More than a Friend...

I am usually open to people and making new friends since my options are starting to dwindle. However, recent events have caused me to doubt my openness and trust of those who call themselves my friends. Maybe I should first express and explain what I want from a friend. I ask that my friends be loyal...loyalty is important for several obvious reasons. I want my friends to be honest with me and I want to feel like I can be honest with my friends. If at any point I feel unable to fully express myself to you, we are not that cool *shrug*, that's real. I've spent too much time sugar-coating information cause people are afraid of the truth...PEOPLE it only sets you free!!

I need a friend who is always a friend. I'm through dealing with convenient friendships, friends only when it is convenient for them. I need support from my friends, even when I am going through it I want to try to be there for my friends, and I want and expect the same out of them. A link is much stronger if helps support the weight of the other links in the chain. At times I know I can be ME sometimes (selfish, sarcastic, unmoving, headstrong), but I need a friend who can tell me that and not hold it against me.

I need a friend who is ambitious and determined...if we are still taking about the same dreams you had 5 years ago and you are in the same place you were 5 years ago...our friendship has little life left in it. I can not stand to dwell on the should of's, could of's, would of's of life...make it happen...don't speak about it, BE about it! Life is what you make it, it can throw some curve balls but equip yourself and move on. I need a friend who is adaptable and flexible. Life and times change, so do people...can you stand the rain? I need a friend who rejoices in my successes cause you can BET your last dollar I'm going to rejoice in yours. I need you to be the friend you would ultimately want me to be.

Ok, so now that that's out the way I can get on to the point of my blog (I know...shame). Recently I have been on a city (online) search for 'friends.' Thought I found some only to realize that not only are people not always what they seem. As Lauren say in Forgive Them Father 'beware of the false motives of other/be careful of those who pretend to be brothers/and you never suppose it's those who are closest to you/they say all the right things to gain their position/then use your kindness as their ammunition...Although you don't know who you are I forgive you and I am content in that.

Endurance

I'm so tired right now...I drove back from Nashville in the rain and lightening (for those who really know me, you know my terrible fear of storms...I clutched the steering wheel with my death grip the whole way back to Huntsville and prayed continuously). Anyway I got home and it only stormed more (the best thing besides making it back to Huntsville safely was the fact that it did not thunder until I got home). I never get rest when it storms, so I was restless most of the night. Thirty minutes before my alarm was to go off, my mom called and informed me of my grandmother's passing. It's been something that we've been knowing and trying to accept might happen for weeks. I am good now, just stuck in the here and now...knowing Thursday and Friday will be extremely hard. Not sure how I will cope, but guess we'll see over time. This is one of the closet people to me that has died, other than my uncle, she was like my 2nd mother. Even as I type this it's hard not to tear up, but I'll make it through.

I spent every major holiday at my grandparents (now I can only spend a few cause I have to alternate with my husband's family) and every summer until almost 16 with them. I even lived with my aunt, who lives minutes from my grandparents, while my mother finished dental school and took her boards. I absolutely LOVED being at my grandparents. I guess I never considered the impact my grandmother had on me until I realized I would have to say 'see you later' one day. Well that day has come and oddly it's different than what I imagined. My emotions now are subdued simply because I try not to dwell on it, hopefully making it easier to accept. I don't regret not spending more time with her cause the time we spent together was truly treasured.

I don't think out loud I ever told my grandmother I loved her, but I hope she knew. The more I think about it maybe I should have. I appreciated the care and nurturing that I was able to receive from her. I am of course indebted to her raising my mother (and aunts/uncles), who at times drives me nuts, but who I love dearly. It's weird how death makes you appreciate life and those around you so much more (trite but true). I finish this by remembering 'the race is not given to the swift, but to the one that endure.' I'm enduring and hopefully will one day be able to see my grandmother again in the life to come...until then I contently wait.

More, more, more.

I'm slowly realizing that I need more than I think...and even when I finally think I had all I can take I need more....more...more....

I need so much more, more than at times than I feel like I can ask for. I need more of it all. More of what...everything and anything that is needed...love, compassion, feeling, happiness, joy, peace, longsuffering, contentment, satisfaction, purpose and the list goes on.

Now I realize that I need more, what to do? My initial reaction is to brush it off, but then that's when I realize I really need more. Brushing it off just makes me want more. So I'm on the pursuit of finding more. Even when I feel like I've been all used up, I realize I still need more. Although at times it'll seem like I'm all filled up, I'll still need more...contentmently searching for more... :)

Control

So today I am going to write uninhabited and free...so I might be all over the place, but try to follow me the best you can.

Today has been a day of reflection...a time to evaluate. And this is just an eighth of what has been flowing through my mind...

This month and last month have been an interesting roller coaster of emotions. I've felt confused, sad, empowered, motivated, unmotivated, and a range of other emotions. The strange thing is that nothing constant not even for a minute. My mood, my desires seem to be constantly changing. I can only guess and hope that these changes are assisting in my growth as I wrote about earlier.

I must admit though these changes are scary. I'm not sure why maybe it's the uncertainty of it all or maybe it's the feeling of not being in control of anything. Whatever the case...it's downright uncomfortable. Not bring able to 'shake' this feeling has an certain uneasiness about it.

And to top all my other feelings off I've recently been full of regret. Wishing I had taken advantage of different opportunities even though I'm not sure if these opportunities would have even presented themselves. Basically what it comes down to is wanting what I can't have and not appreciating what I do have.

And frankly trying to control things only makes things harder than it should be at times. The ultimate thing is unfortunately I can't control others, but I can control what I do and how I react. The problem is usually it's not always about me. However, it is something that I must move past. So my goal is to control what is within my reach.

Always seeking contentment...

Understanding

Timeless lessons...nothing is ever really what it seems and you know nothing until you walk in that person's shoes...these are lessons learned in Life 101, but many of us disregard them. However, I am starting to believe it is these lessons that will help us on our life journey the most.

To say I'm been dealing with some issues is an understatement, and honestly I have been letting that effect my interactions with others. In a sense I've disregarded others situations to 'highlight' my own. The reality is I can still help others even while I'm 'going through it.' My issues don't or shouldn't hinder my ability to care. I need to realize that I am not the only person in the world with problems. More times than not, there are people who are having or have had the same issues I am going through and leaning on them might be the boost that I need.

I was feeling a certain way the other day and after talking to someone I realized I had slightly misjudged them. I felt like they had offended me, but like me they were dealing with some issues. I said all this to say if you don't know...don't assume, at times you might be pleasantly surprised if you take the time to inquire and even care about what the other person is going through. Though trite, it's true consider the shoe being on the other foot.

It amazing how passing issues can make you forget what it truly important...contentment relies on your ability to truly embrace the differences that others bring to the table. Looking outside of yourself might be what you need to help you embrace and deal with your issues. As I previously noted no man is an island, taking that to heart and respecting the 'other' perspective can help open up a world of understanding.

Learning Painfully through Change and Growth

I've never seen a caterpillar turn into a butterfly, but just looking at the extreme changes that emerge is quite amazing. I mean imagine one day crawling on your belly and the next day (or weeks) flying. What an extreme and amazing feat.The feeling of spouting wings to me is only a concept, but it something I can only imagine is much harder than it looks.

Like a butterfly every living thing goes through some change or growth in life. Change and growth are a necessary part of life. It's the natural progression of the human journey. I understand that and accept it wholeheartedly. But I must admit the one thing I didn't realize is how painful change and growth can truly be.

The pain that comes with change and growth helps the lessons you are learning to stick. It helps embed them in your mind to create a lasting and, hopefully, fool-proof plan of meaningful change and growth.

I've had to learn some hard lessons recently and the pain of going through them has been quite unbearable at times. But something I just realized is that with that pain comes a new understanding. I've reached new points in life that I would have never obtained without the hard lessons.

Sometimes I feel like I'm growing at the expense of my sanity. It's like I'm progressing while standing still...I know it's sounds crazy but I believe when this period of my growth comes full circle, I'll be moving leaps and bounds.

So, at this point I'm rejoicing through the pain...I'm smiling through the tears because I know it'll get better. Finding contentment is not easy, but it is most definitely possible. Change and growth can be painful, but it's the risk I'm willing to take to achieve the reward. So until next time embrace growth and change for within them lay your contentment. ;)

Friendliness = Friends

'A man that hath friend must show himself friendly...' Proverbs 18:24...my mom's favorite quote once we moved from Chicago to Atlanta and I complained about having no friends. The saying still rings clear in my head as I have gone through life and made several adjustments in my friendships.

I've gone through a couple changes and life adjustments...in 8th grade we moved from Chicago to Atlanta. This was the most devastating thing that could have happened in my 13 year old life (-_- )...Sophomore year in high school I realized being with the 'cool' kids wasn't as 'cool' as I thought it would be...so more changes...Sophomore year in college I realized that I was growing up and putting away childish things were necessary and so that is what I did...I put away childish 'friendships.' Now out of college and married, my quest for truly meaningful friendships that enhance my life is on...

Honestly I feel like I'm just making acquaintances not friends. Do I need to be friendly to make those? Does that mean I am not friendly enough? Should I be friendlier? Ok, so I'm losing focus, but at times that's how I feel...Anyway all this has led me to these 2 questions and has caused much reflection...What kind of friend I am? What kind of friend I have been?

I could write a list of accomplishments and failures that have made me the world's best and/or worst friend. But the truth is that is up to those who consider me a 'friend' to decide and for now I rest with the contentment that being friendly can only gain me friends...

I am Changing

I am changing...seeing clearer. Experiencing growth in a wierd way...watching myself evolve. Trying to make the best of what I have...trying to understand the hand I was dealt. It's a difficult process when there are no clear cut answers, but I am trying. I'm learning certain people don't fit into me destiny...and that's okay. I am accepting that perfection is not attainable, but my best is always acceptable and should be my standard.

Looking at it I can honestly say I need more help than I willing to admit. I'm willing to admit my shortcomings...and for me that's a start.

All-in-all I feel insightfully delighted by the changes that are coming. It feels like growth...and I am truly happy for it.

I'm truly finding contentment...within myself

Rejecting life lessons and blaming God

So...I hate early morning phone calls cause they only mean a few things...This early morning phone call was about my grandma. She was having some issues and went into the hospital last week and hasn't left since. My mother called this morning telling me she was in code blue (needs CPR) and basically her heart had stopped. (Deep breath) they started it again and she's stable. This on top of other problems feels like a weight on my chest. But in retrospect I should be praising God.

My grandmother raised 11 children. Eight of which were hers, 2 adopted and 1 foster child that she had since she was 5 months, who now is 28 and is taking care of her and my grandfather. She also aided in the care of 60 + foster children throughout her lifetime. This prompted the eclectic family that I now have, many of her children have adopted children or been foster parents. The 11 children she raised were mostly raised off my grandfather's salary of a teacher (and he cleaned offices at night with a MBA) and her sporadic cleaning jobs. My aunts and uncles never went hungry always had a roof over their head, and each was given the opportunity to go to college. My grandmother has lived a full life and has the story to prove it.

Reading the top part alone makes me thankful, but to some it might seem unfair that my grandmother is going through this. The reality is God has been really good to her and maybe this is a lesson for those around her.
It a lesson for us to cherish the time we have left with her and remember the good times we had with her.

I, personally, believe dealing with life situations are more about finding the lessons in them. I'm blessed to have always had food, clothing shelter, people who love me, and health (which many of us take for granted). If tomorrow all those things were gone, would I be hurt, mad, upset, scared, and angry. Yes! All human emotions...all completely natural and normal. But the fact of the matter is looking back I have nothing but praises because...
the good has outweighed the bad. Is my attitude sustainable? On good days...but it's something I'm working on.

You get pregnant at 18 because of the choice you made (not God's fault). You have cancer (result of sin, and for the scientists, genetic traits possibly, also not God's fault). You lose a loved one (once again sin, not God's fault). Though these situations can have tragic consequences or repercussions they are not God's fault nor sometimes are they yours. But the fact of the matter is in some of these situations are there to teach us lessons.

Having to raise a baby by yourself is tough, but it choice that was made and a lesson to be learned. Perhaps it's a lesson on love or responsibility. Whatever it is, it's yours to learn and accept. The quicker you accept it, the faster you can start to understand. I can't say that you'll ever fully understand, but your insight will definitely become heightened.

All-in-all my contentment rests in the fact that life and change happens and there's nothing I can do about it but, accept it. Rejecting change and learning lessons the hard way only further complicates things. So as noted in an early post I am trying to embrace life and it's lessons as they come.

If you like this blog post check out this earlier one: http://findingcontentment.blogspot.com/2006/06/lesson-learned-hard-wayis-lesson.html

Pray without Ceasing

Prayer changes things...I am convinced.

And until someone gives me a better solution to life's impossible challenges...I am sticking with what I know.

Continued prayers and contentment...#thatisall

Realism with Positivity Possibilities

I realized again, for the 250th time, that I can be negative or I can embrace reality with a positive attitude and receive more than I could doing the opposite. Life has enough drawbacks without me adding my pessimistic, unadaptable attitude into the mix. Of course all is not perfect and neither am I, and this new found attitude may change and falter every now and then. The most important thing is that I am truly trying to take a panoramic view of life. Why? Because all thought trite it's true life is too short for just any ole' attitude.

This month may have not been the best, but prayerfully there's always next month. And if all else fails there was that good year two years ago. The thing is I am not on my back yet and so I have not failed yet. Too many times I have failed before I tried by starting off with the wrong attitude. This year has not gotten off to the best start, but all is not lost. I will just have to work harder to make sure that I make up for lost time.

Being realistic doesn't have to remove my positivity. Reality says every day will not be my best, but I know that every day is not the same. Each day holds new possibilities. And for now I am ok with being content with the new possibilities and I am willing to embrace them wholeheartedly.

What I learned after being married 1 year, 5 months, 10 days and counting

I wasn't sure how to start this blog off, since I'd be talking about marriage. Guess I'll just say it's a gift from God to be appreciated and acknowledged for what it is. Anita Baker was onto something in her song Fairy Tale, when she says she wasn't told the truth about love and the consquences of it. Love and marriage are anything but easy, however, they can still be some of the best things ever.

The thing I will mention is marriage is not a quick fix to any problem. Loneliness...finding a sense of purpose...power advancement...I have been married for 1 year, 5 months, 10 days nothing compared to my parents 30 years in June. But I have still learned a couple things in my time being married. Marriage is not a fairy tale and it does not fix anything, and if a relationship is broke all marriage leave it broken. Marriage without careful consideration does nothing but create a catastrophe out of a disaster. Here are the basics I've learned:

- Two people living together under one roof will usually have some sort of disagreements...it's not the end of the world. Learn to work though them. Separation/Divorce is only an option if you make it one.

- Always talk to your spouse, if you can't be totally honest (vulnerable) with them. Who can you be honest with then? Build up your communication.

- Just because someone is married doesn't mean their life is perfect. Marriage is not the recipe for a perfect life. As a matter of fact I think it's just the opposite.

- Marriage is full of lessons if you are willing to learn: humility, service, sacrifice, unconditional love, patience, long-suffering, honesty, truth, healing, selflessness (that's a hard one), and the list only continues

-vMarriage can teach you a thing or two about yourself...

- Marriage does not remove the need for friends nor does it replace my friends. Just because I have a husband doesn't mean I don't need friends. This one always gets me...*sigh* I still need friends.

- Your wish should be for marriage to come when your really ready and not just when you think you're ready. If your not ready it makes the lessons above harder to learn.

- Sacrifice in marriage is not avoidable if you truly want a lasting relationship.

- Regardless what anyone tells you marriage is rarely 50/50 sometimes it's 70/30, 90/10, 110/0, 40/60. The important thing to remember is it's about give and take and most importantly sacrifice.

- In the end marriage is about happy contentment, it's ultimately about being with someone you can't stand to be without. :)

Today was a good

Today for reason I feel good and instead of question the reason why I am choosing to embrace it. Today is the first day in a long time that I have truly felt happy to be in the skin in I'm in. Today I talked to friends I haven't talked to in a while. I received a financially blessing. Today was a blessing and I am thankful.

A special thanks to all who helped me reach this point. Loving contently... :)

True Friendship: Branching Out only to be caught in the middle

***This is a rough draft of my thoughts***

So recently I have come to the conclusion that I will eventually have to make new friends and acquaintances. This is not such a bad thing, and hopefully some day soon I will truly embrace it. Right now it's just a nuisance like listening to a coworker useless banter about their weekend festivities. Making new friends to me is just one of life's little annoyances that can eventually work in your favor, and hopefully this time it will come to me without the drama.

If I could sum up how I feel now about life, love and relationships....I would pin it as seasonally refreshed. Mature enough to realize change comes and adult enough to know I must accept that change. And real enough to know things aren't always what they seem. Though lately I feel like I've been caught middle of things that are not what they seem. This is important to note because I've been trying to branch out. But being caught in the middle of fantasy and reality is a tricky place. Figuring out where to draw the line is probably the hardest thing to do.

When is too much enough? How much is too much? How much is too little? When is a little not enough? When is enough not enough? I think I have most about being caught in the middle is walking on eggshells. Pretending to be slightly unaware of my surroundings...being caught in the middle creates tension. Tension creates the opposite of comfortable leaving me very uncomfortable.

I hate being caught in the middle, not knowing the right thing to say or do. Feeling lost throughout the entire situation. Not being able to intelligently weigh in on the situation. Not carrying enough stakes in the situation to make a difference, but not able to stay out of it because of the stakes I hold.

Until next time...embracing it all in love, life and contentment...

THOUGHTS

Silence…
Alone with my thoughts
Back and forth they go,
Fighting for a bit of attention
And finally they stop
….On you
Your smile, your style
You’re just being…you.
Always thought you were
The one for me
Always thought we would be
But…
Interrupted by another thought
Remember the time you…
Or do you remember…
Caught off guard again
By the thoughts of…me and you
Together…Apart…
Wait…here comes another on
Thoughts haunt me…in the silence
They torture me, repeatedly
As I close my eyes the thoughts
Become subdued…once again
It is silent…
And here I am alone with my thoughts

Wrote this a while back...just thought I'd share.

No light at the end of the tunnel...

I write because it's therapeutic...I feel free and uninhibited. Free to say and just be me. So the first thing I will say today in my freedom of speech is...I am not an island. No man is an island...a lesson I am slowing learning and will hopefully some day soon start to accept. To know me is to know I can talk...and talk...and talk...and I ask tons of questions. Lately, I've been the polar opposite because I am nervous to reveal how I'm really feeling. I guess it's hard for me to accept my true feelings, so I feel like others definitely won't understand either.

But the truth is I've been struggling...with what? I'm not exactly sure, most of my feelings are not concrete nor do they have much rhythm or rhyme. Which further complicates things...but they creating a strong hold on me that is taking me to the point of no return. My views on things are changing and causing a shift in my attitude. An attitude at times I am not proud of. I feel quite lost and at times quite alone. And that dear friends is the truth as I know it.

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and most days I feel like I am drowning, but this is the time when my faith must shine through...And I should know that God has been and will be a very present help in trouble. My despair comes from the fact that I see no way out from this situation, but knowing that I am not the one steering the ship is comforting in times like these. Days like these contentment seem so far away, but I will not stop searching.

Today

It's slightly ironic that my blog is titled comfortable in the skin you in, when I've been feeling slightly outside of myself. Recent events and realizations have caused my to face some harsh realities that, to tell you the truth I don't want to face. This truth has caused some real insight. So I've decided to make some changes. Or at least try.

I've decided to do one thing that makes me happy everyday, right now it's writing to get everything off my chest. Also thinking about hitting up the library or reading one of my favorite old books. Next, I'm going to try my hardest with God's help to fight off the feelings of depression that tend to creep up on me at times. Finally, I'm going to try to embrace life. I've realized recently all I've done is rejected it. Pouting about what I don't have and what I want. I do want more, but I know that comes with time.

These last past days maybe what I have learned is that growing up comes with benefits and sacrifice. Sometimes you sacrifice something to get something better. Yes, the grass may be green on the other side, but it's just as green on this side. My contentment rests solely on my will and desire to be content in what I have...and maybe for now that is what I needed to learn.

Living in Fear

I am afraid of thunderstorms and most storms in general. Don't know where this fear came from or how to get rid of it. When I was child I can vividly remember sleeping in my parents closet every time one came. As I went off to college they joked about what I would do when storms came there. To my surprise it was much easier to deal with in college especially when living in the dorm. Mainly because of the facade I put up to mask my true feelings in front of those who I felt wouldn't understand. Once I moved out of the dorm into my own place, my fear once again returned, reminding me that masking fears don't get rid of them.

I have so many new fears as an adult. So many grown up fears. I have a fear of the future and what it holds. Where will I be in 20, 10 , 5 years, heck where will I be in 6 months? The uncertainly of the future at times causes me extreme fear and anxiety. This fear is only surpassed by my fear of mediocrity. Which should make me want to push harder every day, but my my lack of motivation hinders me from doing that because of the fear that I might be rushing into something.

I have a fear that I will never have friends who are close, who I can depend on again. Which causes me to fear that I have this empty feeling for a while. My constant fear is having to hold all this stuff in, not being to talk it out. There's so much I want to say, but I fear it just won't come out right. My fear is trying to deal with such a wealth of emotion and handle it all by myself.

I have a fear of regret. I have a fear that my emotions will overrule my reason and cause me to become someone I am scared of becoming.

My ultimate fear is being too sacred to act. Why? Because this is not the life I envisioned for myself. Don't take this the wrong way, I am well aware of what I have and thankful for it, but a times I want so much more. At times I think my problem is wanting too much or what I can't have causing a somewhat slightly paralyzing fear...now my fear of thunderstorms seems almost insufficient. The even scary thing is that is I am unsure of what it is exactly that I want more of. Something just feels incomplete...and searching for it only makes me crazier. Perhaps more adventure? More challenge? More engagement? More stimulation?

Honestly, I feel better already acknowledging that I have fears, I am not perfect and I am choosing not to mask that. That I don't have it altogether. I know I raised some deep issues, but I have no solutions. All I can say is that the reality is that we're not human without fear. My fear of thunderstorms and life in general will more than likely continue, but I have decided not to let them run me out of my bed (at least not most times) or away from living. Until then I can only reach for my contentment beyond my fears.

My blog was inspired by Jazmine Sullivan's song Fear - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6Cfn9ZtpAw

Nothing much...

So I decided that I would try to write on my blog everyday...so far so good...missed yesterday though, but no harm going to make it up.

Right now I don't have much on mind...trying to really let my mind rest. It's truly been in over drive the last few days. I can only hope that this week gets better.

Friends...how many of us have them....Friends the ones you can depend on...Friends...

To my ‘Friends’:

Over the years when writing this blog I've done quite a few posts on friends…my friends. Some of you might have read these posts and come to the conclusion that I enjoy and cherish my friends and I do. I enjoyed the time we spent together and the things we shared. I have so many memories that I have shared and could share. Recently I shifted my ideology on friendships…I used to think that I would be friends with certain friends forever…unfortunately that’s not the case. Friends just like most things have times and seasons…and that is what this is about the end of the season…

I pride myself in the fact that everyday I grow more…I learn more…I conquer more. I hope this continues because it helps me discover more about myself daily. The recognition of my growth has caused my friendship with some to wane, and now leaves me torn because it comes with tough realities. Realities that things only change more are you continue to advance and grow…

I think it’s funny the way life changes and leaves you to figure out how to adapt to things it throws at you. Growth can sometimes seem like an unfair and slightly annoying part of life, but my belief is that’s mostly because it's not always apparent when it first happens. For instance, last year on my 24th birthday I was told that I changed and instead of embracing it I rejected it. Because in my mind change was negative, but the reality is a lot of times change stimulates growth if you are ready to embrace it. The truth of the matter was I was evolving and growing. I had to accept some truths. I'm not the same person I was in college. I don’t have the same goals and plans. I have responsibilities. I have bills to pay. I have a husband to take care of. My self-enhancing evolution was taking place and finally after a bit of acceptance from myself I have decided to it’s time for me and those around me to acknowledge it and move on.

Realizing what this evolution means has taken some time, but I am slowing coming to grips with the full reality. It means that I will have to make some hard decisions. One of those decisions is choosing my friends. Choosing friends that I am compatible with, who compliment me and fulfill my needs. Sadly I realized that I’ve been carrying some dead weight as friends, and I am ready to free myself.

While I know this evolution is a continually process, it definitely not an easy one. I am going to lose some friends…I already have, but the reality is that I am maturing and so must my friendships. The things that I once tolerated...I don't want to tolerate any more. As hard as this is I know it’s for the everyone’s good cause the reality is that I am probably as bad for you as you are for me.

So to those who I once loved and will always love, my friends. Some of you will continue on this journey with me, but some of you won’t. This has not been and won’t be easy, but it’s what the life requires at this time. Remember our friendship had a reason, but now the season is done. I wish you well and nothing but the best and continued success.

Love, peace, and more than anything sustained contentment…

WARNING: This is meant for specific parties, if you don’t get it then it wasn’t for you :)

Twitter

I was going to write about the evolution of friends, but I can't get my thoughts together, so maybe later.

But I will say this I have met some awesome people on Twitter. They have changed my views on certain things, and for that I am truly thankful.

The amazing thing is I would have never imagined what an impact people I've never met in real life could have on me. I known people for years who have been less intelliently stimulating and engaging.

Love, peace, and contentment...

Adaptation for Happy Contentment

Finally I'm back! I've realized that it's important to write if for nothing else than being a stress reliever. So after much time here it goes...

What can I say, other than life has changed. For the better? For the worse? That is what I am searching to answer...I never imagined I would be married almost over a year by now. Nor that I would be the 1st of my college friends to do so. Trust me it's as crazy to me as it might be to any onlooker. You see a lot of times we create plans and goals for ourselves with no real concept of the future and what it might bring. Yes, they can realistic, but are they practical? Can they change with time? Are you able to adapt accordingly? That's the problems with most people's plans...they lack adaptability.

So what if you're not married by 30? So what if it takes you longer to finish school? Who cares if you have not had children by 35 (other than the annoying onlookers)? These are mostly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things when you think about it. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have goals and plans, but adjust accordingly when things do not turn out that way.

So many times we are ready to jump ahead of life...if I not married by 30, then forget it?! Forget it? Are you serious? Forgot it if the man of your dreams comes by at 34? As perplexing as this is it's a common state many find themselves in. I believe that being able to adapt makes you better able to find contentment which in the grand scheme of things seems to possess more importance.

I am not saying that having dreams, and/or accomplishing goals aren't important because they are. Just not at the expense of sacrificing your happiness to get what you want. I believe contentment is a superior state of being; that allows you to know that you will indeed have to adapt but in that adaptation you will find what makes you happy.

Until next love, peace, happiness and most of all contentment...

Reclaiming Contentment

Seems like every time I think I am content, I find something else to chase. Which leads me to believe that contentment if further than I realized. So what now...really I have no idea. First and foremost, I know I must accept what I am not in order to truly find out who I am...I am not the smartest, thinnest, fattest, fastest, slowest... Next, I have accept who I am to solidify what I currently possess...I am smart, funny, ambitious, a good cook, a great friend...Then, I need to combine the two realizations and create the person I want to be...although not as simple as I put it...it's definitely possible.

Contentment starts with the realization that I have to work with what I have, don't have and what I want.

Contentment is different in certain stages of life. I was very content in college when I started this blog, but it seems like now that has all changed. Everything seems so uncertain...I feel totally blessed with all the things I have, but sometimes I feel guilty because it doesn't feel like enough.

Contentment requires me to be comfortable even if those around me aren't, and to resist the temptation to allow peer pressure to keep me from what I want to do (yes, even adults can succumb to peer pressure). We all get one life and we must live it with the utmost accountability to ourselves and those around us.

Contentment is learning from my mistakes, and regretting missed opportunities, but not dwelling on them. Regret is natural and healthy...regret is a good way to learn about missed opportunities. I regret not savoring moments that defined who I am today, but it makes me more aware of future events that will have the same effect.

Contentment is ultimately being comfortable in my own skin. I am not there...not even close, but I am trying my best, and I am content with that.

Cracking Under the Pressure

I feel like I am cracking under the pressure. With one more week of school and three major projects as a matter of fact make that four major projects due...I am swamped!

And yes I can get crazy, but I am sure I am not the only one. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone..."

It's not easy and yes I can definitely do better, so hopefully that is what I will do.

Nite!

I am whatever I say I am...

Do you think you define me? I laugh at the thought that someone could think that they have that much control over me to define who or what I am. I AM WHATEVER I SAY I AM...

You know I usually HATE rap, but Eminem was on to something in his song. People will constantly try to put you into a mold. They are constantly trying to make you fit who they want you to be, and the funny thing is when you don't fit it's your fault. So be whatever you say you are...

You relinquish God's power and your power of choice when you allow those around you to define who you are or who you will become. You are whatever you say you are...no one should be able to convince you different. If one comment can destroy what you had going for you then must have not been worth much in the first place.

I will be the first to say people have said things to me that have made me uncomfortable, and made me want to look back, but in the end I decided that I have to live with the end result. So it will be my way because I AM WHATEVER I SAY I AM!

Progress...

So yesterday I turned 24!!! The day was below average, but it seemed a turning point in my life.

I realized today I am tired for apologizing for who and what I am. I know there are still a ton of things that I have to learn and I am definitely not ignorant to that. However, there are things that I am SURE of, and those things I will speak on freely. I KNOW that true friendships stand the test of time. No matter what comes...graduation...marriage...kids...life in general. They adapt because they choose to be part those moments, and those that don't choose that then that is what it is..their choice.

This is the beginning of my adult life and I choose to start it off right. I am going to try to make the best decisions possible with what I have. I am going to try to respect everyone the same, and I am going to try to be more of who I want to be. This is my choice and my choice alone. Those who can not handle can exit the stage...NOW. I love those who had taken the journey with me and those who will join later, and for those who choose to leave...it was fun while it lasted and I have no hard feelings...I understand. When it comes down to it we must all do what is best for us, and that is all anyone can ask.

So choose ye this day... jump on the bangwagon or stay off on the sidelines. It's your choice.

Been a long time....

It's been so long since I have written on this thing. It's crazy!! I was just looking through some facebook photos of college dinners and fun outings (little down time at work). As I browsed through them I kept thinking where has the time gone?

Since the last time I wrote on this I have gotten a job, started my Masters program, gotten engaged and married (to the last person on earth I ever thought I get married too) ....CRAZY!!! Time is flying! The other day while walking to my car I couldn't help but think how can I slow time down? If only it was that easy. I could just stop, but what good would that do? Time would still keep going (then life would definitely pass me by).

So, what have I realized the best thing is to make the best out of every moment. I mean live. Do what you really want to do in life. Take that trip. Sleep that extra few minutes. Let it go. Structure is important, but not at the expense of just making through the day. This is more than a life is just too short speech...it's more of a don't life pass you by, grab life by the horns, enjoy life until you can't stand it speech.

The reality is time is on no one's side, so the best thing to do is to make it work for you.

Resisting the urge to cry...again

Right now I am truly resisting the urge to cry...again. Yes I have already done that once this week, twice would be just asking for trouble. The thing is right now I feel so useless. I feel very dependent upon people. I feel almost handicapped (which would give me a good reason to be dependent upon them in the first place). I am use to doing everything by myself yet lately it seems like I can not do anything by myself. I am used to be the helper and the helpee. This has truly been an humbling experience. I feel so helpless... I guess this is God's way of trying to get my attention. I know he wants me to surrender to Him. So, why is this so hard? He has never failed me so I guess I show look at His track record and fear no more. I know He's got to be up to something because clearly I'm down to nothing. So for now I successfully resisted...but what next?

Reality Check

This week (from Sunday to Tuesday) I have witnessed several people who need a reality check. Not your typical reality check. The reality check that "you're not the only person in the world, whose opinions matter or who has the last say in what goes on."
The reality is that they are surrounded by people who have the same ability to do exactly what they do and perhaps at times can do it better. Of course, I know the saying if you want stuff done than do it yourself but there is a time a place. These fundmentals lessons learned at the earliest stages of life are the foundation of how relationships are bulit and maintained. If you ask me I will tell you, "everything you learned in kindergarten is essential for marriage and relationships."
You see the fact of the matter is until you truly realize and accept the fact that you are not alone you will never be able to learn to let others help you. So they do it a different way...it's done, right? So they think or act ( or even re-act) differently...so do you. This world is full of people, other than you, who have learned to work together instead of create confusion in an already confused world.

What can I give?

So I haven't written in forever, why? I guess you could say that I've been busy. No really I have. I usually write when there's something heavy on my heart (and I believe this is as good a time as any). Recently I have just been feeling kind anxious about the future (among other things). Don't get me wrong there not life threatening things but... the one person I really care to share it with doesn't seem to have the time to talk to me about it. Just now sitting here writing about makes me feel a lot better. I'm trying not to be selfish (I've realized it's something I have to work on) but...I guess there is no excuse. Anyway been using some time to really think some things through. I realized what is truly important to me...caring for and helping the peopel I truly love and cherish. I know it sounds cheesy but it makes a difference.
I want vow this day to never put work or anything else before the people I love. There are times when people just want you there to listen to them, you don't have to solve their problems. They just want your attention. No one wants to be second rate your work, extracurricular activity, date, etc. People you love who want your attention usually deserve you attention (your undivided attention and perhaps at times some understanding). And your should be more than willing to abilige them, afterall what are they the most important people in your life?
Like I said I'm working on being selfish. I want to give double of what I take. Those around me, give me so much. Of course I will never be able to pay them for everything there worth but I can try with my time. These are the people I find security in, the ones I can try count on. So shouldn't they be able to find the same thing in me?
I listened to a friend the other day and even though I felt like I was as much help as the pillow sitting beside me on my bed, I was happy she felt she could confide in me. Her friendship means a lot to me and the least (very least) I could do is listen.
Ok so now that I have gotten that off my chest, I guess I'll leave you with this thought: Want to be the perfect [friend, parent, girlfriend, boyfriend, next door neighbor, uncle, aunt, cousin]? Listen, give your time, its the one thing that doesn't cost but will reap endless rewards. You'll be surprised at the difference it will make, in your life and theirs'.

I'm finished!

I finally finished with my internship. I finished last Friday and it was kind of sad leaving. I mean I wanted to get home but I also enjoyed most of the people I had the opportunity to work with. This summer was crazy...the people...the places...the people...the scenery...did I mention the people? It was truly an experience...not good or bad. It was just that...an experience. An experience that taught me a number of things that I was always remember. I also learned some important life lessons.

Life Lesson #1:
The bare essentials will never let you down

Life Lesson #2:
Where there's a will there's a way

Life Lesson #3:
If attitude determines alitude and action speaks louder than words...then I am headed for the moon and I'm making moves and strides all the way there

Life Lesson #4:
Good things come to those who wait...patiently and prayfully

And so many more. What can I say about this summer? "All [good or bad] things must come to an end."

The Love of My Life

(I took this picture of him)

This is the love of my life. My whole world has revolved around him since the day that I met

him. He is the greatest thing that has happen to me. I have waited with bated breathe

for him to feel the same way I feel about him. Every morning he is the first thing on my mind

and the last thing when I go to bed. My dreams center around him. He is the

protype. Sometimes I ask myself, "Where would I be without him? or "How did I make it

without him in my life?" I owe all my inspiration to him. Whenever he is not near me I feel as

though I am not complete. Every story, song, or poem reminds me of him. I would for cross the

ocean for him. I would go and bring him the moon. I just want to thank him in advance!

*This is not a joke

"Awkward" times

So for the first time in my life I am discovering the unknown. I am truly ready and willing to through caution to the wind and put everything "comfortable" out on the line. Fearful of exactly what might happen I wasn't giving my all... but today I realized after what seemed like eternity is timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.

I thought once I got what I had prayed for things would just fall into place. And that plan quickly was proved false. It's the "awkward" moments in life that make you cherish the initial moments, that were truly well spent. You have to work at it "like a crack addict" (thanks Bow Wow) the harder you work the greater the rewards.

It dawned on me nothing beats a failure but a try.... Trite saying but it makes sense. If you try one way try it another way then another way (and another). I am truly starting to believe life is what you make of it. You are the greatest decider of your fate.

"Make wise choices and decisions" -Jynean Palmer Reid

The reality of what is...

...the ring is off... :)

A lesson learned the hard way...is a lesson learned

Since I have been out here in what I call my "wilderness experience" my mind has started to wonder. I have realized some things that I probably would have not seen if I have been well...comfortable.

You think that you are satisfied with all that you have until you find something else you want. The best things that happen in your life happen when you are not paying attention. The most important thing I can get anything out of the trials and tribulations of life are the lessons. While I was busy living...life has been going on...and I have gotten wiser. Crying doesn't make the problem go away but it sure makes you feel better and releases some tension inside. Silence is golden. And when silence is just not enough you can say always say it with music. If you love someone eventually they will find out (you determine how soon or how late they found out). If you close your eyes and let your mind wonder...you can dream up anything. Pretty soon you will have to follow your own advice. Trying to avoid the inevitable is more trouble then you probably have time for ("to thine own self be...honest"). Forgiveness is key. The Lord gives you ways out...take yours today. If strangers can see it...then there is not much more proof you need. There is always a reason that people are placed in you life...it's at the rarest times you find out why.

What lessons have you learned the hard way?

Lots of Love

I miss you all so much. :'(

But I send lots of love. =)

Black and White...and shades of grey

Everything is not black and white.
They are large areas of grey.
Beware of the grey areas!!!

Unfinished Blogs

So you have an idea expect you don't know how to express exactly what you want to say. Well these are a few blogs that I started and just never finished. I thought I should mash them together make them one big blog of unfinished thoughts. Feel free to finish them yourself.

Passion...
What exactly is it? It’s your obsession. Do you have a passion for...fashion? Could it be fashion or cooking? It’s what makes you smile, it’s what you love. You don't have to be the best at your passion or know the most about it. It might even be something that just recently learned you love. It's important to you. Yous always willing to learn more about it. You don't care what else it keeps you from...you want it.

Right now I have a passion for life. I want to live it to the fullest. I never thought of myself as spontaneous but it seems now I want to do more and more. I want to make sure that I have not...

Self Renewal
Every year I pick a theme for that particular year. Well this year the theme is renewal. When I first thought of the word I wasn’t exactly sure why I picked it but now I think I know why. Self renewal is important… I feel like there is no time like the present to renew yourself. How? By looking on the inside. So many times we are quick to blame others for our shortcomings. I have learned that if I don’t define who I am for myself then others will do it for me. But if I have to...

Who’s to blame?
Okay let’s play the blame game. It is your fault because it can’t be my fault maybe it’s her fault or his fault. Why is it we find it so hard to admit our downfalls and shortcomings? Why is it so hard to face up to the fact that it just might be your fault?

Taking a stand…or leaving it to chance
What do you do when you have done all you can? How can you make a difference in a situation when you feel insignificant? There are times in life when you MUST take a stand. You take a stand or else you leave everything to chance. By saying nothing you have said everything. Ignoring something, thinking that it will go away does not get rid of the problems; problems need to be faced head on. So what is best way to take a stand?

Guess what my fortune cookie said today?
Investigate new possbilities with friends. Now is the time!
[Hint, hint (nudge, nudge)]
So friends let the new possibilities roll... ;-D

Where is Jailyn now...Dothan, AL.

Okay well I was going to do a tribute to my favorite group of all time but I need more time. So you have to settle for my babble.

Let's see saturday night we went to go see The Breakup with Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn (which I think is like the white version of Two can Play that Game). Basically it is the art of game-playing which men and women play daily with each other in and out of realtionships. I thought it was funny which was a good thing. The ending is unpredictable but very ironic.

Well today I was feeling kinda of sick so I didn't really want to get out bed but I forced myself up and out after midafternoon. Anyway we went back to pensacola beach to hang out. We went bungee trampoline jumping (guess I can cross that off "my list" of things to do). Then we did a little shopping. Played a little air hockey (I won't tell you who won). So it was actually a nice end to our time in Pensacola.

Next stop Panama City, FL. See you there.

Change is Good

Change is good. I went to the beauty shop today and resisted the urge to cut my hair (just kidding). Anyway I love beauty shop banter. It's so funny, we are a funny race. Anyway I just wanted to do something different so there it is. Well I went there with a picture (I wanted more blond but I will get it before the school year) and the beautican did her own thing but whatever it's okay. I didn't ask for a miracle which is what some people do... So new things, I guess we'll se what comes next.

I'm smiling...

and I must say, it feels good =D! I hope this smile is contagious.

What a difference a day makes

What a difference a day makes... Ever wondered what would have happened if you said that differently or if you had done that differently? The slightest adjustment could have made a world of difference. Ever wanted to get a "do over"? Perhaps you wanted to make a better first impression...or maybe you just wanted to change the outfit you wore. A day, 24 hours, 1440 mins can make a world of difference. Doesn't seem like a long time does it? Well consider this... the child that was just born, the couple that just got engaged, or the person who just recieved the organ off the donor list. To all of them one day made a huge difference. Ask them if they would have changed anything about that day. What changes an ordinary day to an extraordinary day? Is it in what you say or how you act? Could it be the way you dress or the hairstyle you wear? I don't know, could be. Whatever the case maybe know this a day makes a big difference. Ask the person who just realized they fell in love or the person who won the lottery...what difference a day makes.


So what difference does a day make? A HUGE one. Make today an EXTRAordinary day! ;-)

Committment

While watching Cake for the second time I realized that while no one wants to be alone we are all a bit fearful of committment. Of course some of us are not necessarily ready for marriage right now. That is fine but is our fear of the unknown what scares us the most? Perhaps. But can the one thing that our heart uses as a defense hinder us from what we truly want? Being too cautious is almost as dangerous as being to open. On my path to self discovery (which is more like finding the exact path the Lord wants me to be on) I have realized when I stand up to the things I fear the most that when the sense of accomplishment is the strongest. I never thought of myself as scared of marriage but we learn new things everyday. I am not scared of marriage or anything but while watching the movie I have realized there are some issues that I need to overcome. I am ready to love...but am I ready to be loved?

PS So I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish during the summer. Well one thing was to write a play so I have started. The play is called Hopelessly Devoted: then act like it. It's coming along pretty good so far.

PPS I'm in Pensacola, Flordia (I get to go to the beach tommorrow, hopefully)

Random Acts of Kindness

So we were in Jackson, MS for about a week. On thursday we met with a pastor (Pastor Yelorda, he just graudated from Andrews Seminary in December, Alumni of Oakwood College) to get the books for his church. This meant that I didn't have to drive all the way to Brokhaven the next day about an hour and a half drive. Okay well he also informed us that he would performing a wedding in Texas on sunday and that he could also drop off the books for his other church with us on saturday night on his way to Texas. Not only would he drop them off he was going to pick them up Monday. What a blessing! Okay so he comes by the hotel on Saturday night and drops the things off. This saved me almost 5 hours of driving (so you can see how grateful I was). Well he steps in the hotel to talk to us (about our plans for Memorial day) for about a minute and a half.

You'll never guess what happens next...

his car gets stolen.

Right right in front us (basically). Well the another pastor from Yazoo City (Pastor Johnson and hiis wife, Melissa: also Alumni of Oakwood College) come and get Pastor Yelorda. So they take him back to their house to stay with them. After that they let him use their car to go home and drive until he gets another one. What wonderful friends! The blessing is that God saw this before it was going to happen. He also saw what could have happened if the pastor had driven that night. He always has your best interest at hand. We may not always see the good but it's coming.

Well even after all this they (Pastor (Seth) Yelorda, Pastor (Juleun) Johnson, and his wife Melissa) all agree to meet us on Monday to do something for Memorial day with us. So we all (my partner, Laketia, and the other group Jen and Candace, and me of course) go out for Memorial day. This weekend might not have been all I wanted it to be but it was what it was for a reason.

Random Acts of Kindness you never know who they might affect.

The worst kind of love

I am just a little birdie sent to whisper in your ear
To tell you some things you might not want to hear
You’re losing a love that is meant just for you
Act quick or else what you once knew to be true
…will be through

In a world that is so consumed with the idea of love comes the next best thing…lust. Of course the good thing about lust is that eventually it will go away especially when all the excitement is gone. With lust comes excitement and without excitement there is no lust. Lust is unreal and untouchable; love is knowing the hardcore truth and still choosing to stay.

But the worst of love is unrequited love. Unrequited love…a love that is but can not be. You love…but that is it. Is your love in vain? Who’s to say? Unrequited love requires patience and much finesse especially if you want it to become more. This kind of love pays attention to detail when normally you could care less about it. This love is persistent; it hangs on the whims of possibilities.

You see you thing is very rarely do you find someone who will put up with your crap (and believe me, it’s crap). Someone who cares about what you do for a living or what you want to do for a living. It is rare to find someone who knows how to make you the perfect salad (olives (-/+), tomatoes (-/+), salad dressing (-/+)).

Fear of commitment holds some back but some use it as a crutch, making up excuses or playing games. The one thing that messes people is thinking that they will miss out on “the next best thing.” Waiting on the next best thing makes you miss out on the “the greatest thing.”

Don’t miss out, this could be your last chance. Because if you won’t... someone else will!

Smooches. ;-D

Where's Jailyn?

Okay kids get your map.

I'm in Jackson, Mississippi on my way to Hattiesburg, Mississippi.

See ya' soon

Time for Regret

In 1998 we moved from chicago to atlanta for my dad to take the position as treasurer at the South Atlantic Conference. Well yesterday evening the "conference officials" decided to give his position to someone else. At that moment when I heard that a wave of regret flushed over me. How could they do this to him? to us? to me? We left so much when we left Chicago, we left family (which included 2 fosters children) and friends. We sacrificed to go to atlanta. My mom had to sell her dental practice, which took her 5 years to sell. She traveled back and forth by plane and car for 5 years just because of this job. I was uprooted during the peak of my teenage years (I know I need it to sound dramatic!). For about a year I struggled with a lot of issues. Issues I thought could have been avoided if I had stayed in Chicago.

But...

Where would I be now if my dad hadn't taken the position? I don't know. What I do know is this when God is leading there is no time for regret. Many of us (inlcuding me) want the God's destination for our lives but we don't want to follow His plans to get there. This is perhaps why we sometimes fall by the wayside and have to cry out in despair for His help. It's God's destination He knows the best way there and He knows the pitfalls before and has already set provisions for you to make it through. You got to trust Him ( I am talking to myself too). Now even if you do decide to venture off on your own God's got a backup plan can still lead you to your destination. Of course the course might change and the road travelled might be different but if He is leading everything will be fine. My God is a god of plans (and backup plans and backup plans and even more backup plans).

Anyway I am not sure now what daddy is going to do perhaps pastor a church (even though I think he should find a job in the world to use his MBA and make six figures but remember kids money isn't everything). We might have to move...again. I don't know. I just prayed that our steps are ordered.

And if besides if I hadn't moved I might not have ever met such wonderful people...Melanie, Michele, Krystle, Javario, Matt and the list goes on. I wouldn't have been as outgoing as I today (moving does that to you...it forces you to get out there; It's do or die). I learned so much and I grew so much during the move. I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today. So...I guess there isn't really a time for regret when you are working within God's plans. ;-D

Living life LOUD and in COLOR

Proverbs 27:5 "An open rebuke is better than hidden love!"

Make your life STAND out!

You Shouldn't Have to Say Goodbye

I read a book in 6th grade called You Shouldn't Have to Say Goodbye and I must agree you shouldn't but the fact is that you do. When I left Huntsville at the beginning of this month I really didn't want to. I felt like I was leaving at the wrong time. I left my friends, my new nephew and a host of other "things" that I felt were important to me there (and Kell is coming back and I wanted to see her). Okay so here's the thing, God knows what is coming before I do. He can see the future and so therefore He knows where I need to be in order to make sure that I have the best. Although you shouldn't have to say goodbye sometimes it is best that you do. Goodbye isn't always permanant, when you put a period of something that does mean the story has ended or that it is over. A period starts a new sentence which can be a continuation of the last sentence or a whole new thought. It is all in the way you look at it. So God sees this summer internship as a learning experience (and guess what, I'm learning already). He has things in store for me this summer and He has placed me exactly where I need to be "for such a time as this." So I'm just going to go ahead and let God has control of all my "situations." This doesn't mean I won't get sad and depressed because I will. This just means with every period comes a continuation or something totally new. Let the story began...

Plus...you know what they (I don't know who 'they' are but when I find out...) say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"...I guess we'll see.

I love you all you guys no matter where I am.

PS Right now I'm in Columbus, MS (Deep country and I'm going deeper!)

After watching Half and Half, One on One, All of Us, Grey's Anatomy and just too much television altogether.

I truly say...


Love is a B&*$#!

Living in the Moment

I just realized tonight that too often I overanalyze things in my head. Things that are not that complicated I complicate. Too often I miss "the moment." I mean what's life without it's moments? So "the moment" has brought me here to this place at this time...enjoy. Casting all fear and doubt aside I rest in "the moment" Because who knows when it will come again?

"I'm living/ I'm able/ I'm breathing/ I'm grateful/ I'm gonna put on a happy face."

Love ya' (each and every ONE of y'all!)

Summer is here!

So today was my first day of training for my summer internship. I was a bit apprehensive at first about what exactly to expect but so far so good (of course this is only the first day). Anyway the hotel is great, the people are helpful, and my partner is nice. Summer is here and I'm finally ready.

Recent Confessions:

I was a bit apprehensive to leave Huntsville, I was strongly resisting change. But now I am learning to accept it.
I have realized I am opening up, I share more (more feelings and emotions). I may not be able to express to my FULL content but it's a start.
I am accepting life as it comes (and believe me it is coming).
I trying to be excited about the summer but...I am excited about the summer (attitude determines alitude).
The ideal is not always the real deal. (The ideal is not always the true reality. If I can stop living in my dream world long enough to see the reality of what is I might see what is right in front of me).

"God's ideal is my real(ity)" and "a word to the wise is sufficient"

This is my final answer:

I'm ready.


PS My creative writing non-fiction piece is finished (It's Fierce!): Twisted Bliss: A Love Restored

Let it Flow...Let it Go

The semester is FINALLY over!!! I am so excited. Anyway I finished all my finals on Monday and I took today to relax by going to the movies. I saw Akeelah and The Bee and Phat Girlz (this movie is not for everyone). Anyway I enjoyed myself.

So this semester in a nutshell has been crazy and very unpreditable. I think I liked it. Many trying times but they all taught me something different and I appreciate them for that. Hoping for all A's (I don't know if I really deserve them in all my classes).

I believe the summer holds big things! Last year around this time I was a bit apprehensive about my summer and it brought so many things. That has gotten me excited about this summer. This is my (our) year (that includes the summer) so I'm (we should) definitely ready. I have learned to let the things I can control flow ;-D and the things I can not control go {-_-}. Let's Go!!!

Positive People

So right now everyone is feeling the crunch of only 10 more days of school left. Attitudes are high and tension is slowing building. I am starting to realize the way I deal with stress is different than how most people deal with it. I have realized that trials and tribulations come and go but don't let them overtake you. Anything and everything will stress you out if you let it. A lot people tend to hold on to their problems and feed into them until the problem starts to grow and become bigger than it was orignially. Why not leave it in the hands of the Lord (*hint*hint*)? School will still be here and so will life. Life is too short to worry so much. And you made it too far in school to not make it now.

Perhaps this is a personal problem but right now I just feel like I don't have a lot of positive people in my life. A lot of people I hang around are beginning to (I'll just leave it blank) me. I mean they are constantly dwelling on their problems. How do you rise above if you are constantly wallowing in self-pity? "Woe is me" seems to be the theme is the day. You're living, you're in school, you're passing all your classes (and you will pass all your classes, CLAIM IT!). I realize people need encouragement but I can only help those who want to be helped. If you are fine just the way you are then I can't help you. Remember your attitude not only affects you but the people around you.You could have been someone's smile for the day but you were so busy worrying about things that usually not in your control (Just do your best and God will do the rest).

"Attitude determines altitude" You are what you think you are. ;-D

Birthdays and Gifts

So I want to first thank everyone who made my birthday great!

Next I want to say thank you to my understanding friends. When you have friends who just get you it makes life a bit easier to a handle.

Prize for person (s) to vent to: Melanie Monette, Antonaya Kelly, Lianna Wimberley

Also the top prize for the night for a gift goes to: Jacquece Moss

Prize for best "future omen" (I am claiming it girl!): Krystle Alleyne

Person (s) who remembered when I thought they would forget: Lolita Langford, Princess Jones, Michael Lumbard, Desmond and Andre Lymon (my cousins)

SURPRISE phone call from foreign country: Raquel Everett

Person who made it most memorable (God spared me!): Matthew Nicholson

Surprise dinner guest: Brandon Howard

Time spent with friends: PRICELESS

Anyway I had fun tonight despite everything (and yes I did cry). At first I must admit it was going okay, then it got bad, then worst and then GREAT! I realized that everything is what you make it. I went to the mall, then to Fridays, and then to the Jazz Factory (and the park). Most importantly I looked cute, so I couldn't let that all go to waste.

So I'm 21, old enought to drink, enter any contest I want to, and get that little under 21 bar taken from off my license. What next? I don't know but I sure looking forward to doing it at 21. ;-D

Birthday Wishes

So people have been asking me this week what I want for my birthday. Well the truth is I don't know. I have been so blessed this year and most of things I want are either intangible (some "group" or "someone") or very expensive so I have to get them myself (laptop and camcorder). I would really like to spend time with some of my friends (I was not kidding when I said that the other day). Of course I like shoes too and I would love to go shoe shopping. A nice dinner with Daquriri's included (dessert FIRST!). And for some reason I don't know why I want a dozen roses (this is a first I hate flowers because they just die). Oh and if anyone out there could get in touch with Boyz II Men (I love them) I would like them for my birthday too. Anyway I just want a wonderful birthday and my true wish will come true. I just don't know I am turning 21 what do you ask for? I have all that I truly need (of course I can always think of things that I want). But beside that God has been good and He has seen fit for me to hit another birthday and that is a granted wish all in itself.

Birthdays are the keys to life. -Jailyn ;-D

Public Announcement

So for the first time in my life I read my poems out loud in a public setting. My creative writing class had to do a poetry reading in Blake Center as part of our final. One of my poems I read in class because it was an assignment. The other one was just a random poem written by me for... Anyway hope you enjoy (if not oh...well).

The first poem was a free verse. "Let the chips fall where they may."

THOUGHTS
Silence…
Alone with my thoughts
Back and forth they go,
Fighting for a bit of attention
And finally they stop
….On you
Your smile, your style
You’re just being…you.
Always thought you were
The one for me
Always thought we would be
But…
Interrupted by another thought
Remember the time you…
Or do you remember…
Caught off guard again
By the thoughts of…me and you
Together…Apart…
Wait…here comes another one
Thoughts haunt me…in the silence
They torture me, repeatedly
As I close my eyes the thoughts
Become subdued…once again
It is silent…
And here I am alone with my thoughts.


The second poem was a cinquain.

Wishing…
Love lost:
looking like new,
dressed up but feeling blue.
Wishing for a love that once was
(lovesick)?


Anyway I just wanted to share this moment in time with everyone. Nite. Nite. :-D

Never Say Never

There are certain things in life that I am almost sure about. I will never be able to relive any years gone by or decide the sex of my child (I couldn't think of anything else for right now). These are things I am defintely sure about, of course when it comes to other things I am not as clear. There are things that I know are things that I am not likely to do but that doesn't mean I will never do them. Well to make a long blog short, recently I have realized my words have come back to haunt me. There are things I said I would never do that I am now doing. Why? Because I have changed and grown into a person that is a distant memory of my former self. I can constantly see myself improving. From junior year in high school to junior year in college. The change is definitely noticeable. I want others to see the change because it is for the better. I am slowly starting to eat the words (for lack of a better term) I once said. When you are allowing God to come in and work on you then you can never say never because it is not in God's vocabulary.

Well anyway I am tired and I will write lateer, peace. ;-)

Eyes Wide Shut

Never judge a book by its cover.

And always look deeper, things aren't always what they seem to be.

Have a WONDERFUL night.

It's a Boy!

It's a boy! 7lbs and 6oz, 20in. He has a had full of hair. He is so calm (so unlike his mother). Anyway new life, it's like a breathe of fresh air (BREATHE!).

What did I sign up for?

It's amazing that you never know exactly what your signing up for when you get a job. I mean you can always get the general description of what to expect but you never know until you start what the job exactly entails. You start and them , WHAM! they lay it on you. I guess I never knew what to expect when I became an RA. Well, I have certainly gotten my share of it. I have become a bodyguard, referee, counselor (this one I don't mind), personal secreatary and the list goes on. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am trying to juggle school and this RA thing, it's just not cutting it. But thank God for the twins or else I would have pulled my hair out. What can I say, my cup is full (it's running over).

Anyway I won't be stressed because summer is almost here and then I'll have new headaches to work out. Just keep on keeping on.

We're almost there plus this is our year so beware good things are ahead. Keep smiling, it contagious! :-D

Forgiveness and Forgetfulness

Why is it so hard for us to forgive? Why is it even harder for us to forget? I have had to learn the hard way about forgiveness and forgetfulness. I can sometimes forgive but it is hard to forget. Why? Because we don't want the same thing to happen twice or because we have truly yet to forgive. We say that we are fine with what has happened but we keep bringing it up or we base our dealings on that certain situation. When you truly forgive you will be able to really move one. Now granted you most likely will never forget but you will certainly be able to get over it and on with it. Life is too short to hold on to grudges or petty things that you can't even remember the next day. You basically harvest all these emotions inside and they are just there being bottled up. The person is usually not worried about anything. So in short your stressed and their not. Although I have yet to fully master this technique I am working on it.

Forgive/Forget! Whatever the case maybe free your soul and mind from the stress you harbor of worrying about something that only happened to teach you a lesson. Live, learn, and forgive.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPUDNIK (aka Matthew)! Hope its filled with joy and cheer! I am such a Hallmark card. ;-)

"Bridling your...mind"

Guarding the avenues of your mind is very important. I don’t know how many of you remember the song, “oh be careful little eyes what you see…oh be careful little ears what you hear…” Anyway this song comes to mind after thinking about a conversation I had earlier in the library. While I was outside of class taking a breather I ran into this guy (we’re more than associates maybe less than friends). Well I started talking to him about different things and we got on the subject of listening to what other say (gossip). He was basically saying that he will listen to gossip but it stops at him because he doesn’t tell anyone else. Does that mean you don’t gossip?

What constitutes gossip? Is it only gossip when it is not true?

In my opinion gossip is anything that has nothing to do with you and it not of vital importance to you. If it is not about you then just leave it alone. Well in trying to convince him that he can always walk away from the conversation, I realized I am just as guilty. I will listen to things being said about people and do nothing. If you think by just listening no harm is done consider this: “By beholding you become changed.” You don’t have to even engage in the conversation to be changed. I guess it goes back to the old saying, “you are what you eat.” You are what you say to or what listen too.

Knowledge is power, and we could all use some power. {*L*}

Grow, GROWing, GROWTH

I never thought I would be this grown. I mean sometimes I say things or do things that remind me that I am growing up. It is sometimes looking from the outside in. When you are young you think the transformation into adulthood is a fast and rapid transition. But then you grow up and realize it isn't. You make mistakes and learn lessons, then you grow. You are constantly growing. I have realized while I was off trying to perfect the "game" of life I was growing. I have began to accept the things I can't change and well, change the things that I can. I will never reach perfection and frankly I am not trying too. I do know for a fact that I am beginning to see the change and I like it. I am not always fully honest with myself but I am learning to be. I am slowly learning to live life without regrets. Life is hard enough by itself and being able to focus on the present. My growth is not complete but I do know that it is happening. As scary as it is I want it to continue. Take a moment and think about what you learned today alone. I am sure that you might surprise yourself. Take a moment and reflect on what major events have taken place in the past year or the will happen. You have taken some small steps and made some major strides. You live, learn, and then...

"Life happens while your busy making plans" -John Lennon :-)

Dreams do Come True...

My dream on Monday kind of came true. It is not completely fulfilled but...I'm hopeful.

Sweet Dreams

I was listening to Kelly Rowland today and there is a song on her album that I love. But not until today have I understood the words so clearly. It was almost like I was telling her what to say. Anyway it made me realize that it is time for me to get off my high horse and tell the truth. Boy...that was hard.

I had a dream that just warmed my heart. I would give a lot to make it come true but here is the thing about certain dreams. They are usually the deep longings in your heart (except for the weird ones, that come after you eat to late). In your sleep you have no control over the thoughts your mind produces. So basically these are almost just random thoughts that come together at one time in your head. Anyway my dream helped me realize that there is more to everything that meets the eye. So in my dream I was on a bench and a friend stopped by to drop off a gift for me. I looked inside the gift and it was ...well that is not important. I said all this to say...you are what you think. So...sweet dreams!

(Oh yeah you know what else makes my dreams great, I usually dream in COLOR) ;-)

ONLY THOUGHTS OF LOVE

I rarely say, "I love you."
But, if I did…
IF I were the type
Inclined to such emotional eruptions
And vocal expression. . .
What would I say to you?
I would probably say
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in love
Or since I even thought I loved.
So long, in fact,
I’m not sure I know what love is, anymore--
Or if I ever really knew.
But, if I even thought I loved someone,
I think it would be you.

--NancySue Krenrich Hamm

What would we do without love? or the people who loved us...despite (whatever)? =)

All I want is...

Okay good news first I registered for my first semester of SENIOR year today!

So what do I want? I want what God wants for me. I can pick and chose all I want but He knows what is best. I have come to the realization that if I want the best I have to wait on Him. I have to let go of all my options and all other reservations and allow Him to come in and take control. It gets scary because you don't want Him to mess up your plan and then you realize...it's NOT about you. Okay so here is some insight into my next short story for all my readers. Once upon a time I had a friend, a really good friend, who I knew God had brought into my life. Why? because I asked Him for this friend. Well in an attempt to hold on to that friend I started to lose my relationship with the Lord. He brought me up and He broke me down. Unbeknownst to me that friend would return but not before I learned my lesson. I guess when God tells you He wants to be first in your life He means it. He is not going to force you but He will give you a the push you need. God is alpha and omega, beginning and end. He was there when it first began and He'll be there after it ends. So this is kind of the jest of my third short story (of course it has more twists and turns), it is called A Shadow of a Woman. If you haven't read the first and second stories you need to get on the ball.

Wow I can't believe this is me talking, I am really "growing" up. Oh by the way I would like to take the time to thank all the people who have made me accept certain things in life that I need to change or keep the same. I know I get angry sometimes when you tell me but that is what I need to hear and it is what true friends are for. Love you guys from the bottom of my heart (and I really mean it!). ;-D

So much to say...

yet not enough words. "Words just can't express, what I feel inside my chest."

Can I Breathe?

It seems like to me since the beginning of this semester everytime I turn around it's something new. Here we are again in that old familiar place, back to square one. Everytime I release one demon another one comes along. I have to be honest with you today I was really ready to move off campus and just finish the semester in my own apartment. The emotional stress of this semester has just taken its toll on me. Well tonight I went to a "Sisters in the Spirit" meeting and what a difference it made in my life. "Sisters in the Spirit" is a group of girls from TX, FL, MD, and now GA since Krystle and I were there. We came together just to have testimonies and prayer. There is so much going on around us that we don't even realize. I have a lot of things to complain about but I have a lot more to be thankful for. We focus so much on our own problems that we become numb to the fact that others are hurting around us. As I sat and listened to those girls talk and cry my problems began to diminish in importance. I am not saying that they are not problems and they haven't strained me but I have so much to be thankful for. I mean despite everything God has sustained me and I have no doubt in my mind that He will continue to do just that if I am faithful. He has brought me too far for me to turn back now.

Sexy Ambitious Ladies Succeeding Always (S.A.L.S.A)

Flowers in the Valley

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...good thing it's Wednesday and sunny outside.

Showers of Blessings:
I got to wash and vacuum my car today in the beatutiful sunshine. A friend of mine wrote me the nicest e-mail today, it made me night (thanks, Spudnik!). I got like 3/5 on a quiz but I was happy because it was partially right and I thought I didn't know any of it. That is the greatest to think you failed and learn that you didn't. My last class of the day was canceled (well sort of, we all just walked out after 15 minutes). Today was one of those "flowers in the valley" days. Hey guys, Krystle, Kell, Melanie, Matt, Javario, and who ever else reads this. :-D

What I did today

Today I:

- understood something in Finance (and I can do it over by myself)
- drove just to listen to the music
- made plans for the future
- outsmarted authority
- wrote Thank You notes (they were long overdue)
- enjoyed the sunshine
- I moved ahead on an assignment

I conquered today and I feel like that in itself is a great accomplishment. I made a vow to myself a long time ago to make every minute in the day count and for the past few weeks I haven't been feeling like I was doing that. I felt like I was letting myself down so I decided to do an experiment and so far so good. When the minutes in the day count, everything else just seems to flow. Make the most of your next minute, hour, day, month, year, etc. ;-)

Day 5, 6, and 7

Day 5
-Lunch with friends at California Pizza
-Concert at Faith something church (it was pretty good, funny too!)
-Good food, good conversation, good friends

Day 6
-Made it to Sabbath school (by myself)
-Heard a wondeful sermon (great job, Pastor Winston!)
-Dinner with friends and family
-Night out on the town with the girls

Day 7
-Help with sister's birthday tea party
-Drive back to Huntsville with friends

Ten cheers for Spring Break. Postive thoughts bring about positive change. I had a blast this spring break because I wanted to. The Lord blessed and that was that.

Day 3 and Day 4

Day 3

-Rock City, the views were beautiful if you have a chance go visit a natural reserve or something like that
-Warehouse Row, an outlet center (I love to shop, I am gonna dedicate a blog to shopping one day). It wasn't that big but I bought 2 Coach purses and some shirts from Tommy Hilfiger. All in all a day not wasted.
-Movie (at home, it's been a long time since I did that)

Day 4
-Spa, a full body deep tissue message (Need I say more)
-brief trip to the mall (bought nothing!)
-Barnes and Noble (I could spend hours in there and lots of money too)

Three cheers for Spring Break so far!

Candace, Danielle, and Krystle are on their way here. Oh Jacquece is already here. Boy-O-Boy, what will we get in to?

Day 2

Relax. Relate. Release.

Relentless Pursuit

Have you ever noticed how the Lord never gives up on you? Or how when you do something wrong He never condemns you? He is constantly pursuing a person who just seems to keep on running away. This was such an amazing concept to me because I know how stubborn I can be sometimes. The theme of our spring week of prayer was Relentless Pursuit. It basically focused on how God runs after us even when we are running in the opposite direction. Even when I give up on myself He won't give up on me. And when He finally catches up with me, He won't condemn me for my shortcomings and faults. He wants what is best for me. Recently I know that He has been the one who has kept me going. When everything else in my life seems to let my down, He is right there. Like my one of my favorite quote says "If God seems far, who moved?" God has not and will not forget His promises. He made them for us and that is all the more reason to cherish them. My, my , my...What a God!

So today is my first official day of spring break. And...well let's just say it's no Cancun trip. The truth is I actually feel a bit relieved to be doing absolutely nothing for spring break. I have no set schedule and I can come and go as I please. Of course it did get a bit rocky today but I will not focus on the negative. I have decided this spring break will be a good spring break no matter where I am or who I am with. Postive attitude breeds positive results.

"Catch the vision" -Jailyn ;-)

Dr. Mom, Domestic Goddess, Renissance Woman

So it's 4:39 in the morning. I was suppose to leave to go to Atlanta today but that is not happening. I want to relax a bit then I will leave. I was suppose to do my taxes with a friend and then he said he was tired, wanted to eat and go to sleep. I never want to keep people from getting there rest so I just decided to do it later.

Well I decided maybe I should go to bed too. Well I hit the bed at about 9:00 and woke up at 11:28 to do room check. Guess what, there was no room check, the girls were suppose to sign in. So I decided to go back to sleep, good right? Well my friend wanted to use my flat iron so she came in my room to use it at 1:15 and that kept me up a bit. After she finished my girls bum-rushed my room and started bothering me. They finally left me alone after about 15 minutes, by then it was 2:45. What seemed like minutes later but was really about an hour later I heard banging on my door. One of my girls was throwing up and felt really bad. Well I ended up staying up with her until about 4:15. (I am not really sleepy now but I know that it will eventually catch up with me.)

This got me to thinking...being a mom is such a huge responsiblity. Well I already knew that but this just bought it home. I mean they work, take care of children, they cook and clean...well at least my mother did (does). And she passed on some wonderful traits to me. I was glad that I could be of assistance tonight. And tonight I was geniunely concerned and really wanted her to get better; I didn't want to leave until she felt better. This is only a portion of how mothers feel when their children get sick.

Wow...Dr. Mom, Domestic Goddess, Reniassance Woman...Mom! Tell her you love and appreciate her today.

The Power of Music

I love music! I especially music from the early 90s. Music can say whatever you are trying to say in any way you are trying to say it. Music bridges the gap between everything you want to say to the things you dare not mention. A lot of times what I feel comes out through the music I am listening too. Like today it was sunny and I was happy that Spring Break is almost here. I wanted some music that had a hype beat (that made me want to get up and dance) so I turned on Kelly Price (Priceless). I also listened to the radio a bit which was playing a good selection for today (lots of old school 90s, Tevin Campbell!). The other day I was thinking really hard about something and I got in the car and turned on the radio. It was like the song was just for me. It made the rest of my day a bit smoother.

Music can calm my spirit, arouse my emotions, and say what I need to hear. So remember whatever the case may be music is powerful!

I guess I am sort of at a lost for words but I really want to be honest with myself and others; sometimes that is easier said than done.

Well first things first when they said "to each his (her) own" it is very true. I talked to a friend and when she said some things that seemed a bit negative to me about my situation I was a bit taken aback. At first I wanted to be defensive but then later I started to understand. I wanted her to make me feel better about my situation and she couldn't do that. "To each his (her) own" this statement to me means we will all make our own mistakes and decisions. No one can tell us what lesson to learn or make us the learn the lesson sooner.

Next I am tired but I won't give up the fight. I don't know what it is but I just can't give up. I have never fought for something so hard in my life. It seems like no matter how I get hurt I still manage to get up and fight. The strange thing is that it seems like everytime I get tired and really want to throw in the towel something/someone justs keeps pushing me. I have always been a firm believer in letting go but I don't why this is so different. Oh well..."to each his (her) own".

Until next time...