanding that this is my life, and only changes that will happen will come from our (God and I together) doing. I feel like I am able to do more because of this attitude.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes. I was in the 7th grade. Everything just seemed to be going wrong. I was fat, awkward looking...no one was showing interest in me..."everyone" was having sex, with older guys, (and getting pregnant) except me (I thank God I didn't fall into that trap). And plus it's middle school, so the peer pressure was setting in.

My mom found a note I wrote and showed it to my doctor. So my doctor talked to me about it…anywho I got over it. And realized such is life, and I had to deal with it or it would deal with me accordingly.

Honestly, the only thing that stopped my from really going though with it was that 'they' said you wouldn't make it into heaven if you did. So maybe a silly rumor saved my life...

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

...had it not been for those twins, grace and mercy *shouts* (LOL...I'm a preacher at heart). I am alive for no other reason than God's mercy and grace. He has a purpose for me and I have to do my best to fulfill it. Plain and simple.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

This would take a while. I'll post it a bit later.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had been more aggressive with my health and body before college. I think it would have helped in my self confidence and dating, although I did not have too much trouble in that area. I have always been "heavy set," but very active. I wish I had used that more to my advatage. I think it would have made doing it now a lot easier, but I am making moves and strides, so I am thankful.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I had not settled down in Huntsville. I kind of hate it...I just wish I had more of a social life (more friends in here on my level) and better job opporunities other than defense contracting. But that's bygones...I am here and I am dealing. At least I am not alone...(except when he's playing video games...blank stare). I'm considering it our 'bonding' time. Pray for me...kidding. :)

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Um this is totally a 'duh' question...I rush to their aid. I ask the Lord for blessings for their health, life and strength. Actually I claim it with all my might...and I assist in whatever way I can. A true friend is a friend not matter what. Conflicts are a part of life, they come and go.

And honestly, in the end (as cheesy as it may sound) human compassion rules me. Anyone in need, friend or foe, deserves my prayers

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

In large unguided quantities they can destroy people's lives.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I believe in God more than I believe in religion, but I am a Seventh-day Adventist, born and raised. I have studied for myself and decided this is the right choice for me. I am not lead by religion, but by my relationship with God. I feel like sometimes religion adds structure to that relationship. To most it seems like a hassle, but that is only if you are not willing to truly surrender, which is what God requires the most. OK that's pretty much before I start preaching...lol


I think politics are stupid, and for the most part I hate them. But I definitely don't take what my ancestors did lightly, so I most definitely practice my right to vote. And I choose the lesser of the evils...that's the most I can do.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

As I Christian I do not condone homosexuality. With that being said I still respect and love those that choose to practice because God hates the sin not the sinner. And sometimes there are extentuating circumstances that can lead down this path. So I don't want to judge everyone the same, plus I have no right to do so.

As an American I believe all tax paying citizens should have the ability to do as they please within their rights as an American citizen. Honestly, I believe that marriage should be between a man and a women, so I think it should be called something else...But I believe they should get the same rights as all of us do, gay or not.

The end.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Man…where to start…I love, love, love to read, and anytime I get a chance I try too. There are so many things that I read that make me think. I'll stick to this year though, the books that stand out in my mind. This year has been a good year of reading for me. Most of these books I've already written blogs for, so I'll just share the title and provide links to the previous blogs.

No Disrespect by Sister Souljah

The Conversation by Hill Harper

The Ideal Wife by Jaquelin Thomas

Redemption by Jaquelin Thomas

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could live without negativity, and the things that daily try to destroy me like lies, hate, deceit, anger and the list goes on. I would much rather live a positive, cloud 9 kind of life if at all possible.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I could not live without my faith in God. There are some who don't believe, who scoff at the idea and that is their right, but as for me and my house... I have been so blessed and some days all I can do is credit it all to the Lord. It was not by any doing of mine. I have witnessed miracles that can not be explained logically through science or anything else. I believe that is God just showing out, sometimes He has to do that to get our attention. I am not a fanatic, but I am a HUGE fan and a true believer that He exists. For me there is too much that goes on, on a daily basis that supports this. And in the end just like most science hypothesis it takes faith to believe in Him and His awesome power.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.

So I try not to put that much faith into someone (as noted before). Because ultimately I believe we all have our flaws and come short of the glory. I still believe that there is good in a lot of people, but I recognize not every day, week, month or year is a good one.

Honestly, I have never been one to have role models or people I'd admire (hero). There are people I think very highly of, but that is where it stops. I think it is because although people have there high points, most have their low points. And for me to admire or envy them is to take on all of that because circumstances change people. I never know what I would do under new circumstances, they could make me a completely different person.

So I guess, in the end, I'll just settle for being my own hero. :)

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

Anita!

Girl if you dont know, by now I absolutely love listening to you. Especailly when I am having a moment. I did a tribute to you not long ago, called The Best of...Anita Baker.

I love your music because it's soothes my soul...and it's largely based in reality which is really important to me...lol. And because you make music that reminds of true love, the ups and downs.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Something I never get compliments for...well how would I know. My unique way of looking at the world, although I suppose that's cause it not unique *shrug*. I don't get complimented on my advice. I think I give sound, reasonable advice. Sometimes I'm sure my bluntness turns people off, but the truth is the truth. I never get complimented on my bluntness with tact... I don't get complimented on my ability to conform...cause most the time I don't conform. I've tried that adjusting and blending in, but in the end it's just not me. I must march to the beat of my own drum.

This should have been what do you get complimented on that you don't like or that you do like. Well even though 'they' didn't ask I'll tell ya. I hate getting 'complimented' on my massive, manly, toned calves. I don't know how they got that way, but I wish the rest of my body would follow suit...lol. I'm trying to embrace them more, so thanks for the compliments and bear with me. I love compliments about how I dress or the way I carry myself. Always makes me feel like my mom and I did something right. I hate getting compliments on my 'good hair'. It's hair...and either it looks good or bad, screw the texture. I have always and will always hate the 'good and bad hair' debate.(Although I love song about it in Spike Lee's School Daze...makes me giggle....good and bad hair see if I care...). I love shoe compliments, cause I love shoes. I like being complimented on my relationship. :) I like when my husband compliments me. ;)

Oh I almost forgot compliments I love to give....I love telling people how awesome they are. I love telling people why they are special or important to me. I love complimenting other women on their features (yes guys we notice too). I mean if you're gorgeous, you're gorgeous. I love complimenting people on their talents. Honestly I just love complimenting people to see the sheer joy on their face when they receive it.

So the moral of the story is...give a compliment today...give 50.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Wow....I just receive so many...kidding...I am honored whenever I receive a compliment. It really makes me realize that people are taking notice even when I am not.

I would probably say my cooking. I hate to toot my own horn, but I am pretty good in the kitchen. I can carve watermelons, make delicious cakes, and soul food that speaks to your 'soul'. And most of it is completely vegetarian.

I am also complimented on my helpfulness. If you invite me to a function I am usually quick to ask if help is needed (my mom taught me it's the polite thing to do). And because of some innate characteristic I have, I stay until the task is complete. If you leave me in a house with a dirty kitchen it will be clean when you get back. I have reorganized and cleaned out people's kitchen cabinets, cleaned pantries, and reorganized office supply closets. I am the personal Thanksgiving cleaning crew. Every Thanksgiving regardless if I cook or just eat...I always clean.

One last one, I reject all the time, my maternal instincts. Everyone is sure I will make a good mother...I'm pretty confident about it too...lol...but not anytime soon. :)

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I think I've purged a lot this year, simply by living. I've tried my best to get rid of dead weight...and have been somewhat successful as far as I know. But as I mentioned time will tell if this is true or not.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I think I am beginning to understand reasons and seasons. A lot of time we dismiss the reasons and try to keep people for more than their season. But time has a way of making you change your view on things. I must admit while I consider myself a good judge of character, I am lousy at choosing friends. I believe it comes from my innate need to want to help. I become friends with someone after I help them. Now before all my 'friends' get all up in arms (well the real ones won't)...I'll say this all my friendships are not all like this, but it took me a while to figure that out.

Anywho...I had a friend, whom I loved dearly. She helped me through a real rough patch in life. After that I figured we'd be friends for a long while. But circumstances changed, and priorities got sifted. She made the decision, in my opinion, about our friendship in her inability to be a good friend and her self-centered actions. I made excuses for her and overlooked her lack of respect for me and our friendship one too many times. I believed I tried many times to mend our friendship with no help, she may disagree and that's ok, but in the end I did what was best for me. I guess in the end you could say it was a straw that broke the camel's back. I just realized the friendship was not benefiting me as it should, so I just walked away. I didn't feel the need to explain myself because a blind man could see what was going on. We had finished our season together, and the time had come to move on.

In the end, I wish her nothing but the best, and maybe our paths will cross again...if not it was fun while it lasted, but I've reached my spot and I'm getting off this friendship train...

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like (ya know).

Nope...never...I try not to give people that much control over my life. Love started out kicking my butt until I learned to really understand it. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm getting there. Right now I'm beautifully imperfect. ;)

Day 07 - Someone who has made my life worth living

There is only One worthy this. He puts up with me. He's always been by my side. Always forgives me, no matter what. He's never left me from the day I let Him in. He even took on the burden of my sins to save. I owe Him nothing but my life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope to never have to live without God or some form of hope. I hope to always, somehow, someway see the silver lining. I hope to never do anything, but keep growing and getting wise (as I can get). I hope to never...be reaching for anything but contentment.

Day 05 →Something You Hope to do in Life

I hope to be the BEST I can be. Basically I hope to live up to my full potential. I want mediocrity to never be an issue.

Day 04 →Something I have to Forgive Someone For

I try not to hold grudges, plus I'm bad at it because in the back of my mind I know it's the wrong thing to do. Jesus said forgive 70 times 7, and He forgives me so often for messing up. How can I not do the same for someone else? I won't say I am not hurt still by some things, but all is forgiven. I'm just, still, licking my wounds. So with that being said this will be a short blog. All is forgiven because Christ forgave me. And if there is someone that I am neglecting to remember, somehow, I forgive you and all is well. #Amen

Challenge

So I've been wanting to do a blog challenge since Mo started doing them on her blog. Just never knew where she got them from. So she finally shared the goods, and now I am doing my first one. I am 3 days behind, so I will do 3 days in one post and then a post a day from then on…If you want to see what is to come here is the website: http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

This is actually a hard one. Normally I would say my weight, but these days I have a new attitude, so I'll just refrain from that self hate. I hate sometimes how sensitive I am. I hate that I let little things that people say and what not get to me. It's hard for me to mask my feelings when this happens. I don't mind people being honest, but even still sometimes the truth hurts. Ok enough of the self hate...

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Wow this is even harder than the hate one...lol. But I love my sensibility, willingness to help, and creative side. I love when they mesh together to create something wonderful, and something magically me. In other words, welcome to my world of tricks. ;) Lastly I love that I am searching for contentment to me that speaks volumes. It says I'm ready to be satisfied with the here and now cause all I am guaranteed is the here and now.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself not seizing certain opprotunities and regretting it. Life is such and such is life. I need to embrace it more. I am learning to accept the lessons, so I cab move on to higher heights. I'm spending way too much time not embracing the lesson.

And so there you know that much more about me...

Technology @ work

I blogged that last post from my phone...yay me!

Back to real life

So for a while I was caught up in the mystical world of Twitter. It was fun while it lasted, but soon the 'funness' started to wear off. Don't get me wrong I love some of the people I meet, some of the relationships that were established on there. And occasionally I go back to visit and just shoot the breeze. However, it's not the escape it used to be. For a time I thought I needed an escape from 'real life.' I just needed a place to go and get away from it all. A place where making 'friends' was much easier. And I was able to do that will Twitter. I was able to express myself any way I wanted to for people who didn't know me from Adam. It was a very freeing experience. But somewhere my escape became too much like real life. The closer you to get people the more they are able to hurt you and exposing yourself becomes more risky. Things on twitter became complicated. People's personalities started to show...people clashed...attitudes collided. So I took my queue and bowed out.

There are several reasons why I have chosen to spend less time on twitter and doing other things, but the one that sticks out in my mind is my need to take more control over my life. I realized while I was 'escaping' life was passing me by. Yes, I was accomplishing things, but I was going through the motions and not living in the moment. I know I've said several times that people think I have things together and at times I am glad it looks that way, but it is hard work. It's a constant struggle for me to be more and do more. My need to continuously grow comes with all the growing pains. However it is what allows me to, hopefully, defy mediocrity. I refuse to settle for the here and now because it's here and now.

Here's how it goes....

Yikes! Why haven't I written in 9 days?! I've been trying to find healthy ways to occupy my time. Although I think I may now have my hand in too many cookie jars. I am in school again, when boredom gets the best of me…smh. Thankfully this semester is almost over. At the completion of the semester I will have 18 hours of master level management classes enough to teach management on a collegiate level. Next, I volunteered to tutor math. So I tutor Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. On on of my off days, Tuesday, I have class. My time in AYS, the youth service at church on Saturday afternoon, finally ended in September after 2 years . It's bittersweet, but it's on less thing that will take my time. So right now I have Thursday, Friday and Saturday to do some of what I want, but by then I am just trying to rest to catch up with everything else (i.e. homework, rest, cleaning). But I am not complaining cause earlier this year I will bored to death during the week, sort of. At this point the thing I find refuge in is the gym (hopefully going this much will pay off). That's my life in a nutshell right now…until next time...

What's in My Ear....

So I recently got Kirk Franklin's Fight of My Life from 2007 (I know I am late). But I like it…I think Kirk writes good music because of his experiences…not having his father or mother in his life, being raised by his grandmother, his addiction to pornography. I am not going to judge him because that is not my place. But he's human and falls short (no pun intended). I appreciate the message in his songs. Before I go any further let me say this…people write songs just like people wrote the bible…I appreciate message, plain and simple. Anyway, four songs really stand out for me, they invoke thought, which to me is always a good thing.

First, Chains. This song talks about the things that bind us, the things that hinder us from living to our fullest. It challenges you to free yourself. A major part of it is to die to self…and I love that concept. Understanding you can't control anything, so the best thing to do is to buckle in for the ride. …"free me from these chains"…

Next, Help Me Believe. I shared this song with my friend yesterday, just because of one line "...if I never hear I'm sorry, I can let it go…" I don't usually hold grudges. I don't have the patience, and I believe it strongly goes against what I proclaim as a Christian. But I am sensitive and I am hurt often by what people say or do. I cling to that and it causes me to draw back from them, to keep myself safe. It has a great deal to do with a lot of things, but some of it has to do with my pride. For me sorry goes a long way, but I have move on even if I don't get a sorry. It also talks about closing my eyes on this side this and getting up on the other side…which gets me so excited (GEEKED)…"help me believe in what I can't see…"

Then, He Will Supply. The title is pretty self explantory. "...Ask Isreal...Ask Joseph..."

Finally, Whole Nation. There is a reason that it takes a man (sperm) and woman (egg) to make a baby…that was no coincidence. Neither is it a coincidence that it takes two parents to raise a child. Yes, it can be done with one, but two is always optimal. This song expresses to me the need for fathers to be more present. Slight rant: One thing annoys me is how we down play the need for a father in a child's life. They are equally as important as the mother, they have different things they bring to the table, and that should be noted. I am also angered by the father's that allow a mother's hurt, anger, and even wrath to keep them from their child. You have just as much of a right as she does. If she is not comfortable with that, perhaps take some take and make her more comfortable. Don't let your excuse of what is keeping you from your child, be their mother. Sometimes it takes more to be a good parent. Do what you can to make sure you are there for you child. Same thing on the flip side…sometimes you have to put your feelings aside, ladies, to do what's best for you child. I know it's not always that simple, but we've got to start somewhere... End of rant.

Anyway just wanted to share some of what I am listening too...

Bittersweet

Disclaimer: This was just something on my mind. I do not know, nor am I in any way associated with the party mentioned below. I am simply expressing my opinion based on my limited view of the mentioned party. Thanks.

Plus it’s my blog and I’ll say whatever in the heck I want….Have a nice day!



Listening to Fantasia's 'Bittersweet' …not a bad song. It has actually grown on me, much like the American Idol herself. I didn't watch the whole season of American Idol that year, but I heard a few choice songs, and the girl had some pipes. I heard her story over and over again, watched her lifetime movie…*sigh*… At that point I was more impressed with her voice. Although, I did feel like she was treated unfairly when it came to her being an unwed mother…But, hey, that's society for you, we pick and choose and judge according to our own morals and value system which is screwed anyway, so she never had a chance. I liked that she took on the challenge.

It's Fantasia seemingly down-to-earth attitude, her faith, and personality that intrigue me. Most importantly it's her willingness to show she is human and to expose her flaws (as if she has much choice with the position she is in). Her ability to stay true to herself is something that I find perplexing at time. If I was a celebrity I can imagine how hectic life would get and how at times I would just want a break from it all. I am sure that is how a lot of celebrities feel, Fantasia included. But I appreciate celebrities who can show that side, and I get that from her.

It's not Fantasia's hard luck story that makes her rise above the rest to me. I think it's her ability to make me feel like I can relate to her (even though most times I can't)…I guess I feel like she is more human than most celebrities pretend to be. Recently, she has been in the media about her affair with a married man. Is he not to blame too? Was he not involved? I love how we always go after the woman...but that is another blog. What I will say is 'we have all sinned and come short of His glory.' Fantasia is human and that does not make her any less susceptible to faults and failures. She wants to be loved and love just like the rest of us. I can bet if you think hard enough you can think of some people you know who have been in the same or a similar situation. But of course, when you are a celebrity it is magnified.

So when Fantasia For Real started I had no desire to watch, all I could think is 'oh boy another celebrity reality show…where they show us, look we're human too'... Uh..no thanks.. Then I listened to her interview she did with Oprah. I felt the sincerity that she seemed to have, and the reverence when she spoke of her faith, and I was very surprised (It's a sincerity I've only seen with 2 other celebrities I can think of). Sure celebrities get up at award shows/banquets and gush about how thankful they are and how they owe everything to God…blah…blah…blah. But how many of them acknowledge him day-to-day activities or in all or even most of the interviews they do? How many of them acknowledge His presence or grace and mercy any other time than when the spotlight is on them in good graces.

I did start watching Fantasia's show and I see what seems to be a person who is trying to survive. I see someone trying to survive with the help of the people who are suppose to be there for you the most, her family. Yes, her family is crazy…but she loves them. And she shows them for who they are…it's the family she has come to love, why should she hid them in the background? I appreciate the fact that she doesn't shield them. {Side note: I know everyone thinks her brother, Teeny, is crazy, but we all know someone like him…I know I do.} Not only does she admit her short comings she seems to be trying to make them better. I don't know many people who would admit to a room full of people that at 25, they are on a 7th grade level as far as education is concerned, let alone a celebrity. People would be more willing to admit to a drinking or pain killer addition. In the end, I believe that Fantasia is truly blessed more than she even thinks.

Book Review - The Ideal Wife by Jacquelin Thomas

****I didn’t give too much about this book because the subject matter is very sensitive****


So yes another book by Jacquelin Thomas, if you find an author you like read more of their books. I appreciate her ability to use the bible as a tool for enlightened and not a weapon for destruction. It brings the bible in modern times and challenges my thinking.

I'm sure by now everyone has heard 'wives submit yourselves to your husband' at least once. It's truly biblical don't believe me check out in Ephesians 5:22. Well as a Christian woman who is married I agree with this. Before all the feminists beat me up check out the verses before and after to get the panoramic view. It encourages husbands to 'love their wives as Christ loves the church.' And, trust me, Christ LOVES, LOVES, LOVES the church, so much he laid down his life, so please don't get it twisted. Love and submission in my book almost go hand and hand, can't have one without the other. This is one of the foundations the book uses. It challenges submission and love and their relation to boundaries and personal convictions. The story is actually based on the story of Queen Vashti, the queen before Esther.

Before this book I never realized the significance of Queen Vashti. In the first book of Esther, King Ahasuerus dismisses Queen Vashti because of her refusal to come out to be viewed by guests at the King's party; noting this request was made when he was 'merry with wine...' O_o According to some scholars, the King requested the Queen to come out with nothing on but her crown. Even if this is not the full truth the Queen was to be kept only for the King. A Queen is a King’s most “prized" possession. Once a queen was named she was kept away from the public eye unless it was for special occasions or requested by the King. Queen Vashti knew this, and therefore refused...it seems to me her direct refusal was more for the honor of the Queen, then the embarrassment of the King. However, this had to happen in order for Esther to take her place as Queen and help save the Jews. Sometimes things happen and we don't understand why until we see the full picture. Queen Vashti while defending her honor was dismissed as Queen to allow Esther to come in and save her 'people' from the hands of Haman.

Now before I go on I must say I am no way the ideal wife, I'm striving, but I know I have quite a ways to do. However, the book challenges wives, and husbands alike, to reevaluate what makes them 'ideal.' I believe, as I always have, that being 'ideal' has a lot to do with being equally yoked. If you are with someone who shares the same beliefs/values and such with you, you are more likely to work things out and be able to discuss things openly and honest. Next, I must say it is important before and during marriage to be completely honest with your partner about EVERYTHING. Leave no stone unturned, no closet door unopened and don't be afraid as a partner to ask. Marriage is hard enough without the secrets and lies.

So back to the book, Jana, a fervent Christian and recent newlywed with the desire to be the ideal wife to Lawrence, a prominent lawyer, struggles continuously with her desire to please God and her new husband. Lawrence requests of Jana continuously cause her to question her new husband, and in return cause him to question her ability to be the ideal wife. Together they struggle with a lifestyle that cost Lawrence his first marriage and might, ultimately, cause him his second. With the help of her sister, Robyn and her friend, Graciela, and her spiritually reasoning she learns sometimes success requires failure to save those around you.

Book Review - Redemption by Jacquelin Thomas

*********Spoiler...sort of, even if you read this it is still worth the read********

First, I must say this is not the first book I've read of Jacquelin Thomas. I read Defining Moments which from what I can remember was good. It was a sequel to The Prodigal Husband which I have yet to read, but soon I will. But this is about the book Redemption.

Jacquelin Thomas is a good writer, who uses common bible stories, and puts them into modern-day settings with a twist. Too many times we think the Bible is out of date and not applicable to us in this day in age; but God and His rules/values never change no matter what the situation. The Bible is a timeless book with life-governing principles that apply throughout the ages.

This book was based on the story of Hosea and Gomer found in the Bible in the book of Hosea. The story of Hosea and Gomer is about unconditional love. Love that goes beyond the basics/surface and reaches the core…and then firmly plants itself and creates roots there. It had my questioning how I currently love. I mean do I really love unconditional like Hosea was suppose to love or like God loves us. I came to the conclusion I don't because I have a breaking point, a point at which I say no more...a point where I put my foot down. This was not the case for Hosea nor is it the case for God. If He stopped loving my based on my conditions I'd be screwed by now.

I think Redemption challenged me to be better in my marriage. It challenged me to love more, forgive more, and worry about everything else less. I said, 'I do' without stipulations and conditions; but too many times the unmentioned and undefined stipulations and conditions rear their ugly heads and cause our love to falter. The story of Hosea was meant to be an example for the children of Israel to show what they do to God and how he still loves them unconditional.

This book hits home for me because it challenges me to love unconditional without the stipulations and void of the self-defense mechanisms. Many times I believe the stipulations and conditions come while we are protecting ourselves. The marriage of Gomer and Hosea is filled with prostitution, illegitimate children, and maybe, even drugs but all this did not keep Hosea from loving his wife and accepting her back, or even raising children that were not his own. The unconditional part comes when even after all she has done, Hosea still accepts her back and doesn't hold over her head the mistakes she has made. He forgives her and starts anew each time she leaves him to return to her 'worldly' ways. It challenges me, in my marriage, to love like God loves.

As for the book, it's about a televangelist who marries and actress. Although many didn't approve of their marriage they are determined to make it work, and for a while it does. However, Marian, actress, wife, mother wishes to return to the acting business after a break while raising her sons. This proves to be more than this family bargained for. Marian allows herself to become a victim of the wrong side of the 'Hollywood lifestyle,' and completely destroys the family she and her husband, Warner, once created. Yet in the midst of it all Warner is determined to take on the challenge given to Hosea to love unconditional without the strings, even though like Job he is tested. He is impressed to love and protect his wife and help her even when she doesn't want his help.

Yes, by the end of the book I was in tears, and probably a couple times before that. To see the love this man has for his wife and the fact that it parallels the story of Hosea which is a direct reflection of the way Christ loves us leaves me speechless. Check out the book and the story of Hosea.

Another New Addition to My Blog: Book Reviews

I LOVE to read and when I get a chance to read a good book I really appreciate it, and I like to share will others. So I'm going to start doing some book reviews on books I have read or am currently reading. Since I am back in school I will most likely lose some of my drive to read as much, but I am going to try and do better. The older I get the more I want to renew this since of passion I used to have for reading. I am completely taken away when I read. It's like taking a vacation. This love of reading had lead me to write some short stories, which I rarely share with the public, but might consider.

Book Review - The Conversation by Hill Harper

I am not a big fan of self-help books or actors turned motivational speakers, but I have to say I am more impressed than I thought I would be. I'm impressed to know that Hill Harper is not just an actor, but he is an intelligent, educated man. I feel that judging a book by it's author is important sometimes. While the book itself is not about the author he does share some real-life experiences that make the book more personal, and it helps to know that he seems to know what he is talking about.

I like this book so far because it is a book filled with common sense that we chose to ignore at times. It brings to light the ignorant fears we have and makes us address them. I think that the book for me has done what it was intended to do and that start the conversation (which I've had plenty of since I started this book). I love the interaction that he includes in the book, it helps create a dynamic that gives a somewhat panoramic view of prevalent situations we sometimes face.

I wish he would have described more about the people who were talking, so I could feel like I knew them better. So I could judge whether or not they were justified in their beliefs. And I'd hoped for more dialog between men and women and not just separated conversations. I think it would have helped in continuing the conversation had he created a forum for that type of interaction. Also I wish it could be more diverse...sometimes the responses seem staged and too cliche.

To Whom it May Concern...(Follow-Up Blog)

So this is just a brief follow-up to my blog yesterday. I felt compelled to write for my potential future daughter, because I want her to be better than me.

If you don't have your father's metabolism and end up on the other side of the spectrum I want you to know a couple things. First and foremost, while the world judges you for looks and size, God does not, neither will your father or I. We will love you for the person you become because you belong to us, and will be a part of us. It's never easy to explain the hurt and pain that comes with this issue, but understand that you can rise above this. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter what anyone tells you. It took me a while to figure that out. And while I did talk about your relatives and their constant drive to lose weight, they too will accept you (but you will get tired of the weight loss talk…lol). I promise to do the best I can to create an environment where you are able to flourish and reach your full potential no matter what obstacles may befall you. Feeling comfortable in your skin is important and something only you can do for yourself. But know I will your biggest cheerleader, standing behind you through it all.

Now the tough stuff:

I think childhood obesity is the problem of the parent, and I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens to you. I am totally devoted to making sure, in all things, you are taken care of. I will not take lightly the responsibility placed upon me. While I will take responsibility for your health as a child, it is up to you to continue that trend well on into your adulthood; once again lending my support in any way I can.

One day you will start to like boys (and they will start to like you), and you will stress about your looks continually. I used to think my weight hindered my dating, but it was my standards (I will make sure you have the same standards…I don't take kindly to females with no standards…blame your grandparents ;-) ). You weight/looks might be a problem for some. But there will be some, like your dad, that will see that past that, and love you for who you are. Those are the ones that are worth your time.

There will also be certain characteristics, like being blessed in your chest (if not you got those genes from your dad's side…haha) that you might not be able to get away from (check our your great aunts). I can't do anything about that *shrug*.

If you are reading this then I am sure you have read my previous blog (which means you've probably read even more, it's cool you probably already knew I was crazy…lol…once again grandparents fault). I came to a lot of realizations later in life after my thought process had be formed, and thus I had to deal with now reprogramming my thought process to be more in line with what 'actually is'. My blog yesterday was my acknowledgment of what 'actually is' and a small step to acceptance. It's not gonna be easy to do this nor has it been, but it's definitely not impossible. Never doubt who or what you are because of the whack standards others put on you. Be content with who you are and in the skin you’re in.

I love you because you are a part of me.

My love and hate Realtionship with my weight and all that other jazz

The (My) Situation
My last year in college I started a 'lifestyle change.' I started working out twice a day, I rid my diet of anything made with white flour, reduced my portion size, stop eating cheese and fried foods, I counted calories…I was on a roll. I lost a decent amount of weight, I didn't go from fat to thin in a matter of months, but I did ok for the regime I put myself on. Soon after I graduated and life began to change, and I wasn't able to do all the stuff I was doing like the workouts, but I managed to get at least one workout in a day and still watch what I was eating…of course this created little to no change. Thus my frustration sets in and caused a setback, and thus the cycle I continuously get in. My love and hate relationship with my weight and all that other jazz.

From as far back as I can remember I have been 'trying' to loose weight. I had to be between 8 and 10 when I first went to weight watchers. I wasn't as big as some of the kids you see on TV just a little chubby; since my mom was going I went with her. Not sure how long that lasted, but at 13 I joined a gym; I knew how to work all the machines. Despite how I look I have been exercising all my life…maybe not hard enough. :/ Anywho at 17 I got a personal trainer, who kicked my butt thoroughly…the first day I thought I was going to die! In college I made a conscience effort to eat better and exercise more which resulted in losing 20 pounds. This prompted me to get a gym membership during summer vacation. The year after I left college, the first time ever I tried a dietary supplement. The caffeine was too much for my body, and had terrible adverse effects. This year I tried to balance myself with exercising and eating, and not go too overboard. I had some success losing 10 pounds. However, I had to have surgery on my toe, so I was out of commission for a while, and I lost my flare to do much of anything for a while, so once again I had a slight setback. The seesaw that comes with me working out and eating right tortures the very nature of my core, but it's what I do.

The (My) Environment
I grew up vegetarian, I started eating chicken (in public) when I got to college (stopped by my junior year and decided to only eat certain types of fish)…lol. I grew in a house where eating after 6 PM was frowned upon, so in college I had no late night binges except for occasionally 2 bean burritos at Taco Bell on Saturday night (cut a girl some slack). We did not have a ton of junk food in our house, I rarely; if ever buy chips, cookies, juice, for my house. I try to eat no later than 7:30, which I think is terribly late. I love fresh veggies and fruit. I also love mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, bread, pizza, French fries, bean burritos, cinnabons, pretzels, well you get the point. I, like most, have some good and bad habits and it's a daily struggle to keep them all in check.

Ever heard the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, well the apple holds even more characteristics of the tree than you think. The apple is the way it is because of the tree. So before I start off this section I will state this disclaimer…I love my mother to death and I am very much like her in a lot of ways, but I hope this tradition dies soon. (She also recently explained why she does this and it's because of my grandmother…vicious cycle) One of my friends once said 'your mom is always on a diet.' My mom lives on a diet, I don't ever think I've seen her not on a diet or about to get on one…smh…If you have ever met my mom, she is usually talking about some diet she is/was/going on. And true to form most of her sisters, and my cousins, are always on a diet or about to 'lose' weight. I have never been to a family gathering where the subject of weight and weight lost does not rear its ugly head. They are constantly exchanging diet and weight lost tips, showing how much they lost, and so on and so forth. However, most people in my family are not thin or even close to it. O_O …plain and simple, we as a family, struggle with weight.

Next, I'm married now (if you didn't already know hence the anniversary blog *shrug*), and I married into a family that is the totally opposite of mine. None of them seem to struggle or dwell on weight as much as my family does. Most of them are vegan which could be part, but most of them are naturally skinny. Lucky Duckies... *Gulp* I know I stick out like a sore thumb in this family…I know for a fact by the way I was treated during my wedding planning and such. *Sigh* I still struggling with that, but I am slowly trying to get over it (gonna take some time). As a matter of fact it is because of that I still feel uncomfortable around them (there I said it).

My friends are all shapes and sizes, but most are have some curves (even the skinny ones…lol). I have always felt the most comfortable around my friends, and discussing weight with some of them. However I know for a fact, a lot of them are struggling with the same issue, and in the same way I am. For some of them it has torn down their self-esteem and made it hard for them to love themselves. When I think of the hurt their weight causes, I am hurt and upset. I am angry it even had to come to this. I have seen a lot of them struggle silently and out loud with this issue. While I don't think it's fair it like most things is a learning process and has to do dealt with as so.

The (My) Hate
I hate people who can eat whatever they want, whenever they want and it'll very rarely catch up with them. (I married someone like that. I pray my children have his metabolism or are excellent runners.) I hate watching what I eat…sigh…I hate having to exercise to maintain my 'fatness'…I hate the fact I may never be skinny (whatever that is)…I hate the guilty feeling I get when I don't exercise especially after I eat a big meal…the guilty feeling I get for eating a big meal. I hate that I have always been surrounded by people (my family) who define themselves in how big or small they are. I hate that my weight makes others uncomfortable. I hate that for years I thought it was my weight keeping guys away (it was really my wit, attitude and intimidation techniques…haha). I hate that I will probably struggle with weight forever. I hate that I will forever be doomed to pay extreme attention exercise and what I eat. I hate that my beauty will never be good enough to some because of my size. I hate that I hate…

The (My) Anger and Resentment
People say it's about 'getting healthy', but not when we are focusing on our sizes. 'I don't want to be a size 14.' 'I can't believe I have to buy a 16 in this dress.' 'All I want to do it be a healthy size 8.' Since when was a 6, 8 or even 2, healthy? We are constantly defining ourselves by standards that have nothing to do with health. There are more things more important than dress size like…blood pressure? Are you at risk for hypertension or diabetes? I understand the pressure of making the cut, but at what expense? My sanity…I hope not I can not lose any more of that…lol. My anger comes from not telling people to "SHUT UP" giving me health tips, teas, soups, and any diet that helps me lose the weight. I don't need your tips, keep them to yourself. My anger and resentment is toward me for being so gullible and so naïve. For allowing others (people I know and love to the general media) define me and what I think is beautiful. My anger comes from the fact that for years I have lost weight for others. My resentment comes from the fact that most time when talking or thinking about weight it is because I am thinking about others perception of me and not my own. Yes, I am tired of the being the fat, heavy-set, big, obese, large, stout girl, lady, woman to myself, and seemingly, those around me, but perhaps this is who I will always be unless I change MY attitude. My anger and resentment falls on me for not thinking better of myself. Ultimately I am to blame for my anger and resentment because ultimately it was caused by me. Yet I still must ask when does the cycle end, when does one reach contentment? When I'm a size 6? 130 pounds? Possibly but I’ve never been close to either one of those, so really who knows?! Contentment can only be reach when I become more than just my weight, when it truly just the number on the scale and not the reason to fall short.

The (My) Solution (or something like it)
I'll probably struggle with this all my life, but my goal is to not to let it control me. Truth be told I more awesome than I think sometimes, size should not be a defining factor, and I have to always remember that. If healthy is the ultimate goal, I will do what I need to do to be healthy, and forsake all else. I want to lose weight and get healthy for myself and this is why I have to first defy the things that hold me back. I have to do things on my own and at my own pace. I can not look to others and their ides of me or their accomplishments. Too many times I compare my success to those around me. I am determined to control my destiny in this just like I do with anything else in my life. My first goal has been making this realization and achieve acceptance for myself, and hopefully, contentment will follow.

Happy Anniversary (Finally)

I decided this year that cards will never do any justice to show how I really feel. They are great in a pinch, but nothing says it like the words from my heart. And to have yearly reminder that will live forever which I think is fabulous. It's like shouting my love from the mountain top and the echo continues forever.

So here it goes...

All the marriage advice I ever want to give is in What I learned after being married 1 year, 5 months, 10 days and counting...I am no therapist nor do I claim to be. Nor do I think I have a picture perfect marriage or am I the poster child for one. I do believe that I have found a good fit for me and what works for me.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment I feel in love, or explain what it feels like or tell you what you might be missing. Love is best described to me as 'to each his own'...What I can say is you can't always help who you fall in love with (although some people really try…), but you can definitely choose who you marry... four years later I'm still happy with the person I fell in love with and two years later I still happy with th person who I married... More importantly I am happy they were both one in the same. I won't romanticize or idolize my marriage...we have disagreements, flaws and faults. I know I will never be perfect and neither will he...and I am ok with that...for now ...kidding …but seriously that is what makes MY (I stress my because well this is my blog and it’s about me…lol) marriage work. Knowing the good, bad and ugly and still loving.

The biggest thing I realized once I got married is the amount of surrender that happens, most people (even I) resist, but eventually submit to for it is truly where the secret in marriage lies in my opinion. You never want to feel dependent on one person, mainly because we (society) have made it such a big deal to be in control and in charge. But the more I live, learn and love I realize that surrender (dependence) can be sweet…sweet surrender…a warm place where comfort abounds and love is free to grow and prosper. That sweet surrender is the safe feeling you have with your partner, it doesn't make your marriage perfect, but it helps you to know where you belong, and who has your back.

So to my best friend and life partner…I love you. I made a vow 2 years ago through sickness and health, better or worst, richer or poorer that I would love you. And I am trying daily to keep up my end of the bargain. I thank you for accepting me as I am even when it's dificult to do so…here's to another year of fun and friendship together.

Love,

Yours Truly xoxo

Family Secrets

I'm sitting here wanting to blog, and I was going to write my anniversary blog tonight. However I was interrupted by a phone call from my aunt (the 3rd time tonight...5th time in a week), and I answered. Needless to say I will not be writing my anniversary blog tonight. But since I am at the computer and my aunt is giving me amo I will blog.

Most of my conversations with my aunt are incoherent and consist mainly of me listening and her talking (a lot of my conversations with a lot of my aunts are like that...lol). However, this aunt is much, much different than the others. I am beginning to think that something is wrong. Why do I think that? Welp the signs of distress are clearly there. I wish I could help, but still waters run deep. Still waters...the place where secrets are buried. Waters that I am just learning about and secrets that lie far beyond the surface. Every family has secrets kept hidden away. Secrets that bind them. Secrets that tear them apart. Secrets that do more harm than good. Secrets that destroy families.

If I had to guess I would imagine that God gave us families to give us a place that's familiar, a place where we feel love. He gave us people who we can count on, supposedly, through thick and thin. When did family become a place of disappointment, failure, and insecurity? When will that open honest atmosphere reappear? A place where we feel welcomed, a place where we can express ourselves? A place where love abounds? When does the healing start? When do we start to help? When do we finally take notice that the secrets that we have are what keep us apart?

I think this all happens when we start taking notice of the problems and address them. When we no longer turn a blind eye to what is going on. When we step up to the plate and realize you didn't choose your family nor did they choose you but this is what you have to work with. Life if complicated enough without the secrets...choose contentment and family over the secrets.

The Best of ...Anita Baker

Today is an Anita Baker day, the opposite of a #yellow day. It's a day of reflection. Well it's actually a month of reflection. I'll share some through my journey.

But for today I want to write about Anita Baker, one of my favorite artist. If you know me then you know I LOVE Anita Baker, second only to Boyz II Men. I love her voice, her classic style and her songs. Each song speaks in volumes. From Lead Me into Love where she begs to be guided into a place of magic where lovers reside. To Ain't No Need To Worry, her powerful gospel ballad with the Winans that assures that there is no need to worry what tomorrows gonna bring, it'll be all over in the morning. And nothing says it like I Apologize. What relationship is not without conflict? In this song she explains the trials of those conflicts and the necessaity of an apology sometimes. You're My Everything says it all...plain and simple. And what's love without the Mystery?

One of my absolute favorites is Fairy Tales that speaks of the truths that most of us miss because of the fantasies that remember from fairy tales. Like We Used To Do with Babyface makes me want to sway, all though it reminisces of where love sometimes goes wrong. Nothing is classic as Angel....and You're the Best Thing Yet. And who can forget Just Because about accepting destiny and running with it, being loved just because you are you. And who can forget Body and Soul she pleads to be loved body and soul, that along with Same Ole Love "from beginning to end, 365 days of the year..." This one makes me want to close my eyes and rock "'I've always told you I'd give anything...Whatever it takes to make you happy, whatever it takes to make you smile, whatever it takes to make you feel good." Anita's You Bring Me Joy captures the feeling of new and true love. And what more could anyone ask for but that you give them the best that you've got, and Giving the You the Best That I Got says just that ('I bet everything on my wedding ring'). No One in the World can love like that special one and Anita does her best to let them know.

Words left unspoken can cause for far too many questions, which is why It's Been You leaves us knowing it all. Anita shows her strong side in No More Tears, sometimes your eyes dry out, and all you can do is move on. Love free of shame and boast-worthy, that's Sweet Love. It's not always easy, but sometimes you got to let it out. Anita encourages shelter from the storm of life and relaxing your pride long enough to get it off your chest in Talk to Me. Ever had love that keeps a smile on your face? Yep, nothing like it...that Good Love! And if that works soon you'll be Caught Up in the Rapture with nothing but sweet memories in the end, How Does It Feel?

In the end, I really appreciate the music Anita Baker creates. She possess a true unique gift in her voice. I can listen to her and truly reflect. Her music speaks of real life...love and lost, the good and the bad, the truths and the misconceptions. In a time and era when it's hard to find music I like. I rest in fact that at one time it did exist. Here's to you Anita! Happy listening!

I'm here, haven't had much to say...I know a rarity, but I am enjoying the thoughts in my head in the meantime...so later!

Life is Not a Movie...

So, I've been compared to Joan (Tracee Ellis-Ross) off of Girlfriends, Khadjiah (Queen Latifah) of Living Single, I don't mind cause they are the 'alpha-females' in their groups. They are the strong, successful, and wise ones that others depend on. I love Joan, she's quirky and she loves holidays (as do I), and Khadijah, so cool and determined. These women I can identify with. Don't get me wrong they had their issues. One being that they are dedicated and loyal to their friends, at times so much their issues go unnoticed by those around them. I can relate to that, but never viewed it as an issue until now, sort of...

Today, I was compared with Patricia 'Patty' (Janet Jackson) from Why Did I Get Married Too? This is the first time I had been compared from the negative side, so needless to say I was less than accepting of this comparison, but it was funny, and I did appreciate the depth of Janet's character. Perfect Patty was the rock of her friendship with her other three friends. She gave solid advice, was successful and most importantly she was there for her friends when they needed her. As most of you know, if you have seen it, she loses it in the end...completely blows her top...breaking stuff, smoking, drinking..she's off...really off and unstable (lol!). Now would be the time to ask, "are you on the verge of losing it?" Lol, I don't think so. However, I can totally understand why those around me would think that I resemble her. Although the one big question I must ask is, "were her friends really there for her?" Do you think she felt comfortable laying her issues on them after what she knew about them? Did she feel comfortable to share with them? Sometimes one person's friendship is more beneficial to the other. Seems to me in the movie her friends were more consumed with what was going on with them, most of the time, that they rarely tried to see if she needed help until it was too late. We all got issues and problems if you look closely, you usually can see them. There are people who keep their issues/problems under wraps, but slowly they start to burst at the seams. Things kept in the dark are never kept there for long.

I did some blogs earlier about how/why I don't share as much and about friendships but here is a brief recap: I talk to very few people because I feel very few people would understand or care to understand my problems/issues. I talk to my husband because as of August 10, 2008 he became my best friend, and I feel the need to rely on him a lot as my life partner. I blog more than talk because sometimes just getting stuff out in black and white makes things much clearer to me, it organizes the chaos in my head. I talk to myself because sometimes things should be kept close. I talk to God cause he's always got my back and I never have to worry about him judging me. The fact of the matter is the older you get the less you share because the more you feel you know or recognize you can handle things on your own. I don't want to become of one of those old cynical people, pessimistic about love, life and relationships, but I have to be careful with whom I share. I have to know the person has my best interest in mind, that they care, that they will not share the information I give and that they have a vested interest in me. I just want to feel 'safe' when I share and I rarely feel that, so I rarely share. But most of us have come to a point in life where we don't share as much, we don't need each other as much, and I think that's ok at least for now.

All this realization had made me that see that there is always room for improvement. I am not perfect and I actually appreciate the "callout." I Hope I never lose it like that, but if I do at least someone 'told me so.' :)

On the Real...and *sigh*

This weekend was girls weekend complete with sushi (I loved it!), massages, and painting, it was such a breath of fresh air. I had so much fun. We also went wedding dress shopping…I think she found 'the one' but only time will tell. I am very blessed to have 2 friends in my life that I can travel with, and who understand me (cause they are so much like me…lol!!). This weekend I realized the bond I have with them can not be recreated in my relationships with others because ours is an unique one. They really encourage me to be better and try new things…it was like a prudish control-freaks united convention. (LOL)

I presented them with a situation this weekend, and they both gave me the same direct answer. Of course I was testing to see how they would answer, but when they did it made me realize that creeping compromise is dangerous. Honestly I knew the answer, and they were right, and it sent my head swirling. Also it made me step back and think if sometimes being too nice is a problem. To be completely honestly I've rarely had that problem except with my friendships. However recently I have been slipping and it's time to get back on track. I can not allow the things in this world to have me falter.

These are some of the things floating around in my mind and heavy on my heart after my question. They are in no way complete or in any order. They are different things that have made me think this weekend. Part of me wants to go into details, but I don't have the time or patience, so for now I just *sigh* about them.

I feel like not much can be accomplished unless you put your foot down. I am not one to talk, but I think that too many times we are not direct about how we feel and it leads us into temptation and gets us in trouble. If we don't show people what we stand for we will fall for anything. I had an incident that happened in April that made me understand the more you allow people to come in and say anything to you the more accepting you become of it. Causally dismissing it is not enough. You have to shutdown the advances of those who seek to 'harm' you intentional or unintentional. Your first line of defense is your willingness to be forthright and honest with yourself and others. My aunt mentioned a phrase and it has stuck with me, I'll blog about it again later…but it's creeping compromise. So many times for short lived pleasure we abandon our morals and values, and what you know is right. The thing is most times we know when we are guilty of it, and yet we choose to continuously ignore it and put ourselves at a disadvantage. We allow others to take advantage of us... *sigh*

Next, I am having an issue with taking people's word for it. So recently as I have blogged about I am apart of the social networking phenomenon in the form of twitter, and very rarely facebook…I also gatlk, IM and BBM. So, when communicating on twitter, gtalk, IM, BBM all you can go off it what people tell you. You can gather bits and pieces based off of others perception of them or even what they say in general, but still it's completely up to them the picture they convey. So with that being said I have to be careful of what I believe which is hard for me because I like to take people's word for it. I want to trust and believe people. Usually you are innocent with me until proven guilty. I truly believe 'word is bond' in the truest form. I struggle with this because sometimes I can't read people over the Internet like I can in real life and that disturbs me. I can't see fully if you are telling me the truth or pulling the wool over my eyes. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis because at the end of the day all I have is your word. *sigh*

Finally, I realize the female perspective on certain issues differs vastly from the male perspective. Yes, I know you already knew that, but I am opening it up like that anyway. :) Recently I've been bothered by the male/female interaction that I have encountered by my peers. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to police other actions or perhaps I am. I bothered partly because I don't believe we are not being honest enough with other which is a completely different story, but true. My main problem at this moment is that I know for a fact some women's insecurities stem directly from the way they are treated by their significant others. Most times these small acts or comments from a significant other can take a big toll. They are mostly not meant with malice or hurtful intentions, and are sometimes not noticed or talked about, but can be magnified during altercations and such. To help you understand more I'll give you a scenario...your significant other has a friend that he occasionally flirts with. Harmless, right? Probably so, but it bothers you, and sometimes it makes you insecure about yourself. So here's the thing, I think it is completely unnecessary, childish and immature to act like a fool in this situation. Better you sit down and discuss it with your significant other, and not the other party involved as your business should not be with them. However, many people do not realize what a small situation like this can do to the female perspective (pysche). This small incident can make her feel insecure, less sure of herself. Bigger incidents like this can lead a strong, secure, independent woman to became an insecure, bitter, and defensive little girl. I understand that sometimes like I said this is not done with malice intent, but it is and can be damage done. The small comments about other women's features, the pleasure you find in other women's company, the sly comments you make to or about other women in her presence. Though small and, at times, insignificant are making more of big deal than you think. I am not saying that a woman has no stake in it, it is her responsibility to make sure she is being upfront and direct with you so on and so forth. But I have seen the demise of many women because of the inability of her significant other to recognize the damage he's done knowingly and even unknowingly. *sigh*

The Unadulterated Truth

Every time I pass a funeral home or cementary and I see an ongoing service my heart hurts. I imagine the hurt and sorrow that must be going on. What that person meant to those in attendance. How much they are loved and how much they will be missed. My heart goes out to the family and friends, sometimes I even say a prayer for their peace. I don't think much can sting as much as the death of someone you loved. Someone who has had a big impact in your life. Someone you looked up to or admired, someone who might have inspiried you. However, it is at this point that you understand their importance here on this earth. The petty differences, arguments, disagreements and such suddenly seem to dull. It is at that point you realize the small stuff doesn't matter as much as the big picture.

If you lived long enough you've been to a funeral. You heard the words showered over the restful body. Words of encouragement and comfort for the family, words of remembrance, funny stories, and fond memories about the dearly departed are shared. During a funeral you get a chance to hear about the person in a rare form. An unadultered form that seems to magnify their strong points and let their true characters shine. In a nutshell you hear all the good things people have to say about them. I have rarely heard anything, but saintly reviews at a funeral no matter who died.

So this has led me to wonder what people would say at my funeral about me. What funny stories would they share? What fond memories? How would I be remembered? What would impression would I leave? I know I am not perfect and not without sin, and I don't expect to be presented that way. But I can't help but wonder, would it be hard for someone to find something nice to say about me or something I did? Would the people listening find it hard to believe? They say you should live your life the way you want to be remembered. Most times I try to do that, but I know I can slip up. I almost sure that in the end it won't matter, but doesn't stop me from pondering such things.

While I wish that I could hear the things now, good or bad, I am inspiried to tell people what they mean to me more often. I don't want the 'sun to set' without those who I love knowing how much I did and how much they meant to me. I am more humbled and willing to see my flaws and not let them be a stumbling block for others. I could worry all day, but in the end if they have nothing to say, but "She did her best" I'm ok with that. Cause that is what I strive to do...I strive to my best better. My prayer daily is to help me be a better person. And knowing that others saw the struggle and the growth would make me proud.

This is not as random as you think, I attended my cousin's grandmother's funeral which lasted almost 4 1/2 hours (yep). While I was sitting there I began to think about some of the thoughts I shared with you earlier. But also I was drawn to the way in which the consistency of comments mimicked one another. Every one she came in contact with knew her favorite word "shabby" and knew she ended most converations with prayer. I want to be that consistent in all that I do and say, I never want anyone to wonder about where I stand on certain issues. I want to be clear and upfront, almost transparent. Ultimately I want to do my best and nothing less.

That's what Friends are For

So a while ago I did a post on friends, telling my friends why I love them So You Call Yourself My Friend...Well skip forward to this year, and True Friendship: Branching Out only to be caught in the middle, More than a Friend..., and Friendliness = Friends.

I gave up on some of my friends because I felt like they couldn't provide all that I needed. I felt like if I couldn't confide in them my deepest darkest secrets then they weren't my friends. Well I realized something important last weekend as my 'friends' got to work helping my with my parents 30th anniversary party. Friends come in all forms, and some are there for special reasons…to tell you the truth even when it hurts or upsets you (Candace, Krystle), to be a listening ear (Naya), to travel with (Kell), to help in a pinch (Danielle), to give you the light and airy feeling you need (Deanna, Mellena, Jacquece, Jen), to sympahtize (Lianna, Erica), to make you laugh (Stacie), to experience something fresh and new (Kenyata, Lala, Ebony), my new best friend for life (Matt) and sometimes just for notaglia (Kristyn, Melanie). ***disclaimer some of you fit into multiple categories***

I know that most of the people listed I don't talk to on a daily or even sometimes on a monthly basis. And for some our season might have passed. But you were a blessing and a lesson while passing through. I still love all you and wish you nothing but the best. I appreciate the gift of friendship we cherish(ed).

So if you want to know I came to this conclusion because of the events of the past few weeks. All long stories with even longer theories attached to them, but in short I realized friendship is less about me and more about us. The collective journey we have together. It's impossible to have any type of relationship, solo. Accepting that I am not an island and that I have built bridges with those around me, and I should use them, is the first step in most growing in a relationship. Leaning on each other no matter what the case maybe. And the most important conclusion I came to is all paths (bridges) usually lead different directions, and that's not a bad thing. You have to go different ways to experience new things. As we grow and evolve so do our relationships, and that's ok. Contentment lies upon you, and not the path you choose. ;)

The Philosophical Difference Between Pens and Pencils

I couldn't wait to write with pens when I was younger. I distinctly remember in 4th grade when pens was finally on the school shopping list. No idea why it was so important, but that was the year cursive started also so maybe that added to my excitement. Skip forward to today I love writing with pencils, No #2, lead. I hate mechanical pencils...I should not have to load the lead myself! I started to think what my fascination for pencils is, since not to long ago I only wanted to write with pens. There is one thing that makes pens and pencils unique it is the one fact is more permanent than the other. As you get older you began to realize, how much value is placed in the permanent. You are wiser after your mistakes, but sometimes if you could you wish you could take certain things back...sort of erase them, not everything, but some things. When I use pencils I erase what I don't need and it is no longer an issue. I start over with basically a clean slate. With pens I scribble out (or draw a line through), yes they have erasable pens, but those suck the images never seem to be completely gone after I finish erasing; however with pens whatever I write is still there. The scribble shows the error, but also the moment of correction, which at times is important. It is important to note that you made a mistake and that you are trying to move past it. So the pen versus the pencil makes me realize how things that seemed important once upon a time are really not...how sometimes I wish life was more erasable like a pencil, but I realize the depth of the pen's permanency. While life with pencils seems carefree and wonderful, I have to think of the benefits of the pen. Most legal documents can only be done with black or blue ink, permanent, but extremely important. I think now about how I wish I could go back to the day when writing with pencils, or pens, was my biggest issues. When life little mistakes were simple to erase. How decisions I make today are more permanent like the pen I longed to use. While this makes for an interesting contrast I find it so amazing that the little things make such a big difference.

My Twitterview Questions - SoCuteSoCoy

So to be fair I answered the twitterview questions myself---

Introduce yourself (be creative...what do you want people to know): I am whatever I say I am…plain and simple

What is your favorite thing about yourself? I have a love, hate relationship with my ability to care.

Favorite song to dance to? Let’s see I like Boyz II Men’s Techno (but I hate techno in general, but it’s Boyz II Men, so I can make an exception) song…Bounce, Shake, Move, Swing, I also recently learned the dance to Get Me Bodied by Beyonce. But I’ll dance to anything generally.

Favorite song to cry to? Encourage Yourself – I listen to it when I need some encouragement…It reminds God is a present help. I find I rely less and less on people, which requires me to lean and rely on God. I keep everything in until I’m ready to pop...and this song is a release.

When are you the silliest? Um…always…I can always find something to laugh at…even if it is myself, but late at night, and usually around my close friends

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried or almost peed on yourself? An episode of Meet the Browns…I know Brown stands for everything I stand against, but I know people like him, and that show is hilarious.

What do you believe in the most? God’s grace and mercy, and his continuous love of sinners…that fact that you can never stray too far.

What makes you GREAT? Being willing to admit I have flaws and I am human….knowing I have not made it, and I’m far from making it…makes me GREAT…

What is your greatest accomplishment to date? Finishing my MBA while moving out my apartment, planning a wedding, maintaining a relationship, working full-time…. although I down play it…It was amazing and I only made by God’s grace and mercy.

What is one thing that makes you...YOU? My ability to be proactive…my need to help…my need to avoid mediocrity at all costs…by ability to try daily to become a better person…my need to repent daily….

What is your passion? What are you passionate about? I’ve only been trying to figure this out for a while now. I like to cook. I LOVE to write. I have several short stories, poems, and even started a play. I wrote my school song…and part of the senior class song. I also want to make a difference, it really breaks my heart to see people hurting, and not be able to do anything about it.

What is your biggest pet peeve? CLUTTER!!!! If you don’t need it, get rid of it. Smacking food or gum and popping gum (my mom hates that too), talking down to me, people refusing to be anything, but great because of their circumstances, Mediocrity…yes I have quite a few, I know…I'm in a support group

When is the last time you lost your cool? It takes a lot for me, but I would say the other day when someone had a misunderstanding with me and did everything in their power to avoid confronting the issue and me…I hate confrontation, but I like the facts to be straight. And in this case I didn’t feel like they were…and we’re suppose to be cool (that is what frustrated me the most). Stuff like doesn’t sit well with me especially when I try to reach out and clear up the misunderstanding…but bygones.


Describe your dream man. The most important thing is someone who gets me, someone who understands the complex simplicity I am. His goals parallel mine. He is financial stable, and is financially responsible. He is mature. He is able to correct me in love. He is intelligent and he is not threatened by my success (cause I succeed…even when I fail…ok I know too much…lol). He respects me, and what I stand for. He understands that neither he nor I are perfect. He is a provider. He is attentive. We share the same beliefs and values…I refuse to be unequally yoked. He is ambitious…as stated above mediocrity is not an option. He always strives to be better. He expresses himself well. He is neat and clean. He is hard-worker. He has faith. He gets along well with others. This is the main stuff…I’ll spare you the rest…plus I’ve already have my man. ;)

Twitterview - Slai23

My second twitterview is someone I've known since college, but I am just getting to know on a different level. He convinced me not to leave twitter after my pride was crushed, so guess that counts for something...He's none other than Slai23.


Introduce yourself (be creative...what do you want people to know): Hi! I'm Steven, an internationally known but locally respected Graduate Student at Texas A&M. I greatly enjoy basketball and emerging technology. I also am a semi-retired sneaker freak.

What is your favorite thing about yourself? My ability to connect with a wide range of people. I'm comfortable in most any situation.

Favorite song to dance to? Hmm....I don't have a favorite. Maybe Thriller?

Favorite song to cry to? I can't recall ever crying to a song. Possibly "This
can't be life" off of Jay-z's Roc La Familia album. Put it on driving to my grandmother's wake with my cousins.

When are you at your silliest? At all times. Seriously but more silly when I'm around close friends and family.

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried or almost peed on yourself? Can't really recall. Probably that time I got into a MMS war with Clifton. We both nearly got each other fired for laughing at our cubicles.

What do you believe in the most? That most people, when given the chance to be great, regardless of their background, won't seize that opportunity.

What makes you GREAT? My ability to focus and force people to perform at their best. In life, I am also -like Mike- clutch.

What is your greatest accomplishment to date? Graduating Oakwood University, being a good son and family member/friend, and being part of a stable (going on 10 years!) happy relationship with my girlfriend. (3 way tie).

Me: So let's talk about your 'happy' relationship... :) Is she the 'one'?

Slai23: Definitely, I have a great relationship. We are on the same page and feel pretty strongly about the main points of uniting and starting a family.

Me: What do you love about her?

Slai23: Wow. Ummm....Her temperament, the way she treats people and her uncanny ability to keep me grounded. Her levelheadedness and lack of presumptive air even though she has every right to be a snob. The way she gets along with my friends and has seamlessly integrated into my family to the point that my family tells her stuff they don't tell me, lol.

Me: What is the best advice you can give relationship wise?

Slai23: I guess for me is that I am a living example that when you don't force it and approach a relationship patiently you can gain more than anyone ever could rushing their life or not waiting for God. Although my relationship has not gone to the next level it will all in good time. So I guess my advice in a nutshell is, don't rush.

Me: Do you think your girlfriend makes better person and vice versa? Is that important to you?

Slai23: Absolutely. We balance and stabilize each other. We have also influenced each other and expanded our horizons politically and culturally. Yes. It has become more important over the duration of the relationship due to me not knowing what I was missing pre-'Eb'. Lol

What is one thing that makes you..YOU? My varied taste and knowledge of things both random and useful. This in most cases flies against the stereotypes of my race and ethnicity. I greatly enjoy that.

What is your passion? Basketball, technology, and getting on with my life post school.

What is your biggest pet peeve? Proud displays of ignorance. Read a book! Don't boast that you don't know what I'm talking about!

When is the last time you lost your cool? My former pastor here in College Station made some disparaging remarks about youth within the Church. I heated up a bit.

Me: Any questions for me since you let me pick your brain?

Slai23: Why do you think you and 'Eb' have hit it off?

Me: Good one...Probably because we think very similarity, and she reminds me of some of my close friends. Very down to earth, easy to get along with, fun, smart, honest...we share many common interest reading, talking about you guys (oops...lol), cooking, and so on and so forth.

Slai23: Yeah. Because you 2 seemed to just blow up since last year or so...'Eb' needs good friends because she has opened up and been friends with people who have not been as good a friend in return as she has been to them.

Me: Yeah me too, I say that to Matt all the time

Slai23: I'm really happy you all talk. Takes the pressure off of me to be her buddy. LOL that sounds bad but its true.

Me: Lol thanks...sounds like something my significant other would say...smh

SLai23: Lol...And what has ebony told you about me??

Me: Told me about you?! Oh nothing...not much that I didn't already know

Slai23: Ha! Tell the truth. And what did you know?! From just hanging out with you . And....what did 'Eb' tell you?

Me: Well... You all seem happy, I know you have your up and downs like most couples. I see some of the traits that draw me to Matthew and those that make me shake my head and so I understand 'Eb's strife at times

Slai23: Huh?! What makes you shake your head?!

Me: Well... You both are very focused when it comes to most things expect your significant other at times *shh you didn't hear that from me* (it's part of thing we love and hate) Y'all are both strong headed ...You do mostly what you want to do .

Slai23: Except our significant others?! We focus on y'all too..

Me: Uh when it convenient, but we are usually not the priority . It's how you all operate . It's more like a faulty wire thing

Slai23: Biased! I am sure you all are our focus.

Me: At times perhaps... Consider your day... Other than work, what's the next most important part of your day . Does 'Eb' make it on the list daily? Is there always a spot for her?

Slai23: Yes...I do my best to make contact every day.

Me: Not contact ...Special time, quality time ...So that she knows, she was not a passing thought ...Very few men do that ... Sorry :(

Slai23: Hmmm ...Quality time eh? I always argue with 'Eb' that when I'm with her its quality time. She doesn't buy into that .

Me: I don't buy it either . You sound just like Matt , lol!

Slai23: There is nothing wrong with this point of view! We show our affection by being visible and present.

Me: LOL! Really visible and present?! There are lots of things visible and present . We need more effort . Ask Eb...she'll explain it . And listen to her . We need more than visibility and presence ...We can get a dog for that...*no offense*

Slai23: Grrr...

Me: Ok I think I'm done now go hug and kiss 'Eb'

Slai23: Lol ok

Twitterview - BeauTfllyBrwn

So here it is my first twitterview from one of my favorite followers, BeauTfllyBrwn. I've learned to appreciate her over the past year almost, and hopefully, you can too. Enjoy!

Introduce yourself (be creative...what do you want people to know): Hi! I'm Danielle, I prefer to be called Nikki which is short for Nicole (my middle name) but for some reason Dani sticks *UGH*. I'm 27 years old, no children yet but I would love to be a mother. *this sounds like a eHarmony ad* lol. I'm goofy but blunt. I'm a fun-loving chunky girl lol. I a black girl who loves rock and plays classical music on the piano. I'm a spades master, football loving, adventurous and restless woman! Very nocturnal as most know and I hate liars... It all boils down to I'm imperfectly human!

What is your favorite thing about yourself? That I always try to remain truthful, honest and unbiased

Favorite song to dance to? Beenie Man 'MMM MMM'

Favorite song to cry to? Right now? “Unthinkable”, all-time? “Dangerously in Love”

Me: So what's the back ground behind "Unthinkable" and Dangerously in Love?
BeauTfllyBrwn: The background for those two have are the men I loved on my life. Dangerously in love was my ex 'J'. It was crazy . I still love him til this day and always wonder about him. Unfortunately we did not stay friends . He's embodies my dream attributes the most. That's why in still attracted and love him. Yes he's tall dark Caesar cut, healthy physique, thick eyebrows...I don't know what it is with me and Thick eyebrows lol...big everything else... hands, feet etc ...powerful and confident. We communicated no matter what ...he just wasn't trusting, and was a Jerk. His power turned into arrogance. He's goal orientated and strived for success. He challenged me in all aspects of life... Okay now I realize I loved him more than I thought. Other people also ruined our relationship.

Me: Oh wow, sounds like a reunion might be in order ...sounds like a good guy on paper, but #nobueno

BeauTfllyBrwn: Oh...'J' is married now. Now “Unthinkable” was me falling in love with my best friend of 10+ years . Now the best friend is 'R'. We stepped on a lot of toes crossing that line ...It took me to move to Nashville to realize I love him. At his graduation he tried to change us then but I told him no he had a girlfriend. I didn't want to admit it then, lol. When I got home a month later I drunk dialed and told him I had feelings for him too . I moved to Chicago for school, but he and I were dating other people. He got his girl pregnant. I moved back here after that year and he chose her . I was too much of a free spirit he said . He came to visit and told me he never loved me he was confuse .

Me: Wow...

BeauTfllyBrwn:Yea I've had few loves but they were big... it takes me a long time to fall in love and when I do it's big

Me: I think that's the way it should be

BeauTfllyBrwn: It is. I never really regret it. I appreciate each lesson they've taught me. I just hate starting over . So love songs are how I cry.

Me: Oh yeah I enjoy the lessons after the pain subsides
BeauTfllyBrwn: I never really cry in front of them. Or much at all...Alan is the only man that has seen me cry . We go out and have fun but I refuse to go directly back to where we were . I'm still at the I'll sit down when you propose.

Me: Sounds like a plan.

When are you the silliest? Always but definitely when I'm sleepy

When is the last time you laughed so hard you cried or almost peed on yourself? Today! The comments on the Lakers/Celtic game was HILARIOUS

What do you believe in the most? God is an obvious answer, but I believe in living and enjoying life to the fullest. Also that complacency is NOT an option

What makes you GREAT? My family, especially my Mom and Dad. They've molded me into a great individual. I always strive to be loving, caring, understanding, honest, and forthcoming. I want to be the best friend, mom, daughter, wife, sister etc. So I'm always striving to improve or top myself; that makes me great!

What is your greatest accomplishment to date? Finally deciding on my career path and returning to school, I overcame my biggest obstacle which is myself. I've thrown excuses out the window and decided that I WILL succeed in anything I choose to. I believed in myself.

What is one thing that makes you..YOU? I love being different and don't apologize for it. I don't follow the masses. I think outside the box and I understand I am not the world. My compassion for everybody and everything in it allows me to do so. I love life. Lord this list can really go on and on and on and on lol.

What is your passion? What are you passionate about? I'm passionate about Music, Hair, Art and Architecture. Now if I could get ALL of that in one occupation that would be Nirvana lol.

What is your biggest pet peeve? People spending MY time for me. DON'T make plans for me, DON'T make any commitments for me and DON'T change plans without informing me. OMG it drives me BATTY!

When is the last time you lost your cool? Lol, Wednesday evening... My Mom MADE PLANS FOR ME to help my cousin relocate her storage. I've seen 3 u-haul trucks and made countless trips in a pick-up truck in the last 3 weeks. I'm tired of moving furniture and boxes, BUT it's family so I suck it up and do it. Now mind you It's 95 degrees outside @ 6pm. I'm cute and dressed up from my interview with Paul Mitchell The School. My Mom kidnaps me to do this... 5 hours later I'm drenched in sweat my hair is fro'd up (I only got a few hours out of my straightening session early that morning), I'm operating off 3 hours of sleep, and no food. My cousin and Mom sits there and debates about how to put the drawers to the dresser in the back of the truck, to deliver to my other cousin who is very ungrateful and NOT helping so I flipped. Lol.

What is your dream man? - Ummm my "dream" man would physically consist of beautiful dark brown smooth skin with gorgeous white teeth, full lips, tall, dreads or Caesar, healthy physique (not too small and not too big), nicely formed back, and that line that follows the pelvic separation *ahem* *fans self*, oh and BIG everything else lol ;) Now more importantly I want an intelligent man, a man that can teach me something. One I can debate and discuss politics, sports, literature, anything with. A man that makes me want to constantly improve myself so we can grow together. A communicator because I cannot read minds and I don't like having to solely rely on my ability to read body language. Mmm and a powerful man. I'm a very aggressive woman so I like a man to 'put' me in my place lol. Of course honesty but more importantly trusting, I do not need the scars from previous women; I check my bags at the door he needs to check his too. Confidence... there is nothing sexier. Goal-oriented, God-fearing and family-oriented.

Me: Um I love your dream man description ....hilarious, but very detailed

BeauTfllyBrwn: Lol...I didn't want to go crazy with it just the important stuff

Me: Lol, the important stuff like the line that follows the pelvic separation?

BeauTfllyBrwn: Lol that's so sexy. I've recently 'enjoyed' my ex 'Reg' he was so fit when we were younger and he had that line . He put on weight on and it looks so good on him and he still has that line . He's so different than my average . He's mixed. Very light dark blond curls but so hood . He's 'Blackstone' ...hazel eyes ...I used to braid his hair...my block boy. Smh. Puppy love. Our affair was off and on since I was 16, but he wasn't ready he was in the streets . I went to TSU, and he had 3 kids . He finally got his GED and he's pursuing a associates now. He is why I consider the child's age before dating . No more drama since.

Me: We should have had this chat at lounge with snacks and cocktails . Ok before I get off task....what is the best advice you can give?

BeauTfllyBrwn: Take each experience, each relationship that doesn't work out as a lesson learn; if you cannot do that don't enter another until you do. Baggage ruins relationships and hinders key factors that makes a relationship last; i.e. communication, honesty, and trust . Don't loose yourself in a relationship. It's okay to have activities outside of him and understand he needs that time also to enjoy his. STOP NAGGING! If I have to nag we're not effectively communicating.

Me: Well I had fun....got to know a bit more . :)

No Disrespect

I recently finished Sister Souljah's No Disrespect. It is an interesting book, full of knowledge that makes you think on a spiritual, emotional and political level. I admire her for acknowledging her (mis) education about life. You can tell she's smart, but like most of us she is still human. She is still a woman who longs to be loved, appreciated, and accepted. She wrote about 7 influential people in her life, 3 women (including her mother), and 4 men. These people shaped her destiny and caused her to make and break some of her beliefs. While reading the book I began thinking who would I choose if I wrote a book like this. Who are the people that have made the biggest impact in my life...and why? Did they educate or miseducate me?

These people all have some amazing stories behind them and maybe one day I might share, but for now I'll reminisce rather vaguely about lessons learned. :)

Joy - When I was young I would have given anything to be smaller, lighter, cuter...so imagine my envy when I met someone who was all those things. She was my neighbor and classmate. I imagined if I looked like her my life would rid itself of it's problems in the near and even distant future. I imagined how much more I would be liked and how much better I would be treated. In middle school on the way to high school this was more important than one might think. But I remember thinking how perfect she was, and if only I could be that perfect. Being a plump little kid (pre-teen or teen) never had any advantages. I was either getting picked on or picked over. However, it was getting to know her that I soon realized looks don't hide the pain nor do they mask what is really inside. She was a tortured soul much like me. Longing for some of the very things I took for granted. During her reason in my life I realized things are rarely what they seem and sometimes beauty is only be in the eye of the beholder.

Tasha - I thank her now because she taught me more than she'll ever know even though I spent most of the beginning our 'relationship' hating her. My disdain for Tasha lasted for a couple months, but eventually faded once I saw past what others missed. My anger towards her stemmed from a guy that we both liked. In the end she won, couldn't say I blamed him since folks likened her to a Halle Berry look-a-like. And I myself couldn't deny her beauty. However, what most people missed with the pain and anguish she had. I hated her over a guy, when I should have treated her more like a friend. She was known around school and our small community as just another pretty face, destined to fall short because of her circumstances. However, what most people missed was her determination, her drive, her will to defy the odds and prove the nay-sayers wrong, and after I looked past my disdain I was able to see; she was more than a pretty face, more than her circumstances, that beneath it all she wanted more, and rather than hate her I needed to support and love her. I needed to uplift her, she had enough people to discourage her and put her down. Sometimes your enemies aren't really the enemies you thought they were.

Chris - The day I met Chris and his dimples is the day I realized sometimes looks do matter. I knew from the moment that I saw Chris, he was out of my league, but it was meeting Chris that helped me defy my own interpretations of what that league truly was. The more I hung around him the more I felt connected to him. His genuine need to be my friend, his general concern for me...his need for me. No Chris was not a saint, not by any means, but he was a huge restorer of my faith in friendships. His general concern and care helped me make it through a difficult time. Chris came at a time when I needed him the most. Leaving him to go to college was harder than I thought it would be. I'm sure Chris never knew what he did for me when he walked into my life, but he really changed it and me for the better. He helped me see that my own perception was messed up, and I had made it that way. Chris' friendship made me look beyond my stereotypes, and find what was really in front of me.

Warfield - Ever have fantasy so vivid in your mind, it was hard to tell yourself it wasn't real? That was my vision of grandeur I had with Warfield. It was a pure and innocent feeling of a new beginning. He was a couple years my senior, an eloquent speaker, and a truly dynamic person. Every time I got the chance to be around him, I was enamored. He was all that I thought I wanted. The problem with most fantasies is sooner or later they soon must collide with reality. This collision quickly creates a paradox of whether or not you continue with the fantasy or give way to reality and its harshness. When my fantasy of Warfield met with the reality of Warfield, it took a only a short while to pick up my shattered rose-colored glasses, and realize that in the end we are all human prone to human tendencies. The defining moment came when my outlook on human emotional interaction was bleak. It made the end bittersweet, but the life lesson that much more ingrained.

Matthew - There's a moment in time, that most people wait for with every relationship, when things must come full circle. When you completely and fully realize the reason and season for that person's existence in your life. When the boomerang effect causes what seemed so far out of your reach to come back and almost fall in your lap. I believe Matt was an answer to prayer in my early-teens, but I would not know exactly how much until early-twenties. Life has a funny way of making the word never disappear from your vocabulary with the tricks it can play on you. Many say chivalry and love is dead, but for me it was resurrected through Matt. He was the gentleman I wanted my future husband to be. He was the man that many believed was rare and almost extinct. He was the complete package for me. I had learned enough through the years to know that good things come to those that wait and some opportunities only come once in a lifetime. Though we had a bumpy road it only taught me to hold on and love him more. He was my first in the complete sense of the word, and I was his. The lessons we have taught each other will only continue to help us increase our love.

Reaching contentment comes only when you acknowledge lessons learned, and the people who assisted in providing those lessons.