Being a Better Me

The truth hurts, but sometimes I need to hear it. Contentment in constructive criticism.

Justification of Hypocrisy

Normally when I have a problem I blog about it (which I just should have done in retrospect). Perhaps I was reading too much into stuff that very well might be the case, but it was never my intention to offend anyone. However, if I did I am sorry for that.

So next I'll start out by saying this I care too much sometimes, more than others would like me to at times. And if you know me and have known me, you would know it's not just a passing thing. It's who I am…I care a lot about people. I feel the need most times to give second chances and give the benefit of the doubt even though once my tolerance is gone it's hard to get it back (something I still struggle with…). But I feel like it is my duty as a Christian and as a generally concerned human being to be like that. I understand not everyone shares my position on this and that is fine I can accept that, but why must you criticize me for it? I know that I am not perfect and not within sin, and my intention is never to act like that. However, I guess when I get like this I can step on some toes (and seem pretentious), but I am holding myself to the same standards.

Basically my biggest plight at the moment is I am frustrated with being a hypocrite. Yes, a hypocrite…everyone is in some way or has been or is somewhat of a hypocrite. I see it and do it all the time. We will call someone out on the very thing that at times binds us. So it seems being a hypocrite is a part of human nature, but what I have a big problem with is justification of hypocrisy. Trying to make things ok by brushing if off or saying it was just a joke and thinking that it's not a big deal just because you said it was. That is where my issues lie. And the fact of the matter is I have done it. I am GUILITY too…I am not claiming innocence at all. But recently I have realized it's not right and I need to make a change.

The face of the matter is we all have issues…and we all fall short. I should removed the plank from my eye before I try to remove the speck from yours.

Resisting the Pressure: Free to Be ME

If you think peer pressure ended when high school finished think again. Peer pressure is once again, a necessary evil and a continuous part of life. I have seen some people do some stupid things in adulthood due to peer pressure, what I can not seem to understand is why...What makes you think that someone knows better than you, that somehow their reality is better than your? All I can say is to each his own. I even see it virtually...people fighting for attention from people they barely know, and some they've never even met. I recently took a break from social networking partly because of that, I felt the need to conform and that is not what I want to ever do. I never want to feel like I have to be something other than what I am to get people to pay attention to me or to like me. Call it what you want but it is crazy either way.

So considering what I mentioned above, this caused me to realize today I have a problem with people who go with the crowd just because. Those who choose not to march to their own beat. Those are more concerned about what others think than doing what might be unpopular. Doing something just to get attention. For instance, people who seemingly have certain beliefs and morals one minute and the next minute do something that is completely contradicting to those beliefs and morals. Why is that? It baffles me, and makes me weary about whether or not you are being completely honest and foreright about yourself to yourself. I believe many people do it because of the peer pressure because it makes them more popular or gets them the attention they want be it good or bad.

On the flip side there are times that you have to change and adjust to fit your audience, but it should not be done at the expensive of what you believe or you are. But alas this is about and what I want to be. I want to be consistent in all that I do, I want what I believe and who I am to always be parallel. I never want people to question my actions or motives constantly because they seemingly contradict with what I am saying. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say...I want to let my actions and my words coexist in beautiful harmony. Because in the end this is the contentment I search for...and I'm more comfortable in my skin knowing that I am whoever I say I am.

On the Real

It's June 2010 already!! Where in the heck has the time gone?! Who knows...I just felt like free-styling so I'm doing it. I feel so much better than I did earlier in the year. At times the growing pains of life got to me, but I am happy to say that I am back and better than ever. I am a better person cause I choose to be a better person. I have decided to stick to my guns and make the most of what I have. My first task...learning to accept myself and what makes me...me.

Reaching internal contentment...:)

Dating (with Purpose)

So dating is a necessary evil for most, but it doesn't have to be a complete waste of time. And at times it can be completely worth it. At first I thought I didn't have much authority to write about this, but then I realized I have more than I think. So here is apart of my opinion in a nutshell. Any further questions can be asked directly at any point in time. :)

Jailyn's Dating Commandments

I. Don't date outside your league.
II. Don't put yourself on a timeline.
III. Do be upfront about your intentions.
IV. Do remember all relationships require some sort of compromise.
V. Do remember no one is without flaws.
VI. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there.
VII. Do understand that no relationship is perfect.
VIII. Don't be afraid to make you own rules.
IX. Do take your time, true happiness can not be rushed.
X. Don’t ever settle…you only cheat yourself.

Are you more afraid of being alone or being with the wrong person...that is the question to answer.

If your answer is being with the wrong person, as it should be, you should date like so. This means not settling, not putting yourself on a timeline, and not dating for the heck of it, etc. Date with purpose…always date with the end result in mind. If your end result is marriage then only date those who are worthy of your time in that respect. Dating frivolously, aka causal dating, will cause some confusion and may make you believe that the wrong person is the right one...dating without purpose causes you to waste time and loose focus. Why date someone who does not share the same end goal as you? This is a pointless feat which usually only ends in emotional tragedy...I am not saying not to go on dates, I'm saying evaluate the potential dater with a personal scale of dating tolerance. See if they pass the test early, so you don't fail the final later.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with causal dating, to each his own, just don't expect much from causal dating. If you are causally dating then understand that the very nature of causal dating does not leave much room for finding 'the one.'It’s causal for that purpose, no strings attached and all that jazz. And if that is all you are looking for drink up and enjoy...it's your life you can have your cake and eat it too.

The first thing to do to avoid frivolous dating make you intentions known upfront once dating picks up. It's never too soon to see where a relationship is headed, it's ok to ask and discuss and very necessary. Next, listen to what the other person's intentions are...if they're intentions don't parallel yours don't waste you time or theirs. In the end it is what it is and it will be what it will be. Next, don't fall victim to substitute dating, thinking you can change someone. A substitute is never as good as the real thing.

Understand that most times you are the problem...since most times you are the common denominator. This is NOT a bad thing. This happens when you date out you league or when you try to settle. This happens sometimes when your answer to the question above is fear of being alone rather than fear of being with the wrong person. If you date someone outside of your rim of expectations expect to be disappointed. Always heed the red flags and test the string. The red flags are things that say (SCREAM) 'this is not right' and the strings are tied to a person's feelings, beliefs, issues, situations, etc. see how long those strings are and what they are attached too before you sign up for something you never intended to.

Dating like you afraid to be with the wrong person is tough. It requires you to forsake some of the feelings that trap you in your fear of being alone. Staying focus of the task at hand and remembering that a little 'aloneness' now can save you some heartache later. I understand that anomalies are to be expected...but carefully consider potential dates and require out of them what you want.

Know that patience, in dating, is a viture only attained by a few, and to them is given the greatest reward...CONTENTMENT

Words to live by...

The best way to get over a situation is to get over yourself. - Me

Music in my head...

I am the only one

I would right every wrong...I would change every line....I am the only one

When it hurt so bad...why does feel so good? What you want might make you cry...What you need may pass you by...if you don't catch it. "What sounds nice might not always be right for you..."

I know my creator didn't make any mistakes on me...I'm not the average girl from your video and I'm not built like a supermodel. My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes. A lady ain't what she wears but what she knows. Go on love yourself.

I can remember stories...fairy tales before I went to bed...my mind was filled with visions of perfect paradise...the story ends as stories do...reality steps into view. No longer living life in paradise or fairy tales. You never came to save...alone in the cold. No fairy tales. I found no magic potion, no horse with wings to fly...no royal kiss could save me, no magic spell to spin, my fantasy is over my life must now begin....REALITY steps into view...No fairy tales

As I stand here contemplating on the right thing to decided will I take the wrong direction. All my life, where will I go? What lies ahead of me?

Where would I be if I didn't know you?

You make my heart scream and holler...love's a gamble and I'm so glad I am winning! Never too much!

You've search high and you looked low....you've trailing to and fro...makes no difference where you go...this one thing you should know....that you'll never find nobody like the Lord. You have friends that say they'll stick with you through thick and thin, but when it's thick or thin those friends get hard to find. If you are wise then you will follow this advice and take Jesus as friend for the rest of your life. There's no relationship so fulfilling, no other friend so willing, no other one who really cares.

One shot to the heart without breaking your skin...no one has the power to hurt you like your kin...One shot to the heart without breaking your skin...no one has the power to hurt you like your friends...you'll never be happy until you see the beauty in growing old.

You made my soul a burning fire...thinking baby, about you baby, thinking baby, about you baby, give it to me baby...all I do is think about you

Realized that I just don't love you, not like I used to...used to love...used to love you...

I didn't know that I had that much strength...you can't just play with people feelings...but I think I deserve to smile.

When it ends...it ends in tears...pretty little darling have heart...don't let one mistake keep us apart...I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home.

Sweet Dream or Beautiful Nightmare...

Both remind me of the pain, irony, and beauty that come with growth.

On the Real

I haven't blogged in what seems like forever…so I've force myself to do it today. :) I started On the Real a while ago when I first started my blog in like 2005. It's basically the random thoughts in my mind of real life events and situations.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind…everything had just been running together. I can not wait until this weekend (Sunday specifically…to lay on my couch and start my Ally McBeal series…one of my birthday gifts).

My birthday which was on April 20 was pretty good this year. Breakfast, shopping, spa and dinner. So simple and so relaxing…it felt nice. I turned 25 wish I could have celebrated more, but *shrug* such is life. It was much better than some of the past years, so I'll take it. Special thanks to those that did make it special: Chris, Raquel, Danielle, Deanna, and Matt.

Next, I went to Detroit and make some of my tweeps (twitter friends or followers). That was cool. I didn't want to tell my parents or friends at first, because I didn't want them to worry or think I was crazy. I finally told them and they didn't respond like I expected, probably because I was on the trip or the trip was over. They can be such worriers sometimes. It funny because my tweeps are people who in real life I would have never crossed path with because some of us have some major differences, oh well, that's the main point of twitter. As of lately I haven't wanted to tweet much, guess in a search to really understand me…I need to get away from things that make me want to be something or someone else (ponder on that…any further questions come ask me).

I've also been thinking about some of the things I hate about myself *another shrug*. I know hate is such a strong word, but some of these things deserve to be hated. I hate that I want everyone to like me. I hate that I care so much for people who care so little. I hate how I want to help everyone, even those who don't want to be helped. I hate how I want to be included sometimes. I hate how I can't truly love and accept myself sometimes because the way I look. I hate when I get invested in a situation and I can't let go. I hate when I want to be someone's friend, and they keep rejecting my friendship. I hate that I can't just let stuff go sometimes. I hate that I always want to make things better. I hate that I want to help or be helpful. I hate that I want to be a great friend, but I have sucky friendships. I hate how I sometimes mask who I am because I am afraid of what people might thing…basically at times I am afriad to be me…go figure. So many other things is hate, but I'll digress for now. I feel like I should do a paragraph of things if love about myself, but if you look closely some of these 'hates' are also the very things that make me…me and make me stand out above the rest.

Finally, I've had a mini-rant in my head for a while...I hate complainers (always complaining…nothing is ever good enough)…life is what you make it. Deal with it!!! Stop complaining….who cares what you don't have (maybe you are not ready for it)…focus on what you do have…realize life is not going to stop just because you haven't done everything you wanted to or haven't accomplished all your goals. *SLAP* snap out of it…you're alive and in your right mind, seemingly, if you're reading this, so LIVE LIFE…BE YOU…people live life waiting for stuff to happen and all the way stuff is happening...(I'm talking to you and to myself)…"Life is what happens while you're busy making plans." ~ John Lennon
I am very blessed. I started to take it for granted, but I moving on cause pity doesn't look good me. Pity and envy insult my intelligence and degrade what I have built up for myself.

Trying to be content in the moment to set myself up for contentment for a lifetime.

Is this Me?!

I learned something about myself this week...I have not been honest with myself. Not sure of the exact reasons but I think maybe if I think if I say it out loud it might be true and I might have to deal with it. I believe that I have had somewhat of an epiphany...I have realized that my issues are like an onion...they are layered. I have been trying to focus on the small layers (issues) and have not addressed the biggest layer (issues). So I believe the biggest issue is the way I am or have been lately is not me...it's just not who I am...It's almost like I'm someone completely different...not sure yet if it's good or bad...or if I want to change it...or what exactly I want to change...I guess I do want to change somethings, but haven't really decided what. I guess I am glad that I am finally looking at the bigger picture and trying to organize and get it together. So until then searching for contentment in layers... :)

Twitter - The Social Network Phenomenon

I'll try to explain this for all you non-tweeters. Twitter is a continuous online conversation...Instant Messaging (IM) on steroids as I've heard it called. You meet people from all over and just talk to them almost daily about everything and nothing. Friendships, relationships, hate-ships have all started because of twitter. And because you talk and share more with these people daily, than you talk to some friends or family members, you create a bond. I resisted tweeting at first because I felt like it was just a bunch of random people with nothing better to do but get in other people's business. While at times it is like that, it has/had become more to me than that. It's a community, a culture, somewhat of a social movement...

Anywho at this point I have mixed feelings about it...Twitter came at a point when the drama in my life was at an all time high and I needed any escape. Now my escape has become too much like real life...I wondered how long my fascination would last with it... and while I haven't quite given up on Twitter...random hiatus' are very necessary at times...

I have too many mixed feelings about Twitter and my tweeps to explore them here. Just had to get it out there...

Me, myself and I - Birthday Blues

My first post in April will be about Me cause this is my month (and this is my blog)! :)

So first and foremost...I had a GREAT weekend. Haven't had one in a long time I needed it. Friends, family, good food, fun and great conversations, what more could a girl ask for?! I thought the social atmosphere would be too much for me to handle this weekend, but I think it was just what the doctor ordered.




On to the next subject: I've been avoiding writing this, hoping that my general emotion would blow over, so maybe after I get it off my chest I'll feel better.

So in 2 weeks I'll be 25...I am excited about reaching this milestone. I will no longer have to pay that stupid young driver insurance for rental cars, my general insurance goes down, and that's pretty much it other than I am offically starting my countdown (or count up...) to 30.

I love birthdays always have...I ALWAYS had birthday parties when I was younger, never was my birthday skipped or overlooked or passed up as if it was not important. However as I got older somehow that started to change...and now I am slightly cynical toward birthdays. I've spent birthdays in my dorm alone with takeout, out with a bunch of randoms cause my 'friends' had better things to do, and I have cried on my birthday for the past 5 years...so needless to say I am extremely nervous about the upcoming birthday. So much so that all I want to do is be alone to avoid disappointment. I know it sounds super crazy, but it's really how I feel. Maybe as the time gets closer I start to feel more enlightened, but I doubt it...I know others shouldn't dictate how my birthday goes, and from now on they won't, but that still doesn't change my mind or attitude.

Searching for contentment at 25....

100 reasons Why I Am Thankful

Why am I thankful?! Cause I have so much to be thankful for...for a while now I've been having some issues, big and small. I'm normally a very positive person...I try my best to look at the silver lining even when it's too small to see with the human eye (lol). And lately that has just not been my MO...not really sure why...jury's still out on that...So in order to create a more positive outlook I put myself on punishment...do nothing else until you come up with 100 things you're thankful for. Why you ask did I do this? To help me see the silver lining...some of the things on here are big...some very small...but all things that I am thankful for.

Making this list was a challenge especially since I only had a weekend. Why such a quick turnaround? Because why put off what you can do today...I needed myself to make this important like anything else I would do if I was getting paid or getting a grade for it. I needed this for my sanity to show myself even when things are bad...they aren't really that bad. I needed myself to understand that I have so much to be thankful for.

I will be honest getting to 100 was a true chore, but on any given day I'm sure there are 100 things I should be grateful for that I overlook because they are so microscopic. So without anymore extra 'words' here's my list:

1.I’m thankful for my belief in the Most High…sometimes it’s just the thought that helps
2.I’m thankful for my mom and dad and everything that have done and will continue to do for me....I love them to death!! Even when they drive me crazy.
3.Of course I’m thankful for my life partner…someone who thought I was worthy enough to be with for life. (sometimes it amazes me)
4.I’m thankful for my extended family…they also made me who I am…so they should both apologize and be thankful :)
5.I am thankful for being slightly sheltered…sheltered enough to know I'm safe, but also free enough to experience on my own
6.I am thankful for my health…I’m trying more and more every day by watching what I eat and exercising to show how thankful I am
7.I’m thankful for private school education all the way through college and being debt-free when I got out…
8.I am thankful for being well-rounded
9.I am thankful for music…Daryl Coley, Boyz II Men, Anita Baker, India.arie, Chrisette Michele, Jill Scott, Kindred the Family Soul, Musiq, Joe, Algebra, Lauryn Hill, Maxwell, Chaka Khan, Tamia, Brandy, Kelly Price, Jazmine Sullivan, Stevie Wonder, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, and a ton more…
10.I’m thankful for the person I was and the person I am to become (by God’s grace)
11.I’m uber thankful for my house…I was a homeowner before 24…a feat not accomplished by most
12.I’m thankful for my job, and hopefully soon a career
13.I’m thankful for my car that I have had since sophomore year in college from my parents (told you they were a blessing)
14.I’m thankful for the blessed hope…”O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?’ – 1 Corinthians 15:55 KJV
15.I’m thankful for learning (books and common sense)…once it was a priceless gift, I try my best not to take it for grated
16.I thankful for being me…although at times it might suck…today it’s cool and that’s what matters most
17.Thankful for my amazing cooking abilities…I rock! It’s my one true talent.
18.I’m thankful sometimes for my caring spirit…although it can be taken advantage of it’s nice to know I was helpful
19.I’m thankful for friendships lost, they make me even more thankful for friendships I have, and thankful for new friendships to come
20.I’m thankful to see and hear…two things too many people wish for
21.I’m thankful to be in my right mind…I can get ‘crazy’ but I can always function
22.I’m thankful at times for twitter, but mostly thankful for the new people I’ve met they keep my laughing and keep my days less dull
23.I’m thankful for my Christian, HBCU (don’t know what this means…shame on you…) education…aka The Oakwood Experience
24.When I get it I’m thankful for peace of mind…it’s those restful moments when all is well
25.I’m thankful to be a godparent.
26.I’m thankful to be considered a friend…to some people with high standards
27.I’m thankful to be a big sister even though they try not to listen to me most times
28.I’m thankful for those that came before me and paved the path: Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, Ralph David Abernathy, Ida B. Wells, Rosa Parks, my grandparents, my great-grandparents, great aunts and uncles, you get the idea
29.I’m thankful for my fence, took a year to get it and paid for it in cash…patience pays off
30.I’m thankful for patience (of the saints sometimes)…I'm thankful for it even when it is no where in sight
31.I’m thankful for fruit…my favorite kind is watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberries, grapes (red and hard), bananas, nectarines, plums (I like prunes too), and apples.
32.I’m also thankful for vegetables: corn, greens, spinach, string beans, broccoli, carrots, squash, green peppers, and mushrooms.
33.I’m thankful that I don’t settle for mediocrity…cause it’s not expectable
34.I’m thankful for the story of Job, life is not always (never) fair…but praise God anyhow
35. I’m thankful for my clothes and shoes…slightly vain but I really like most of them and they make me look good ;o)
36.I’m thankful for having things to smile about
37.I’m thankful because in the grand scheme of things, stuff will work out in the end’
38.I’m thankful for true love…enough said
39.I’m thankful for loyalty
40.I’m thankful for the truth
41.I’m thankful for flowers…they add so much color to the world
42.I love water, so I’m thankful for oceans…but I slightly scared to swim in there…while the whales, sharks, fish and etc are amazing…they terrify me and I look to observe them at a distance
43.I’m thankful for my 2 dogs they remind me of how much I am not ready for children at this point…seriously people 3 years at the least…I’m in my prime :D
44.I’m thankful for common sense…it’s not as common as you think
45.I’m thankful for my ability to be insightful and observant…
46.I’m thankful for the time I got to know myself and who I truly am
47.I’m thankful for professional lessons learned…you won’t always work with people you like but you have to still get along with them
48.I’m thankful advancements in technology…of course for the obvious reasons…lol
49.I’m thankful for spring/fall weather…it makes me soooo happy….I wish it was year around weather
50.I’m thankful I made it half way through this list…100 is a lot…but even after 50 I feel so warm and fuzzy I have a ton to be thankful for.
51.I’m thankful I’ve never been homeless, without food or clothes on my back
52.I’m thankful for 25 years…almost…
53.Thankful I am able to give…blood (I’m O positive…holla at me if you are too I might need you one day) …money…time…love...encouragement
54.I am thankful for the paths I have chosen and the people I have met that have made a big deal in my life
55.I’m thankful for long hair and ponytails
56.I am thankful for restful weekends and lazy Sundays
57.I am thankful for national holidays, most times just for the break.... :)
58.I am thankful being able to smile....and being genuine most times
59.I am thankful for adversity...it's a necessary evil that I still resist
60.Sometimes I am thankful that I wear my heart my sleeve
61.I am thankful for financial stability at this point in my life and my parents who taught me how to deal with my finances.
62.I am thankful for my domestic skills...I can do it all
63.If I didn't express it enough I am thankful for my husband...he has taught me more than he knows (even when I resist it)...mostly I appreciate him for appreciating me even when I don't appreciate myself
64.I am thankful for my stubbornness...it has taught me that sometimes you have to be bullheaded to get what you want
65.I am thankful for my flat iron for obvious reasons...lol!!
66.I am thankful for food...I love to eat! #thatisall
67.I am thankful for celebrations...it means we have something to celebrate and be thankful for
68.I am thankful for those who have and always will have my back
69.I am thankful for those who love me for who I am and what I am
70.I thankful I started writing this and have gotten this far...
71.The fact that I have working organs at this moment makes me thankful.
72.I am thankful for the significant others that have entered some of my friends life..
73.I am thankful for my blinds!! It took forever to get them all
74.I thankful that sexually I took the road less traveled....
75.I am thankful for the cross...Amen
76.I thankful for a listening ear...
77.I am thankful for being able to write and let it out cause sometimes talking just doesn't cut it...Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks....
78.While sometimes I am at a lost for finding my true abilities...I am thankful for them
79.I am thankful for honesty.
80.I am thankful at times that life is continuously moving cause if not I would not move...#fact
81.I am thankful for my dining room table...ask and it shall be given
82.I am thankful for my Wii, it's kept me on my game for the most part
83.I am jumping for joy and thankfulness that I finally got most of cd collection on my computer and ipod
84.Thankful for salt and pepper for without them food would be bland...(oh and sage, lemon pepper, onion and garlic powder, blackened seasoning...you get the point)
85.Thankful for intimacy and the tender moments
86.I am thankful for face-to-face interaction
87.I am thankful for lights, so I can see (I know that was way to easy)
88.I am thankful for the Kings English, even though it is abused daily (sometimes even by me...*holds head down*)
89.Thankful for lessons learned the hard way...cause they are truly lessons learned
90.I am thankful for my diligence and self-discipline, say what you want about me but I am focused (except when my ADHD kicks in...lol!)
91.I am thankful for my grandparents and the life they lived...
92.I am thankful for my godchild and that she made it into this world safe and sound...
93.I thankful for the sunshine!!! The clouds were making my gloomy and depressed...
94.I am thankful for prevention...I'll leave it at that
95.I am thankful I am able to see when my best isn't good enough
96.I am thankful that I am not afraid to say I'm sorry (sometimes....I know)
97.I thankful the time I have, had, and will have....basically thankful for the past, present and the future
98.Thankful for Kell, Naya, Candace, and Krystle....
99.Thankful that I have things to be thankful for...
100.I am thankful I made it to 100, and that I made myself do this....to help me see what's most important...

The end with happy contentment and a fulfilling commitment...

Creative Writing

The first poem was a free verse. "Let the chips fall where they may."

THOUGHTS
Silence…
Alone with my thoughts
Back and forth they go,
Fighting for a bit of attention
And finally they stop
….On you
Your smile, your style
You’re just being…you.
Always thought you were
The one for me
Always thought we would be
But…
Interrupted by another thought
Remember the time you…
Or do you remember…
Caught off guard again
By the thoughts of…me and you
Together…Apart…
Wait…here comes another one
Thoughts haunt me…in the silence
They torture me, repeatedly
As I close my eyes the thoughts
Become subdued…once again
It is silent…
And here I am alone with my thoughts.


The second poem was a cinquain. Based on a Langston Hughes poem. ;)

Wishing…
Love lost:
looking like new,
dressed up but feeling blue.
Wishing for a love that once was
(lovesick)?

This is Me...

http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-am-whatever-i-say-i-am.html

http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2009/04/progress.html

Random Thoughts

So for most of you who really know me…you know I like (LOVE) to talk and hang…and there's usually very little I hold back…well that is rapidly changing…I've gone from extrovert to introvert. Basically I feel like I am becoming cold to the idea of friends…cause I've lost my faith in most of them…*shrug*...

I'm tired of overextending myself for people who could not give a ____. (Yes I feel like that)

I feel like people are requiring too much out of me…I would much rather not talk about it…

I know I said earlier that I was going to be more honest with my friends…blah, blah, blah…and that is true (at least with the true friends I have left especially after this post) but only when my advice or opinon is solicited. The truth is people can't handle the truth and in the end they hold it against you…*shrug*…everyone does...

I have a story I am not going to tell for fear of the reprecussions but I will say this…I felt slighted and it may be me being selfish, but it's how I feel. I need to stop dismissing how I feel just because it might make someone else uncomfortable.

These days I am much happier with acquiantences than with friends because it's less emotional strain…

Also I have come to the conclusion I need some friends that do not associate with my other friends, because…well you know why… :)

Even after all this I am much happier now than I was earlier in the year. I think it's mainly because I've accepted life for what it is and what I have. The fact is it's my life and it's how I chose to live.

Maybe I Am Perfect

I am a month away from 25 and I have accomplished more than some accomplished before 35. I finished a BBA in Marketing, an Associates in Accouning, and a MBA…I been married for 1 1/2 and I own a home. I plan on waiting as long as I can and building up as much wealth as I can before I have kids…(Seriously people 3 - 5 years...maybe longer…it's not as long as it seems). Most of what I have wanted to accomplish I have…

I have both of my parents...I managed to get into a GREAT relationship without half of the BS that some people go through. (I determined early on that I would not take BS and I stuck to that even though it meant little to no dating in college…honestly even though at times I think I might have missed out in the grand scheme of things it's not worth it)…I also stuck to my vow to remain celibate until marriage (I couldn't handle the emotional strain that it puts on you I'm convinced)...I have a job (career...Jury's still out on that)…but it pays well and I live well…So from the unassuming (and maybe the assuming) eye… I'm Perfect! :)




*****************PAUSE FOR EFFECT******************



Of course I couldn't end there…I guess this is the time I would expose all my flaws that make me not perfect as people think and shock and amaze you as readers…Welp…here it goes…I am probably as straight laced as they come (kind of)…I have strayed very little from my goals and plans. Maybe I'm a prude *shrug* that's something I must face, but I'm not apologetic for it…I am what I wanted to become (sort of)...

So here's the big kicker (not really)…I'm not Perfect…not by a long stretch…as a matter of fact, perfect is relative…I did what I had to do to get the life I wanted…and frankly everyone has the same ability…I live a simple, somewhat prudish lifestyle…I could give you trite but true sayings like attitude determines altitude or happiness just like perfection is relative, decide and act…but I will say this…I am Blessed…plan and simple…and I acknowledge that daily…Perfection is in the hand's of the Creator…and my contentment lies in Him...

Little White 'friendship' Lies

Some people just can't handle the truth, better yet some people don't really want to hear the truth they would rather experience it on their own. Even better than that you can't tell grown folks what to do...

However I can't help to think that maybe if I was more honest it would have at least put more of a bug in their ear.

Friend: Do you think we have a good relationship?
Me: Um well I haven't seen you interact that much, so can't really say (cop out)
Should have said: You both have a lot of things to work on personally...you have a lot of open ends and that's not going to work in this type of situation. Or going to make for a great relationship.

Friend: We're getting married.
Me: (in my head) you're crazy....your totally not ready. (Outloud) Oh wow...
Should have said: Do you think your ready? It's a huge step and you can't undue it once it done. I know you know that, but from my perspective this is not a good idea.

Friend: He's not ready for a relationship...
Me: If you are you should say so you deserve so much more.
Should have said: Are you ready? Then you tell him, and if he can't get with that, maybe it's time to move on Don't stand for that *ish. You don't have too, they're too many people who would jump at the opportunity to be with you.

Friend: He's not serious
Me: Oh really? Interesting...
Should have said: Nope he's not and frankly neither are you...don't waste your time...like you did on the last 5 guys who had the same MO as him.

I know what you're thinking...don't save them...they don't want to be saved (I couldn't resist). But like most people I love I want to protect my friends. I know heart break and hard lessons are inevitable (especially for stubborn people)...but you can't blame a girl for trying.

But the truth is I haven't been completely honest all the time. I've sugar-coated and filtered messages because sometimes (most times) my views are unpopular and I feel like people can't handle the whole unfiltered, unsweetented truth. Yes the truth full-on is hard to hear, but it's also hard to deliver.

Anyway I said all this to say I want to be more honest with all my friends, with myself, and vice versa. I want to feel like they are telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and that I am doing the same for them. Sometimes it's hard to see something when you're in the thick of it. Someone with a more panoramic view might be helpful in assessing the situation.

I don't know everything and I don't claim to know everything, but what I do know is this. Lies no matter what color, hue or how big or small don't benefit anyone in the long run. We became friends for a reason and now it's time to see if that friendship can truly stand the test of time and honesty.

Finding contentment in telling the truth in friendships...

So...today I want to be anybody but me...maybe

Today is one of those days when being me just isn't that cool. Of course being someone else might suck too...

So who exactly do I want to be?

Maybe just a cooler version of me (although I'm pretty cool already) I'd keep the main stuff that makes me...and add...well come to think of it....I'm just me and that's the best I can be.

Building contentment takes analysis...

Emotionally Expressing what is truly inside

I have come to the conclusion that while expressing myself emotionally is human, certain emotions make me feel weak and unable to control my situation; especially emotions like sadness. I just usually want to be alone and keep my thoughts to myself. I'm honest with myself when I admit that things are tough, but I'm not always honest with those around me. My fear to express myself completely comes from my fear of being vulnerable with people.

Emotionally Expressing what is truly inside is something that I don’t handle as easily as I'd like to. Why? I guess other than it being an innate trait (that I probably got from my momma) it's a coping and defense mechanism. I don’t want to be bound to anyone because of what I am feeling and what I express to them…I am always suspicious of people's motives. I feel like expressing myself emotionally requires me to trust in a way I'm not sure I'm completely comfortable doing.

The thing is in normal situations I am fine expressing myself or my viewpoint, but when things get more personal than I like, I clam up. I don't think I've ever admitted that I need help, but just maybe that's a good place to start.

The Happy Medium

A few days ago I came with the term 'happy medium.' It is the place where contentment lies. It is where justification about certain things are no longer necessary. It's being content with yourself and you situation...where you are ok the decisions you have made or the consequences that will later come. The happy medium is a safe middle ground between positivity and reality...it makes you accept that life is such and such is life.

The toughest thing about the happy medium is letting go of the ideas that you have developed that keep you from being happy. Sometimes accepting that life is not fine is okay...no one's life is perfect. This is a continuously process, that requires attention daily to maintain. I know I make it sound easy, but it's not. Personally, I'm living & working toward the happy medium because life is a seesaw...sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but in the middle your feet are on the ground.

Sometimes in accepting the happy medium you find what you are suspicious of might be true...accept that and move on. No need in dwelling on the past or on things that you can not change. Knowing two wrongs never make a right is a step in the right direction to create a happy medium...Knowing wrong is wrong, right is right...if you are wrong then, you're not right. Giving people or yourself the benefit of the doubt sometimes only hinders the acceptance of the problem. A

Accept what you can...and create your happy medium around that. Accepting that time waits for no one and rushing it doesn't make a difference. Time is the one thing no one ever has enough of especially when they really need it. But you can't rush it...time is what it is.

The happy medium is not always easy to accomplish especially when controversy is in the forefront. So what I've learned (however, I don't always follow this advice) is sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to do. Your opinion is not always necessary. There are just some things that just need to be kept safe inside until the right time.

I have learned that some people just need a pity party, but you don't have to participate. You can politely decline...people are selfish by nature...acceptance of that is the first step in understanding them. Understand that changing people or their views is not an easy task or one the is completely necessary to reach a happy medium. Learning to accepting these views and opinions for what they are can help create a diverse understanding of certain things and expand your understanding.

Lastly, you can help everyone, but only those who want your help with accept it. What works for you...works for you. Everyone has to choose their own path.

The happy medium in all things is what I'm striving for...simply pure contentment.

Who Am I?

An age old question…who am I? What am I? What was I? Who am I becoming? Who was I suppose to be? Where am I going? What makes me who I am? And the list of random nonsensical questions continues…if I am honest with myself I will have to admit this answers change daily. The reality that I've come except is everyday these questions are answered in my actions and my thinking…and every day they are different. I am changing every day, each new day brings a new challenge, opportunity or obstacle to face and every day I do something differently to overcome, avoid or conquer it.

Every day I am shaping and molding who I am and it’s a continually process. I know that I am not and will never be perfect and that is definitely my aspiration. My goal as noted continuously throughout this blog is contentment…I aspire for contentment in who I am…what I am…what I was...who I am becoming…who I was suppose to be…where I am going…and ultimately what makes me who I am…

Knowing this and a host of other things I am able to forge forward and embrace the reality of who I really am. I am a child of God, a daughter, sister, wife, friend, coworker, church member, neighbor…I am beautiful, sexy, confident, funny, ambitious, talented, driven, determined, crazy, sensible (at times), loveable, laughable…I am who I am and that changes on a continuous basis and I'm okay with that

Out of the abundance of the heart...the mouth speaks

I might be writing daily, these next few days...gonna be tough.

Peace (and contentment) be unto me...

I know what I'm talking about...

Just because I have endured less than the average (black) female when it comes to relationships doesn't mean I lack the hands-on experience needed to know about love, life and relationships. I am very aware of things that happen in both love and life (and I'm also willing to say there is so much more that I have to learn)...contrary to popular belief I am well-versed in them too. I don't have to experience something to give advice on it or speak on it intelligently. I am NOT naive I just choose to take a more positive look at things. Now I understand being realistic is important and I take that into consideration also, but overall my advice is very well thought out and delivered.

Let me explain this...I will be 25 in a little less than 2 months...no 25 is not old but it's old enough that I have gained some life experience and knowledge. I am married (apparently I know something about love and relationships)...to the only person I dated in college and met in high school. To most people apparently that totally screws my credentials to give any kind of life and love experience advice. Life and love are a continually process which require learning on all sides. They are an universal meanings and have all kinds of interpretations.

I think that in most cases everyone has an unique perspective to bring to the table (especailly when it comes to love, life and relationships), and I am one of those unique perspectives. Dismissing my perspective, opinion or advice is careless. I've learned lessons by watching others (yes amazingly lessons can be learned that way). Experience is not always an a good evaluation about someone's ability to learn and convey proper lessons about life, love and relationships. My biggest pet peeve is to listen or read (Essence, Ebony, Jet) a bunch of (black) women talk about love, life and relationships based on their crappy experiences only to give their pessimistic view and advice on the situations. To me those women never seem to have learn the lessons in the situations, at least they don't convey that to me, and they are only setting themselves up for failure with attitudes like that. Attitude determines altitude...don't speak about it...BE about it!

I was angry about people's conclusions about me, but at this point I say that's your personally naive opinion of me, and I guess I have no choice but to be content with that ignorant fact.

More than a Friend...

I am usually open to people and making new friends since my options are starting to dwindle. However, recent events have caused me to doubt my openness and trust of those who call themselves my friends. Maybe I should first express and explain what I want from a friend. I ask that my friends be loyal...loyalty is important for several obvious reasons. I want my friends to be honest with me and I want to feel like I can be honest with my friends. If at any point I feel unable to fully express myself to you, we are not that cool *shrug*, that's real. I've spent too much time sugar-coating information cause people are afraid of the truth...PEOPLE it only sets you free!!

I need a friend who is always a friend. I'm through dealing with convenient friendships, friends only when it is convenient for them. I need support from my friends, even when I am going through it I want to try to be there for my friends, and I want and expect the same out of them. A link is much stronger if helps support the weight of the other links in the chain. At times I know I can be ME sometimes (selfish, sarcastic, unmoving, headstrong), but I need a friend who can tell me that and not hold it against me.

I need a friend who is ambitious and determined...if we are still taking about the same dreams you had 5 years ago and you are in the same place you were 5 years ago...our friendship has little life left in it. I can not stand to dwell on the should of's, could of's, would of's of life...make it happen...don't speak about it, BE about it! Life is what you make it, it can throw some curve balls but equip yourself and move on. I need a friend who is adaptable and flexible. Life and times change, so do people...can you stand the rain? I need a friend who rejoices in my successes cause you can BET your last dollar I'm going to rejoice in yours. I need you to be the friend you would ultimately want me to be.

Ok, so now that that's out the way I can get on to the point of my blog (I know...shame). Recently I have been on a city (online) search for 'friends.' Thought I found some only to realize that not only are people not always what they seem. As Lauren say in Forgive Them Father 'beware of the false motives of other/be careful of those who pretend to be brothers/and you never suppose it's those who are closest to you/they say all the right things to gain their position/then use your kindness as their ammunition...Although you don't know who you are I forgive you and I am content in that.

Endurance

I'm so tired right now...I drove back from Nashville in the rain and lightening (for those who really know me, you know my terrible fear of storms...I clutched the steering wheel with my death grip the whole way back to Huntsville and prayed continuously). Anyway I got home and it only stormed more (the best thing besides making it back to Huntsville safely was the fact that it did not thunder until I got home). I never get rest when it storms, so I was restless most of the night. Thirty minutes before my alarm was to go off, my mom called and informed me of my grandmother's passing. It's been something that we've been knowing and trying to accept might happen for weeks. I am good now, just stuck in the here and now...knowing Thursday and Friday will be extremely hard. Not sure how I will cope, but guess we'll see over time. This is one of the closet people to me that has died, other than my uncle, she was like my 2nd mother. Even as I type this it's hard not to tear up, but I'll make it through.

I spent every major holiday at my grandparents (now I can only spend a few cause I have to alternate with my husband's family) and every summer until almost 16 with them. I even lived with my aunt, who lives minutes from my grandparents, while my mother finished dental school and took her boards. I absolutely LOVED being at my grandparents. I guess I never considered the impact my grandmother had on me until I realized I would have to say 'see you later' one day. Well that day has come and oddly it's different than what I imagined. My emotions now are subdued simply because I try not to dwell on it, hopefully making it easier to accept. I don't regret not spending more time with her cause the time we spent together was truly treasured.

I don't think out loud I ever told my grandmother I loved her, but I hope she knew. The more I think about it maybe I should have. I appreciated the care and nurturing that I was able to receive from her. I am of course indebted to her raising my mother (and aunts/uncles), who at times drives me nuts, but who I love dearly. It's weird how death makes you appreciate life and those around you so much more (trite but true). I finish this by remembering 'the race is not given to the swift, but to the one that endure.' I'm enduring and hopefully will one day be able to see my grandmother again in the life to come...until then I contently wait.

More, more, more.

I'm slowly realizing that I need more than I think...and even when I finally think I had all I can take I need more....more...more....

I need so much more, more than at times than I feel like I can ask for. I need more of it all. More of what...everything and anything that is needed...love, compassion, feeling, happiness, joy, peace, longsuffering, contentment, satisfaction, purpose and the list goes on.

Now I realize that I need more, what to do? My initial reaction is to brush it off, but then that's when I realize I really need more. Brushing it off just makes me want more. So I'm on the pursuit of finding more. Even when I feel like I've been all used up, I realize I still need more. Although at times it'll seem like I'm all filled up, I'll still need more...contentmently searching for more... :)

Control

So today I am going to write uninhabited and free...so I might be all over the place, but try to follow me the best you can.

Today has been a day of reflection...a time to evaluate. And this is just an eighth of what has been flowing through my mind...

This month and last month have been an interesting roller coaster of emotions. I've felt confused, sad, empowered, motivated, unmotivated, and a range of other emotions. The strange thing is that nothing constant not even for a minute. My mood, my desires seem to be constantly changing. I can only guess and hope that these changes are assisting in my growth as I wrote about earlier.

I must admit though these changes are scary. I'm not sure why maybe it's the uncertainty of it all or maybe it's the feeling of not being in control of anything. Whatever the case...it's downright uncomfortable. Not bring able to 'shake' this feeling has an certain uneasiness about it.

And to top all my other feelings off I've recently been full of regret. Wishing I had taken advantage of different opportunities even though I'm not sure if these opportunities would have even presented themselves. Basically what it comes down to is wanting what I can't have and not appreciating what I do have.

And frankly trying to control things only makes things harder than it should be at times. The ultimate thing is unfortunately I can't control others, but I can control what I do and how I react. The problem is usually it's not always about me. However, it is something that I must move past. So my goal is to control what is within my reach.

Always seeking contentment...

Understanding

Timeless lessons...nothing is ever really what it seems and you know nothing until you walk in that person's shoes...these are lessons learned in Life 101, but many of us disregard them. However, I am starting to believe it is these lessons that will help us on our life journey the most.

To say I'm been dealing with some issues is an understatement, and honestly I have been letting that effect my interactions with others. In a sense I've disregarded others situations to 'highlight' my own. The reality is I can still help others even while I'm 'going through it.' My issues don't or shouldn't hinder my ability to care. I need to realize that I am not the only person in the world with problems. More times than not, there are people who are having or have had the same issues I am going through and leaning on them might be the boost that I need.

I was feeling a certain way the other day and after talking to someone I realized I had slightly misjudged them. I felt like they had offended me, but like me they were dealing with some issues. I said all this to say if you don't know...don't assume, at times you might be pleasantly surprised if you take the time to inquire and even care about what the other person is going through. Though trite, it's true consider the shoe being on the other foot.

It amazing how passing issues can make you forget what it truly important...contentment relies on your ability to truly embrace the differences that others bring to the table. Looking outside of yourself might be what you need to help you embrace and deal with your issues. As I previously noted no man is an island, taking that to heart and respecting the 'other' perspective can help open up a world of understanding.

Learning Painfully through Change and Growth

I've never seen a caterpillar turn into a butterfly, but just looking at the extreme changes that emerge is quite amazing. I mean imagine one day crawling on your belly and the next day (or weeks) flying. What an extreme and amazing feat.The feeling of spouting wings to me is only a concept, but it something I can only imagine is much harder than it looks.

Like a butterfly every living thing goes through some change or growth in life. Change and growth are a necessary part of life. It's the natural progression of the human journey. I understand that and accept it wholeheartedly. But I must admit the one thing I didn't realize is how painful change and growth can truly be.

The pain that comes with change and growth helps the lessons you are learning to stick. It helps embed them in your mind to create a lasting and, hopefully, fool-proof plan of meaningful change and growth.

I've had to learn some hard lessons recently and the pain of going through them has been quite unbearable at times. But something I just realized is that with that pain comes a new understanding. I've reached new points in life that I would have never obtained without the hard lessons.

Sometimes I feel like I'm growing at the expense of my sanity. It's like I'm progressing while standing still...I know it's sounds crazy but I believe when this period of my growth comes full circle, I'll be moving leaps and bounds.

So, at this point I'm rejoicing through the pain...I'm smiling through the tears because I know it'll get better. Finding contentment is not easy, but it is most definitely possible. Change and growth can be painful, but it's the risk I'm willing to take to achieve the reward. So until next time embrace growth and change for within them lay your contentment. ;)

Friendliness = Friends

'A man that hath friend must show himself friendly...' Proverbs 18:24...my mom's favorite quote once we moved from Chicago to Atlanta and I complained about having no friends. The saying still rings clear in my head as I have gone through life and made several adjustments in my friendships.

I've gone through a couple changes and life adjustments...in 8th grade we moved from Chicago to Atlanta. This was the most devastating thing that could have happened in my 13 year old life (-_- )...Sophomore year in high school I realized being with the 'cool' kids wasn't as 'cool' as I thought it would be...so more changes...Sophomore year in college I realized that I was growing up and putting away childish things were necessary and so that is what I did...I put away childish 'friendships.' Now out of college and married, my quest for truly meaningful friendships that enhance my life is on...

Honestly I feel like I'm just making acquaintances not friends. Do I need to be friendly to make those? Does that mean I am not friendly enough? Should I be friendlier? Ok, so I'm losing focus, but at times that's how I feel...Anyway all this has led me to these 2 questions and has caused much reflection...What kind of friend I am? What kind of friend I have been?

I could write a list of accomplishments and failures that have made me the world's best and/or worst friend. But the truth is that is up to those who consider me a 'friend' to decide and for now I rest with the contentment that being friendly can only gain me friends...

I am Changing

I am changing...seeing clearer. Experiencing growth in a wierd way...watching myself evolve. Trying to make the best of what I have...trying to understand the hand I was dealt. It's a difficult process when there are no clear cut answers, but I am trying. I'm learning certain people don't fit into me destiny...and that's okay. I am accepting that perfection is not attainable, but my best is always acceptable and should be my standard.

Looking at it I can honestly say I need more help than I willing to admit. I'm willing to admit my shortcomings...and for me that's a start.

All-in-all I feel insightfully delighted by the changes that are coming. It feels like growth...and I am truly happy for it.

I'm truly finding contentment...within myself

Rejecting life lessons and blaming God

So...I hate early morning phone calls cause they only mean a few things...This early morning phone call was about my grandma. She was having some issues and went into the hospital last week and hasn't left since. My mother called this morning telling me she was in code blue (needs CPR) and basically her heart had stopped. (Deep breath) they started it again and she's stable. This on top of other problems feels like a weight on my chest. But in retrospect I should be praising God.

My grandmother raised 11 children. Eight of which were hers, 2 adopted and 1 foster child that she had since she was 5 months, who now is 28 and is taking care of her and my grandfather. She also aided in the care of 60 + foster children throughout her lifetime. This prompted the eclectic family that I now have, many of her children have adopted children or been foster parents. The 11 children she raised were mostly raised off my grandfather's salary of a teacher (and he cleaned offices at night with a MBA) and her sporadic cleaning jobs. My aunts and uncles never went hungry always had a roof over their head, and each was given the opportunity to go to college. My grandmother has lived a full life and has the story to prove it.

Reading the top part alone makes me thankful, but to some it might seem unfair that my grandmother is going through this. The reality is God has been really good to her and maybe this is a lesson for those around her.
It a lesson for us to cherish the time we have left with her and remember the good times we had with her.

I, personally, believe dealing with life situations are more about finding the lessons in them. I'm blessed to have always had food, clothing shelter, people who love me, and health (which many of us take for granted). If tomorrow all those things were gone, would I be hurt, mad, upset, scared, and angry. Yes! All human emotions...all completely natural and normal. But the fact of the matter is looking back I have nothing but praises because...
the good has outweighed the bad. Is my attitude sustainable? On good days...but it's something I'm working on.

You get pregnant at 18 because of the choice you made (not God's fault). You have cancer (result of sin, and for the scientists, genetic traits possibly, also not God's fault). You lose a loved one (once again sin, not God's fault). Though these situations can have tragic consequences or repercussions they are not God's fault nor sometimes are they yours. But the fact of the matter is in some of these situations are there to teach us lessons.

Having to raise a baby by yourself is tough, but it choice that was made and a lesson to be learned. Perhaps it's a lesson on love or responsibility. Whatever it is, it's yours to learn and accept. The quicker you accept it, the faster you can start to understand. I can't say that you'll ever fully understand, but your insight will definitely become heightened.

All-in-all my contentment rests in the fact that life and change happens and there's nothing I can do about it but, accept it. Rejecting change and learning lessons the hard way only further complicates things. So as noted in an early post I am trying to embrace life and it's lessons as they come.

If you like this blog post check out this earlier one: http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2006/06/lesson-learned-hard-wayis-lesson.html

Pray without Ceasing

Prayer changes things...I am convinced.

And until someone gives me a better solution to life's impossible challenges...I am sticking with what I know.

Continued prayers and contentment...#thatisall

Realism with Positivity Possibilities

I realized again, for the 250th time, that I can be negative or I can embrace reality with a positive attitude and receive more than I could doing the opposite. Life has enough drawbacks without me adding my pessimistic, unadaptable attitude into the mix. Of course all is not perfect and neither am I, and this new found attitude may change and falter every now and then. The most important thing is that I am truly trying to take a panoramic view of life. Why? Because all thought trite it's true life is too short for just any ole' attitude.

This month may have not been the best, but prayerfully there's always next month. And if all else fails there was that good year two years ago. The thing is I am not on my back yet and so I have not failed yet. Too many times I have failed before I tried by starting off with the wrong attitude. This year has not gotten off to the best start, but all is not lost. I will just have to work harder to make sure that I make up for lost time.

Being realistic doesn't have to remove my positivity. Reality says every day will not be my best, but I know that every day is not the same. Each day holds new possibilities. And for now I am ok with being content with the new possibilities and I am willing to embrace them wholeheartedly.

What I learned after being married 1 year, 5 months, 10 days and counting

I wasn't sure how to start this blog off, since I'd be talking about marriage. Guess I'll just say it's a gift from God to be appreciated and acknowledged for what it is. Anita Baker was onto something in her song Fairy Tale, when she says she wasn't told the truth about love and the consquences of it. Love and marriage are anything but easy, however, they can still be some of the best things ever.

The thing I will mention is marriage is not a quick fix to any problem. Loneliness...finding a sense of purpose...power advancement...I have been married for 1 year, 5 months, 10 days nothing compared to my parents 30 years in June. But I have still learned a couple things in my time being married. Marriage is not a fairy tale and it does not fix anything, and if a relationship is broke all marriage leave it broken. Marriage without careful consideration does nothing but create a catastrophe out of a disaster. Here are the basics I've learned:

- Two people living together under one roof will usually have some sort of disagreements...it's not the end of the world. Learn to work though them. Separation/Divorce is only an option if you make it one.

- Always talk to your spouse, if you can't be totally honest (vulnerable) with them. Who can you be honest with then? Build up your communication.

- Just because someone is married doesn't mean their life is perfect. Marriage is not the recipe for a perfect life. As a matter of fact I think it's just the opposite.

- Marriage is full of lessons if you are willing to learn: humility, service, sacrifice, unconditional love, patience, long-suffering, honesty, truth, healing, selflessness (that's a hard one), and the list only continues

-vMarriage can teach you a thing or two about yourself...

- Marriage does not remove the need for friends nor does it replace my friends. Just because I have a husband doesn't mean I don't need friends. This one always gets me...*sigh* I still need friends.

- Your wish should be for marriage to come when your really ready and not just when you think you're ready. If your not ready it makes the lessons above harder to learn.

- Sacrifice in marriage is not avoidable if you truly want a lasting relationship.

- Regardless what anyone tells you marriage is rarely 50/50 sometimes it's 70/30, 90/10, 110/0, 40/60. The important thing to remember is it's about give and take and most importantly sacrifice.

- In the end marriage is about happy contentment, it's ultimately about being with someone you can't stand to be without. :)

Today was a good

Today for reason I feel good and instead of question the reason why I am choosing to embrace it. Today is the first day in a long time that I have truly felt happy to be in the skin in I'm in. Today I talked to friends I haven't talked to in a while. I received a financially blessing. Today was a blessing and I am thankful.

A special thanks to all who helped me reach this point. Loving contently... :)

True Friendship: Branching Out only to be caught in the middle

***This is a rough draft of my thoughts***

So recently I have come to the conclusion that I will eventually have to make new friends and acquaintances. This is not such a bad thing, and hopefully some day soon I will truly embrace it. Right now it's just a nuisance like listening to a coworker useless banter about their weekend festivities. Making new friends to me is just one of life's little annoyances that can eventually work in your favor, and hopefully this time it will come to me without the drama.

If I could sum up how I feel now about life, love and relationships....I would pin it as seasonally refreshed. Mature enough to realize change comes and adult enough to know I must accept that change. And real enough to know things aren't always what they seem. Though lately I feel like I've been caught middle of things that are not what they seem. This is important to note because I've been trying to branch out. But being caught in the middle of fantasy and reality is a tricky place. Figuring out where to draw the line is probably the hardest thing to do.

When is too much enough? How much is too much? How much is too little? When is a little not enough? When is enough not enough? I think I have most about being caught in the middle is walking on eggshells. Pretending to be slightly unaware of my surroundings...being caught in the middle creates tension. Tension creates the opposite of comfortable leaving me very uncomfortable.

I hate being caught in the middle, not knowing the right thing to say or do. Feeling lost throughout the entire situation. Not being able to intelligently weigh in on the situation. Not carrying enough stakes in the situation to make a difference, but not able to stay out of it because of the stakes I hold.

Until next time...embracing it all in love, life and contentment...

THOUGHTS

Silence…
Alone with my thoughts
Back and forth they go,
Fighting for a bit of attention
And finally they stop
….On you
Your smile, your style
You’re just being…you.
Always thought you were
The one for me
Always thought we would be
But…
Interrupted by another thought
Remember the time you…
Or do you remember…
Caught off guard again
By the thoughts of…me and you
Together…Apart…
Wait…here comes another on
Thoughts haunt me…in the silence
They torture me, repeatedly
As I close my eyes the thoughts
Become subdued…once again
It is silent…
And here I am alone with my thoughts

Wrote this a while back...just thought I'd share.

No light at the end of the tunnel...

I write because it's therapeutic...I feel free and uninhibited. Free to say and just be me. So the first thing I will say today in my freedom of speech is...I am not an island. No man is an island...a lesson I am slowing learning and will hopefully some day soon start to accept. To know me is to know I can talk...and talk...and talk...and I ask tons of questions. Lately, I've been the polar opposite because I am nervous to reveal how I'm really feeling. I guess it's hard for me to accept my true feelings, so I feel like others definitely won't understand either.

But the truth is I've been struggling...with what? I'm not exactly sure, most of my feelings are not concrete nor do they have much rhythm or rhyme. Which further complicates things...but they creating a strong hold on me that is taking me to the point of no return. My views on things are changing and causing a shift in my attitude. An attitude at times I am not proud of. I feel quite lost and at times quite alone. And that dear friends is the truth as I know it.

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and most days I feel like I am drowning, but this is the time when my faith must shine through...And I should know that God has been and will be a very present help in trouble. My despair comes from the fact that I see no way out from this situation, but knowing that I am not the one steering the ship is comforting in times like these. Days like these contentment seem so far away, but I will not stop searching.

Today

It's slightly ironic that my blog is titled comfortable in the skin you in, when I've been feeling slightly outside of myself. Recent events and realizations have caused my to face some harsh realities that, to tell you the truth I don't want to face. This truth has caused some real insight. So I've decided to make some changes. Or at least try.

I've decided to do one thing that makes me happy everyday, right now it's writing to get everything off my chest. Also thinking about hitting up the library or reading one of my favorite old books. Next, I'm going to try my hardest with God's help to fight off the feelings of depression that tend to creep up on me at times. Finally, I'm going to try to embrace life. I've realized recently all I've done is rejected it. Pouting about what I don't have and what I want. I do want more, but I know that comes with time.

These last past days maybe what I have learned is that growing up comes with benefits and sacrifice. Sometimes you sacrifice something to get something better. Yes, the grass may be green on the other side, but it's just as green on this side. My contentment rests solely on my will and desire to be content in what I have...and maybe for now that is what I needed to learn.

Living in Fear

I am afraid of thunderstorms and most storms in general. Don't know where this fear came from or how to get rid of it. When I was child I can vividly remember sleeping in my parents closet every time one came. As I went off to college they joked about what I would do when storms came there. To my surprise it was much easier to deal with in college especially when living in the dorm. Mainly because of the facade I put up to mask my true feelings in front of those who I felt wouldn't understand. Once I moved out of the dorm into my own place, my fear once again returned, reminding me that masking fears don't get rid of them.

I have so many new fears as an adult. So many grown up fears. I have a fear of the future and what it holds. Where will I be in 20, 10 , 5 years, heck where will I be in 6 months? The uncertainly of the future at times causes me extreme fear and anxiety. This fear is only surpassed by my fear of mediocrity. Which should make me want to push harder every day, but my my lack of motivation hinders me from doing that because of the fear that I might be rushing into something.

I have a fear that I will never have friends who are close, who I can depend on again. Which causes me to fear that I have this empty feeling for a while. My constant fear is having to hold all this stuff in, not being to talk it out. There's so much I want to say, but I fear it just won't come out right. My fear is trying to deal with such a wealth of emotion and handle it all by myself.

I have a fear of regret. I have a fear that my emotions will overrule my reason and cause me to become someone I am scared of becoming.

My ultimate fear is being too sacred to act. Why? Because this is not the life I envisioned for myself. Don't take this the wrong way, I am well aware of what I have and thankful for it, but a times I want so much more. At times I think my problem is wanting too much or what I can't have causing a somewhat slightly paralyzing fear...now my fear of thunderstorms seems almost insufficient. The even scary thing is that is I am unsure of what it is exactly that I want more of. Something just feels incomplete...and searching for it only makes me crazier. Perhaps more adventure? More challenge? More engagement? More stimulation?

Honestly, I feel better already acknowledging that I have fears, I am not perfect and I am choosing not to mask that. That I don't have it altogether. I know I raised some deep issues, but I have no solutions. All I can say is that the reality is that we're not human without fear. My fear of thunderstorms and life in general will more than likely continue, but I have decided not to let them run me out of my bed (at least not most times) or away from living. Until then I can only reach for my contentment beyond my fears.

My blog was inspired by Jazmine Sullivan's song Fear - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6Cfn9ZtpAw

Nothing much...

So I decided that I would try to write on my blog everyday...so far so good...missed yesterday though, but no harm going to make it up.

Right now I don't have much on mind...trying to really let my mind rest. It's truly been in over drive the last few days. I can only hope that this week gets better.

Friends...how many of us have them....Friends the ones you can depend on...Friends...

To my ‘Friends’:

Over the years when writing this blog I've done quite a few posts on friends…my friends. Some of you might have read these posts and come to the conclusion that I enjoy and cherish my friends and I do. I enjoyed the time we spent together and the things we shared. I have so many memories that I have shared and could share. Recently I shifted my ideology on friendships…I used to think that I would be friends with certain friends forever…unfortunately that’s not the case. Friends just like most things have times and seasons…and that is what this is about the end of the season…

I pride myself in the fact that everyday I grow more…I learn more…I conquer more. I hope this continues because it helps me discover more about myself daily. The recognition of my growth has caused my friendship with some to wane, and now leaves me torn because it comes with tough realities. Realities that things only change more are you continue to advance and grow…

I think it’s funny the way life changes and leaves you to figure out how to adapt to things it throws at you. Growth can sometimes seem like an unfair and slightly annoying part of life, but my belief is that’s mostly because it's not always apparent when it first happens. For instance, last year on my 24th birthday I was told that I changed and instead of embracing it I rejected it. Because in my mind change was negative, but the reality is a lot of times change stimulates growth if you are ready to embrace it. The truth of the matter was I was evolving and growing. I had to accept some truths. I'm not the same person I was in college. I don’t have the same goals and plans. I have responsibilities. I have bills to pay. I have a husband to take care of. My self-enhancing evolution was taking place and finally after a bit of acceptance from myself I have decided to it’s time for me and those around me to acknowledge it and move on.

Realizing what this evolution means has taken some time, but I am slowing coming to grips with the full reality. It means that I will have to make some hard decisions. One of those decisions is choosing my friends. Choosing friends that I am compatible with, who compliment me and fulfill my needs. Sadly I realized that I’ve been carrying some dead weight as friends, and I am ready to free myself.

While I know this evolution is a continually process, it definitely not an easy one. I am going to lose some friends…I already have, but the reality is that I am maturing and so must my friendships. The things that I once tolerated...I don't want to tolerate any more. As hard as this is I know it’s for the everyone’s good cause the reality is that I am probably as bad for you as you are for me.

So to those who I once loved and will always love, my friends. Some of you will continue on this journey with me, but some of you won’t. This has not been and won’t be easy, but it’s what the life requires at this time. Remember our friendship had a reason, but now the season is done. I wish you well and nothing but the best and continued success.

Love, peace, and more than anything sustained contentment…

WARNING: This is meant for specific parties, if you don’t get it then it wasn’t for you :)

Twitter

I was going to write about the evolution of friends, but I can't get my thoughts together, so maybe later.

But I will say this I have met some awesome people on Twitter. They have changed my views on certain things, and for that I am truly thankful.

The amazing thing is I would have never imagined what an impact people I've never met in real life could have on me. I known people for years who have been less intelliently stimulating and engaging.

Love, peace, and contentment...

Adaptation for Happy Contentment

Finally I'm back! I've realized that it's important to write if for nothing else than being a stress reliever. So after much time here it goes...

What can I say, other than life has changed. For the better? For the worse? That is what I am searching to answer...I never imagined I would be married almost over a year by now. Nor that I would be the 1st of my college friends to do so. Trust me it's as crazy to me as it might be to any onlooker. You see a lot of times we create plans and goals for ourselves with no real concept of the future and what it might bring. Yes, they can realistic, but are they practical? Can they change with time? Are you able to adapt accordingly? That's the problems with most people's plans...they lack adaptability.

So what if you're not married by 30? So what if it takes you longer to finish school? Who cares if you have not had children by 35 (other than the annoying onlookers)? These are mostly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things when you think about it. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have goals and plans, but adjust accordingly when things do not turn out that way.

So many times we are ready to jump ahead of life...if I not married by 30, then forget it?! Forget it? Are you serious? Forgot it if the man of your dreams comes by at 34? As perplexing as this is it's a common state many find themselves in. I believe that being able to adapt makes you better able to find contentment which in the grand scheme of things seems to possess more importance.

I am not saying that having dreams, and/or accomplishing goals aren't important because they are. Just not at the expense of sacrificing your happiness to get what you want. I believe contentment is a superior state of being; that allows you to know that you will indeed have to adapt but in that adaptation you will find what makes you happy.

Until next love, peace, happiness and most of all contentment...

Reclaiming Contentment

Seems like every time I think I am content, I find something else to chase. Which leads me to believe that contentment if further than I realized. So what now...really I have no idea. First and foremost, I know I must accept what I am not in order to truly find out who I am...I am not the smartest, thinnest, fattest, fastest, slowest... Next, I have accept who I am to solidify what I currently possess...I am smart, funny, ambitious, a good cook, a great friend...Then, I need to combine the two realizations and create the person I want to be...although not as simple as I put it...it's definitely possible.

Contentment starts with the realization that I have to work with what I have, don't have and what I want.

Contentment is different in certain stages of life. I was very content in college when I started this blog, but it seems like now that has all changed. Everything seems so uncertain...I feel totally blessed with all the things I have, but sometimes I feel guilty because it doesn't feel like enough.

Contentment requires me to be comfortable even if those around me aren't, and to resist the temptation to allow peer pressure to keep me from what I want to do (yes, even adults can succumb to peer pressure). We all get one life and we must live it with the utmost accountability to ourselves and those around us.

Contentment is learning from my mistakes, and regretting missed opportunities, but not dwelling on them. Regret is natural and healthy...regret is a good way to learn about missed opportunities. I regret not savoring moments that defined who I am today, but it makes me more aware of future events that will have the same effect.

Contentment is ultimately being comfortable in my own skin. I am not there...not even close, but I am trying my best, and I am content with that.

Cracking Under the Pressure

I feel like I am cracking under the pressure. With one more week of school and three major projects as a matter of fact make that four major projects due...I am swamped!

And yes I can get crazy, but I am sure I am not the only one. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone..."

It's not easy and yes I can definitely do better, so hopefully that is what I will do.

Nite!

I am whatever I say I am...

Do you think you define me? I laugh at the thought that someone could think that they have that much control over me to define who or what I am. I AM WHATEVER I SAY I AM...

You know I usually HATE rap, but Eminem was on to something in his song. People will constantly try to put you into a mold. They are constantly trying to make you fit who they want you to be, and the funny thing is when you don't fit it's your fault. So be whatever you say you are...

You relinquish God's power and your power of choice when you allow those around you to define who you are or who you will become. You are whatever you say you are...no one should be able to convince you different. If one comment can destroy what you had going for you then must have not been worth much in the first place.

I will be the first to say people have said things to me that have made me uncomfortable, and made me want to look back, but in the end I decided that I have to live with the end result. So it will be my way because I AM WHATEVER I SAY I AM!

Progress...

So yesterday I turned 24!!! The day was below average, but it seemed a turning point in my life.

I realized today I am tired for apologizing for who and what I am. I know there are still a ton of things that I have to learn and I am definitely not ignorant to that. However, there are things that I am SURE of, and those things I will speak on freely. I KNOW that true friendships stand the test of time. No matter what comes...graduation...marriage...kids...life in general. They adapt because they choose to be part those moments, and those that don't choose that then that is what it is..their choice.

This is the beginning of my adult life and I choose to start it off right. I am going to try to make the best decisions possible with what I have. I am going to try to respect everyone the same, and I am going to try to be more of who I want to be. This is my choice and my choice alone. Those who can not handle can exit the stage...NOW. I love those who had taken the journey with me and those who will join later, and for those who choose to leave...it was fun while it lasted and I have no hard feelings...I understand. When it comes down to it we must all do what is best for us, and that is all anyone can ask.

So choose ye this day... jump on the bangwagon or stay off on the sidelines. It's your choice.

Been a long time....

It's been so long since I have written on this thing. It's crazy!! I was just looking through some facebook photos of college dinners and fun outings (little down time at work). As I browsed through them I kept thinking where has the time gone?

Since the last time I wrote on this I have gotten a job, started my Masters program, gotten engaged and married (to the last person on earth I ever thought I get married too) ....CRAZY!!! Time is flying! The other day while walking to my car I couldn't help but think how can I slow time down? If only it was that easy. I could just stop, but what good would that do? Time would still keep going (then life would definitely pass me by).

So, what have I realized the best thing is to make the best out of every moment. I mean live. Do what you really want to do in life. Take that trip. Sleep that extra few minutes. Let it go. Structure is important, but not at the expense of just making through the day. This is more than a life is just too short speech...it's more of a don't life pass you by, grab life by the horns, enjoy life until you can't stand it speech.

The reality is time is on no one's side, so the best thing to do is to make it work for you.

Resisting the urge to cry...again

Right now I am truly resisting the urge to cry...again. Yes I have already done that once this week, twice would be just asking for trouble. The thing is right now I feel so useless. I feel very dependent upon people. I feel almost handicapped (which would give me a good reason to be dependent upon them in the first place). I am use to doing everything by myself yet lately it seems like I can not do anything by myself. I am used to be the helper and the helpee. This has truly been an humbling experience. I feel so helpless... I guess this is God's way of trying to get my attention. I know he wants me to surrender to Him. So, why is this so hard? He has never failed me so I guess I show look at His track record and fear no more. I know He's got to be up to something because clearly I'm down to nothing. So for now I successfully resisted...but what next?

Reality Check

This week (from Sunday to Tuesday) I have witnessed several people who need a reality check. Not your typical reality check. The reality check that "you're not the only person in the world, whose opinions matter or who has the last say in what goes on."
The reality is that they are surrounded by people who have the same ability to do exactly what they do and perhaps at times can do it better. Of course, I know the saying if you want stuff done than do it yourself but there is a time a place. These fundmentals lessons learned at the earliest stages of life are the foundation of how relationships are bulit and maintained. If you ask me I will tell you, "everything you learned in kindergarten is essential for marriage and relationships."
You see the fact of the matter is until you truly realize and accept the fact that you are not alone you will never be able to learn to let others help you. So they do it a different way...it's done, right? So they think or act ( or even re-act) differently...so do you. This world is full of people, other than you, who have learned to work together instead of create confusion in an already confused world.

What can I give?

So I haven't written in forever, why? I guess you could say that I've been busy. No really I have. I usually write when there's something heavy on my heart (and I believe this is as good a time as any). Recently I have just been feeling kind anxious about the future (among other things). Don't get me wrong there not life threatening things but... the one person I really care to share it with doesn't seem to have the time to talk to me about it. Just now sitting here writing about makes me feel a lot better. I'm trying not to be selfish (I've realized it's something I have to work on) but...I guess there is no excuse. Anyway been using some time to really think some things through. I realized what is truly important to me...caring for and helping the peopel I truly love and cherish. I know it sounds cheesy but it makes a difference.
I want vow this day to never put work or anything else before the people I love. There are times when people just want you there to listen to them, you don't have to solve their problems. They just want your attention. No one wants to be second rate your work, extracurricular activity, date, etc. People you love who want your attention usually deserve you attention (your undivided attention and perhaps at times some understanding). And your should be more than willing to abilige them, afterall what are they the most important people in your life?
Like I said I'm working on being selfish. I want to give double of what I take. Those around me, give me so much. Of course I will never be able to pay them for everything there worth but I can try with my time. These are the people I find security in, the ones I can try count on. So shouldn't they be able to find the same thing in me?
I listened to a friend the other day and even though I felt like I was as much help as the pillow sitting beside me on my bed, I was happy she felt she could confide in me. Her friendship means a lot to me and the least (very least) I could do is listen.
Ok so now that I have gotten that off my chest, I guess I'll leave you with this thought: Want to be the perfect [friend, parent, girlfriend, boyfriend, next door neighbor, uncle, aunt, cousin]? Listen, give your time, its the one thing that doesn't cost but will reap endless rewards. You'll be surprised at the difference it will make, in your life and theirs'.

I'm finished!

I finally finished with my internship. I finished last Friday and it was kind of sad leaving. I mean I wanted to get home but I also enjoyed most of the people I had the opportunity to work with. This summer was crazy...the people...the places...the people...the scenery...did I mention the people? It was truly an experience...not good or bad. It was just that...an experience. An experience that taught me a number of things that I was always remember. I also learned some important life lessons.

Life Lesson #1:
The bare essentials will never let you down

Life Lesson #2:
Where there's a will there's a way

Life Lesson #3:
If attitude determines alitude and action speaks louder than words...then I am headed for the moon and I'm making moves and strides all the way there

Life Lesson #4:
Good things come to those who wait...patiently and prayfully

And so many more. What can I say about this summer? "All [good or bad] things must come to an end."

The Love of My Life

(I took this picture of him)

This is the love of my life. My whole world has revolved around him since the day that I met

him. He is the greatest thing that has happen to me. I have waited with bated breathe

for him to feel the same way I feel about him. Every morning he is the first thing on my mind

and the last thing when I go to bed. My dreams center around him. He is the

protype. Sometimes I ask myself, "Where would I be without him? or "How did I make it

without him in my life?" I owe all my inspiration to him. Whenever he is not near me I feel as

though I am not complete. Every story, song, or poem reminds me of him. I would for cross the

ocean for him. I would go and bring him the moon. I just want to thank him in advance!

*This is not a joke

"Awkward" times

So for the first time in my life I am discovering the unknown. I am truly ready and willing to through caution to the wind and put everything "comfortable" out on the line. Fearful of exactly what might happen I wasn't giving my all... but today I realized after what seemed like eternity is timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.

I thought once I got what I had prayed for things would just fall into place. And that plan quickly was proved false. It's the "awkward" moments in life that make you cherish the initial moments, that were truly well spent. You have to work at it "like a crack addict" (thanks Bow Wow) the harder you work the greater the rewards.

It dawned on me nothing beats a failure but a try.... Trite saying but it makes sense. If you try one way try it another way then another way (and another). I am truly starting to believe life is what you make of it. You are the greatest decider of your fate.

"Make wise choices and decisions" -Jynean Palmer Reid

The reality of what is...

...the ring is off... :)